Category: December

My First Live "Dumbass Alert" – December 15, 2010

This is a first for Dumbass News! A Live Dumbass Alert is being issued for South Central Maine. This Dumbass Alert  includes the Greater Augusta Area.We normally go online to look up all the Dumbass News that you read here, the news that so-called “news organizations” are too pussyfied to bring to you. However, a short time ago, a Dumbass News-worthy event took place about 50 yards from my front door. Here’s my exclusive report:

I got a call from a neighbor, who lives just across the way from us, on the Dumbass News Hotline about a breaking Dumbass News story. My neighbor, Tracie who shall remain nameless was the first dumbass on the scene, as this event took place about 25 feet from her back porch. Tracie My neighbor, despite being a dumbass, had the presence of mind to call me, The Head Dumbass at Dumbass News, with the first details from the scene of the dumbassery. I’d paraphrase what Tracie my neighbor had to say, but she’s a dumbass with a speech impediment and this is all I could make out, “oaocjappewf c nj/ACnv’;” I’m a little rusty when it comes to Dumbass, Spanish I know, Dumbass, I am learning, and this what I could gather: “Some stupid fuck dumbass just came around the “S” turn by the pre-school on an icy and snowy road, and bought it in the culvert behind my apartment”.

Looking Out Tracie’s My Neighbors Back Door

Sure enough, I went over to the scene of the dumbassery and there was a small gold car perched on the rock lining of the culvert, about two feet from being in a few feet of water. Since I am a Professional Dumbass, I took my camera with me to capture this dumbass moment in a photo to be used as an example of how NOT to drive on snowpacked roads. If you look at the driver’s side front door closely, in the photo above,you’ll see the reflection of a light. In the photo below, you’ll see that that reflection is coming from the cruiser of one of Augusta’s Finest. What you can’t see is the dumbass who pulled this little stunt is a passenger in the back seat of the squad car. bwahahahahahaahahahahaha

Thankfully, nobody was hurt in this accident and the dumbass driver will have a nice Christmas story to tell his dumbass grand kids some day. But the most important thing the dumbass can cherish and brag about until the day he dies, is that he was once the Dumbass of the Day!

Missed it by that much!

(dumbass hat tip to Tracie my nameless neighbor)

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