Category: Denver

ID Thief Orders a Drink, Presents ID to Waitress – Waitress’ Stolen ID!

Thanks to my long time friend Matt Vaughn in Texas, today we are breaking new ground in the sink hole that is Dumbass News. I’ve come to expect stuff like this from Matt because he is one of the biggest Dumbasses I know. I must admit, however, that I am a bit jealous of Matt. And by “jealous” I of course mean that I would pay an exorbitant amount of money to one of my wife’s Eye-talian uncles (Sicilian, naturally) to put Young Matthew to “sleep with the fishes”, IYKWIMAITYD. This would be easy to accomplish because my buddy Matt lives near one of my old fishing holes, Lake Ray Hubbard. This is one of the reasons I am jealous of my friend – because he lives so damn near the lake. Another reason I am envious of Matt is because he has a Harley and I don’t. Having said all this, you can easily see why Matthew deserves a fate of nothing less than becoming catfish food.

So, Matt, if you wake up one morning with a severed horse head in your bed, it’s nothing personal, bro. It’s just bidness.

New Ground

Brianna

The groundbreaking part of our story today involves ID theft. This is a first for Dumbass News. In the past I have written about this stoopid bitch that was cashing Social Security checks – that were written to her DEAD boyfriend! There was also the time that we discovered that credit card theft is a gateway to becoming a smoker.

While cashing gubmint checks made out to your dead boyfriend and credit card theft are fine felonies indeed, they don’t compare to the Dumbassery we will learn about today.

May I See Your ID, Please?

Brianna Priddy is a waitress at the Applebee’s in the Denver suburb of Lakewood, Colorado. A couple of weeks ago, Brianna’s wallet was stolen from her. In the meantime, somebody was going around the Greater Denver area cashing hundreds of dollars of bad checks using Brianna’s stolen ID. This is important to remember.

One day Brianna was at work serving some delicious Applebee’s menu fare to the upstanding citizens of the Metro Denver area when a young lady came into the restaurant and was seated in Brianna’s section. The young lady, whom we’ll call Clarice, then ordered an adult libation. Brianna wasn’t sure that Clarice was of legal drinking age, so like the Law and Applebee’s company policy dictate, Brianna asked Clarice for some form of identification to verify that Clarice was indeed of the age of majority. Clarice happily complied and presented a drivers license to the waitress.

The ID that Clarice showed the server was Brianna’s stolen drivers license! This is what is commonly referred to as “Karma” or as I like to call it, “a swift kick in the nuts”.

Do Not Pass “Go”

One can only imagine what Brianna was thinking. But, she kept her cool and calmly took Clarice’s drink order then proceeded to call the local constabulary post haste.

Clarice was taken into police custody and charged with a bunch of shit that will keep her behind bars for a few years.

Thank you, Matt, for this heartwarming story of what goes around comes around. I can always count on you to deliver the goods, all in the name of Good Old Fashioned Dumbassery.

Now about that horse head….

Dumbass.

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Lady Beats Hell Out of Cop Boyfriend – w/ Justin Bieber Doll!

Not So Tough

BEST OF DUMBASS NEWS

Today’s story involves a cop and is one of the weirdest yet to appear on Dumbass News.That’s saying a lot considering the fact that we’ve written about cops being attacked by sex toys, cops whose police cruiser has been pissed on and a little diddy about a cop who tasered a female cops ass, in the police station! No matter how much dumbassery those stories reek of, they do not compare to the stoopididity that awaits you in this beauty.

Domestic Disturbance

Domestic violence is, sad, all too common in the United States. Sometimes these incidents involve police officers. Let’s face it though, that being a cop has to be one of the toughest jobs in the world. These guys gotta be wound tighter than a Britney Spears alarm clock, even at home. That’s still no excuse to put your hands on a woman in a violent manner. That said, let’s move on.

Our cop in question today is a member of the Denver Police Department. Michael Nuanes got into an argument with his girlfriend when things got, as they say, out of control. There was the usual pushing and shoving and throwing things. As a result of this confrontation, Michael is filing suit against his gal pal for being mean to him and injuring him with thrown objects. Did I mention that the thrown object that “injured” Nuanes was a Justin Bieber doll? Yes! A Justin Bieber doll! Dude, Justin Bieber himself couldn’t hurt my 5 year old daughter, much less a trained police officer. Upon seeing Nuanes’ mug shot, I thought the guy played linebacker for the Green Bay Packers and he says he was injured, on the foot no less, by a Justin Bieber doll??!! Dude, you are a fucking crybaby.

