Category: Crack Cocaine

The Cop & the Hookers: Love in a Patrol Car

My duty here at Dumbass News is to bring forth the most ludicrous stuff that people all over the world do. My insightful, spot on commentary is not just directed at Yankees, Californians and Liberals, but I repeat myself, but it is aimed at dumbasses all over the planet, bar none. Except for my Mother. At 73, she can still kick my ass. Besides, I am in her will. Enough said. And the Pope. Him, I leave alone. He’s got connections. Now as far as your Mother goes, she’s fair game. She does something stoopid and I get wind of it, she’s toast. Sorry, I have a duty to uphold. Oh! One more guy I won’t kick around is Billy Graham. I like Billy Graham, he’s a good man. Let’s review this…Mom, Il Papa (a little Eye-talian lingo there) and Billy Graham: off limits. Everybody else: fuck ’em. That’s just how I roll.

Cop Shows His Magnum to Hookers 

Cops are normally verboten to ridicule, shame and belittle, but like everybody else (except for those mentioned above), if they screw up bad enough, they make Dumbass News just like any other poor schlub who’s worthy of the “honor”. Therefore…..

…it is with great pleasure and a big na na na na na  sadness that I am compelled by my sworn, and I mean cussed at, not on a Bible, affirmation to bring you some funny shit horrific news regarding a Police Officer in Tampa, the F-L-A.

This particular officer, Cpl. Matthew Dolitsky, had a bad habit of having sex with women…in his patrol car! I am reasonably certain that is a part of the Tampa Police Department of Shit Not to Do. But wait there more! He was paying off his hookers with cash and a little thing called cocaine. I am proud to say that Cpl. Matthew Dolitsky has hit the Dumbass Daily Double: Hookers and coke. I couldn’t be more proud. Unless I found out one of my sons was serial killer of camel fuckers. Matthew as a cop, you can’t do this shit. At least take the whores off in the woods to pork ’em and do a line of blow. Have you no shame man?

The Tampa PD conducted a secret internal investigation, but Matthew found out about it. Probably from one of his drug-infested cum buckets. When Matt learned of the nefarious attack on actions as a police officer, he became very angry. Angry enough that he threatened to shoot other cops who testified in a second Internal Affairs look-see. Matt resigned before he got the old heave ho.

Matthew Gets a Pension

Here’s what chaps my ass about this story. Because this dumbass cop resigned before he got fired, he will still get a yearly pension of a little over $27,000. That’s a helluva a gig if you can get it. Go to work in a city-provided vehicle, buy (or steal from the Evidence Room) some toot then get some “groceries” in the back seat of a city-owned car then get busted and still get over two grand a month for the rest of your life. Is the Tampa PD hiring? If so, I’m in.


Final Thoughts

What. The. Fuck? Are the Higher Ups at TPD in on this hooker and coke thing? I mean Hell, couldn’t they at least recommended to have Matt’s pension reduced or even revoked due to the Cop Screwing Hookers and Doing Cocaine Clause of his contract with the TPD? Moral turpitude or getting fook stains on the back seat of a cop car or something? I am at a loss for words here, folks. Almost.

Does anyone have the phone number for the Tampa Police Department? Or Matthew Dolitsky?

Dumbasses.

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Dumbass: I’ll Trade Ya This Stolen $40k Car for $20 Worth of Crack

Last week I bought a car. Not a new car, real good used one. I picked it up from a mechanic that I’ve been doing bidness with for a couple of years. I learned about Jim (the mechanic) from Mike the Maintenance Hombre here at our apartment complex. He has been working here for about two years and I know him pretty well, so I trust Mike’s judgement. I figger that if a guy who fixes shit for a living recommends another guy who fixes other shit for a living, it’s all good. Word of mouth advertising and all that.

Anyway, I went down to see Jim the Mechanic, found a car I liked, took a test drive, and bought it. Outright. Cash. It’s mine.

This is more than I can say for Carlos Sergio Valdes of Austin, Texas.

