I have, as my late Dad used to say, been around the coffee cup huntin’ the handle. In other words, I have been there and done that. But I have never, and I mean never heard of such a thing as “assault with deer antlers”. Now I have. thanks to this blog. Who says that dumbassery can’t be an educational tool? Obviously some one who is just a mere “dipshit” and not a Certified Dumbass like me. Ha!
This where our final nominee for the 2nd Annual Fred G. Sanford “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Award comes in. let me stress to you that I did not make this story up. I ain’t that smart. Or that dumb. Whichever.
There is no way I could explain this tale of love and antlers that would be any better than when I wrote about it a couple of weeks ago.
Am I ever glad that that one made it to press just before the cutoff date for this year’s Dummy Awards. having done so, it is out final nominee for the Dumbass of the Year Award for 2011, and what a year in Dumbassville it has been for your Mayor here. But, wait there’s more!
I will announce to the world the winner of the Dumbass of the Year Award on Tuesday, January 3, 2012. However! Tomorrow, New Year’s Eve, I will be bringing to you the winners in the various categories of the DOY Awards! You won’t want to miss that! After reading the results of my tabulations, you’ll want to get a major head start on your drinking for the last night of 2011! What fun!
Be sure to set your alarms so you’ll be the first in your neighborhood to say, “Bring me a beer, Woman!” Fucking drunk. And…
|When they outlaw deer heads, only outlaws will have deer heads|
Dumbass News Flash!!! Bulletin!!! This a first for Dumbass News. And we have covered some really weird stuff. Remember the guy stuck on an island near the coast of California and doesn’t use his cell to call for help for five days!? Even though this is probably in the Top 5 All Time in terms of views, it ain’t got nothin’ on the dumbasses you are about to encounter. I thought this piece on dwarf tossing was one the weirder posts I have written. This one still doesn’t rival what you are gonna learn right now.
I know what your thinkin’, but that’s not a typo. I meant to write D-E-E-R. This is why: Terry is a guy in Zephyrhills, Florida (near Tampa) who, like many guys got into an argument with his girlfriend. But this disagreement took a turn for the Super Dumbass when the girlfriend, Chelsea, locked him out of the house. Terry got pissed off and tried to talk her into letting him in. She’d have rather slid down a giant razor blade on her ass into a vat of alcohol than let the dude in. Undeterred, Terry tried to remove a screen and climb through a window. Alas! Chelsea was waiting on the other side and slapped Terry down and called him “Shorty”. Terry, ever determined, thought for a moment and came up with a great idea. Go through the front door!
What happened next puts this story at the top of the “Dumbass of the Year” race. The broad refused to let him in. Then Terry deemed it best to kick in the front door! He did and Chelsea was prepared for battle. Did she have a gun in order to protect herself? Nope. A butcher knife? Guess again. WARNING! Swallow all liquids right now! Chelsea the extremely mad girlfriend was ready to stand her ground against Terry with a mounted deer head! I. Am. Not. Kidding. When the dude made his way inside, the chick attacked him the antlers on the deer head! She gouged and stabbed and swashbuckled her way up one side of Terry and down the other until he looked Swiss cheese.
One More Thing
To add even more dumbassery to this story, Terry and Chelsea have a 3 year old little girl together. But wait there’s more! They live together even though they are actually broken up. They cohabitate for financial reasons, which I’m sure we all understand and for sake of the little girl. Living with ex for the sake of the kid? That’s just plum stoopid. That’s even more dumbass than before. Oh, did I mention that the little girl witnessed the whole incident? She did. Hell, next time the two shit stains fight like this, and it will happen again, maybe they should duel. The whole damn thing would be over in a matter of seconds. .44 Auto Mags at ten paces. One of them dies and the other one is locked up at the nearest Death Row facility. This will also save the little girl from the trauma of seeing all this bullshit take place all the damn time.
Furthermore, neither one of these blights on humanity will ever be able to procreate again! I just love it when a plan comes together.
This concludes your Dumbass News Flash.