Category: Domestic Violence

Mitt Romney’s Photo Drives Dumbass to Beat Girlfriend

I am a let and let live kind of guy. I couldn’t really care less what people in the privacy of their homes. Gay? Go pack the fudge. Bigamist? Have fun. But you are a Dumbass. Drugs? Shoot, snort, smoke, whatever til you puke or die, I don’t give a shit. As long as nobody is forced into participation, have at it. Having said all that, leave the kids and animals out of it. That’s where I draw the line and make sure the rope is short and the tree is tall. No kids. Period.

One more thing that people, mainly men, do behind closed doors that really chaps my ass is beat wimmin. I can’t abide by that at any time for any reason. Wanna be a tough guy? Come see me. We’ll “talk”. Pussy. Asshole. Coward. Again , I refer to the tall tree, short rope analogy above. End. Of. Story.

Reasons? 

What kills me is the reasons these Dumbasses give for hitting on wimmin. She talked to another guy. She looked at another guy. Supper was cold. Oh, yeah, Tough Guy? Cold is what you’ll soon be if you ever lay a hand on my wife or daughters.

Former “Tough Guy”; New Prison Bitch

Some Redneck Dumbass in Tennessee has a good one (Sarcasm Alert!) for punching out his live-in girlfriend – she is having an affair with Republican Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney. Really. She is. Dumbass saw Romney’s photo on his woman’s Facebook page. And it made him angry. Real angry. Angry enough to smack her in the chops with a closed fist.

Now this “affair” may come as news to Mitt Romney who’s as squeaky clean as a counter top wash with Pine Sol. Many of you may not like his views on the issues of the day, but the dude ain’t no philanderer. Hell. He’s a Mormon for Church of Jesus Christ – Latter Day Saints sake. Plus, he’s been married to his wife, Ann, for something like 38 gazillion years without a hint of an extra marital scandal.

So, for whatever “reason”, Ol’ Mitt made Butt Boy (the Redneck Dumbass) mad as hell. Now he should be scared as hell.

All Well That Ends in Hell

These days it looks like Lover Boy will spend a little time romancing the stones in the county lock up. Say what you can and will about prisoners, but, collectively, they hate a guy that beats on wimmin. When they find out what the Redneck Dumbass, Lowell Turpin of Knoxville is in for, his anal cavity will get tighter than a mosquito’s assholle stretch over a rain barrell. For a while.

I’d venture a guess that good ol’ Loweel never took that small detail into consideration before he belted hid old lady. No it’s time to pay the piper, L-Turp. Now you’ll find out exactly what having your dignity and self-worth taken away is all about, Choir Boy – soprano, of course. The German have a word in deriving guilty pleasure from the pain of others – schadenfreude. Well, Hoss, your schaden is a bout to be freued- ed.

Write home soon and tell the family that you are now a homo, you are gonna feel like one.

Have a nice day.

Dumbass.

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Lady Beats Hell Out of Cop Boyfriend – w/ Justin Bieber Doll!

Not So Tough

BEST OF DUMBASS NEWS

Today’s story involves a cop and is one of the weirdest yet to appear on Dumbass News.That’s saying a lot considering the fact that we’ve written about cops being attacked by sex toys, cops whose police cruiser has been pissed on and a little diddy about a cop who tasered a female cops ass, in the police station! No matter how much dumbassery those stories reek of, they do not compare to the stoopididity that awaits you in this beauty.

Domestic Disturbance

Domestic violence is, sad, all too common in the United States. Sometimes these incidents involve police officers. Let’s face it though, that being a cop has to be one of the toughest jobs in the world. These guys gotta be wound tighter than a Britney Spears alarm clock, even at home. That’s still no excuse to put your hands on a woman in a violent manner. That said, let’s move on.

Our cop in question today is a member of the Denver Police Department. Michael Nuanes got into an argument with his girlfriend when things got, as they say, out of control. There was the usual pushing and shoving and throwing things. As a result of this confrontation, Michael is filing suit against his gal pal for being mean to him and injuring him with thrown objects. Did I mention that the thrown object that “injured” Nuanes was a Justin Bieber doll? Yes! A Justin Bieber doll! Dude, Justin Bieber himself couldn’t hurt my 5 year old daughter, much less a trained police officer. Upon seeing Nuanes’ mug shot, I thought the guy played linebacker for the Green Bay Packers and he says he was injured, on the foot no less, by a Justin Bieber doll??!! Dude, you are a fucking crybaby.