Are You Kiddin’?

From the story on HuffPo: “According to an Adams County Sheriff’s Office affidavit via the Smoking Gun, “Nuanes stated that [his girlfriend] had thrown a ‘Barbie Doll’ at him, which bruised his foot and [said] that it hurt … Nuanes pointed out a ‘Justin Bieber’ doll, which was the item used to injure him.” He also said she “bit his finger and that it also hurt.” Well, hell, that makes a world of difference. She bit his finger too! Good Gawd Almighty! I wonder what would happen if this guy had to arrest a real criminal like, let’s say, a gang member or a murderer? Curl into the fetal position and start sucking his thumb? Oh, wait.. He’s already proved he’s a tough guy by beating on a woman. My bad. He wouldn’t curl up and suck his thumb. He’d shit his pants, then curl up and suck his thumb.

On second thought, I have seen Justin Bieber has been wearing leather lately and that, in and of itself is a pretty scary sight. The doll must have been leather clad as well.

I almost forgot! You wnnaa know why the disagreement between Nuanes and his girlfriend started in the first place? Wait. For. It. She had yet to change her Facebook status to “In a relationship”! Are. You. Fucking. Kiddin’? I can almost here the Liberal weenies out there calling for the Feds to clamp down on Facebook. “Ban the Relationship Status” on Facebook! “Facebook Hates Women!” The possibilities are endless for an enterprising Commie Pussy.

What I Think

Where do I begin? First, Michael Nuanes has no place in the Denver Police Department or any civil service positon. He’s a coward, a bully and a big pussy for laying his hands on a woman like that. Second, send the cocksucker prison and let him find out how fun it is to be slapped around by somebody bigger than he is. Third, while he’s in the Big House, send him a lifetime supply of Soap on a Rope. If he were to drop a regular bar of soap in the prison shower, the right to remain silent goes out the window.

Fuck Michael Nuanes.

Dumbass.

4

Lady Lies to Get Out of Jury Duty; Tells Story on the Radio! Ooooooops!

Jury of Your Peers – Do They Look Happy to Be There?

If I have learned one thing in life it is that if you want to keep a secret or keep something private, it is best to not go on a 50,000 watt, clear channel radio station heard in almost 40 states and share your little story. I am fairly certain that such an act would let the cat out of the bag, so to speak. I could be wrong here, but I don’ think so.

KOA

KOA, 850 AM in Denver, Colorado is one of the most famous radio stations in the country. They are legendary in broadcast circles. KOA has been broadcasting for over 80 years and is very popular throughout the state. I have spent many hours listening to KOA in any number of states in the USA. It goes everywhere!

Knowing what we know, it would be safe to assume that you were to do an interview on KOA, that there would be someone you know is listening at that very minute. As a matter of fact, you can take it to the bank. Just ask Susan Cole.

Jury Duty

Susan was talking on the air with long time KOA talk show host Dave Logan (a former Denver Broncos wide receiver) telling the tale of how she skipped out on jury duty. She told Logan that she faked mental illness in order to avoid serving on a jury. Two things here: 1) Shirking your civic obligation to serve on jury duty, as big a pain in the ass as it can be, is not a good idea. 2) Faking an illness or lying to the Jury Duty Guys in order to avoid service is a felony. I’m just sayin’. And as one who suffers from BiPolar Disorder and ADHD, making light of mental illness is not very nice. It doesn’t offend me personally (none of my personalities….hahaha) but it sill ain’t cool. I can also state categorically that I have papers to prove I am a basket case, can you prove you’re sane? I didn’t think so.

Remember that part up there ^^^ where I said if you were on KOA, somebody you know would be listening? Guess what? As Susan told of her web of deceit, somebody she knew was listening to her tell it! Susan’s friend was not amused and reported her to the authorities. Karma, bitch, karma.

In the very near future, Susan won’t be telling tall tales on the radio, but she will be listening to them in the Denver County Jail – as a convicted felon.

