Category: Drugs

Traffic Stop Yields Drugs in Guy’s Prosthetic Leg and in Lady’s Hiney!

When it comes to stories about what lengths drug users and dealers go to to hide their stash, we’ve had some humdingers here on Dumbass News. A cursory search of the blog archives turns up several examples of the innovative methods tweakers employ when smuggling or simply concealing their narcotics:

  • A Nigerian guy living in Brazil planned for his retirement by sending nearly six pounds of cocaine to his native land in roasted chickens!
  • A couple of stoopid bitches were doin’ a solid for a boyfriend by trafficking more than a kilo of coke in their hair weaves! 
  • Fake boobs aren’t just for beauty pageant contestants and strippers any more. A Panamanian lady attempted to haul three pounds of blow into Barcelona in her breast implants! 
  • Not to be outdone, a guy named Dave was busted for having a mobile meth lab in his underwear!

These Dumbasses are pikers compared to the group of jizzwhistlers (thanks @ToddKincannon !) you will learn about today.

Brake Lights Ain’t All That Are Busted

Up the Ass & In the Leg

Four fine young Dumbasses were driving around in Charlotte County, Florida, minding their own bidness when a mean ole Charlotte County Sheriff’s Deputy pulled them over because the brake lights on their tan Hyundai were not working.

As per Standard Long Arm of the Law Operating Procedure, upon approaching the occupants of the
automobile, Deputy Dawg asked all four of the idjits in the car if they were in possession of guns, swords, stash, contraband or nuke-u-lar weapons. All four responded “negatory” and granted the cop permission to search the car.

This is OK if you have nothing to hide, but if you are holding illegal narcotics on your person, this can quickly, as they say, turn around and bite you in the ass. Such was the case when the Law asked one of the passengers if he had any drugs hidden in his prosthetic leg. He did.

It was at this point of the investigation that the fun began. If you were the Cops. The four suspects? Not so much.

Here a Drug, There a Drug, Everywhere a Drug Drug

Now the Fuzz has the right to really start a serious examination of not only the car, but the Four Dumbasses as well. 

The driver of the car, a woman, was found to be concealing a bag of some nasty shit (morphine and hydromorphine) in her bra. She also confessed to having a hydromorhine pill in her wallet laying on the front seat of the car. At this time, she performed the Old Fake-a-rooni Evasive Maneuver on the Deputy, raced over to her wallet, quickly grab said pill and swallowed it!

During a further inspection of the car, the cops found some other shit, including some hypodermic needles.

Then it happened.

The lady ‘fessed up and admitted that she had one more hypo hidden on her person.

In. Her. Ass.

Now, I’m not a user of illegal drugs, but if I were, and I learned that the needle I was about to use to main line some morphine had been hidden in some chick’s asshole, it is at this exact moment that I would become an ex-illegal drug user. Pronto. “Tainted” narcotics (see what I did there?) be damned.

It won’t be long now that the young lady’s ass will be used for more than concealing hypodermic needles. See: Lezbeans in Prison movies.

Dumbasses.

***Hat Tip Sun Sentinel and HuffPo***
***Photo From SunSentinel*** 

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Texting: Dumbass Drug Dealers’ Tool of Choice

Lookin’ Out My Front Door

As I sit here writing this, a blizzard rages outside. Check out the photo at the right. I took it at 8:00AM EST. And just think we’ve only got about eight more hours of this! 

Damn, I miss Texas.

I have a confession to make. I am a Gizmo-holic. Yes, I have traveled the rough and treacherous technological road to Gizmo-holism. I love gizmos and gadgets. Desktop computers, laptop computers, iPads, GPS and all the cool little gizmo enhancers that go with them. I do not yet own all these electronic wonders. I will soon, though. Count on it.