Are You Kiddin’?

From the story on HuffPo: “According to an Adams County Sheriff’s Office affidavit via the Smoking Gun, “Nuanes stated that [his girlfriend] had thrown a ‘Barbie Doll’ at him, which bruised his foot and [said] that it hurt … Nuanes pointed out a ‘Justin Bieber’ doll, which was the item used to injure him.” He also said she “bit his finger and that it also hurt.” Well, hell, that makes a world of difference. She bit his finger too! Good Gawd Almighty! I wonder what would happen if this guy had to arrest a real criminal like, let’s say, a gang member or a murderer? Curl into the fetal position and start sucking his thumb? Oh, wait.. He’s already proved he’s a tough guy by beating on a woman. My bad. He wouldn’t curl up and suck his thumb. He’d shit his pants, then curl up and suck his thumb.

On second thought, I have seen Justin Bieber has been wearing leather lately and that, in and of itself is a pretty scary sight. The doll must have been leather clad as well.

I almost forgot! You wnnaa know why the disagreement between Nuanes and his girlfriend started in the first place? Wait. For. It. She had yet to change her Facebook status to “In a relationship”! Are. You. Fucking. Kiddin’? I can almost here the Liberal weenies out there calling for the Feds to clamp down on Facebook. “Ban the Relationship Status” on Facebook! “Facebook Hates Women!” The possibilities are endless for an enterprising Commie Pussy.

What I Think

Where do I begin? First, Michael Nuanes has no place in the Denver Police Department or any civil service positon. He’s a coward, a bully and a big pussy for laying his hands on a woman like that. Second, send the cocksucker prison and let him find out how fun it is to be slapped around by somebody bigger than he is. Third, while he’s in the Big House, send him a lifetime supply of Soap on a Rope. If he were to drop a regular bar of soap in the prison shower, the right to remain silent goes out the window.

Fuck Michael Nuanes.

Dumbass.

4

Cop Beat Up by Girfriend with a Justin Bieber Doll!

Beat Up by Justin Bieber Doll

Today’s story involves a cop and is one of the weirdest yet to appear on Dumbass News.That’s saying a lot considering the fact that we’ve written about cops being attacked by sex toys, cops whose police cruiser has been pissed on and a little diddy about a cop who tasered a female cops ass, in the police station! No matter how much dumbassery those stories reek of, they do not compare to the stoopididity that awaits you in this beauty.

Domestic Disturbance 

Domestic violence is, sad, all too common in the United States. Sometimes these incidents involve police officers. Let’s face it though, that being a cop has to be one of the toughest jobs in the world. These guys gotta be wound tighter than a Britney Spears alarm clock, even at home. That’s still no excuse to put your hands on a woman in a violent manner. That said, let’s move on.

Our cop in question today is a member of the Denver Police Department. Michael Nuanes got into an argument with his girlfriend when things got, as they say, out of control. There was the usual pushing and shoving and throwing things. As a result of this confrontation, Michael is filing suit against his gal pal for being mean to him and injuring him with thrown objects. Did I mention that the thrown object that “injured” Nuanes was a Justin Bieber doll? Yes! A Justin Bieber doll! Dude, Justin Bieber himself couldn’t hurt my 5 year old daughter, much less a trained police officer. Upon seeing Nuanes’ mug shot, I thought the guy played linebacker for the Green Bay Packers and he says he was injured, on the foot no less, by a Justin Bieber doll??!! Dude, you are a fucking crybaby.

Are You Kiddin’?

From the story on HuffPo: “According to an Adams County Sheriff’s Office affidavit via the Smoking Gun, “Nuanes stated that [his girlfriend] had thrown a ‘Barbie Doll’ at him, which bruised his foot and [said] that it hurt … Nuanes pointed out a ‘Justin Bieber’ doll, which was the item used to injure him.” He also said she “bit his finger and that it also hurt.” Well, hell, that makes a world of difference. She bit his finger too! Good Gawd Almighty! I wonder what would happen if this guy had to arrest a real criminal like, let’s say, a gang member or a murderer? Curl into the fetal position and start sucking his thumb? Oh, wait.. He’s already proved he’s a tough guy by beating on a woman. My bad. He wouldn’t curl up and suck his thumb. He’d shit his pants, then curl up and suck his thumb.