My Word 

I know how inconvenient serving jury duty can be, I’ve been there. But it really is a civic obligation not to be taken lightly or routinely dismissed simply because it comes at a bad time. Juries are the foundation of our legal system and without them things could get pretty chaotic pretty quick. Just serve when you’re call upon to do so. You might actually learn something about how the criminal justice system works. There is another way to observe the workings of the justice system up close. That is to shirk jury duty. You’ll just get to see the system from the other side while 12 of your peers decide that your are an unAmerican dumbass lying to get out of the very thing they are there for. And all 12 of them may not be in a good mood on your day in court. Think about it.

Just ask Susan Cole.

Dumbass.

Cop Beat Up by Girfriend with a Justin Bieber Doll!

Beat Up by Justin Bieber Doll

Today’s story involves a cop and is one of the weirdest yet to appear on Dumbass News.That’s saying a lot considering the fact that we’ve written about cops being attacked by sex toys, cops whose police cruiser has been pissed on and a little diddy about a cop who tasered a female cops ass, in the police station! No matter how much dumbassery those stories reek of, they do not compare to the stoopididity that awaits you in this beauty.

Domestic Disturbance 

Domestic violence is, sad, all too common in the United States. Sometimes these incidents involve police officers. Let’s face it though, that being a cop has to be one of the toughest jobs in the world. These guys gotta be wound tighter than a Britney Spears alarm clock, even at home. That’s still no excuse to put your hands on a woman in a violent manner. That said, let’s move on.

Our cop in question today is a member of the Denver Police Department. Michael Nuanes got into an argument with his girlfriend when things got, as they say, out of control. There was the usual pushing and shoving and throwing things. As a result of this confrontation, Michael is filing suit against his gal pal for being mean to him and injuring him with thrown objects. Did I mention that the thrown object that “injured” Nuanes was a Justin Bieber doll? Yes! A Justin Bieber doll! Dude, Justin Bieber himself couldn’t hurt my 5 year old daughter, much less a trained police officer. Upon seeing Nuanes’ mug shot, I thought the guy played linebacker for the Green Bay Packers and he says he was injured, on the foot no less, by a Justin Bieber doll??!! Dude, you are a fucking crybaby.

Are You Kiddin’?

From the story on HuffPo: “According to an Adams County Sheriff’s Office affidavit via the Smoking Gun, “Nuanes stated that [his girlfriend] had thrown a ‘Barbie Doll’ at him, which bruised his foot and [said] that it hurt … Nuanes pointed out a ‘Justin Bieber’ doll, which was the item used to injure him.” He also said she “bit his finger and that it also hurt.” Well, hell, that makes a world of difference. She bit his finger too! Good Gawd Almighty! I wonder what would happen if this guy had to arrest a real criminal like, let’s say, a gang member or a murderer? Curl into the fetal position and start sucking his thumb? Oh, wait.. He’s already proved he’s a tough guy by beating on a woman. My bad. He wouldn’t curl up and suck his thumb. He’d shit his pants, then curl up and suck his thumb.

On second thought, I have seen Justin Bieber has been wearing leather lately and that, in and of itself is a pretty scary sight. The doll must have been leather clad as well.

I almost forgot! You wnnaa know why the disagreement between Nuanes and his girlfriend started in the first place? Wait. For. It. She had yet to change her Facebook status to “In a relationship”! Are. You. Fucking. Kiddin’? I can almost here the Liberal weenies out there calling for the Feds to clamp down on Facebook. “Ban the Relationship Status” on Facebook! “Facebook Hates Women!” The possibilities are endless for an enterprising Commie Pussy.

What I Think 

Where do I begin? First, Michael Nuanes has no place in the Denver Police Department or any civil service positon. He’s a coward, a bully and a big pussy for laying his hands on a woman like that. Second, send the cocksucker prison and let him find out how fun it is to be slapped around by somebody bigger than he is. Third, while he’s in the Big House, send him a lifetime supply of Soap on a Rope. If he were to drop a regular bar of soap in the prison shower, the right to remain silent goes out the window.

Fuck Michael Nuanes.

Dumbass.

