Before I even get started on today’s foray into Dumbassery, I will WARN you that what you are about to read is NSFW!
Here at Dumbass News we ain’t skeered to delve into some of the most bizarre news stories on the internet. In other words, we willingly and unashamedly dive head first into the slime. Today is no exception.
Let the Triple Lindys begin!
When you see those two words (Freak City), what town do you think of? San Francisco? Las Vegas? Davenport, Iowa? Davenport, Iowa??!! Freak City? Yup.
Allow me to elucidate.
|Friend of the Foot Long|
There’s a Dumbass in Davenport who is a rather large fellow. 5’11”, 325 pounds of Large Fellow. Being a Large Fellow does not of course predispose one to be a Dumbass, but being a Large Fellow and breaking into a lingerie store is a good start on the Road to Dumbassville.
New Meaning to Breaking & “Entering”
The Scene: 4:10 AM. Jose Perales (all 5’11”, 325 lbs. of him) breaks into Dr. John’s Lingerie Store and samples the merchandise.
The following mental image can not be un-seen!
Then, in what will surely repulse Dr. John’s staffers, Perales walked into the manager’s office, removed his clothes, opened some of the merchandise, and “began to please himself anally on the manager’s desk and futon/couch.”
The burglar “then walked out of the office naked showing the large tattoo on his back. The tattoo read “PERALES” in Old English lettering.” The distinctive ink helped cops eventually identify Perales.
During his time inside the store, “Perales proceeded to try on female lingerie and experiment with sex toys for approximately two hours,” the complaint notes. When he departed Dr. John’s he was “wearing a dress and blond wig belonging to the business.” He also left with a bag “containing various items belonging to the business.”
Inquiring Minds Want to Know
- What. The. Fuck.
- This will be not be in the Davenport Camber of Commerce’s next Reasons to Visit Davenport brochure.
- Do Jose look pretty in pink?
- When Jose speaks of a “foot long”, I am certain he does not mean a hot dog.
- When Jose speaks of a “foot long”, I am certain that he does mean a 12 inch plastic weenie.
- Jose experimented with sex toys for two hours? Really?
- I bet you could park a Mack Truck in Jose’s hiney.
- Jose will become known as “Ho -zay” in the Iowa State Penitentiary, where “foot longs” are the rule rather than the exception.
- San Francisco has lost a fat gay guy named Jose.
- I feel the need to projectile puke.
***Hat Tip The Smoking Gun***
The scenario: a dumbass is listening to the local rock radio station in Davenport, Iowa. The disc jockey on the air comes up with a real dumbass promotion. DJ Dumbass says the radio station will pay six figures to anyone who gets the station logo tattooed to his forehead! The dumbass listener, David Winkelman, hauls ass to the local tattoo shop and gets the station logo tattoo on his forehead! But wait, there’s more! Winkelman has a stepson that’s as big a dumbass as he is. Richard Goddard, the stepson dumbass, got the tattoo also! In my capacity as Official Decider of Dumbassery, I have determined that there is a boatload of dumbass in the Winkelman household. But, just when you thought things couldn’t get more bizarre, they do. I mean these guys are putting six pounds of dumbass in a five pound bag. Remember the dumbass DJ who started this whole mess with the promise of a six figure prize to dumbasses like Winkelman and Goddard for getting the station logo tattooed on their foreheads? He was joking! Hardy frakkin’ har har. Do I smell a lawsuit here? Why, yes I do! Winkelman sued the station and eventually the suit was dismissed. Fastforward ten years. Winkelman was recently arrested and his mugshot showed that he still has that damn tatto! What about the radio station in question? As is wont to happen in the radio business (trust me on this one, folks), they changed formats and call letters! Now, that’s funny! And David Winkelman is still a dumbass.