On second thought, I have seen Justin Bieber has been wearing leather lately and that, in and of itself is a pretty scary sight. The doll must have been leather clad as well.

I almost forgot! You wnnaa know why the disagreement between Nuanes and his girlfriend started in the first place? Wait. For. It. She had yet to change her Facebook status to “In a relationship”! Are. You. Fucking. Kiddin’? I can almost here the Liberal weenies out there calling for the Feds to clamp down on Facebook. “Ban the Relationship Status” on Facebook! “Facebook Hates Women!” The possibilities are endless for an enterprising Commie Pussy.

What I Think 

Where do I begin? First, Michael Nuanes has no place in the Denver Police Department or any civil service positon. He’s a coward, a bully and a big pussy for laying his hands on a woman like that. Second, send the cocksucker prison and let him find out how fun it is to be slapped around by somebody bigger than he is. Third, while he’s in the Big House, send him a lifetime supply of Soap on a Rope. If he were to drop a regular bar of soap in the prison shower, the right to remain silent goes out the window.

Fuck Michael Nuanes.

Dumbass.

Open Carry Permit for Deer Antlers? Could Be.

When they outlaw deer heads, only outlaws will have deer heads

 Dumbass News Flash!!! Bulletin!!! This a first for Dumbass News. And we have covered some really weird stuff. Remember the guy stuck on an island near the coast of California and doesn’t use his cell to call for help for five days!? Even though this is probably in the Top 5 All Time in terms of views, it ain’t got nothin’ on the  dumbasses you are about to encounter. I thought this piece on dwarf tossing was one the weirder posts I have written. This one still doesn’t rival what you are gonna learn right now.

The Argument

I know what your thinkin’, but that’s not a typo. I meant to write D-E-E-R. This is why: Terry is a guy in Zephyrhills, Florida (near Tampa) who, like many guys got into an argument with his girlfriend. But this disagreement took a turn for the Super Dumbass when the girlfriend, Chelsea, locked him out of the house. Terry got pissed off and tried to talk her into letting him in. She’d have rather slid down a giant razor blade on her ass into a vat of alcohol than let the dude in. Undeterred, Terry tried to remove a screen and climb through a window. Alas! Chelsea was waiting on the other side and slapped Terry down and called him “Shorty”. Terry, ever determined, thought for a moment and came up with a great idea. Go through the front door!

Deer Terry

What happened next puts this story at the top of the “Dumbass of the Year” race. The broad refused to let him in. Then Terry deemed it best to kick in the front door! He did and Chelsea was prepared for battle. Did she have a gun in order to protect herself? Nope. A butcher knife? Guess again. WARNING! Swallow all liquids right now! Chelsea the extremely mad girlfriend was ready to stand her ground against Terry with a mounted deer head! I. Am. Not. Kidding. When the dude made his way inside, the chick attacked him the antlers on the deer head! She gouged and stabbed and swashbuckled her way up one side of Terry and down the other until he looked Swiss cheese.

One More Thing



To add even more dumbassery to this story, Terry and Chelsea have a 3 year old little girl together. But wait there’s more! They live together even though they are actually broken up. They cohabitate for financial reasons, which I’m sure we all understand and for sake of the little girl. Living with ex for the sake of the kid? That’s just plum stoopid. That’s even more dumbass than before. Oh, did I mention that the little girl witnessed the whole incident? She did. Hell, next time the two shit stains fight like this, and it will happen again, maybe they should duel. The whole damn thing would be over in a matter of seconds. .44 Auto Mags at ten paces. One of them dies and the other one is locked up at the nearest Death Row facility. This will also save the little girl from the trauma of seeing all this bullshit take place all the damn time.

Furthermore, neither one of these blights on humanity will ever be able to procreate again! I just love it when a plan comes together.

This concludes your Dumbass News Flash. 

Dumbasses.