|Now in Three Pieces|
Tomorrow night is Christmas Eve, as you have been reminded no less than 16 gazillion reptilian million times. I have heard the word “Christmas” so many times this week that I am growing mistletoe out of my ears.
Reprimanded by Mom
A few weeks ago, I got an email from my Mom asking me to cut back on the cussin’. A couple of hours ago, I received the dreaded second email from Mom“asking” me to watch my potty mouth. A second email is the sure sign of me getting my ass kicked by a 5 foot nothin’, 73 year old little old lady. Even in my advancing years, I can still see the yard stick she broke three times on my tiny hiney when I was about 11 years old. When she broke it the first time, it was pretty funny but I kept a proper face for getting your ass beat. The second time it broke in half, not so much. The third time, I was laughing so hard I almost pissed myself, she was furious as hell with look of Satan in her eyes, standing there in the driveway holding about 10 inches of what was a 3 foot yard stick just moments earlier. She never spanked me again.
The Story Was Told for a Reason
Actually there are several reason for telling that story. If I can remember all of them I’ll fill you in.
- 1). She is my Mom – When she says something, I’d better listen good. I do.
- 2) She is my Mom (Part 2) – She can still kick my ass.
- 3) Mom is NEVER wrong – I wouldn’t tell my Mother that she is wrong even if she called a Bengal tiger a butterfly. I’d just say, “Yes, ma’am” and leave it be.
Don’t worry fellow Dumbasses, I will continue to use my usual vocabulary while writing my always prize worthy posts, just not as much, asswipes. It’s for Mom. She reads this blog ya know. And now she owns a metal yard stick.
|Got a Headache? Try Ice Water|
I found an article that is as near perfect as you can get for Dumbass News. What you are about to read is scientific evidence that being a Dumbass can be a good for your health! I say this with a caveat, however. The study that determined this stuff was done in England. And since England is evolving into a Third World Muslim Hellhole, I have concluded that English scientists are Third World Dumbasses. And pussies. Let me splain.
These guys with nothing better to do than conduct research on the effects of cussing on your health, while their country is going down the loo, have come to a surprising conclusion. Cussing can be good for your health! You read that right you fuckin’ dumbass. Let go with the ugly words and you will feel better than ever! Well, that’s not exactly the truth. The pussy English guys who did this study came to the conclusion that those who cuss “moderately”, whatever the hell “moderately” means, can actually relieve pain! No shit? These morons did an experiment where 67 other English pussies put their hand into a bucket filled with ice water and repeated a cuss word over and over can do so for forty seconds longer than those who repeated a non cuss word over and over. BUT! if you cuss more than 60 times a day you won’t get any benefit from keeping your hand in ice water for a period of time. What? Here’s something straight from the pussy English scientists themselves, “And the study found those who swear as many as 60 times a day receive less pain relief than those who curse a few times a day. People who curse frequently do so without an emotional response, which reduces the pain-relieving effects, the study said.” Well that certainly clears that up.
My Own Scientific Conclusions
You mean to tell me that if cut off my cussing at 59 times a day I am gonna get some kind of pain relief? And all this time the myriad Doctors I’ve been seeing for my arthritis and fibromyalgia have been giving me enough bills to choke Roseanne Barr and all they had to do was tell me to cuss 59 times a day? I expected men and women who spent a hundred or more large earning a medical degree to know what they are doing. That theory is shot to hell. I smell a malpractice suit in the air. I’ll keep an eye out for Joe Bornstein, the TV lawyer who has his very own “800” number. Joe also handles disability claims, car wrecks and assault with a deadly midget. I know this to be true because the evil insurance companies lawyers always cower and shit their pants when the injured party says that Joe is their attorney. To think, I hired a local lawyer to handle my disability claim when I could have had some guy who the bad guy attorneys fear like Barrack Obama fears capitalism.
