I wrote this post about a month ago and it was an Internet Smash Hit. I wanted to share it with you again as a Public Service and a lesson in civility. You know what I mean, “Do unto others, etc.”
With this post also comes an Official Dumbass News Spew Alert!
If you are currently drinking something, I highly recommend that you disengage said liquid from your mouth. Reading this screed has been known to cause spontaneous spewing thus damaging and possibly rendering inoperative any and/or all electronics with the Specified Spewing Range (SSR). this concludes this Official Dumbass News Spew Alert!
|Victim of British Dental Care System
Sink Your Teeth Into This
As a man who has said “I do” on more than one occasion, I can not emphasize to you the importance of maintaining at least a civil relationship with your former spouse. Doing so could save you a shit load of grief and misfortune at a later date. Trust. Me. On. This. One.
I do not speak with one of my former spouses, although I do not hold any ill will towards her. She has her life. I have mine. Our kids are all grown up now and they have and/or are in the process of having their own children. Besides, she lives in the Midwest, I live in New England. That way the shit works out right.
I am Facebook friends with another ex-wife and we get along very well. I actually like her. I know her husband and like him very much, too. He’s a great guy. As far as she and I are concerned, I think it’s pretty simple. She sees life differently because she was near death after a terrible automobile accident. Me? I see life differently because I quit drinking. Plus, we are twenty years older than we were when we were hitched and I’d like to think that we’ve both “matured” a little bit over the last two decades.
My current wife, whom I adore, is Eye-talian. I dare not piss her off because she has male relatives named Frankie, Vito, Guido, Vinnie and Sal. Enough said.
These kind of cordial interactions between exes are not always the case.
Let me splain.
Don’t Piss Off the Cook
You know the old sayings like “you don’t pull on Superman’s cape”, “you don’t spit into the wind”, “you don’t pull the mask off that old Lone Ranger” and “you don’t mess around with Jim” ( There ya go, Rachel! 🙂 ), I am sure.
I’d like to pass along another “don’t piss off…” warning to you. Don’t piss off the cook. The cook being the one who is preparing your food and has every opportunity to do vile and disgusting things to your meal should you unreasonably irritate him/her. This Rule of Life is alterable by substituting another word for “cook”. Like, let’s say, “dentist”. Especially a dentist who is your ex-lover/boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband/whatever.
Marek Olszewski learned this lesson the hard way.
Let me further splain.
The Toothache That Lead to Disaster
Some background to the story: Our Pollack friend Marek developed a toothache. He made an appointment with the dentist. But, fellow Dumbasses, this was no ordinary tooth yanker. This particular perturbed puller of pearly whites was Marek’s ex-girlfriend! In my humble Dumbass opinion, nothing good could come from this. Not even a bad tooth. A bad tooth and 31 other perfectly good teeth perhaps. Woops! I gave away the punch line.
The ex-girlfriend dentist, Anna, said that she tried to “be professional and detach myself from my emotions, but when I saw him lying there I just thought, ‘What a b—–d.'” So, like any spark-spittin’ mad bitch with a set of pliers and access to narcotics, Anna set out for revenge. She sedated Marek and carefully extracted his bad tooth. Then she pulled a good tooth. Then she removed another good tooth. And another. And another. Soon, Marek was as toothless as a meth-addicted moonshiner from West Virginia.
He Thought She was “Trustworthy”
Looking into a mirror confirmed Marek’s worst suspicions. He would be gumming his steaks and burgers for the foreseeable future. There was enough empty space in his mouth, just like his head, to park a 1956 Cadillac Fleetwood. Here’s what Marek had to say, “I didn’t have any reason to doubt her — I mean, I thought she was a professional”. Famous last words of a Dumbass. “But when I got home I looked in the mirror and I couldn’t fucking believe it! The bitch emptied my mouth!”
Dude, trusting a pissed off lady dentist who just happened to be your ex to pull a tooth should have been your first clue that this was not a good idea. The second clue should have been your membership card to “Dumbasses of America”.
It Gets Better
This is not the end of this ordeal for Marek. Not only did our Dumbass lose all his teeth in this episode, he also lost his current girlfriend! The reason the current gal pal dumped him? He has no teeth! She said she just couldn’t date a man who didn’t have any teeth. bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Now that’s funny!
I guess asking her for a blow job is out of the question.
Did I mention that this shit took place in England where dental hygiene is right up there with eating Coon Ass (Cajun) food? It. Ain’t. Happenin’.
Did I also mention that England has nationalized health care? This is what they deserve for enacting that shit. no offense to Ma and Pa Limey, just the fucking Commies who enacted and run the UK version of Obamacare. See what we are in for, America? But I digress.
Anna Gets Yanked
Anna is under investigation for medical malpractice and could face three years in an English prison playing “hide the suction hose” with other young ladies who have teeth. By that I mean no teeth in the head but teeth in other orifices of their bodies. I’ll leave it at that.
Have fun, Anna! By your actions, you have merited the old “broom handles area girl’s best friend” treatment.