Category: Dogs

Canine Plastic Surgery Eliminates Ugly Dogs! People Next!

Sorry the blog looks a bit odd today, but Blogger is acting weird. I have tried numerous ways and many times to rectify the problem to no avail. I’ll dig a little deeper this weekend in order to alleviate the bullshit.
Thanks,
Toby
Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde

I don’t watch a helluva lot of TV. When I do partake of the evening’s television broadcast entertainment, I tend to soak up the more cerebral fare. Like Duck Dynasty. Or Lizard Lick Towing. You know, the real heady stuff.

Mrs. Fearless Leader on the other hand is a wizard at watching the tube. Sometimes when she’s watching TV, my attention is diverted by some I hear on the television. Recently as she was tuned in to some shit, I happened to notice the phrase “Westminster Dog Show” or something very similar. If you are not familiar with the Westminster Dog Show, it’s like the Miss America pageant for dogs. You won’t see Fido from the local animal shelter being paraded around during this competition. The canines in the WDS are worth thousands of dollars eachPure bred pooches with lineages that read like thoroughbred horses. Or the Kennedys. This thing is serious. fucking. bidness.

Which leads us to today’s story.

Pretty Puppy

There’s a dude in China who takes his dogs very seriously. He’s a breeder of Tibetan Mastiffs. It is my understanding that Tibetan Mastiffs are very intelligent and equally as ferocious. TMs have also made the breeder, Mr. Yu, a very wealthy man.

Back to the Mr. Yu Seriousness Factor…Mr. Yu is of the thought that the better looking one of his dogs the more likely that potential customers will be to breed their Tibetan Mastiffs with his. This makes perfect sense.   
What sets Mr. Yu’s Tibetan Mastiff Dog Humping Service and Bar & Grill apart from other bidnesses of similar ilk is the fact that Mr. Yu goes the extra mile in making his breeding animals more attractive to other China Guys looking to have their dogs knocked up by one of Mr.Y’s animals. And does he do this? Doggy plastic surgery! You read that right, in order to make his dogs more appealing for doggy style activities, Mr. Yu puts ’em under the knife!
Dog Gone 

Mr Yu, told Chinese media he had hoped a 1,400 yuan (£140) session of plastic surgery would make the dog more attractive to other dog-owners looking for a breeding partner.

“If my dog looks better, female dog owners will pay a higher price when they want to mate their dog with mine,”

But the Tibetan Mastiff – a trophy dog among China’s growing legion of nouveau riche – reportedly died on the operating table last November after suffering heart failure possibly linked to the anaesthetic.

What in the name of Rin Tin Tin is going on here?! 

No More Ugly People 

Mr. Yu has unwittingly come up with the Scientific Discovery of the Century! 

Do you not realize this amazing procedure will be the end of ugly people forever? Genetics be damned!

Think about it. Simple plastic surgery that makes ugly folks beautiful will result in a nation full of pretty people! To hell with all that DNA bullshit that until now was believed to have been responsible for children looking like their parents. Cosmetic surgery will eliminate ugly forever! We’ll be a country full of Brad Pitts and Jessica Albas! No more Roseanne Barrs and Michael Moores!

Hooray!

Dumbasses.
***Thanks Stoo!***


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Say It Ain’t So, Mariah!

Photo by James Devaney

What is it about getting rich and famous that turns seemingly plain old folks into dumbasses? I can understand all of the sudden that you have more money than God and you are now able to go places and do things that before you could only dream of. More power to you in that case. What I am talking about is when sudden riches turn ordinary people into blathering dumbasses, so far removed from reality and where they come from that they are, as a person, completely unrecognizable from what they once were. Mariah Carey is one of those people.

I don’t know much about Ms. Carey except that she a pretty girl and can sing her ass off. I couldn’t name you one of her songs if you held a gun to my head. I also remember a while back when she was in the news all the time because she had some “medical issues”. I thought she had conquered those demons and she made a career comeback of epic proportions, got married and is expecting twins. I think that’s great after all she has been through. Then Mariah goes and opens her mouth and removes all doubt that she is a dumbass. Let me splain.

Mariah has several dogs. Again, good for her. I am sure that she loves her dogs and takes very good care of them. Maybe too good care of them. With the impending arrival of her two little bundles of joy, Mariah cares enough for her pooches that she is sending them to therapy so they won’t feel left out when the babies get here! Are you fucking kidding me? Here’s a quote from the story on BoomBox  “but the mom-to-be is pulling out all the stops to make sure they don’t get jealous of the new addition to the family. Mimi has hired a dog psychologist to treat her four Jack Russell dogs. The singer called on the doc to help prevent the canines from having any sort of envy regarding her imminent twins.” The comments are even better. Check these two out:

Let’s see you have four established Jack Russell terriers in a household where two new babies are about to join. Since Jack Russell’s were originally used for fox hunting and can be quite aggressive I see nothing in getting help for the dogs to cope with the new additions to the household. Pet experts always recommend taking measures to ensure the dogs get acclimated to babies. If the dogs harmed the babies all the haters would be singing a different tune and questioning why Mariah didn’t do anything in advance to prepare the dogs for the babies’ arrival. 

And this doozy from the same dumbass: “Since Jack Russell’s were originally used for fox hunting and can be quite aggressive I see nothing WRONG in getting help for the dogs to cope with the new additions to the household”. Just remember that people like this flaming dumbshit vote. I’m just sayin’.

I’m sure that Mariah Carey is a very nice young lady and a kind hearted soul. And it’s her money so she can waste it any way she sees fit. But, if she’s worried about those damn dogs hurting her babies, she could, oh…I don’t know…give them away or something! I know that if I had a dog and it ever even looked like it was gonna hurt one of my kids, the fucking mongrel would be learning discipline courtesy of Messrs. Smith and Wesson. End of dog. End of story. No fuss, no muss. So, Mariah, save your money and find another good home for your dogs. I’m certain that you wouldn’t as quick as I am to introduce them to Mr. Smith and his buddy Mr.Wesson. But then, again, why would you do that? Dumbass.

 (Hat tip to Heather the Wife)