|The Dumbass Horde Battle Flag – Never Surrender!|
This was one weird ass week at Dumbass News. Things just seemed about a half a second out of sync with real time. Was it only me who felt that way?
Other than being one step short of a Texas Two Step, this week was indeed quite different from your “normal” week at Dumbass News. bwahahahahahahahahahaha! I just made a funny! I used the words “normal” and Dumbass News in the same sentence! har har har! And it’s now stuck in the ether forever! GUFFAW!!!
Sorry, I lost my mind just for a moment.
That’s normal for me.
THIS WEEK’S DUMBASSERY
The week started off innocently enough with a simple, heartfelt Happy Mothers Day from me, Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde. Then was the story of some Dumbass down in Texas trying to
rob a Police Station! The stoopid fuck is lucky that once the cops stopped laughing at him that they didn’t have an “accidental” shooting in which he was the shoot-ee, or as the Cops in Texas called guys like this, “Target Practice”.
Then was a Grammy-deserving performance by a guy busted for DUI. His stage was the back seat of a Police Cruiser! Dumbass News has video.
THEN THINGS GOT STRANGE
See what I mean? Nothing out of the ordinary…until I posted THIS Guest Post from a Canuckistani code named “Drive Thru Guy”. DTG is a new blogger, about a month and a half into his blogging career and he has already garnered quite a following, so I thought that it would be nice and neighborly to
steal some of his readers invite him to do a Guest Post on Dumbass News. The young man is a good writer and I was hoping to, as was done for me by some veteran bloggers when I first started writing about Dumbasses, steer some of you to his blog, lifeinthedrivethru. This was a popular post. Very popular.
Then it hit me like a ton of bricks!
Drive Thru Guy had sent his minions to my blog, Dumbass News, in order to overthrow me, the Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde! Treason! Sedition, I tell you! The situation was so dire that I almost declared Blogging Martial Law. It wasn’t a pretty sight.
So, I wrote down my thoughts on being the victim of a coup d’ blog. It was the most chilling moment of my blogging “career”.
But DTG is Canadian, which is close to being Fwench, so the only weapon he brought to a Blog Fight was a white surrender flag.
I MADE THAT PART UP
But seriously, folks….It was a great pleasure (and worth a few extra page views, hahahahahaha) to have Drive Thru Guy share his view of the Dumbasses he sees every day while simply doing his job manning the drive thru window at a fast food joint in Eastern Canadia. I’m tellin’ you that hungry Dumbasses are mother fuckers. Just ask DTG.
Anyway, thanks to Drive Thru Guy and his readers, some of whom who actually came back for more Dumbass News after reading his Guest Post, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that his customers, like mine, are nothing more than a blithering, slobbering, knuckle dragging horde of people I am happy to Fearlessly Lead.
|I’ll Find You, Drive Thru Guy!|
Dumbass News News: Yesterday’s guest post from Drive Thru Guy from lifeinthedrivethru was a smash hit with the Dumbass Horde! After such an explosive Dumbass Debut, I think DTG now has his sights set on becoming your next Fearless Leader! He’s drunk on power! Drunk, I tell you! It was such a big deal that I shall now have to have Drive Thru Guy tracked down like a wild animal (he IS Canadian, so I repeat myself) and summarily de-gazebo’ed on sight! I have placed a bounty of nearly $1.98 American on those gazebos and I will not sleep until they have been dispatched! Upon said de-gazebo-ing, I shall have his newly-removed huevos (a little Meskin lingo there) wrapped in frozen polar bear shit and sent to the Penis Museum in Iceland! I. Ain’t. Kiddin’. There really is a Dicks on Display Place in Iceland – just hit the link back <—-there. I will not divulge DTG’s exact location, except to the De-Gazebo-ing Mercenaries, but I will say that he lives in an Eastern Canuckistani Province close enough to Iceland that it will exponentially simplify the gazebo-shipping process.