Guacamole School, Fighting Avacados and Poor Fearless Leader

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The Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde Has the Flu Edition: well, Hell. It appears that The Crud┬« has caught up with your Fearless Leader. I have been dodging the bullet for about a month now, alas I can dodge no more. My wife and Issy have been bravely battling this Viral Menace for about four weeks and the poor chicks just can’t get over it. Therefore, it is with a heavy heart and unbridled sadness that I blame them for the fact that I am now infected! I’ll be putting them both on waivers later today to see if any stoopid bastard lucky man will claim them. I’ll keep ypu up to date.

In spite of the fact that I stand in an eye to eye, face to face with Death itsownself, I stand with the might of the Dumbass Horde behind me! If all that dumbassery doesn’t scare Death to the point of pissing his pants, then I am a DOOMED man. However, I know deep in my soul that the power of dumbassery can and will overcome any Evil that stands in its way. Except ex-wives. No power on Earth, short of The Almighty Himself can banish the Satanic evil that is an ex-wife.

With the Dumbass Horde behind me and the help of The Almighty leading the way I shall do my sworn at duty to keep dumbassery at the fore of world events. Remember, I snack on danger and dine on Death. And tacos. I like tacos a lot. Guacamole too. Avacados are The Official Fruit of the Dumbass Horde®. Until I replace it with another one. I am spontaneous that way.

Dumbass.

From October 31, 2011: Last Tuesday I posted the first “Guide to Dumbass Excuses for Missing Work”. I knew that I had covered only a few of millions of reasons to take a day off from your job. There’s one excuse that’ll blow you away when I reveal it to you. It’s also a felony. Let me splain.

There’s this private school in Denver named Escuela de Guadalupe, which is Meskin for “School of Guacamole”. The Gucamole School employs a physical education teacher whose handle is Jennifer Gomes, which is Meskin for “Jennifer Gomes”. Two weeks ago today, on October 17, Senorita Gomes decided that she wanted to take a day off of work and she came up with an utterly flawless idea, and by flawless I mean fucking stoopid, that would not only give her the much-deserved day off she wanted, but everybody (students, teachers, administrators, janitors) at the Guacamole School would get to stay home too! I know you’re thinking, “how could a simple PE teacher accomplish something of such a grand scale?” You dumbass, what else could she do but call in a bomb threat! I.Am.Not.Making.This.Up. It is said that there is a fine line between genius and insanity, well the Guacamole School PE teacher has firmly entrenched herself on the dumbass side of that line.

Imagine the joy and smiling young faces, not to mention the thunderous chorus of “Gracias, Senorita Gomes!”, from the Little Fighting Avacados (Fighting Avacado is the school mascot) when they found out that she alone was responsible for this unscheduled school holiday. On the other hand , the estudiantes will be throwing rancid tamales at the pendeja when they find out they’ll have to make up this day later in the school year.

At any rate, Ms. Gomes is now charged with a felony for making a bomb threat at a Guacamole School, which in this barrio in Denver is a right of passage. I can say this because I have been to many barrios in the Greater Denver Area and I can assure you that not a single one of them will appear on the cover of Better Homes and Garden or on a Top 10 Best Places in America to Live lists, so I am not at all out of el line-o here. Paraphrasing The Bard, “a dumbass by any other color would be as fucking stoopid”.

Besides, Senorita Gomes did it for the children – her little Fighting Avacados.

Dumbass.

Frozen Dead Guy Still Rests at Home Thanks to an Angel of Mercy

Ladies and Gentlemen, a matter of the utmost urgency has come to my attention!

Frozen Dead Guy, F I P (Freeze In Peace)

Frozen Dead Guy

First, a little background. many years ago I lived in a quaint (read: they had a likker store & pot was easy to find) little village nestled high in the Rocky Mountains about 15 miles up the canyon from Boulder, Colorado, in a very small town called Nederland. I loved that place, man. At 8299 feet above sea level, Ned, as it is called by the locals, was a little more than halfway to the highest point in Colorado, nearly as high as I was most of the time. Ned is a heavy duty locale with some great residents and just enough to do to keep you busy. Bars with small dance floors, live music on the weekends and some pretty good grub in the local eateries. However, Nederland, Colorado is better known as the Home of the Frozen Dead Guy. For real. An Honest-to-God frozen dead guy. Take a minute to learn about Bredo the Frozen Dead Guy from the link I put back there. <——-.

