Category: Duct Tape

Need an Excuse for Being Gone for 2 Weeks? Fake Your Own Kidnapping!

Kidnappers’ Tool of Choice

A terrible thing happened to Rahmell Pettway.

He was kidnapped.

Last Thursday passersby found Rahmell sitting between two parked cars on the streets of New York City. His mouth, legs and hands were bound by duct tape and he complained of pain in his ribs.

The Police were notified and Rahmell told them the tale of his abduction. He told the cops that two guys in a blue minivan had kidnapped him and held him for two terrifying weeks moving him from place to place around the Big Apple.

However, NYC’s Finest soon became skeptical of Pettway’s story. With good reason.When The Law found Rahmell, a roll of duct tape was still dangling from his wrist!

A confession to this fakery soon followed.

Why would Rahmell go to such extraordinary lengths and concoct such an elaborate hoax?

He didn’t want to tell his girlfriend why he was gone for those two weeks! He was afraid that she’d kick his ass! Of course we all know that faking our own kidnapping is a sure fire way to avoid an ass-kickin’ from our sweetheart.

I know that Mrs. Fearless Leader would be most compassionate if I suddenly disappeared for a couple of weeks. She’d be compassionate enough to change the locks on the door and leave a note for me to contact a friendly neighborhood divorce lawyer. Child support and punitive alimony would soon follow.

Disappearance Advice

Guys, it’s really very simple.

If you don’t want to be with your girlfriend/wife, just tell her. There are a number of ways to do this.

  • Tell her the red dress she just spent $400 on makes her ass look like the rear end of a ’65 Buick.
  • Question her personal hygiene habits. Use phrases like “smells like albacore tuna”. IYKWIMAITYD.
  • Start wearing her panties and that $400 red dress. 
  • Demonstrate a sudden fixation for interior decorating.
  • Plaster your home office walls with posters of RuPaul.
  • Comment how studly Ryan Secrest is.
  • Boink a farm animal. 

Kidnapping, schmidnapping.

Man up!

Dumbass.

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Chick w/Duct Taped Boobs Attacks 3 Cops!

Milestone: Some time yesterday morning Dumbass News topped the 100,000 page view barrier! One. Hundred. Thousand. That’s got a nice ring to it. I can’t begin to express my sincerest thanks to each of you for time and support. There were times when I wasn’t sure that we’d make it to a thousand, much less 100K.

I am humbled and grateful.

Thank you.

Fearless Leader

Best of Dumbass News

You know, I am getting pretty damned fed up with this shit. “This shit” being that Dumbasses everywhere are giving Duct Tape bad PR. It all started back in March when a couple of nekkid Dumbasses decided to get their freak on then take a drive around Portland, Oregon. On that occasion Duct Tape was used to bind the Lady Dumbass up like she was being kidnapped. Now if the Lady Dumbass had a nice rack on her then this would not be Duct Tape Abuse, but this is Portland, Oregon we’re talking about here, so that is doubtful. How do I know? Have you ever seen pictures of the women in Portland who would drive around town nekkid with their hooters bound by Duct Tape? I rest my case.

Well, the demeaning of that most valuable of Redneck Tool Box Accessories continues out on the Left Coast. This time by a stripper wanna be from Seattle. As you know, Seattle is a veritable mother lode of Dumbasses and the Communist and Suicide Haven Because It’s Gray and Rainy A Lot Capital of the United States.

I. Ain’t. Happy.

A Night on the Town

A woman whose name we do not know but we’ll call “MoonBeam” had had enough of the Commie bullshit and rampant suicide going on in her town, so she decided that a night out would be a good thing.

MoonBeam got all painted up and dressed up for her big excursion into the night life of Seattle and headed to a local night club. This is mere conjecture on my part, but I think it will be borne out by the end of this story, upon arrival at the club, MoonBeam began to drink a copious amount of Mad Dog 20/20. Soon she was obviously drunk. I say that because at some point later in the evening, MoonBeam began to take off her clothes. While still inside the night club.

Enter the Duct Tape

MoonBeam peeled off her shirt exposing her knockers then reached into her purse and pulled out some pink Duct Tape. At this point, she began to wrap the Duct Tape around her boobage when a club bartender and a female patron intervened and politely said, “Bitch, leave the club now!”, but not in those exact words.  MoonBeam would have none of this interference, so she proceeded to give the two interlopers an old fashion beat down.

The cops were called.

The cops get to the scene and MoonBeam, with her hammers firmly ensconced in pink Duct Tape, ran from them and tried to hide in the Ladies’ Room of a nearby KFC/Taco Bell joint. Now, if I am the cops and I’m looking around for a female suspect in the nearby KFC/Taco Bell, the Ladies’ Room would be a good place to check out. If there are no ladies with their tits wrapped in pink Duct Tape in there, you move on with the investigation. Alas, MoonBeam was in there and the police handcuffed her and led her out of the restaurant to the Police Cruiser.

