My job in keeping this blog up and running is just a matter of me getting off my ass and writing something every day. That’s the hard part. The easy part is, as I have mentioned a million times, finding a dumbass to write about. and as Luck would have it, this great experiment in Democracy with its 310 million plus residents provides an endless supply of dumbass material. three of the most common themes are drugs (namely pot), tattoos and dead people.
Dead people tend to make the headlines quite often actually. I have written several stories about the dumbassery that goes along with being dead, not that it’s the dead guy’s fault. For some Dead People Dumbassery, you can check this post about the dearly departed receiving Social Security benefits and other taxpayer-funded subsidies. On a related note, this guy was getting his monthly gubmint check like clockwork. I am sure he would appreciate that except for the fact that he’s dead! And, lo and behold, today death again leads us to more dumbassery from the people put in charge of the department of Public Dumbassery and Stoopid Shit. I know that’s going around the coffee cup to find the handle but it’s worth the wait for today’s Dumbassery From the Grave!!
In Miami Gardens, Florida (Florida!!!), the city uses traffic light cameras to catch those hardened criminals who run red lights! As you know I am against violence unless it is totally necessary to the plot. Plot meet violence. Hence, I shall refer to traffic light cameras as “target practice”. I absolutely do not endorse or encourage any dumbasses to sight in his .22 rifle on the local “target practice” in his town, but I live in New England and I can not report what I don’t witness. I’m just sayin’. Back to Miami Gardens and the “target practice-using communists who run the place…Recently, “target practice” caught a car breaking a traffic law at a local traffic intersection. :::SNAP::: The
traffic light cam “target practice” did its “job” by catching this vicious resident violating City Law! Score one for the Commies. Almost. The car featured in the photo was the car of a dead woman! The decedent’s family had already turned in the tags to her car and done all the Commie Bullshit a family’s gotta do after a loved one dies. But the “target practice” doesn’t lie! Look! There’s the image of the car and it’s driver right there! The one minor flaw in the photographic evidence of wrong doing is that the, once again, the lady who owned the car is graveyard dead. Has been for months. So now the City and the company who runs the “target practice” program in Miami Gardens (American Traffic Solutions, Inc.) are back tracking like Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers doing the tango. Same old shit. “We’re sorry…”, “we’ll take care off it for you…”…the usual crap.
Here’s my take: Take down these fucking electronic invaders of my space and privacy and shove them up your collective ass, Miami Gardens! As far as American Traffic Solutions, inc., the program overseers, what I have in mind for them is against the law in Florida, so I’ll refrain from comment o that except to say that it involves a ribeye steak rub on the body, alligators and other such fun, froth and frivolity. It is my firm belief that until these “target practices” are removed from traffic lights in Miami Gardens (bwahahahaha, I kill myself. Like that will ever happen!). Or until they somehow malfunction and are beyond repair and cost prohibitive to replace. Two words: target practice. I hope you know that I am just teasing about that part.
Since I am the Head Dumbass around here, there are times when an Executive Dumbass Decision is in order, and today is one of those times. I am bit under the weather, so I Executive Decided to make today’s post a “Best of…” (or should that be “Worst of…?) thing. Therefore, I went through the blog archives ( for those of you in San Francisco that means I looked through some old stories…dumbasses) At any rate, I picked out some of the more dumbass posts from the past and will re-post them for your reading pleasure. And by that I mean that you can read these stories and find someone whose life is more screwed up than yours. Kind of a therapeutic deal, ya know? And it’s free. if you were to get this treatment from a licensed dumbass like a shrink, you’d be paying $125 per hour. You’re welcome.
- Dear Dead Person… – Since the government ain’t much help to you while you’re living and breathing, they are more than willing to give you a hand while you are taking a dirt nap! This could be a very lucrative business for the right person. I won’t give you any ideas about how it could be a gold mine, but you don’t have to be Einstein to figure it out.
- Dumbass Vampires– Vampires seem to be all the rage these days. I don’t understand why that is so, but I do know that anybody who dabbles in such bullshit is a dumbass.
- Tattoos Are Forever, Dumbass– I, personally, don’t see what the big deal about tattoos is. They’re just not my mug of beer, so to speak. I must admit, though, that I have seen some great works of art etched on some people. Then again, there are some dumbasses that carry “body art” to the extreme and the dumbass in our story today is one of those people.
Warning: Too much dumbassery can be harmful to your well being. I just made that up, so you’re safe to read about dumbasses all day long if you wanna. By the way, if you’ve got a dumbass story that you’d like to share with the rest of the world, drop me a line at realdumbassnews AT gmail DOT com. I’d love to hear from you.