Thank God for Amanda MacDonald 

It’s a bit of a long story about the Frozen Dead Guy (new link), so for those of you dumbasses that are too lazy to read the previous link, I’ll give you the Reader’s Digest version. Bredo Morstoel was a living breathing human bean until the day he died. After he died, he was frozen. He wanted it that way. (Read the damn LINKS up there ^^^^^!!!) Having been turned into dead guy popsicle, it just wasn’t right to call him “Bredo” anymore. So, a caring resident of Nederland, whom we’ll call The Stoned Guy, thought to himself, ” Having been turned into dead guy popsicle, it just isn’t right to call him “Bredo” anymore. I know! Let’s call him Frozen Dead Guy!I told you the dumbass was stoned! The dumbass, in his state of stoned-ness also had another drug-induced brainstorm. “Let’s have an annual festival in honor of the Frozen Dead Guy an call it “Frozen Dead Guy Days”! We can hold this hoedown in late winter every year!” (March 2-4, 2012) I present to you the definitive case for the legalization of pot. The idea of Frozen.Dead.Guy.Days. It couldn’t be any more obvious.

Foreign Agents Try to Buy Frozen Dead Guy

Very recently, a cabal of Communist Spies and Men of Intrigue hatched a nefarious plot to gain possession of Frozen Dead Guy through any.means.at.their.disposal. Not long ago, this gang of vicious, underhanded, evil foreigners sneaked their way into Nederland to carry out this diabolical scheme.These bad, bad men are far more than your every day Commie Infiltrators. What I am about to divulge to you gives me the willies just letting the thought enter my mind. If I turn up dead and frozen, the investigation to my untimely demise must begin and end with these satanic bastards! If I must die at the hands of these madmen, I am putting my faith in one member of the Dumbass Horde to not rest until all of the gory details of my Departure from this Veil of Tears have been revealed and adjudicated to the satisfaction of my widow and children, as well as the local authorities and the Texas Rangers. (No, Dumbass! NOT the baseball team! The Law Enforcement Guys!) God bless you. Whoever you may turn out to be.

Putting My Life at Risk By Telling “The Big Secret”

The Organization of the Godless Commie Bastard Assassins, the OGCBA, that I have exposed to you in this blog post are brutal outlaws ten times worse than the Hells Angels. That’s how grave the danger in which I put my very existence is. Simply put, I am a Dead Man Walking. But, I regret that I have only one life to sacrifice for the Frozen Dead Guy, the Town of Nederland, my friends who live there and to my family in Texas, Colorado and here, in Maine. I shall keep an eye on you from On High. Please remember me.

The Big Secret 

Now that I am resigned to my Fate, it is time for me to expose the horrible misdeeds that almost destroyed everything and everybody surrounding the Frozen Dead Guy. The lair of Satan’s Minions that I have plied you with information about will no longer find safety behind the cloak of anonymity.

These blood sucking vampires, whose scorched Earth blueprint for the nothing-less-than-total annihilation of all that is Holy in Nederland, are members of an unrepentant society whose vision of snatching priceless heirlooms, like Frozen Dead Guy, and using them for nothing but their own twisted view of celebration.

The gate Keepers of Hell of whom I speak are…..Partners in a Public Relations Firm whose sole purpose in life was to purchase Frozen Dead Guy and move him to Denver! There! I’ve said it! God, please protect me! I know deep in my heart of hearts that this revelation is something so shocking, so sinister, so gosh darn mean, that many of you fainted dead away upon reading this horrific news! Do these men have no souls? Moving Frozen Dead Guy to Denver is comparable to the Pope becoming Scientologist. Unthinkable!

This pack of Commie Sympathizer wolves had not anticipated one particular thing happening during their relentless pursuit of Frozen Dead Guy and their evil intentions once they had succeeded in pilfering him from his rightful Earthly family in Nederland. What base had they left uncovered, what detail had they overlooked, what stone had been left unturned?

These “men”, the Organization of Godless Commie Bastard Assassins and PR Guys, had not counted on a smallish woman with the ferocity of a pit bull to throw a rusty Monkey Wrench into their well-oiled Doomsday for Nederland Master Plan!

