Knockoff merchandise is big bidness.
What is “knockoff merchandise”? I guess I should splain. Sometimes I forget that Dumbasses in 156 countries around the world read this
shit most edifying of content. So, for all Dumbass News readers in locations whose first language is not English, like Dearborn, Meechigan, (Aloha Snack Bar!) or London, “knockoff merchandise” simply means “cheap fake stuff that looks like the real, more expensive original merchandise”. For example, some unscrupulous asshat might be selling a hand bag that resembles the very expensive “Coach” brand bag, but it is inferior in quality and workmanship to the original. Knockoff merchandise also carries a name extremely similar to the real thing. In this case the fake stuff may be labeled “Couch” instead “Coach”.
Knockoff Cash Flow
Some Dumbasses take the Old Make Fake Shit That Looks Like the Real Thing Trick a step too far. This group of idjits specializes in making counterfeit United States currency. This is not a particularly good idea. This is what is often referred to as a “felony”. Uncle Sam is not amused at such antics.
We have written about this subject at least a couple of times before. Earl Devine of Lafayette, Indiana made some very realistic $100 bills, except for one minor detail. He put the face of Abraham Lincoln on them! Even the most ignant of Dumbasses knows that the face on $100 bills is that of Paul Revere!
A Dumbass in Gainesville, Florida also thought it was a good idea to manufacture his own money with a cheap ass computer printer. Not so. See: Prison, Federal.
As stoopid as these two jack wagons were, they are a few steps farther up the ole Evolutionary Ladder than Jarad S. Carr of Wisconsin.
The Story of Jarad (and I don’t mean the Subway Guy)
Jarad’s story isn’t really that much different than the two aforementioned Dumbasses, but there is one detail of his saga that sets it apart from all other stories about shit weasels that produce Funny Money.
You see, Jarad also had a cheap ass printer that he used to make phoney money. Problem was that Jarad didn’t like the quality of the cash that the printer put out. So, he did what any Dumber Than a Box of Hammers Dumbass would do. He took the printer back to WalMart to exchange it.
This is where the story picks up steam.
Gawker fills us in, Jarad S. Carr was arrested last week after an altercation at a Walmart returns desk when he tried to return his printer—presumably because it was not good at printing money—without a receipt. Had he left it there, things might have been OK, but he pushed the matter…
Points of Order
- Loudly arguing with a WalMart Customer Service desk person about returning an item you bought from their store is simply stoopid. He/she is the one who actually determines whether or not your item will be exchanged or refunded!
- It is an even worse idea to return an item that is not in original condition. And by “original condition” I mean that you left a sheet of counterfeit $100 bills still in the printer tray!
- The Big House beckons.
- Prison butt sex.
- Don’t drop the soap.
***Photo Heisted from Gawker***
Best of Dumbass News – December 24, 2010
Usually when we do a story like the one you are about to read, the Dumbass of the Story is easy to spot. However, today we are tasked with picking our Dumbass from a group of Dumbass wannabes! So, gather the family around whatever it is you gather your family around, read the story and make a group decision! Take a vote and those who correctly guess who the Dumbass is will get a treat, such as an ice cream cone! Those who name the wrong person as the Dumbass of the Story will become Honorary Dumbasses themselves! It’s a win-win situation! Here’s today’s Dumbass Story:
- Earl Devine of Lafayette, Indiana recently decided that he needed some money. So, instead of getting a job and earning some cash flow the old fashion way, Earl chose to take another path. He printed his own money! Counterfeiting is certainly a step in the right direction of becoming a dumbass, but our friend Earl went above and beyond the call of Dumbass Duty when he printed some fake $100 bills with Abraham Lincoln’s face on them! I am certainly no expert on everything that is on a $100 bill, but I do know that Honest Abe ain’t supposed to be on one. Ratcheting up the dumbass to new levels, Earl went on a spending spree with the fake bills (here’s where our 2nd Dumbass of the Day nominee comes in) and fooled several merchants in town! Now this turn of events begs a question: What.The.Fuck?! I can only surmise that these “merchants” were products of the Lafayette Public School System. I can also surmise that the Lafayette Public Schools are run by dumbasses. I’m sure that, as we speak, the Superintendent of Lafayette schools is on the phone with the federal Department of Education pleading for more of our tax dollars to pay dumbass teachers more money to “educate” and graduate more dumbasses like these “merchants”. Good work if you can find it, I guess. Earl’s life of crime came to an abrupt halt when a bartender(!), who is probably not a former student of Lafayette schools, realized he had been paid with a phony $100 bill. He called the cops and soon thereafter Earl became a guest of the Lafayette Criminal Justice System. This story gets.even.better. When asked about the funny money by the local bird cage liner, “Detectives called the bills “excellent fakes” in spite of other errors, such as red and blue dots that suggested the bill was printed from an inkjet printer“. It’s now painfully clear to me that at least one detective is, like Earl and several local “merchants”, a product of Lafayette schools. I just can’t, and won’t, label the entirety of the LPD as dumbasses, but one of their detectives is the third nominee for the coveted Dumbass of the Day Award. In fairness to the local “merchants” I mentioned above, several other businesses in town and neighboring West Lafayette also received fake cash from Earl, so what the hell, they are potential dumbasses, too.
Here’s my take: The whole damn town of Lafayette, Indiana is loaded with dumbasses. Having said that, I guess I won’t be getting a “Welcome to Lafayette” package from the Greater Lafayette Chamaber of Commerce should I ever decide to move there. I’ll scratch Lafayette, Indiana off my “Where to Retire List”. Getting back to our story, the detective who made the “excellent fakes” comment about the $100 bills with Abe Lincoln on them, is not our Dumbass of the Day. This guy’s job is tough enough without being tagged a dumbass, a moron maybe, but not a dumbass. As for the educators in the Lafayette School District, they are probably members of some teachers’ union, so they can’t be blamed for Earl’s level of dumbassery, they just do whatever the Union tells them to do. Being members of a teachers’ union is approaching Dumbassville, but the teachers, like the fuzz, have a thankless job and at least they are consistently churning out quality dumbasses like Earl. The process of elimination leaves us with no other choice, as if there was another choice, but to crown Earl as today’s Dumbass of the Day! Earl, you can pick up your award in 10-15 years. In regards to the apparent Dumbass Epidemic in Lafayette, Indiana, I have a brilliant solution. Make it a mandatory part of certifying teachers and law enforcement personnel, that they go to bartending school before being accredited by the State of Indiana as a public servant. It seems that the bartender that busted Earl is the only one that knows that Lincoln is not on a $100 bill. Everyone knows he’s on the fifty.