|The Dumbass Horde Battle Flag – Never Surrender!|
This was one weird ass week at Dumbass News. Things just seemed about a half a second out of sync with real time. Was it only me who felt that way?
Other than being one step short of a Texas Two Step, this week was indeed quite different from your “normal” week at Dumbass News. bwahahahahahahahahahaha! I just made a funny! I used the words “normal” and Dumbass News in the same sentence! har har har! And it’s now stuck in the ether forever! GUFFAW!!!
Sorry, I lost my mind just for a moment.
That’s normal for me.
THIS WEEK’S DUMBASSERY
The week started off innocently enough with a simple, heartfelt Happy Mothers Day from me, Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde. Then was the story of some Dumbass down in Texas trying to
rob a Police Station! The stoopid fuck is lucky that once the cops stopped laughing at him that they didn’t have an “accidental” shooting in which he was the shoot-ee, or as the Cops in Texas called guys like this, “Target Practice”.
Then was a Grammy-deserving performance by a guy busted for DUI. His stage was the back seat of a Police Cruiser! Dumbass News has video.
THEN THINGS GOT STRANGE
See what I mean? Nothing out of the ordinary…until I posted THIS Guest Post from a Canuckistani code named “Drive Thru Guy”. DTG is a new blogger, about a month and a half into his blogging career and he has already garnered quite a following, so I thought that it would be nice and neighborly to
steal some of his readers invite him to do a Guest Post on Dumbass News. The young man is a good writer and I was hoping to, as was done for me by some veteran bloggers when I first started writing about Dumbasses, steer some of you to his blog, lifeinthedrivethru. This was a popular post. Very popular.
Then it hit me like a ton of bricks!
Drive Thru Guy had sent his minions to my blog, Dumbass News, in order to overthrow me, the Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde! Treason! Sedition, I tell you! The situation was so dire that I almost declared Blogging Martial Law. It wasn’t a pretty sight.
So, I wrote down my thoughts on being the victim of a coup d’ blog. It was the most chilling moment of my blogging “career”.
But DTG is Canadian, which is close to being Fwench, so the only weapon he brought to a Blog Fight was a white surrender flag.
I MADE THAT PART UP
But seriously, folks….It was a great pleasure (and worth a few extra page views, hahahahahaha) to have Drive Thru Guy share his view of the Dumbasses he sees every day while simply doing his job manning the drive thru window at a fast food joint in Eastern Canadia. I’m tellin’ you that hungry Dumbasses are mother fuckers. Just ask DTG.
Anyway, thanks to Drive Thru Guy and his readers, some of whom who actually came back for more Dumbass News after reading his Guest Post, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that his customers, like mine, are nothing more than a blithering, slobbering, knuckle dragging horde of people I am happy to Fearlessly Lead.
|Dumbass Christmas Gift|
We are barreling towards Christmas Day like Rosie O’Donnell rolling down a mountain side, so as your humble Dumbass Public Servant, I am here to day to publicly serve you. As long as my wife doesn’t find out. I feel obligated to bring you the latest information on the dumbass toys that could find their way into your home this Yuletide Season. I have lived a pretty good life and have been lucky enough, or cursed by Satan, depending on your point of view, to have spent many Christmases around kids. From those experiences I have gleaned knowledge about children’s gifts that the average person only wishes he had. For example, I have expertly deduced that getting a Tonka Toy dump truck for a young lad is a great thing. Giving the little
turd tyke Spiderman underwear, on the other hand, is a dumbass idea from hell. How do you expect a little boy to rollick around in a good dirt pile and dig holes in it with Spiderman drawers? Trust me on this one. Dumbass.
Now for the Girls
Girls are pretty easy to buy for when they are young like my two daughters, who are 4 and 9. Barbie dolls, fake make up that ain’t so fake when it ends up on the walls or carpet of your house and anything else that is girly.
There is an exception to this rule for girls, however. It is a doll with a name so long I ain’t gonna type it out so I’ll just call it The Doll. This particular doll can be found at a very well-known toy store whose name I won’t print either, but it rhymes with ‘Roy Tars Russ”, IYKWIMAITYD. On the outside The Doll, a talking doll, looks just like any of the four million other dolls on the market, it’s what’s on the inside that separates this doll from all others. Pulling the string to make The Doll talk provides quite a surprise. Instead of saying cutesie things like “I love you Mommy” and “Daddy Sucks”, The Doll says “You crazy bitch”. Dumbasses would say, “what’s the big deal?”. Daddy says that to Mommy all the time. Especially when he drinks the stuff out of the bottle with the black and white label with a “7” on it. Non-dumbasses would be horrified to hear such language coming from a little girl’s toy. However, Daddy calling Mommy a crazy bitch is quite the norm in non-dumbass families too!!. Why? Because so many non-dumbass women are crazy bitches, that’s why! But, I digress.
The simple way to handle this problem is to not buy the damn doll! How fucking hard to figure out can that be? At least the stoopid toy doesn’t invite the kid to cut off Daddy’s gazebos while he’s sleeping, as is the wont of non-dumbass crazy bitches everywhere. Now if it said ‘You crazy fucking bitch”, these dolls would fly off the shelf like there was no tomorrow. Why, there would be lines of dumbasses and non-dumbasses alike stretching from New York to LA waiting to get there hands on this potty mouthed marionette. Can you spell “collectible”? I’m just sayin’.
So, lighten up, Francis and find something else to buy the little girls in your life. Like a Malibu Ho Barbie. See? There are alternatives to those nasty mouthed crazy bitch dolls some people try to push on our children. At the very least, doll makers could come up with a doll that mimics real life and real life situations. Make the dolls say something like, “Take Daddy a beer and cook his dinner, you moron!” or “Your ass is so big you’re gonna need to get a Zip Code for it”. See what I mean? Just normal, everyday phrases found in homes all around this country. What good is a doll that teaches our little girls nothing but naughty words instead of phrases of wisdom that come straight from common sense? I just don’t get it…..but I’m sure some of you crazy bitches do. 🙂