I do have a problem, however, with cell phones. While in many instances cell phones prove to be life savers and just plain old handy. But, I do not like them very much. One of the most popular features of today’s cell phones is the ability to text a friend or family member. I am still trying to figure out why you would text someone when right there in your greedy capitalist pig hand is a $500 cell phone – a cell phone hundreds of times more powerful than the first computers! A phone to me means a phone call! Fuck texting. Use the damn phone for what it is made for –  making phone calls! Do I have to teach you dumbasses everything? Good Gawd, y’all.

Now, having said all that shit, I have written a few posts on dumbasses with cell phones who end up, shall we say, fucked. To see what I mean look here and here, and you’ll find dumbasses and their cell phones are not a particularly good combination. Well, guess what? I have come across another dumbass-with-a-cell-phone texting instead of making a phone call story. Go figger.

There’s this chick named Amy who like millions of other Americans has a cell phone. And like millions of other Americans she texts her friends, family and business associates. Of course, by “business associates”, I mean people to sell narcotics to. In a situation like this, texting is a real dumbfuck thing to do, but, being a mental midget, Amy texts her customers to meet her at Place A to pick up some stash. What Amy forgets is that if you text your “come buy drugs from me” message to the wrong number, the text is still there for the receiving party to read. A text of this nature in the “wrong” hands could be bad news for Amy. And it was. She sent her text meassage to a cop! Well, the cop’s face lit up like a fat kid at Chuck E. Cheese when he saw the text. Long story short, Amy got busted and now shares a cell (<— I made a funny) at the State Hilton with Marlene “Butch” Abernathy, the 3 Time defending Toughest Lesbian in the State Hilton award winner. Amy can look forward to fun and games with the other “girls” and probably write a book and go on Dr. Phil and become a millionaire ex-con bimbo. or a Cinemax at Night soft porn star recounting her days as a sex toy to a 6’3″ Lesbian in State Prison. Sick ain’t it?

I am jealous.

Dumbass.

New Drug Smuggling Device: Breast Implants!

Illicit drugs are bad ju ju. Buying them is wasteful, using them is stoopid and selling them is criminal at best.

No matter, because selling dope is a lucrative bidness and where there’s a shit load of easy money to be made and demand for a product, illegal or not, there’s a Dumbass willing to take a chance. And when it comes to dealing in narcotics, the bad guys are lined up around the block waiting for a chance at The Big Score.

Where There’s a Will, There’s a Way

Recently, I wrote about a pair of Dumbass of the Year candidates who were busted while smuggling cocaine in their hair weaves! Not to be outdone, there was another Darwin Award-worthy numb skull who was caught shipping coke (and I don’t mean cola) inside of roasted chickens! Brilliant, but not good enough to fool the Law as evidenced by the lengthy prison sentences these dip shits are serving.

Despite the never ending set backs, dope dealers are constantly trying to figure out ways to outsmart Law Enforcement to distribute their drugs to an ever-growing clientele without getting caught.

That’s where today’s story picks up.

Breast Enhancement

A few days ago, a Panamanian Lady was arrested in Barcelona, Spain for transporting three pounds of cocaine into the country – in her tits! Ingenious! The Old Blow in the Boobs Trick!

“But, Fearless Leader”, you inquire, “what’s so unique about smuggling nose candy inside of a bra?” I did not say the Nice Panamanian Lady By Way of Bogota, Colombia had the coke hidden in her over the shoulder boulder holder, I said she had it hidden in her knockers! Literally. (Thanks, Joe Biden! Literally.)

Fake Boobs, Real Cocaine

Spanish authorities say they have arrested a Panamanian woman arriving at Barcelona airport with 3 pounds of cocaine concealed in breast implants.
The Interior Ministry said Wednesday that border police noticed fresh scars and blood-stained gauze on her chest as well as pale patches beneath her skin.
The woman said she had recently had breast implant surgery. The statement said police were suspicious and sent her to a local hospital where the implants were removed and found to contain cocaine. 

Automatic Dumbass of the Year Nomination!