Carlos and the Car

Carlos also recently paid a visit to a car dealer. Quick note: For all the Yoopers in the Dumbass Horde, “Carlos” is a Meskin name. I thought that I’d pass that on to you because I know that the only Meskins you have ever seen were on TV and the name “Carlos” prolly threw you for a loop because it ain’t Fwench.

Back to Carlos…Carlos went to a Chebby dealer down in Austin under the pretense of buying a new automobile. But the Chevy Salesman that was helping Carlos out had no clue about the shenanigans good ol’ Chuck had up his sleeve. Quick note, too: “Carlos” translates from Spanish to English as “Charles”. Hence, “Chuck”. Or “El Chuck-o”. Take your pick. 

El Chuck-o and the Chevy Sales Guy had a nice car-buying conversation. Carlos was so impressed by the SUV that he took the brand spankin’ new Chevy Tahoe on a test drive. Without permission! A quick look at Chevrolet’s web site says that Tahoes are priced starting at $39,830. This is an important fact to remember.

Meanwhile, Back at the Chevrolet Dealership…

So here’s Carlos on an unauthorized test drive in a $39,830 SUV. Nothing good could come from this, could it?

El Chuck-o was gone with the Tahoe for a couple of hours when he called the Austin Police Department to report the car stolen! The APD met with Carlos to discuss the stolen ride. He obliged them with the details of the theft and everything was cool. Until the cops later pulled over a woman driving the missing SUV.

She ratted out Carlos quicker than a fat kid sucks down a double dip chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream cone. She indeed ha gotten the Tahoe from Carlos – for two rocks of crack cocaine! Now where I come from, trading $20 worth of crack for a $39,830 Chevy Tahoe is a very good bidness deal. If you are the crack dealer. Where I come from this is also known as receiving stolen merchandise. And a felony.

Observations

  • The Chevy Guy is an idjit.
  • Never let a guy with the name of “Sergio” as part of his moniker near a $39,830 automobile. This is very bad joo joo.
  • When you commit a felony like Grand Theft Auto, it’s a very bad idea to call the cops. They have ways of figuring this kind of deal out.
  • If a guy is willing to steal a $39,830 SUV and trade it for $20 worth of crack cocaine, his life is fucked up because of said crack cocaine.
  • Crack cocaine must be some good shit. 
  • Chevy sucks. See: bailout; tax payers money; not yet paid back.
  • Can we the American Taxpayer repo General Motors since they still owe us billions of dollars? (I don’t care what their TV ads say to the contrary) If you were to miss a car payment or two they’d snatch your wheels quick as a hiccup. Turnabout is fair play.

Dumbasses.

Cop "Protects" Coke, "Serves" Hookers…in Squad Car!

Best of Dumbass News

My duty here at Dumbass News is to bring forth the most ludicrous stuff that people all over the world do. My insightful, spot on commentary is not just directed at Yankees, Californians and Liberals, but I repeat myself, but it is aimed at dumbasses all over the planet, bar none. Except for my Mother. At 73, she can still kick my ass. Besides, I am in her will. Enough said. And the Pope. Him, I leave alone. He’s got connections. Now as far as your Mother goes, she’s fair game. She does something stoopid and I get wind of it, she’s toast. Sorry, I have a duty to uphold. Oh! One more guy I won’t kick around is Billy Graham. I like Billy Graham, he’s a good man. Let’s review this…Mom, Il Papa (a little Eye-talian lingo there) and Billy Graham: off limits. Everybody else: fuck ’em. That’s just how I roll.

Cop Shows His Magnum to Hookers 

Cops are normally verboten to ridicule, shame and belittle, but like everybody else (except for those mentioned above), if they screw up bad enough, they make Dumbass News just like any other poor schlub who’s worthy of the “honor”. Therefore…..

…it is with great pleasure and a big na na na na na  sadness that I am compelled by my sworn, and I mean cussed at, not on a Bible, affirmation to bring you some funny shit horrific news regarding a Police Officer in Tampa, the F-L-A.