Our Heroine in this Saga of International (OK, between Denver & Nederland; inter-city?) Intrigue and Suspense is Ned’s own Amanda MacDonald! Never once thinking of the peril of embedding herself in this pit of Big City Vipers, Amanda went straight to Nederland City Officials and laid down her own hard earned cheese (cash, for y’all in Newark, NJ) and bought Frozen Dead Guy and the Frozen Dead Guy Days event for the sole purpose of keeping the festival in Nederland.

In an interview with the Leading Liberal Weenie Communist Daily Boulder Camera, Amanda said of her new toy, that Chamber of Commerce and city officials in Ned “really wanted to keep it local, and they did make it affordable for me [to buy the event], I think, with this kind of understanding: that rather than some promotion company from Denver [taking it over], I wouldn’t really change it drastically,” MacDonald said. Honestly, I just wanted to see it stay in town. It’s really Nederland’s event.”

“It’s really Nederland’s event”. Powerful words. Inspiring words. Words of a sage. Words that cost Amanda a shit load of cash. Standing in the way of an oncoming PR Freight Train, Amanda stood steady, firm, unyielding, unwavering in her convictions  when confronted by a monster so hellbent on seizing Frozen Dead Guy and the festival that bears his name, Amanda pulled off what was once thought to be impossible, stompin’ a mud hole in a bunch of suit-wearin’ sissies from Denver trying to bull doze the unsuspecting citizens of Nederland and escape with a Ned Treasure more valuable to them than a bottle of good Scotch to Amy Winehouse – Frozen Dead Guy.

Let this be a lesson to us all. A lesson in courage. A lesson in determination in the face of overwhelming odds. It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog. David slays Goliath.

Amanda, I along with the tens of members of The Dumbass Horde salute you. well, we would salute you if we all weren’t mental midgets. But, it’s the thought that counts. Also…..as the Head Dumbass, it is my high privilege  and distinct honor to bestow upon you the Title of Dumbass Laureate. We bow to you, Amanda MacDonald. Forevermore your name will bring to mind words like visionary, steadfastness and hundreds of other words that not a damn one of us understand. We, however, do know one of us when we see one. And Amanda MacDonald, you are one of us. We are blessed by Heaven to be calling you sister, friend, heroine to dozens and…..

…..Dumbass.

Teacher Issues Bomb Threat for the Guacamole School!

The Fighting Avacados!

Last Tuesday I posted the first “Guide to Dumbass Excuses for Missing Work”. I knew that I had covered only a few of millions of reasons to take a day off from your job. There’s one excuse that’ll blow you away when I reveal it to you. It’s also a felony. Let me splain.

There’s this private school in Denver named Escuela de Guadalupe, which is Meskin for “School of Guacamole”. The Gucamole School employs a physical education teacher whose handle is Jennifer Gomes, which is Meskin for “Jennifer Gomes”. Two weeks ago today, on October 17, Senorita Gomes decided that she wanted to take a day off of work and she came up with an utterly flawless idea, and by flawless I mean fucking stoopid, that would not only give her the much-deserved day off she wanted, but everybody (students, teachers, administrators, janitors) at the Guacamole School would get to stay home too! I know you’re thinking, “how could a simple PE teacher accomplish something of such a grand scale?” You dumbass, what else could she do but call in a bomb threat! I.Am.Not.Making.This.Up. It is said that there is a fine line between genius and insanity, well the Guacamole School PE teacher has firmly entrenched herself on the dumbass side of that line.

Imagine the joy and smiling young faces, not to mention the thunderous chorus of “Gracias, Senorita Gomes!”, from the Little Fighting Avacados (Fighting Avacado is the school mascot) when they found out that she alone was responsible for this unscheduled school holiday. On the other hand , the estudiantes will be throwing rancid tamales at the pendeja when they find out they’ll have to make up this day later in the school year.

At any rate, Ms. Gomes is now charged with a felony for making a bomb threat at a Guacamole School, which in this barrio in Denver is a right of passage. I can say this because I have been to many barrios in the Greater Denver Area and I can assure you that not a single one of them will appear on the cover of Better Homes and Garden or on a Top 10 Best Places in America to Live lists, so I am not at all out of el line-o here. Paraphrasing The Bard, “a dumbass by any other color would be as fucking stoopid”.

Besides, Senorita Gomes did it for the children – her little Fighting Avacados.

Dumbass.