This has got to be the most diabolically canny methods of drug smuggling in the History of Transporting Contraband. Whoever came up with this idea deserves the Pablo Escobar Murderous Narco-Trafficker Memorial Award for originality and the second best use of boobs ever.

While we’ve had some doozies over the course of 2012, this story leaps into contention for the coveted Fred G. Sanford “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Award. Could it be a double? The Pablo AND the Dummy? An award for each tit? A Booby Prize?

Time will tell.

Dumbass.

***Hat tip to Fox News***

Selling Drugs Via Texting…To a Cop!

Best of Dumbass News

I have a confession to make. I am a Gizmo-holic. Yes, I have traveled the rough and treacherous technological road to Gizmo-holism. I love gizmos and gadgets. desktop computers, laptop computers, iPads, GPS and all the cool little gizmo enhancers that go with them. I do not yet own all these electronic wonders. I will soon, though. Count on it.

I do have a problem, however, with cell phones. While in many instances cell phones prove to be life savers and just plain old handy. But, I do not like them very much. One of the most popular features of today’s cell phones is the ability to text a friend or family member. I am still trying to figure out why you would text someone when right there in your greedy capitalist pig hand is a $500 cell phone – a cell phone hundreds of times more powerful than the first computers! A phone to me means a phone call! Fuck texting. Use the damn phone for what it is made for –  making phone calls! Do I have to teach you dumbasses everything? Good Gawd, y’all.

Now, having said all that shit, I have written a few posts on dumbasses with cell phones who end up, shall we say, fucked. To see what I mean look here and here, and you’ll find dumbasses and their cell phones are not a particularly good combination. Well, guess what? I have come across another dumbass-with-a-cell-phone texting instead of making a phone call story. Go figger.

There’s this chick named Amy who like millions of other Americans has a cell phone. And like millions of other Americans she texts her friends, family and business associates. Of course, by “business associates”, I mean people to sell narcotics to. In a situation like this, texting is a real dumbfuck thing to do, but, being a mental midget, Amy texts her customers to meet her at Place A to pick up some stash. What Amy forgets is that if you text your “come buy drugs from me” message to the wrong number, the text is still there for the receiving party to read. A text of this nature in the “wrong” hands could be bad news for Amy. And it was. She sent her text meassage to a cop! Well, the cop’s face lit up like a fat kid at Chuck E. Cheese when he saw the text. Long story short, Amy got busted and now shares a cell (<— I made a funny) at the State Hilton with Marlene “Butch” Abernathy, the 3 Time defending Toughest Lesbian in the State Hilton award winner. Amy can look forward to fun and games with the other “girls” and probably write a book and go on Dr. Phil and become a millionaire ex-con bimbo. or a Cinemax at Night soft porn star recounting her days as a sex toy to a 6’3″ Lesbian in State Prison. Sick ain’t it? I am jealous.

Dumbass.

Group Sex, Drugs & the SWAT Team!

Oh, boy! Another threesome gone bad story! With a twist. Or two.

I find that marriage, even in the best of times, is quite a challenge. One man, one woman. Ain’t that enough? Evidently not.

At least not for a Zephyrhills, Florida couple.

Here’s the deal:

The Deal

Luck to Still Have Gazebos

Mindi and David Hill are both 29 years old and married. To each other. However, they have a 24 year old lady friend is who very close to them. Or should I say used to be very close to them. She was a close enough friend to have been invited to join them in a menage a three. OK, you male Dumbasses, put your tongues back in your mouths, I am about to bust your bubble.

So Dave. Mindi and the friend, we’ll call her Susie, all get nekkid and bump uglies. They also shot themselves up with prescription drugs. This is very bad joo joo. Especially when there are firearms involved. Did I not mention that this threesome of freaked out fornicators also had a pistol handy? They did.

After getting smashed then doing the Dirty Deed all together, the three Dumbasses passed out. Mindi woke up to David trying to “get some” from Susie and it pissed Mindi off – because she was not in on the orgy! The mere fact that her husband was schtooping some other slut right in front of her eyes was not Mindi’s main concern. Her main bitch was the fact that she was not in on the action!

