|1500 Pounds of Hunka Hunka Burnin’ Love|
I have traveled to 30 some odd states in The Fruited Plain and have each of them to have a special quality about itself – even Oklahoma (Hook ’em Horns!) From the breadth and depth and the geographic diversity of Texas to the deep blue waters of the Atlantic Coast of Maine, the United States is indeed blessed by God with incredible beauty. Our smallest state, Rhode Island, which isn’t even an island, has a landmark every American should see – a traffic signal. Such excitement! However, one the country’s most beautiful states, Utah, has never blessed my eyes with her natural wonders. I hope to change that next summer. Utah does, however, make itself known to me through a common bond that we share – dumbasses. Yes, even a conservative, mostly white guy, Mormon state has its share of dumbasses. Here’s what I mean:
Some guy in Utah named Zeke or some shit like that was hiking in a state park when he came upon a male and a female moose near the trail he was on. “Beautiful!”, Zeke (or some shit like that) thought. He was so excited he grabbed his cell phone and began to take photos and video of the encounter. Speaking of encounters, the moose weren’t where they were to exchange vegetarian cookie recipes. male and female moose are in the same location for reason and one reason alone – SEX. Mad Monkey Moose Sex. Propagation of the species and all that stuff. Did I mention that when a Bull Moose wants Mad Monkey Moose Sex, he finds it highly offensive that some some Mormon white guy interferes with the heavy duty moose boinking that lay ahead. In fact, he gets flat out PISSED OFF. Mr. Bull Moose, all 1500 pounds of him, gave Zeke a fake charge and went back to the Lady Moose for Mad Monkey Moose Sex. Zeke failed to heed the Bull Moose’s warning and kept on filming the “encounter”. Senor Bull Moose then proceeded to stomp a mud hole in Zeke, who is now known as the Mormon White Guy Dumbass, once again returning to the Lady Moose for their predestined mating ritual.
Other than having a fetish for watching Mad Monkey Moose Sex, I cannot for the life of me understand why Zeke just didn’t quietly leave the moose to Nature’s Call and continue on with his hike. The beer in Utah is only 3.2% good stuff, so the idea that Zeke was drunk ain’t gonna wash with me. He’s just an everyday Mormon White Guy Dumbass. Simple as that. But, I am still pissed that Zeke would defame and demean the magnificent home state of Robert Redford, Donnie and Marie and the Utah State cheerleaders.