MoonBeam was not amused.

More Fun!

It was at this point that, according to the Law, MoonBeam “freaked out”. By “freaked out” I think the Seattle PD meant that MoonBeam kicked the shit out of three of Seattle’s Finest. Further, by “kicked the shit out of”, I mean one cop severed a tendon in one of his fingers, another suffered a slight concussion when MoonBeam gave him a round house kick to the skull and yet a third cop suffered a dislocated jaw!

There was no word whether the pink Duct Tape kept MoonBeam’s hammers in place, but inquiring minds want to know.

Regardless, MoonBeam and her boobies will now spend a large portion of the next decade as a guest of the State of Washington. After the ass kickin’ she gave the cops, it has yet to be determined whether she will do her time in a men’s or a women’s prison.  

Or! the State of Washington could send her to Portland, Oregon. I hear there’s a Duct Tape-loving couple there that is looking for a new friend.

Duct Tape not included.

Dumbass.

600 Dumbass Posts & Counting!

Today Dumbass News has reached a milestone. The post previous to this one with the poll on whether I should start a Dumbass YouTube Channel was the 600th in this blog’s almost two year history! It’s hard for me to believe that I have stuck around this long. What’s even more amazing is that you are still around to read this crap.That says a lot about your character, you know. And it ain’t good. Dumbass.I am sure your mental health professional is not too happy about that. Screw ’em. They are deranged enough to be making a living off dealing with Dumbasses every day, so what does that say about them? 

Checkmate and pass the Lithium.


Let’s Celebrate!

I thought that an occasion as monumental as this one should be properly recognized and feted. So, I went through the blog archives and pulled some of my personal favorite Dumbss News stories from the first 600.

Here are those posts, in no particular order.

Picking out favorite Dumbass News stories is a lot like picking out your favorite kid in the family. Each is unique and you love them all equally but in a different way.

You have 600 of ’em to choose from, so search the archives till dumbassery leaks from your eye ball sockets. You’ll thank me later.

But, I thank you now. All of you in the 137 countries around the globe who spend your valuable time reading Dumbass News.Your support has been amazing and much appreciated. Just short of 70,000 page views as of today, I am a humbled Fearless Leader.

Thanks.

Dumbasses.

Chick w/ Duct Taped Boobs Beats Up Three Cops!

West Coast Fashion Accessory

You know, I am getting pretty damned fed up with this shit. “This shit” being that Dumbasses everywhere are giving Duct Tape bad PR. It all started back in March when a couple of nekkid Dumbasses decided to get their freak on then take a drive around Portland, Oregon. On that occasion Duct Tape was used to bind the Lady Dumbass up like she was being kidnapped. Now if the Lady Dumbass had a nice rack on her then this would not be Duct Tape Abuse, but this is Portland, Oregon we’re talking about here, so that is doubtful. How do I know? Have you ever seen pictures of the women in Portland who would drive around town nekkid with their hooters bound by Duct Tape? I rest my case.

Well, the demeaning of that most valuable of Redneck Tool Box Accessories continues out on the Left Coast. This time by a stripper wanna be from Seattle. As you know, Seattle is a veritable mother lode of Dumbasses and the Communist and Suicide Haven Because It’s Gray and Rainy A Lot Capital of the United States.

I. Ain’t. Happy.

A Night on the Town

A woman whose name we do not know but we’ll call “MoonBeam” had had enough of the Commie bullshit and rampant suicide going on in her town, so she decided that a night out would be a good thing.

MoonBeam got all painted up and dressed up for her big excursion into the night life of Seattle and headed to a local night club. This is mere conjecture on my part, but I think it will be borne out by the end of this story, upon arrival at the club, MoonBeam began to drink a copious amount of Mad Dog 20/20. Soon she was obviously drunk. I say that because at some point later in the evening, MoonBeam began to take off her clothes. While still inside the night club.


Enter the Duct Tape 

MoonBeam peeled off her shirt exposing her knockers then reached into her purse and pulled out some pink Duct Tape. At this point, she began to wrap the Duct Tape around her boobage when a club bartender and a female patron intervened and politely said, “Bitch, leave the club now!”, but not in those exact words.  MoonBeam would have none of this interference, so she proceeded to give the two interlopers an old fashion beat down.

The cops were called.

The cops get to the scene and MoonBeam, with her hammers firmly ensconced in pink Duct Tape, ran from them and tried to hide in the Ladies’ Room of a nearby KFC/Taco Bell joint. Now, if I am the cops and I’m looking around for a female suspect in the nearby KFC/Taco Bell, the Ladies’ Room would be a good place to check out. If there are no ladies with their tits wrapped in pink Duct Tape in there, you move on with the investigation. Alas, MoonBeam was in there and the police handcuffed her and led her out of the restaurant to the Police Cruiser.

MoonBeam was not amused.

More Fun! 