Then the real fun started.

Extracurricular Action

Having been left out of the group grope, Mindi did what any spurned whore would do under the circumstances – she grabbed a pistol. She then threatened to shoot Susie and to add an exclamation point to her argument, Mindi fired off a round from the pistol into the ceiling! Dave took exception to Minid’s lack of decorum with their concubine and immediately sprang to his feet grabbed Mindi by the check with his best WWE choke hold, snagged the gun from her and for added emphasis, with the gun very near Mindi’s skull, squeezed of  a shot into the wall and said to Mindi, and I am quoting here, “Bitch, I’ll fucking kill you!”

This series of events alarmed Susie who quickly escaped and called the cops.

More Family Fun!

I am not making this up. As evidence I offer you part of the report from the Tampa Bay Times, “The husband and wife refused to come outside, so the SWAT team assembled.
The standoff lasted two hours. The couple eventually came outside voluntarily, but Mr. Rice fought with deputies who shocked him with a Taser. He ran back inside, barricading doors, but was persuaded to give up by negotiators.
The couple remained in jail Thursday, charged with aggravated assault.
Mr. Rice was also charged with obstructing officers and held without bail. He was supposed to be in court for a trial Sept. 4 to face charges of burglary, grand theft and possession of oxycodone, court records state.
Mrs. Rice, held in lieu of $5,000 bail, was sentenced in June to two years of felony probation for credit card fraud, according to the Florida Department of Corrections. Authorities said she stole the credit card in 2011 so she could bail her husband out of jail” 

A Lesson for Dumbasses of the Male Persuasion

It is abundantly clear that the old adage “a man can’t stock two shelves” comes into play here. Guys, no matter how much you’d like to “enhance your marriage”, meaning “screw your neighbor lady”, this is what happens when you attempt to mess with the Natural Order of Things. Just when you think, “All right! I’ll finally get to bag Cindy from next door”, your wife will, because that what wives do, get insanely jealous of your tryste with Cindy and want to a) shoot your philandering ass or b) give you a rusty butter knife gazebo-ectomy. Pick your poison, if you must.

Fellow Male Dumbasses, I tell you this with love, concern for the well-being of gazebos everywhere and the purest of dumbassery in my heart.

Stay away from threesomes. Or at least hide the pistol.

Dumbasses.

73 Year Old Granny Saves Nest Egg…By Selling Pot!

Retirement Planner

Many cultists in members of the Dumbass Horde, myself included, have reached a point in life where our Sunset Years are not that many sunsets away.

I, personally, am very close to needing to turn on the porch light in order to see through the dusk. My constant companion, Artur Itis, has, however, been kind enough to supply me with one of those curly-q CFL porch lights. How magnanimous of him.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I am looking for something, someone to give me hope and inspiration as I transition from Middle Aged Curmudgeon to Full Blown Old Fart. I am ecstatic to tell you, my Beloved Dumbass Horde, that I have found my Seasoned Citizen Guru in, of all places, Oklahoma.

Darlene Mayes, Granny Role Model

Darlene is special. At age 73 she is an entrepreneur who has struck it rich in her chosen endeavor. Her business encompasses several states including Oklahoma, Arkansas, Missouri, and Kansas. As a matter of fact, Granny’s bidness supplies a full forty per cent of her product to this region.

Unfortunately, Darlene’s bidness ran into a major roadblock recently and was forced to unexpectedly shut down. Tax problems? Nope. The bad economy? Her product is basically recession-proof, so that ain’t the deal. The culprit in bringing Darlene’s to a screeching halt was the Oklahoma Bureau of Narcotics!

Let me splain.

The Herb Superb

You see, Granny Mayes’ wasn’t selling hand knitted quilts or Afghans or even crocheted doilies for Chrissake. She was selling POT! Latin Lettuce! Mari-fucking-juana! She was what the law enforcement community calls a Drug Kingpin. I. Shit. You. Not. This sweet, innocent looking Little Old Lady was responsible for selling millions of dollars and thousands of pounds of weed in at least four states!
  

