Category: Dildo

NSFW! 325 Pound Man Busts into Lingerie Shop, Plays "Hide the Plastic Sausage"

Before I even get started on today’s foray into Dumbassery, I will WARN you that what you are about to read is NSFW!

Here at Dumbass News we ain’t skeered to delve into some of the most bizarre news stories on the internet. In other words, we willingly and unashamedly dive head first into the slime. Today is no exception.

Let the Triple Lindys begin!

SPLAT!

Freak City

When you see those two words (Freak City), what town do you think of? San Francisco? Las Vegas? Davenport, Iowa? Davenport, Iowa??!! Freak City? Yup.

Allow me to elucidate.

Friend of the Foot Long

There’s a Dumbass in Davenport who is a rather large fellow. 5’11”, 325 pounds of Large Fellow. Being a Large Fellow does not of course predispose one to be a Dumbass, but being a Large Fellow and breaking into a lingerie store is a good start on the Road to Dumbassville.

New Meaning to Breaking & “Entering”

The Scene: 4:10 AM. Jose Perales (all 5’11”, 325 lbs. of him) breaks into Dr. John’s Lingerie Store and samples the merchandise.

The following mental image can not be un-seen!

Then, in what will surely repulse Dr. John’s staffers, Perales walked into the manager’s office, removed his clothes, opened some of the merchandise, and “began to please himself anally on the manager’s desk and futon/couch.”
The burglar “then walked out of the office naked showing the large tattoo on his back. The tattoo read “PERALES” in Old English lettering.” The distinctive ink helped cops eventually identify Perales.
During his time inside the store, “Perales proceeded to try on female lingerie and experiment with sex toys for approximately two hours,” the complaint notes. When he departed Dr. John’s he was “wearing a dress and blond wig belonging to the business.” He also left with a bag “containing various items belonging to the business.”

Inquiring Minds Want to Know

  • What. The. Fuck.
  • This will be not be in the Davenport Camber of Commerce’s next Reasons to Visit Davenport brochure.
  • Do Jose look pretty in pink?
  • When Jose speaks of a “foot long”, I am certain he does not mean a hot dog.
  • When Jose speaks of a “foot long”, I am certain that he does mean a 12 inch plastic weenie.
  • Jose experimented with sex toys for two hours? Really?
  • I bet you could park a Mack Truck in Jose’s hiney.
  • Jose will become known as “Ho -zay” in the Iowa State Penitentiary, where “foot longs” are the rule rather than the exception.
  • San Francisco has lost a fat gay guy named Jose.
  • I feel the need to projectile puke.

Dumbass.

***Hat Tip The Smoking Gun***

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Upstate and Upside the Skull with a Sex Toy!

TWELVE Inches??!!

When I wrote this story about some drunk, horny Battery Operated Boyfriend-wielding Dumbass Dame attacking a policeman last November, I remember thinking at the time that stories like that would come around about once every 12 to 18 months. I was wrong. It took less than six months for another one to become the buzz (ha ha) of the internet.

For today’s Assault by Dildo Adventure we venture to Upstate New York.

BOB and the Cop

The Watertown, New York Police Department recently received an early morning call about an unwanted person at a local residence. The “unwanted person” was a local woman who was not a welcomed guest at the home of a male friend of hers. At 3AM! This would be the appropriate time to inject (pun intended) into the story that the bitch was, shall we say, drunk. No, we shall say that the bimbo was blasted. 


Anyway, it was three in the morning and Officer Jonathon Pitts did his duty and went to check out what the hell was happening at this apartment. Upon surmising that the woman was indeed inebriated and not welcomed at the guy’s home, Officer Pitts went about escorting the Dumbass from the residence when IT happened.

The suspect, Lisa Anderson, took offense to being removed from the premises and on the way out, lead by Officer Pitts, Anderson noticed a pink sex toy that just happened to be laying in a nearby chair. It was at this point that she picked up the plastic penis, threw a high heater ( a little baseball lingo there) in the general direction of the cop and it smacked the Good Officer on the forehead!

Questions immediately abound.

WTF

Being the inquisitive Dumbass that I am, I demand answers to some very pertinent questions that arise from this incident.

Questions:

  • Why is Lisa Anderson, the drunk fake dick throwing dumbass out at 3 AM? Did her mother not ever tell her that nothing good happens after midnight? 
  • Why is there a pink plastic penis “just laying around” in a chair in the living room of the victim’s apartment? I am of the opinion that the guy in this story wanted to get his freak on with Lisa and the BOB but she was too loaded to perform to his specifications. This is merely speculative mind you.
  • As a former Professional Drinker, I saw and did some pretty damned stoopid shit, but throwing a dildo at a cop was not one of them. Of course, I never had much use for a TWELVE INCH (according to the police report) pink plastic ding a ling, whether my Blood Alcohol Content was .02 or .20. Then again I was never lucky enough to be around a drunk chick who came over to my house at 3 AM wanting to play “Bury the BOB in My Nether Regions”. Damn the bad luck.
Three Hour Tour 
It goes without saying that Lisa was taken into custody and put up for the remainder of the night in the City of Watertown Cross Bar Hilton charged with the “old dildo to the head of the investigating flat foot is a no-no” statute. This is a misdemeanor offense, so after sobering up, Lisa was released from custody and hightailed it straight away to a local 7-11 where she purchased a bottle of the Mad Dog and some “C” cell batteries for BOB. 
I hope she gets here before 3 AM.
Dumbass.