How could the idiots that performed this study tell what caused the guinea pigs’ pain to moderate. Do they have a Pain-O-Meter or some shit? Also, how could they conclude that it was because the twits who kept their hand in the ice water longer do so because they were cussing? I want some fucking answers! Another thing…why in the name of all that is Holy would these spitwad -for-brains dumbasses want to cuss and keep their hand in a bucket of ice water!? My last question…who’s stoopid enough to carry around a bucket of ice water just in case they have a headache? Remember too that it’s very impolite to cuss in public.The really smart assholes who participated in this voodoo will put a couple of Guiness Stouts and a waterproof lunch container in bucket of ice water. A couple of Guiness will kill any pain you are experiencing, from a headache all way to a pick axe protruding from your skull, hand in ice water bucket not needed.
I Want Answers!
I’m sure you’ll agree that these are vital inquiries that cry out, nay, demand answers and I will not rest until I find them! I am afraid, however, that we’ll discover that the study took place in a methadone clinic. I’m just sayin’.
***Photo from Kool Czar Blog***
Well, Thanksgiving has come and gone and we are steamrolling our way like Michael Moore after a triple decker bacon cheeseburger towards one of the Holiest days on the Christian calendar. I am speaking, of course, of New Years Eve! Yes, fellow Dumbasses, New Years Eve, a day when even the most devout among us partake of the Devil’s Water and perform stunts that they would condemn to hell anybody else who reveled in such a demonic way. Yes, this same self-righteous bastard who would wish you an eternity of wailing and the gnashing of teeth, will be running around on New Years Eve with a lamp shade on his head, his gazebos exposed in all their glory to reveal a temporary tattoo that reads “2012”.Let’s just hope for the dumbass’ sake that nobody tries to “pull the string” to see if “2012” lights up. I’m fairly certain that the idiot would light up like the National Christmas Tree if “the string were pulled”. I’m just sayin’.
What I am Thankful For
I am thankful you, fellow Dumbasses, each and every one of you from 120 countries around the globe. From Afghanistan to Zimbabwe and all countries and letters of the alphabet in between, I love you all. Even the Aggies. Side note for Aggies: 27-25. Have fun getting your asses handed to you in the SEC next year. It was fun for 118 years. Tradition-killing assholes. And I say that with love in my heart. Hook ’em Horns!
We now return you to your normal Dumbass Programming…I never knew that there that many dumbasses in that many countries. Now if I could get a few of you dumbasses in each of those 120 countries to support me in my effort to bring you the finest Dumbass News & Commentary to be found on the web. By support, I don’t mean moral support, I mean hit the damn “Donate” button on the top right of the sidebar. I’m not asking for $100 a month from you. $5 a month from a lot of you would “encourage” me enough to continue writing this shit despite what PETA and Moose Limbs think. Remember, I am your Standard Bearer, your Fearless Leader, the only guy you know who’s stoopid enough to write this drivel on a daily basis and I am the Head Dumbass! Besides, I need a new laptop. The one I am using now was ruined when I spilled Spam Soup all over the keyboard and into the guts of the machine. It ain’t a purty sight.
One More Quick Thing – Don’t forget soon we’ll be naming our 2nd Annual Dumbass of tthe Year before you know it, so go through the blog archives and pick out your nominee. Email nominations to realdumbassnews AT gmail DOT com or leave them in the comments. There are dozens of worthy candidates for this prestigious honor, so choose carefully, grass-hoppah.
- The Cursing Doll. A Dumbass Christmas gift if there ever was one. Read about the little bimbo right here.
- Do your neighbors complain that your big ass flat panel TV and home theater system are disturbing them at all hours? Show the whiny bastards this story , then tell them to shut the fuck up and be grateful that they don’t live near that monstrosity.
- There are few people more rude and sneering, knowing they have your life in their hands, than state DMV workers. Ohio DMV employees are the cream of the crop, or as we in Dumbassville say, the green turd in the punch bowl.
Get those Dumbass of the Year nominations in soon and enjoy the rest of the holiday weekend. And hit the damn “Donate” button!