Category: Dope Deal

911 Suicide Call Leads to 124 Pot Plants in Residence!

Latin Lettuce

I don’t mind sharing some aspects of my personal life with the Dumbass Horde. You’ve probably noticed that through some of the stuff I post on this very blog. I am gonna share something with you now, as a matter of fact.

I am mentally ill. Now you may be saying to yourself right now, “But, Fearless Leader, we already know that. A person would have to be clinically stoopid to write some of the shit you write.” And you would have a valid point.

But I am very serious here. I have been diagnosed with BiPolar Disorder, ADHD, PTSD, ABC123, STP and a shit load of other alphabetical mental illness stuff that I can’t even remember. However, that doesn’t mean that I am crazy. Goofy? Yes. Weird? Without a doubt. But a lunatic? Not yet.You’d never know that I am on the verge of insanity if you knew me. Unless you lived with me. Just ask my wife.

For many people with the same problems I have, suicide is a constant companion waiting in the wings for the OK to make an appearance. Luckily, I don’t have suicidal thoughts or tendencies that haunt me on a daily basis. Others in my situation do.

For instance, there’s this guy in Key Largo, Florida….

The Dumbass In Key Largo  

The Monroe County Sheriff’s Department got a call from a local resident about a possible suicide at a certain location. This is something that the law enforcement community takes very seriously. If somebody is disturbed enough to want to kill themselves, they may also be disturbed enough to kill others as well.

So the cops go to investigate.

Upon arrival at the scene of a potentially deadly situation, the police didn’t find a suicidal Dumbass, but a guy who probably wishes he was dead.

Splaination to follow.

Always Ask “Who’s There?”  

The Fuzz approaches the house, knocks on the door and someone from inside yells, “Come in!”.

The cop goes inside the place. There’s no one at the residence threatening Hari Kari, just some poor schlub cutting up a pot plant. One of 124 pot plants at the house! Surprise, Dumbass! It is my understanding that Key Largo is a pretty laid back place and the consumption of the Herb Superb is not that big a deal. I think, though, that having over a hundred pot plants growing inside your home is a big deal. Like do a long stretch at the Florida Institution for the Criminally Dumbass Big Deal. This is also not the Dumbass’ first run-in with the Law. He has previous convictions including check fraud, assault and battery and some drug charges (no kiddin’!) too.

The fact that the Dumbass, Joseph Ebeling of Key Largo, will be unavailable for a stretch of 5 to 10 compels me to make the following Public Service Announcement:

If you buy your pot from Joseph Ebeling of Key Largo, Florida, he will not be out of the loop for a few years, therefore you need to find another Dope Guy for all your marijuana needs. This concludes this PSA from the Dumbass News Network.

Jose, your all expense paid vacation awaits you. I wouldn’t, however, count on conducting a continuing criminal enterprise (at least selling weed) in or around Key Largo when and if you get cut loose from the Big House. Somebody has already taken your place.



Texting Dope Deals: New Dumbasses Are the Same as Old Dumbasses

Dial a Dumbass for a Dope Deal!

I have a personal interest in today’s dumbass story. Why? Because the same damn thing happened to me almost a year ago. It involves cell phones and texting, both of which are flies in the soup of life. You’ve surely heard the old saying that Ruth is stranger than friction. Oh, wait! That’s a line from Green Acres! my bad. The saying is ‘truth is stranger than fiction”. It is, too.

Here’s the deal: Early this year, I got Heather and me new cell phones at Radio Shack. We had them only a few days, when I started getting texts messages from some kind of cell phone chat line, U-Haul and someone else. These texts were not meant for me as they were all addressed to a dumbass named Shawn. I was “lucky” enough to get Shawn’s old cell phone number. Shawn the dumbass was evidently in arrears on his U-Haul storage unit and he liked to participate on this chat line thing. I’m fairly certain that I am not the only one this has happened to when getting a new cell phone. It’s just that the places the texts come from will be different. But, there was one text that stood head and shoulders above the rest.

I don’t remember the exact texting lingo that was used, but it, in essence, said, ‘Come on over. I have the dope and it’s some good shit. And we’ve got lots of it.” I thought to myself that having this text on my cell phone record might not be a very good thing. Long story short, I called the cops they were very familiar with Shawn, so they took all the info they needed and left. To this day, I have heard nothing else about this incident. But, I’d be willing to bet that Shawn is not a happy dumbass at this moment.

I bored you with the story above because another dumbass has repeated what the dumbass dope dealer did to me. Except the new dumbass texted that he had some hashish for sale. The text ended up on the cell phone of a 10 year old boy! Not just any ordinary 10 year old boy either. This 10 year old boy was the grandson of a State Trooper! The dumbass dope dealer looks to be in a heap of trouble. And it was just a matter of time before he got busted. The cops contacted the dumbass drug dealer and arranged to buy some hash from him at a certain time and a certain place. Dumbass showed up for the deal, but no buyers did, so the dumbass went home, the cops followed him and the rest is Prison Bitch History. No matter how many times I see stories like this, just when you think this is the last time I’ll see this kind of stupid shit, here comes another member of the Prison Bitch To Be Gene Pool to amaze me yet again. Dumbass.