Sex Toy Mishap Leads to Vibrator Litigation!

WARNING!!! This story is NSFW! (unless you have a freak for a boss) It is especially INAPPROPRIATE for children! You have been WARNED. Gross out WARNING also!

Love in a Box

Where to start, where to start where to start? There are a lot of love birds in the world today that seek to “enhance” their sex lives – Viagra, Cialis, “marital aids”, etc. Considering this, one doesn’t have to look too far for a dumbass freaky sex toy story. And boy have I got a doozy for you today!

A lady in Northern California is suing a “marital aid” maker in SoCal because of a terrible experience using one of their products. The fake dick maker is named, get this, Pipedreams Products. Now that’s funny! But my question is, how does one have an accident using a vibrator or some such? According to the woman, she and her boyfriend were having Mad Monkey sex when she felt a sharp pain “down there”. the guy quickly removed the vibrator and it was covered with blood. The chick thought at the time that her “monthly visitor” had made its round. That theory was shot to hell when she continued to lose blood and fade in and out of lucidity. Her son thought his mother was dieing and she did, too. The son rushed her to the hospital where she administered several pints of blood and stabilized. The lady tried to get some compensation from Pipedreams, but the company said, “How about a new fake weenie and a set of ass beads instead?”. This offer was not well received by the woman in question. OK, I made that new fake weenie and ass beads part up. The point is that Pipedreams said, “Haha, bitch, you are screwed. And bloody. But mostly screwed.” So she is now suing the fake dick maker, who has blood on his, er, uh, hands. Or something.

This episode brings to mind several thought-provoking questions, but I’ll address just a couple or three. Question number 1: How in the world can a vibrator cause a bloody mess in a woman’s vagina? Explosion? The lady mistook a small kitchen appliance for her sex toy? Maybe the boyfriend was slammin’ it “in there” like a construction worker with a jack hammer working a a New York City sidewalk. I dunno. I’m still trying to figger this one out. Question number 2: Does a government agency test these sex toys to ensure their safety, like they do hair dryers or or kids’ car seats? You know, A Department of Fake Dick Testing or some such. If so, I hope they test them on Playboy Playmates or some sleaze ball skanky sluts from the porn industry. Question number 3: is this government agency hiring?

Dumbasses.

Cop Attacked By Sex Toy Wielding Drunk Dumbass

This Leads to Assault By Sex Toy

Ladies and gentlemen, I have found what could easily be the “Dumbass of the Year” news story. This story makes all previous contenders for this coveted award look like pikers. It’s that good.

We have all the elements of an honest-to-goodness, without-a-doubt of a classic dumbass story. Carolee Bildsten has earned a place in the Dumbass Hall of Fame with this beauty. Carolee recently went to Joe’s Crab Shack in Gurnee, Illinois for some supper and a bit of wine. Mission accomplished, she walked out without paying her bill. That’s Dumbass Move Number 1. Alert employees then called the cops. The police searched the vicinity and eventually found Carolee laying on a patch of grass near a Six Flags amusement park.  Behold Dumbass Move Number 2. Noticing that Carolee was plowed, the policeman on the scene offered to take her home to get some money to pay her bill at Joe’s Crab Shack. Carolee accepted this generous offer and was escorted home by the nice cop. When they arrived at Carolee’s house, she told the fuzz that she had money in her dresser. She went to her dresser, opened the drawer and instead of pulling cash flow, she pulled out a BOB!!! (battery operated boyfriend). According to the police report, Carolee the Dumbass” said her money was in her dresser drawer and she opened it and reached inside and removed a ‘clear, rigid feminine pleasure device’ and held it over her head and approached the officer in a threatening manner”. At this precise moment, the policeman’s assault by sex toy training took over and he knocked the “clear, rigid female pleasure devcie” out of Carolee’s hand and placed her under arrest and ask her what she had planned for later that night and if she had a girlfriend who could join them. <wink wink> OK, I made that last part up.

Carolee was “charged with theft of labor for allegedly walking out on the restaurant bill, pedestrian under the influence for walking on city streets while inebriated, and aggravated assault for menacing the officer with a sex toy.” Menacing the officer with a plastic penis is serious business in Gurnee, Illinois. How serious? The dildo landed Carolee in jail where she faces a stiff sentence. Dumbass.

That, my friends, is the Leader By a Head in the Clubhouse for the Dumbass of the Year Award.

(hat tip to UPI )