Category: Daily Mail

Video Added! Sad "Dumbass News": King of Streaking to Retire His Birthday Suit

It’s a sad day in the World of Dumbassery.

The Most Prolific Streaker in the History of Nekkididity is retiring.

The Daily Mail has the nekkid truth.

Fare thee well.


***Hat tip to @doubledittos on Twitter***


Dumbass Sandwich Assault!

Melbeta, Nebraska. Population 112 in the 2010 Census.

That’s all I know about this tiny town except that it’s located near Scotts Bluff. I have heard of Scotts Bluff. Melbeta? Not so much. Until now. Thanks to two dumbasses and a sandwich.

Not So Quiet

One would think that such a small town would be a very quiet place. I guess it normally is. But all that peace and quiet was recently shattered when a couple, the Spurlings, got into it over the man’s boredom with living in the country.

Assault Sandwich

Things got so heated between the two that somewhere in there a sandwich assault occurred!

The Daily Mail fills us in, Mrs Spurling is reported to have become bored with the row and made herself a sandwich and returned to the couple’s bedroom – where he allegedly followed her.
The argument is then alleged to have become physical, with Mr Spurling accused of pulling his wife’s hair, pushing her down on the bed and rubbing the sandwich into her face.
Mr Spurling’s wife is reported to have had mayonnaise stains on her shirt when examined by the police.
She apparently told officers she had washed mayonnaise from her face and hair before they arrived at the property.
Mr Spurling, who denies the charge against him, was found lying face down on grass outside the couple’s home, according to the Scotts Bluff Star- Herald.

All Righty Then

I searched the Dumbass News Archives high and low and have verified that this is in fact the first Sandwich Assault story we have reported to you. What won’t we do to bring you the best dumbass stories out there? On second thought, it’s probably best not to ask that question, because God knows exactly what we’ll do for a few page views. But, I digress.
As you have prolly ascertained by now, this is BIG news in Melbeta. It’s not every day that a guy gets plastered on cheap ass malt likker and assails his wife with a bologna sandwich. This is such big news that it was picked up by one of the largest newspapers in the world! The whole sordid affair doesn’t do much for Melbeta’s image as a nice place to live, but still, news is news. Especially when it is Dumbass News-worthy. We only bring you quality stoopid shit. And we proved it again today. Nothing but the best shit for you, fellow Dumbasses.

It has been a pleasure exposing this sub assault and further showing what a drunk Dumbass and a sandwich can do for a small town’s standing in the Community of Man, while at the same time serving you a steaming pile of the premier poop you’ve come to expect from this blog.

Besides, the chick should have used mustard. Nobody uses mayo on a bologna sandwich. Those who do, suffer.


Generalissimo Bloomberg Bans BOBs in Big Apple! Kind Of

New York City and Mayor Michael Bloomturd have gone too far this time.

It all started with transfats, then salt and large fountain sodas as targets of Hizzoner’s I am a God Syndrome, now this vicious attack on Freedom has moved on to vibrators. Citizens of the Big Apple revolt!

Mayor Bloombito, Commie 

Mayor Michael Bloomingidiot of NYC is not a stoopid man. he’s a Commie Dumbass, but he is not a stoopid guy. he didn’t get to be a billionaire by being ignunt, so I figure he must have made a deal with Satan in order to achieve his riches and his power. That’s the only logical explanation.

As you’ll recall, His Highness started down the road to being a dictator by banning trans fats in restaurants throughout New York City. Then salt became the villain du jour. As if that ain’t enough of this Little Man’s Crusade to Run Your Life, he stepped in and decreed that soft drinks at eateries all over the city would not be sold in containers holding more than sixteen ounces.

At this point. you gotta wonder what the fuck is next?

Horny Wimmin & Homos Unite!

Now we know.

Buzz Kill 

The Daily Mail (London) reports, Shoppers were tingling with excitement when they spotted stalls handing out free vibrators yesterday.
Around 1,000 people – male and female – joined the queues across New York to get their hands on the sex toys.
Crowds downtown were left frustrated however, when city officials pulled the plug on the traffic-stopping event after only 40 minutes.”

Go read the entire article here and I’ll wait for you to return.

I Have Questions 

Fearless Leaders do not become Fearless Leaders by sitting idly by while the horny wimmin (and homos) of the biggest city in the country are denied their Constitutional right to self pleasure using battery operated boyfriends. That’s why I lead the Dumbass Horde, not follow it. 

I have a few very pointed (I said pointed, bwahahahahaha) questions for mayor Bloomingfuckwad.

  • Blocking traffic? Are you fucking serious? In NYC? That’s about as difficult as finding a homo in San Francissy.
  • What is your problem with horny wimmin and homos?
  • What have you got against vibrators? You appear to have one up your ass 24/7.
  • What have you got against Trojan? Wait, you have no “manhood” or balls so at least I can see your point here. You feel left out. Except for the vibrator up the ass part.
  • Why don’t you buy stock in Dura Cell and endorse the fake dick giveaway? You could make another fortune!
  • Use lubricant on your personal BOB and your asshole won’t be so chapped all the time.

I think these are fair questions that deserve, nay demand answers!

So whaddya say, Mayor? Grow a pair. Answer to the people you supposedly represent! Especially the horny wimmin and homo constituency. It’s your duty.

I guess we can be thankful that the BOBs in question were not salted 32 ounce dipped in lard toys. There’s no tellin’ what His Hiney-ness would have done.