This particular officer, Cpl. Matthew Dolitsky, had a bad habit of having sex with women…in his patrol car! I am reasonably certain that is a part of the Tampa Police Department of Shit Not to Do. But wait there more! He was paying off his hookers with cash and a little thing called cocaine. I am proud to say that Cpl. Matthew Dolitsky has hit the Dumbass Daily Double: Hookers and coke. I couldn’t be more proud. Unless I found out one of my sons was serial killer of camel fuckers. Matthew as a cop, you can’t do this shit. At least take the whores off in the woods to pork ’em and do a line of blow. Have you no shame man?

The Tampa PD conducted a secret internal investigation, but Matthew found out about it. Probably from one of his drug-infested cum buckets. When Matt learned of the nefarious attack on actions as a police officer, he became very angry. Angry enough that he threatened to shoot other cops who testified in a second Internal Affairs look-see. Matt resigned before he got the old heave ho.

Matthew Gets a Pension

Here’s what chaps my ass about this story. Because this dumbass cop resigned before he got fired, he will still get a yearly pension of a little over $27,000. That’s a helluve a gig if you can get it. Go to work in a city-provided vehicle, buy (or steal from the Evidence Room) some toot then get some “groceries” in the back seat of a city-owned car then get busted and still get over two grand a month for the rest of your life. Is the Tampa PD hiring? If so, I’m in.


Final Thoughts

What. The. Fuck? Are the Higher Ups at TPD in on this hooker and coke thing? I mean Hell, couldn’t they at least recommended to have Matt’s pension reduced or even revoked due to the Cop Screwing Hookers and Doing Cocaine Clause of his contract with the TPD? Moral turpitude or getting fook stains on the back seat of a cop car or something? I am at a loss for words here, folks. Almost.

Does anyone have the phone number for the Tampa Police Department? Or Matthew Dolitsky?

Dumbasses.

Tampa Cop Reveals His "Taser" to Hookers

My duty here at Dumbass News is to bring forth the most ludicrous stuff that people all over the world do. My insightful, spot on commentary is not just directed at Yankees, Californians and Liberals, but I repeat myself, but it is aimed at dumbasses all over the planet, bar none. Except for my Mother. At 73, she can still kick my ass. Besides, I am in her will. Enough said. And the Pope. Him, I leave alone. He’s got connections. Now as far as your Mother goes, she’s fair game. She does something stoopid and I get wind of it, she’s toast. Sorry, I have a duty to uphold. Oh! One more guy I won’t kick around is Billy Graham. I like Billy Graham, he’s a good man. Let’s review this…Mom, Il Papa (a little Eye-talian lingo there) and Billy Graham: off limits. Everybody else: fuck ’em. That’s just how I roll.

Cop Shows His Magnum to Hookers 

Cops are normally verboten to ridicule, shame and belittle, but like everybody else (except for those mentioned above), if they screw up bad enough, they make Dumbass News just like any other poor schlub who’s worthy of the “honor”. Therefore…..

…it is with great pleasure and a big na na na na na  sadness that I am compelled by my sworn, and I mean cussed at, not on a Bible, affirmation to bring you some funny shit horrific news regarding a Police Officer in Tampa, the F-L-A.

This particular officer, Cpl. Matthew Dolitsky, had a bad habit of having sex with women…in his patrol car! I am reasonably certain that is a part of the Tampa Police Department of Shit Not to Do. But wait there more! He was paying off his hookers with cash and a little thing called cocaine. I am proud to say that Cpl. Matthew Dolitsky has hit the Dumbass Daily Double: Hookers and coke. I couldn’t be more proud. Unless I found out one of my sons was serial killer of camel fuckers. Matthew as a cop, you can’t do this shit. At least take the whores off in the woods to pork ’em and do a line of blow. Have you no shame man?

The Tampa PD conducted a secret internal investigation, but Matthew found out about it. Probably from one of his drug-infested cum buckets. When Matt learned of the nefarious attack on actions as a police officer, he became very angry. Angry enough that he threatened to shoot other cops who testified in a second Internal Affairs look-see. Matt resigned before he got the old heave ho.

