Category: Dead Guy Parking

This Dumbass is a Real Swinger!

Dumbass Trap

I don’t know about you, but when I hear of a twenty-one year old man being a swinger, I tend to think of a Playboy-type guy. You know, always on the prowl for some, shall we say, “strange”. we all know the types – Charlie Sheen, for instance. Good ole Carlos is  a swinger personified. Not that that’s a good thing, that’s just way it is. For those of you who don’t live in the USA, google “Charlie Sheen”. You’ll be entertained, or sick to your stomach, for hours on end. What fun! I’m not here to tell you about Charlie Sheen, even this blog has standards – as low as they may be. Let me splain.

I Splain Here

Speaking of California….Vallejo, to be exact, is our destination and the home of a real swinger. Did I mention that this guy is a dumbass also? I didn’t? This guy is a dumbass. Our twenty-one year old dumbass and some of his dumbass buddies were hanging around a park when one of them got a brilliant idea. His scheme? To bet our dumbass a c-note, a Ben Franklin, ah hell, a hundred bucks that he (the dumbass) couldn’t fit into one of the kiddie swings. having apparently sniffed too much model airplane glue and hanging around Occupy Wall Street gatherings, the dumbass says, “OK”. What could possibly go wrong?

Let me tell you what could, and did, go wrong. The dumbass somehow got hold of some  liquid laundry soap and greased up his legs for much needed lubrication in order to fit into the kiddie swing. I’ll be damned if he didn’t fit into the swing! One problem though. He could not get out! But wait there’s more! Care to hazard a guess as to what that would be? Yep. You got it. His friends left the poor bastard stuck in the kiddie swing at the park! Now, this is not the Christian thing to do, but for dumbasses, this is the perfect thing to do. bwahahahaha Too damn funny. It gets even better! The poor dumbass sumbitch was in that kiddie swing all night long – more than nine hours. The next morning, somebody called the cops, who in turn called the Fire Department to rescue the shit-for-brains. I just knew nothing good would come of this, especially if you are the dumbass in question. For the rest of mankind this is funnier than a green turd in a punch bowl.

My Advice to the Dumbass

First off, I’d go purchase a decent .12 gauge shotgun and some #6 shells. After buying the scatter gun and ammo, open up the shells, dump out all the little bb’s and replace them with rock salt. Second, round up the three other guys who left you hanging out to dry and have them over for a beer. Third, tell them that they have exactly three seconds to run as far as they can before you turn Clint Eastwood on their sorry asses. Fourth, load up each of their rear ends with as much rock salt as time and distance permit. They will remember you for a long time to come. Fifth, drink all the beer that they brought over as a peace offering. Sixth, Sweet Revenge.

The next time you idiots (the dumbass & friends) want to piss away 100 bucks, click on the little radio button located at the top right side of this page (it says “Donate” on it), click it and follow the prompts. I’ll be glad to take it off your hands. No laundry soap required.



Dead Guys and Dumbasses

I’ll say it has!

Here at Dumbass News, we go to great lengths to bring you some of the most idiotic, but true, stories to be found on the internet. And believe you me, plagiarizing some one else’s work researching our topics ain’t as easy as it used to be. (remember we are dumbasses here) Plagiarism Diligent research is how we came across this story. In New York City, driving around town is no picnic and finding a parking space when you arrive at your destination can be very educational. Educational meaning the children in the car with you at that time will learn cuss words and expletives that would make Gordon Ramsey blush. Therefore, when you find a prime parking spot, you’d better hang on to it. And be sure to keep the parking meter fed so you don’t end up with a parking citation that will cost you an arm and a leg. Twenty-one year old Nicholas Rappold came up with a novel way to stake claim to his parking place. He died at the wheel of his car in a parking place! Ya gotta give Nic credit, he is, or rather was, very creative in staking claim to his favorite parking place. Now, Nic isn’t the main dumbass in this saga. The main dumbass in this little diddy is a cop. Not just any cop, though, the cop who issued a parking ticket to a dead man! The New York Daily News picks it up from there, “Police said the vehicle’s windows were heavily tinted and the parking enforcement officer was unable to see inside. Rappold’s body was discovered by a friend about an hour after the ticket was issued.” This statement reeks of dumbassery. The windows were tinted and the parking cop couldn’t see inside is a (pun intended) cop out. Where do the parking cops normally put a citation on a car when they are violating parking laws? The front windshield! And the front windshield cannot, by law, be over-tinted, dumbass. Look in the front windshield! The moment you see a motionless man slumped over the steering wheel of a car, something is out of ordinary. The slumped over man could be sleeping or drunk or, you know, DEAD! Either of these circumstances should arouse at least a modicum of suspicion, unless you are a NYC parking officer. In that case, you just wait for an hour and the dead guy’s friend, who happened by, will tell you, “Officer, my friend may be late in paying his parking fine. He’s dead.” The parking dumbass replies, “Good! He won’t park here again on my watch!” No shit, Sherlock. Remember our recent story about the guy passing $100 bills with Abe Licnoln’s(!) picture on them to dozens of business and the only one smart enough to see that the bills were fake was a bartender? I suggested sending the dumbasses that took the phony bills go to bartending school to learn about counterfeit money.In this case, maybe all parking cop trainees should be sent to a Coroner School for dumbasses so they can tell whether it’s a dead guy , or not who is illegally parked. Not that it matters to the dead guy. By the way, (I am not making this up), the dead guy is off the hook for a hefty parking fine. The City dropped the charges. How sporting of them.