If you pass through Drive Thru Guys window, DO NOT attempt to de-gazebo him yourself. This is a job for well-trained de-gazebo-ers. I would feel responsible for any injuries you might incur while trying to knife DTG’s nutsack. He is armed with a Top Secret Drive Thru Headset© that has more concealed weapons than Saddam Hussein, and is considered to be dangerous! Moreover, if you push Drive Thru Guy too far, he will spit in your food! He is a vicious, evil, maniacal fiend bent on overthrowing your Peace Loving Benevolent Fearless Leader and hocking a loogie (or as he calls it, “Secret Sauce”) onto your fries!
It is true that DTG’s guest post was a well received by the Dumbass Horde and I was glad to have DTG share his wisdom with the not only the Dumbass Horde, but with the rest of humanity. His insight into the horrors of dealing with hungry Dumbasses at the Drive Thru should be a reminder to us all that….that….uh…er….I don’t the fuck know! But it should remind us of something!
Super size THAT!
|Guillermo, Taco Bell Employee of the Month, May, 2012|
Writing a new Dumbass News post for a Saturday morning is something I do only when something good comes along or it is necessary to the plot. Today’s rare Sabbath Day foray into the World of Dumbassery is, believe it or not, both something good and necessary to the plot.
Please allow me to further edify the Dumbass Horde. For those of you who went to Public Schools, meaning those of you who went to Public Schools and didn’t stay past the third grade, to “further edify” means “Let me splain.” I specifically mention the drooling products of our Public Education System (read: Liberal Pussy Gubmint-run Indoctrination Facilities) because any Dumbass who attended a private or parochial school and doesn’t understand the meaning of the word “edify” either didn’t pay attention in class or is just too damn stoopid to do anything on his own. With the obvious exception of breathing. Even though breathing, however, requires no conscious effort because it is what educators call an “involuntary reflex”. “Involuntary reflex” can best be defined as “even the stoopidest of Dumbasses can do it without having to think about it.” Kind of like the Federal Gubmint at work.
Good and Necessary to the Plot
Today’s subject matter is good for the simple fact that it contains the most essential element needed in order to write a Dumbass News post. That of course would be a Dumbass. Our story is further enhanced by the added fact that it takes place at a Taco Bell. Any tale that includes a Dumbass and a Taco Bell is what baseball aficionados would say is “in our wheel house”. Plus, today is Stinko de Mayo!
Plus, today is
Stinko Cinco de Mayo! There’s nothing more authentic than celebrating Meskin Independence Day with a shit load of Authentic Meskin Food from your local Taco Bell!
Except for two things.
- As much as it pains me to reveal this to you, Taco Bell, despite popular stoned young people opinion, is NOT authentic Meskin Food.
- And Cinco de Mayo is not a big holiday in Mexico nor is it Meskin Independence Day. I am not gonna go into it here, but trust me on this one, amigos. Meskin Independence Day is the same day as my birthday, September 16th.
- Cinco de Mayo is a stroke of marketing genius by some pale skinned gringo who couldn’t spell “taco” if you spotted him the “t”, “c” and “o”. And all you stoopid white people fell for it! bwahahahahahaha
The “necessary to the plot” means because I say it is so. That’s that.
I must admit at this point that, unlike most days when the simple acts of ridiculing and demeaning some poor schlub would bring me great joy (and a few page hits), I have a hidden agenda that I feel compelled to share with you regarding this
waste of time and pixels, story. A confession, if you will. BTW, hidden agendas and confessions are also good for a few extra clicks. I am after all, not just a brilliant and ahead-of-my-time Dumbass satirist, I am above all, a capitalist. It’s all about the cheese, baby.
Speaking of Cheese (A Confession)
The actual confession I have to offer you isn’t earth-shattering at all. by coaxing you into reading further into the story, I used what we literary geniuses call a “hook”. You took the metaphorical bait and I set the “hook”. Got it? Now keep reading, Dumbass.