Matthew Gets a Pension

Here’s what chaps my ass about this story. Because this dumbass cop resigned before he got fired, he will still get a yearly pension of a little over $27,000. That’s a helluve a gig if you can get it. Go to work in a city-provided vehicle, buy (or steal from the Evidence Room) some toot then get some “groceries” in the back seat of a city-owned car then get busted and still get over two grand a month for the rest of your life. Is the Tampa PD hiring? If so, I’m in.


Final Thoughts

What. The. Fuck? Are the Higher Ups at TPD in on this hooker and coke thing? I mean Hell, couldn’t they at least recommended to have Matt’s pension reduced or even revoked due to the Cop Screwing Hookers and Doing Cocaine Clause of his contract with the TPD? Moral turpitude or getting fook stains on the back seat of a cop car or something? I am at a loss for words here, folks. Almost.

Does anyone have the phone number for the Tampa Police Department? Or Matthew Dolitsky?

Dumbasses.

The Greatest Mug Shot Ever!

Today we’re going to start this post off with a quiz.

QUIZ

Why is this man so happy?

1) He got to see Heidi Montag’s new sweater puppies
2) He won the Publishers’ Clearinghouse Sweepstakes
3) He was born that way
4) He just won the Dumbass of the Year Award
5) He swallowed a bag of high grade cocaine

While I realize that answers 1, 2 and 4 would be perfectly acceptable answers, either as a whole, a combination of two of the three or individually, neither scenario is the correct answer. Whereas 5 stands alone on its merits and it is the correct response.

The young man, Art Taylor, was pulled over by the heat in Framingham, Mass. when he made a turn without signaling. Let me jump in here. How many times do I gotta tell you dumbasses who are carrying illicit substances in your or on your person while in your car, to use the damn turn signals! If you are stupid enough to carry coke (not the cola) while disobeying a traffic law, you are a Grade A Dumbass and you deserve whatever punishment comes your way. I do not want to have to go over this simple rule of drug-running again! You’d think that you dumbasses would have learned this by now. But I digress.

Back to our man Art, here… the idiot was pulled over for failure to signal a turn. Long story short. When the cops got up to his car to find out what’s up, Art reaches into the center console and pulls out a bag of cocaine right in front of the cops! The cop, ever the vigilant civil servant, quickly deduced that Art is a dumbass in possession of a controlled substance. Springing into action, the cop tried to wrestle the bag of coke from Art, but Art was just a bit quicker and put the whole bag of coke in his mouth! The fuzz pulled Art out of his sled and tried like crazy to separate the cocaine and Art. Too late. Art had swallowed the bag of coke. No matter though, except maybe to Art, as the suspect was finally put into custody and hauled off to the City Lockup and charged with a felony or two.

I figure that once Art came down from his “my face is frozen like this” cocaine buzz, the expression on his face was somewhat less expressive. Dumbass.

 (hat tip JammieWearingFool)

Dumbass Gives New Meaning to Crack Cocaine

If you are ever in Manatee, Florida, stay away from Raymond Stanley Roberts. He is a dumbass. Raymond was driving down the street at 8:40 AM in his Hyundai when Manatee County Sheriff’s Deputies were going the opposite direction on the same road. Nothing unusual there…until the cops noticed a strong odor of marijuana coming from Roberts’ car…while they were driving the opposite direction! From what I understand, that has got to be some heavy duty pot. I mean it’s one thing to walk up to somebody’s car and detect the strong odor of weed when they roll down the window. but driving down the road in the opposite direction? You get my drift, pun intended. The law hangs a u-ey then pull Roberts over and upon further inspection discover that he’s holding a small amount of some obviously very good pot. He even admitted that he had the pot but denied he was in possession of anything else illegal. That is until the crack cocaine fell out of his ass crack! When the bag full of crack fell out of his ass Roberts, failing to the irony of it all, told the cops, wait…for…it..“The white stuff is not mine, but the weed is.” He then stated that his friend had borrowed the vehicle before and he saw the cocaine on the passenger seat when he was pulled over.” Then he stuffed it in his ass crack. I can only add that it’s a good thing it wasn’t a brick of crack cocaine. Numb ass. Dumbass.