|Dumbass Christmas Gift|
We are barreling towards Christmas Day like Rosie O’Donnell rolling down a mountain side, so as your humble Dumbass Public Servant, I am here to day to publicly serve you. As long as my wife doesn’t find out. I feel obligated to bring you the latest information on the dumbass toys that could find their way into your home this Yuletide Season. I have lived a pretty good life and have been lucky enough, or cursed by Satan, depending on your point of view, to have spent many Christmases around kids. From those experiences I have gleaned knowledge about children’s gifts that the average person only wishes he had. For example, I have expertly deduced that getting a Tonka Toy dump truck for a young lad is a great thing. Giving the little
turd tyke Spiderman underwear, on the other hand, is a dumbass idea from hell. How do you expect a little boy to rollick around in a good dirt pile and dig holes in it with Spiderman drawers? Trust me on this one. Dumbass.
Now for the Girls
Girls are pretty easy to buy for when they are young like my two daughters, who are 4 and 9. Barbie dolls, fake make up that ain’t so fake when it ends up on the walls or carpet of your house and anything else that is girly.
There is an exception to this rule for girls, however. It is a doll with a name so long I ain’t gonna type it out so I’ll just call it The Doll. This particular doll can be found at a very well-known toy store whose name I won’t print either, but it rhymes with ‘Roy Tars Russ”, IYKWIMAITYD. On the outside The Doll, a talking doll, looks just like any of the four million other dolls on the market, it’s what’s on the inside that separates this doll from all others. Pulling the string to make The Doll talk provides quite a surprise. Instead of saying cutesie things like “I love you Mommy” and “Daddy Sucks”, The Doll says “You crazy bitch”. Dumbasses would say, “what’s the big deal?”. Daddy says that to Mommy all the time. Especially when he drinks the stuff out of the bottle with the black and white label with a “7” on it. Non-dumbasses would be horrified to hear such language coming from a little girl’s toy. However, Daddy calling Mommy a crazy bitch is quite the norm in non-dumbass families too!!. Why? Because so many non-dumbass women are crazy bitches, that’s why! But, I digress.
The simple way to handle this problem is to not buy the damn doll! How fucking hard to figure out can that be? At least the stoopid toy doesn’t invite the kid to cut off Daddy’s gazebos while he’s sleeping, as is the wont of non-dumbass crazy bitches everywhere. Now if it said ‘You crazy fucking bitch”, these dolls would fly off the shelf like there was no tomorrow. Why, there would be lines of dumbasses and non-dumbasses alike stretching from New York to LA waiting to get there hands on this potty mouthed marionette. Can you spell “collectible”? I’m just sayin’.
So, lighten up, Francis and find something else to buy the little girls in your life. Like a Malibu Ho Barbie. See? There are alternatives to those nasty mouthed crazy bitch dolls some people try to push on our children. At the very least, doll makers could come up with a doll that mimics real life and real life situations. Make the dolls say something like, “Take Daddy a beer and cook his dinner, you moron!” or “Your ass is so big you’re gonna need to get a Zip Code for it”. See what I mean? Just normal, everyday phrases found in homes all around this country. What good is a doll that teaches our little girls nothing but naughty words instead of phrases of wisdom that come straight from common sense? I just don’t get it…..but I’m sure some of you crazy bitches do. 🙂
|Mrs. Dumbass & Friends|
As you know, I live in Maine, which is very close to Canada. Nova Scotia is a Canadian Province in extreme eastern Canada. Since Maine is in the extreme eastern USA, it is a close neighbor to Nova Scotia. I just hope the wind doesn’t blow from east to west, because there are some seriously deranged individuals in Nova Scotia, and here in Maine, we don’t need any airborne foreign dumbass virus carried by the wind into this fine, if Yankee, state.
Case in point. Canadian dumbass Dave Hockey ( the perfect Canadian name, Hockey) lives in Nova Scotia with his wife and fourteen life-size dolls! Now ain’t that cozy? Good ole Dave even takes his dolls places like Niagra Falls, Stonehenge and the Grand Canyon. It may be just me, but does anyone else think that Dave’s an ice brick shy of an igloo? Oh, but wait! There’s more! Dave even takes his dolls sky diving, horseback riding and motorcycling. There’s a thousand one-liners waiting to be tossed in at this point of our story, and I’ll be damned if I can think of even one! I mean we’ve got dumbass, Hockey, puck, an almost endless list and I draw a blank! Hockey told the Daily Mirror, eh?, (all Canadian newspapers end in “eh”. It’s a national law or something, dave told the paper, “My wife understands it is a hobby. She isn’t threatened by the dolls. She knows I’m not going to run off with an 80-pound piece of silicone shaped like a woman,” Hockey said. Oh, hell no! Dave wouldn’t run off with an 80 pound piece of silicone, he just takes them around the world! Dave, you, dumbass, lay off the Molson’s, bro, it’s eating away at what gray matter you have left.
Dave and other dumbasses like him, Canadian or not, who like these life-size dolls are called iDollators and it just so happens that Dave is making a doll-cumentary (I just made up that word) about himself and the other jack wagons that “play” with these dolls. I’ve gotta say right here that I understand why Dave is making his little film. He has to recoup some of the cash he’s invested in these damn dolls. They cost as much as thirty-two hundred dollars EACH and it cost thousands more to “clothe” them. Dave insists that he is different from other iDollators, “Some iDollators prefer their dolls over a normal human relationship. But for me they’re just dolls,” he said. Lemmee get this straight. On the low end, he has spent over $14,000 on dolls and thousands more on clothes for them. Dave, I think that is just a little more than “they are just dolls”. Dumbass. Dave must be loaded with dough. that’s the only reason his wife stays with this idiot. Either that, or she’s a butt ugly dumbass, too. The mind boggles. Dumbasses.