When Darlene and her “bidness associates” were busted by the Law, she was in possession of four pounds of pot, a semi-auto pistol and a revolver. Not to mention $276,000 in cash! one her her pot dealers was her son who was popped with several thousand dollars in cash and two LBs (pounds) of potential Manually Assembled Relaxation Devices (joints, fatties, Meskin Marlboros, etc.).

According to the HuffHuffPassPass Post, when the heat went into Darlene’s house “cops found the supply in her bedroom, which reeked of weed. A vacuum-sealed bag full of the stuff was found in the closet, and bundles of bills labeled “$15,000″ were found under her box spring. They found a pipe and another bag of weed in the bathroom, and a total of $200,000 in more vacuum-sealed bags in a guest room where Mayes’ grandchildren reportedly slept.”

Darlene feigned surprise and reportedly told the Narcs that all the cheese (cash, for those of you in Kansas) they discovered in her house was “for my retirement”. Now that, Dumbasses and Dumbassettes is what is called planning for the future. Except for one thing. All that money was confiscated and remanded to the Oklahoma Bureau of Narcotics Donuts for a Rainy Day Fund, so Darlene won’t see one red cent of it.

She will, however, see the Sun set on her Sunset Years from a lovely cell in a Federal Penitentiary somewhere in the Midwest.

Wasted…such promise, such bidness acumen, such such…

…a Dumbass.



Bimbo Texts About Drugs for Sale – To a Cop!

Not Intended for Dumbass Use

I have a confession to make. I am a Gizmo-holic. Yes, I have traveled the rough and treacherous technological road to Gizmo-holism. I love gizmos and gadgets. desktop computers, laptop computers, iPads, GPS and all the cool little gizmo enhancers that go with them. I do not yet own all these electronic wonders. I will soon, though. Count on it.

I do have a problem, however, with cell phones. While in many instances cell phones prove to be life savers and just plain old handy. But, I do not like them very much. One of the most popular features of today’s cell phones is the ability to text a friend or family member. I am still trying to figure out why you would text someone when right there in your greedy capitalist pig hand is a $500 cell phone – a cell phone hundreds of times more powerful than the first computers! A phone to me means a phone call! Fuck texting. Use the damn phone for what it is made for –  making phone calls! Do I have to teach you dumbasses everything? Good Gawd, y’all.

Now, having said all that shit, I have written a few posts on dumbasses with cell phones who end up, shall we say, fucked. To see what I mean look here and here, and you’ll find dumbasses and their cell phones are not a particularly good combination. Well, guess what? I have come across another dumbass-with-a-cell-phone texting instead of making a phone call story. Go figger.

There’s this chick named Amy who like millions of other Americans has a cell phone. And like millions of other Americans she texts her friends, family and business associates. Of course, by “business associates”, I mean people to sell narcotics to. In a situation like this, texting is a real dumbfuck thing to do, but, being a mental midget, Amy texts her customers to meet her at Place A to pick up some stash. What Amy forgets is that if you text your “come buy drugs from me” message to the wrong number, the text is still there for the receiving party to read. A text of this nature in the “wrong” hands could be bad news for Amy. And it was. She sent her text meassage to a cop! Well, the cop’s face lit up like a fat kid at Chuck E. Cheese when he saw the text. Long story short, Amy got busted and now shares a cell (<— I made a funny) at the State Hilton with Marlene “Butch” Abernathy, the 3 Time defending Toughest Lesbian in the State Hilton award winner. Amy can look forward to fun and games with the other “girls” and probably write a book and go on Dr. Phil and become a millionaire ex-con bimbo. or a Cinemax at Night soft porn star recounting her days as a sex toy to a 6’3″ Lesbian in State Prison. Sick ain’t it? I am jealous.

Dumbass.