Upon reading about the Dumbass and Taco Bell, I immediately thought of a new Blog friend of mine – Drive Thru Guy. DTG, as his very close blog friends call him, has been blogging for only a few weeks and already has quite a following. Aside from his family, his other two readers are very excited about the possibilities for blogging success for DTG and his soap box. Oh, yeah. We also call him DTG because it gets real old real quick typing “Drive Thru Guy” over and over again. In addition to that, “DTG” has a feel of familiarity and friendship to it, don’t you think? ‘the handle “DTH” has stuck for another very good reason – we don’t know DTG’s real name! I do know that he lives in an Eastern Canadian Province and works in the Fast Food Industry. Hence “Drive Thru Guy”. It may be best that we don’t know DTG’s given name anyway. It’s prolly some “manly” Canuckistanian name like “Ian” or “Pierre”or “Eh”. Gimme a fucking break, I am sticking with” DTG”.
“IanPierreEh”, Drive Thru Guy, this post is for you, mon ami. <—A little Canuckistanian lingo there.
The Dumbass and the Run for the Border Order
What started off as a “normal” day at a Gainesville, Florida Taco Bell ended up being a day for the record books. the Police Record Books.
Suresh Chapman, a manly Canuckistanian name if I ever heard one (and I have never heard one), like many residents of this town that is home to the University of Florida, was felling the effects of having smoked a blunt, so he reflexively thought outside the bun and made a run for the border. There’s something about a blunt, manually assembled with the finest Colombian “tobacco,” that screams Taco Bell. So I am told. coughbullshitcough
So Suresh the Guy with the Manly Canuckistanian Name went to Taco Bell, ordered 37 Burrito Supremes but only 31of them were to have been made with sour cream on them! Keep in mind that Suresh, he of the manly Canuckistanian name, was stoned out of his mind when he placed the order, so I would venture a guess that he forgot to tell the Taco Bell Guy, or TBG, that he wanted sour cream on only 31 of his 37 Burrito Supremes. For clarity, I am only taking an educated guess at the size and scope of Suresh’s order, but I
know for a fact have been told that some good Colombian reefer will turn you into Kelvinator Garbage (meaning Taco Bell food) Disposal in a rather timely manner.
Suresh Has a Complaint
Anyway, Suresh’s order was somehow not to his liking when he got it and he proceeded to throw a fit like a stoned 3 year old when he discovered such. His temper tantrum eventually got to the point where he threw his soda (no word on whether it was upgraded to the “Sombrero Size”) all over one of the restaurant’s cash registers! I am no electronics wizard, but I do know that liquid and electronics do not make good playmates. In this case, they were “not good playmates” to the tune of $2500 damage to the register and $3000 lost revenue for Taco Bell. This is what Florida Department of Justice and Punishers of Dumbasses officials call a “felony”.
Adding a packet of Taco Bell Super Red Hot, Especially for Guys With Manly Canuckistanian Names Taco sauce to Suresh’s already gaping wounds is a little matter of probation. You see, Suresh is currently on probation for a 2011 conviction in a child abuse case! He was promptly arrested and is being held without bail.
Let me get this straight. This asswipe that is breathing decent peoples’ air is on probation for a child abuse CONVICTION and is running around Gainesville, Florida as free as Gubmint cheese and he is held without bail for pouring a soda on a cash register! What. The. Fuck?! This is reason enough to de-gazebo the Boil on the Ass Humanity Judge who put this loser on probation in the first place. But that’s another story for another day.
May I Take Your Order?
I know that somewhere in an Eastern Canadian Province, in an igloo sitting by a warm fire with his pet moose Fido, eating polar bear cub pot pie, Drive Thru Guy has a tear in his eye and compassion in his heart for his comrades in arms at this Taco Bell 2000 miles away in Gainesville, Florida.
Who am I trying to kid??!!! DTG is, as we speak, laughing his frozen tundra of an ass off and thinking how easy the pussies at this particular Taco Bell have it in comparison to what he puts up with on a daily basis. That’s what his blog is all about – dealing with Canuckistani guys with names like Jean or Michele. Hell, if I had a “Manly Canuckistanian Name” like Jean or Michele, I’d be pissed off at the world too. Now you understand what kind of people Drive Thru Guy has to tolerate every day.
I almost feel sorry for him.