This was a very busy week at Dumbass News. We had an outstanding crop of Dumbasses to harvest for you, but unfortunately many of you missed the pickin’s.
So for the Dumbasses that were for some reason unable to enjoy the fruits of our labors, and for the newest Dumbasses who just now smelling the manure of our Garden of Dumbassery, we give you, in spite of Public Outrage and Threats of Litigation, the Dumbass Week in Review!
- There’s no better way to start a new week than with a good rousing session of Mad Monkey Cow Sex and it’s role in ushering in The End of the World. This kind of stuff is the reason I live to do write this blog. I am a blessed man.
- We have another case of a woman, or in this case, King Kong, going completely off her rocker and doing major damage to some poor guys gazebos. This is an epidemic and it must be stopped at any cost, or soon there will be no men with gazebos left in the world!
- There are hundreds of millions of the world’s 7 billion people who see the United States as a beacon for Freedom, Liberty and a place in which to create a better lifestyle for their families in a land of limitless opportunity. Unfortunately we also have Liberals who take the opposite view of their own country. Maybe we can trade a Liberal for each Freedom-seeking immigrant who goes through the proper channels to become an American Citizen. One for one. Immigrant becomes American, Liberal becomes foreigner. I like it. With that brilliant idea on the table for our elected Dumbasses in Congress to consider, we covered the story of an immigrant who wanted to become an American in the worst way. “The worst way” meaning she beat the hell out of her boyfriend because he didn’t want to marry her.
You can look on the internet for years and not find a collection of Dumbassery like this. I care enough about you to do it for you. So, sally forth my Dumbass Minions into the Realm of What the Hell Am I Doing This For?
You deserve it.
|Sign of The End of Time|
VERY URGENT APOCALYPSE ALERT!
The End is nigh!
First of all, I’d like to ask you all to remain as calm as possible. This type of situation comes along only once in a civilization’s history, but the need to remain clear-headed and rational about the looming End of the World is paramount to dying with the knowledge that the Almighty is calling His people Home.
You may be asking yourself, “Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde, how do you know that the End Time is near when the prophecies in the Book of Revelations haven’t been fulfilled yet?” That is a very logical and pertinent question. And I have a very logical and well thought out answer.
I know The End is here because….please ask any children in the room to leave at this time. What you about to read will make you wish you had lived a more virtuous life. Your place in Eternity has been determined, but it’s not too late to find Jesus. I highly recommend that you find the Messiah ASAP, you ain’t got much time, Dumbass.
How I Know The End is Upon Us
Fellow Dumbasses, I am not a Prophet nor a soothsayer, I am merely your humble Fearless Leader. You must understand before we all perish, that I would never deliberately lead you astray nor would I purposely cause panic in the streets of the 136 countries around the world that read Dumbass News without rock-solid proof. What I am about to reveal will undoubtedly be of historical proportions.
The End of the World is happening as we speak because….God help us all…because cattle are going crazy! You read that right. The End is here because the behavior of cattle is telling us so! You must be thinking that I am a nut at this point. But I am not a nut nor an alarmist. I am a man of Science and evidence and all the Science and evidence points to The Apocalypse.
Remember a couple of days ago when I wrote of the cattle in Massivetwoshits that went berserk and crashed a neighborhood party and drank all the beer? That event was just a warning sign to us that Doom was inevitable. Today’s story is the confirmation of that impending Doom.
Don’t believe me? Just read on and you’ll start confessing your sins like Barrack Obama blames George W. Bush.
The Cattle Menace has spread to Pennsylvania, thus verifying what I had feared.
The sign of The End of Time took place at an intersection of two rural highways near Kittanning, PA. Traffic was backed up for miles as drivers from all over the area rubbernecked and bottlenecked at the sight of two, you guessed it, cattle doing the Dirty Deed right in the middle of the road! Yes, Fellow Dumbasses, cows were humping like rabbits in the middle of the highway causing widespread panic amongst Kittanning, Pennsylvania area residents! OK, well maybe “widespread panic” is a bit hyperbolic, but the Cow Sex did cause a traffic jam. By the way, a traffic jam in Kittanning means that both cars registered in the town were at the same place at the same time.
Local authorities tried mightily to “disengage” the cows, but it ain’t easy persuading a 2000 pound bull that having Mad Monkey Cow Sex in the middle of a busy highway intersection is a bad idea. So, the cops just let Nature take its course. No word if the cows were married or if this was just a Mad Monkey Cow Sex Liaison, if you know what I mean and I think you do.
The two cows finished their bidness then were rounded up and taken to a nearby farm until the rightful owner could be notified.
I, as your Fearless Leader, urge you to keep an eye out for any type of unusual behavior by cattle in your location. If you see such bovine shenanigans, report them immediately to your local law enforcement community!
If Armageddon is here, I’m sure that we’ll need an eyeball witness to corroborate the story.
On the other hand, maybe it’s just two horny cows out to “block a little traffic”.