Today, as I celebrate my 34th (Thirty-fourth? Am I really that old?) Fathers Day, I wanted to take a minute to wish every Dad in the United States, all ex-pat Dads overseas and, most importantly, the brave Dads in all branches of the US Military, a Happy Fathers Day.
I also wanted to express my deepest gratitude to God for giving me a chance to be a Dad. Twice. Opportunities that I in no way deserved, but the Almighty saw something in me that I didn’t even know was there and blessed me with my two beautiful daughters – Isabella the 9 Year Old and Bailey the 5 Year Old. I didn’t so hot the first time with my sons (who are both in their 30s), but I must admit that I am doing a bang-up job with my two little girls. No, that is not a misprint. I am Dad to two small children in my “Gettin’ to Be a Grouchy Fucker” Days. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Every man alive should have grandchildren older than his own kids.
Just like me. And my Dad. Like Father, like Son. (Doing my best Richard Pryor and strutting with my pointing finger poised and my arm swingin’ back and forth) We bad. We bad.
Dumbass Dad-Related Stuff
- The Old Guy in this story is somebody’s Father. The Old Guy was attacked by a Dumbass with a cucumber salad! Plus!, the Old Guy is a One Legged Old Guy! In a HoverRound! What. The. Fuck!!! The Cucumber Mugger is now a prison bitch. Have a nice day, dickweed.
- My Dad was a trucker. For over 40 years, he traveled literally millions of miles across the Fruited Pain. I bet he didn’t miss more than 10 days of work (until just before he died) during those 40 plus years. Never made an excuse to miss work. Some Dads come up some real dumbass reasons to play hooky from the job. Check out some of the be-yoots that have actually been used by Dumbass Dads everywhere.
- For the last-minute-shopping Dumbasses out there, here are some gifts that will give your good reason to remove you from his Last Will & Testament.
- This post is a very special one to me, your Fearless Leader. I wrote it about my own Dad. If your Dad has gone to the Big Truck Stop in the Sky like mine, have a hanky handy. Things could get, shall we say, emotional. No we shall not. We shall say that you might end up blubbering like a fat lady who runs out of Krispy Kreme Chocolate Glazed.
I love my wife, Heather, whose eye sight is poor and her judgement in husbands (me) ain’t so hot either. She is my rock. I put her through some shit that I won’t bring up here, but she stayed steady on her feet and in her resolve and for some God-only-knows reason. My life is much richer and more meaningful because of her. She has my everlasting devotion and love. She saved my life. I love you, Heather.
To my four kids: I could not have picked up a Sears Catalogue and ordered four offspring better than you. Trey, Toby, Issy and Bailey…I, in spite of my voluminous vocabulary and precision command of the English language, can not find the words to tell you exactly how much I treasure each and every one of you. Each of you, in his or her own way, has made me a better man and a better Dad. Your forgiveness for the many of my foolish sins and accepting me for “just being Dad”, warts and all, inspires me to reach a higher level of Dad-ness and manhood. I love you all unconditionally.
To my Grand Kids: Julius, Zoey, Chaeli, Aiden, Tristan and the soon to be newest Shoemaker, Benjamin Oliver (he’s due in September, maybe on my birthday!). Simply read what I wrote about your parents and put your names where theirs are. Same to you. I adore all of you to the moon and back. Y’all are the cheese on my burger. 🙂
Come sit on my knee and I’ll tell you about the Good Old Days
To Faith: Mija, you have added such character to our family. Your strength and determination plus a great outlook on life are the stuff that
makes strong families. no matter what happens ever, you will be “Mija” to me. You are presenting me with the gift of a Grand Son. Did you know that “Benjamin” means “Son of My Right Hand” in Hebrew? Now you do. If I could only figure out how the Jews would say “Grand Son of My Right Hand to the Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde”. 🙂 I love you, Mija.
I think that just about covers it all.
Happy Fathers Day!
With Fathers Day looming, it’s time for our 1st Annual Fathers Day Gifts Only a Dumbass Would Buy Extravaganza! We ran a similar feature for Mothers Day in May and that post undoubtedly save the asses of Dumbasses all over the United States. In case you missed the Mothers Day Do Not Buy List just click the link above and take a gander at some of the most God awful gifts in the history of gift giving.
Go see what I am talking about and I’ll wait here for you.
A Suction-Powered Lip Plumper? The sad thing is that people will actually buy that shit. I won’t even go into what Dear Old Dad could plump up with that thing, but I guarantee you it won’t be his lips.
Dad’s Turn in the Dumbass Gift Line
I am going to list some of the crap available for your Dads Day present purchases and you can use your own judgement as to the suitability of any individual item for your Father. I must say that if you hate your Old Man then this gift list is tailor-made for you.
OK, you bunch of Sons of Motherless Dumbasses, let’s go shopping for Dad!
Dumbass Doo Hickeys for Dad
We begin our lesson in what not to purchase for your Daddy on his special day with a real dandy idea. How about the fabulous Daddy Diaper Toolbox! This little beauty can be found at GiftsForDadToBe.com. Straight from the GiftsForDadToBe website we discover that the DDT (a perfect if I’ve ever seen one), has the following attractive features:
- Goggles – protection against projectiles
- Mask – toxic fume filter for when it doesn’t smell like roses
- Protective Poop Poncho – need we say more???
- Tongs – provides several inches of steel separation
- Turkey Baster – for precision hiney washing
- Ear/Nose Plugs – use with care
- Pacifier – scream plug
- Baby Wipes – for cleaning baby bottom
- Diaper for Newborn – cute as a kitten until it gets wet
- Bio Hazard Bag and Rubber Gloves – for quarantine containment
- Emergency Formula Container – doubles as a peepee cover
- Hand Wipes – to clean up afterwards
- Picture Frame – badge of honor
Let me tell you, Dumbass Horde, that at first I was a bit skeptical of the Daddy Diaper Toolbox, but I have seen the light! My initial thought was that any Dad worth his WD-40 would want to open a toolbox and see, oh, I don’t know, tools maybe? Craftsman, Mac or Snap On. That’s what I’m talkin’ about. But! Once I found out that the DDT comes equipped with a set of tongs for “several inches of steel separation” AND a nifty turkey baster “for precision hiney washing”, I became a believer! Can I get an “Amen” from the Dumbass Horde!!??
Now that the Daddy Diaper Toolbox has my full and undivided attention, I am enthralled and curious as to what other magnificent Fathers Day goodies are out there. Let’s explore together, shall we?
Being from Texas and all, I personally know dozens of cowboys. And I can not think of one of them that
would wouldn’t enjoy a life size horse lamp!
This masterpiece is an item for sale at Olighting.com for a mere $7981.00! Dad is sure to treasure it for at least ten minutes!
My Texas roots again steer (pun intended) me to this Western Themed artifact:
The Steer Skull Toilet Seat! Every Man Cave should have one. You can get your Dad one today at Overstock.com for only $41.49. I. Must. Have. One. Of. These!
Even More Dumbass Fathers Day Gifts!
These prized possessions are just the tip of the proverbial iceberg when it comes to outstanding Dumbass Dads Day Doo Hickeys. If you’d like to be further amazed at what passes for a present for a special occasion like Fathers Day, click on over to the HuffingtonPuffingtonPost for more exciting merchandise that will make Dad throw up like he drank cheap Tequila.
You won’t be sorry. You’ll be dumbfounded and nauseous and you’ll laugh your ass off, but you won’t be sorry.
And Dad will love the gift. Maybe. Or not.