It was at this point that, according to the Law, MoonBeam “freaked out”. By “freaked out” I think the Seattle PD meant that MoonBeam kicked the shit out of three of Seattle’s Finest. Further, by “kicked the shit out of”, I mean one cop severed a tendon in one of his fingers, another suffered a slight concussion when MoonBeam gave him a round house kick to the skull and yet a third cop suffered a dislocated jaw!

There was no word whether the pink Duct Tape kept MoonBeam’s hammers in place, but inquiring minds want to know.

Regardless, MoonBeam and her boobies will now spend a large portion of the next decade as a guest of the State of Washington. After the ass kickin’ she gave the cops, it has yet to be determined whether she will do her time in a men’s or a women’s prison.  

Or! the State of Washington could send her to Portland, Oregon. I hear there’s a Duct Tape-loving couple there that is looking for a new friend.

Duct Tape not included.

Dumbass.

Duct Tape: The Newest Sex Life Enhancer! Best of Dumbass News

What Duct Tape?

I posted this story a few weeks ago and it still gets plenty of attention. That tells me that y’all are a bunch of kinky bastards. But I already knew that, so it comes as no surprise to me. After all, you are Dumbasses and I’ve come to expect nothing less of you. For all you numb skulls that found your way here from Pinterest, y’all are a passle of sick, twisted freaks. You’ll fit right in. While your here be sure to check out the blog archives. They are listed month by month in the left sidebar. There’s some great dumbassery in there. If you have any good ideas on new ways to use Duct Tape, head on over to the comment section just below this post. Oh, yeah! To all the “Pinners” who’ve joined us today, thanks for taking the time to re-pin my blog posts and s
tuff. 

And now members of the Dumbass Horde around the world…..I present to you Nekkid Driving and Duct Tape!!!

 When it comes to dumbassery, few places on the entire planet are weirder than Portland, Oregon. My guess is that other than San Francisco, Portland prolly has the highest Dumbass to “normal” people ratio in the country. I think the reason for this is the fact that so many homos and various other life forms of dumbassery migrate from Cal-ee-forn-ya to the Pacific Northwest trying to – wait for it – escape the dumbssery in Cal-ee-forn-ya! <face/palm> Go frakkin’ figger.

True Dumbass Love

Nothing says true dumbass love like duct taping your girlfriend like a Taliban hostage and putting her in the back seat of your Subaru for a little joy ride around town. While you, too, are nekkid as a jay bird as you escort your hostage sweetie all through Portland. Not that a duct taped nekkid woman in the back seat of a Subaru would garner much attention in Portland, Oregon, but one sane soul noticed the nekkid, taped up bimbo and called the cops. One can only imagine what the heat thought when they encountered a nekkid guy driving a Subaru with a duct taped nekkid lady in the back seat! I’m fairly confident that the local constabulary had some very powerful handguns pointed directly at Mr. Driving Nekkid Guy at the sight of such a situation.

After taking a large shit on the genuine imitation llama hair seat cover, and losing his boner, Mr. Driving Nekkid Guy and Ms. Custom Duct Tape Job by Jim Bob Jumpback explained that they were just out for a nekkid ride just for a little for fun. And sexual thrills. Yup, instead of a nice candlelight dinner with some cheap wine, these two dumbasses get nekkid, duct taped and stoopid. And cited for disorderly conduct for driving around Portland, Oregon for all to see. This just oooooozzzzzeeesssss romance.

Reactions

When people learned of this little Love Boat on Land episode, most of the reactions were of the “So what, they were just having fun?” variety. One local dumbass posted on the Portland Police Department Facebook page, and I quote, “Nothing wrong with that, they were just trying to have some fun, you monsters.” I ain’t kiddin’.

The best comment came from a guy who summed it up very nicely: “Keep Portland weird, man.” Perfect.

I implore you to heed this advice as you travel through this journey we call life: nekkid, duct taped and driving through a major city is no way to go through life, son.

Dumbasses.

Duct Tape and Nekkid Driving!

Lookin’ for Love in Portland

When it comes to dumbassery, few places on the entire planet are weirder than Portland, Oregon. My guess is that other than San Francisco, Portland prolly has the highest Dumbass to “normal” people ratio in the country. I think the reason for this is the fact that so many homos and various other life forms of dumbassery migrate from Cal-ee-forn-ya to the Pacific Northwest trying to – wait for it – escape the dumbssery in Cal-ee-forn-ya! <face/palm> Go frakkin’ figger.

True Dumbass Love

Nothing says true dumbass love like duct taping your girlfriend like a Taliban hostage and putting her in the back seat of your Subaru for a little joy ride around town. While you, too, are nekkid as a jay bird as you escort your hostage sweetie all through Portland. Not that a duct taped nekkid woman in the back seat of a Subaru would garner much attention in Portland, Oregon, but one sane soul noticed the nekkid, taped up bimbo and called the cops. One can only imagine what the heat thought when they encountered a nekkid guy driving a Subaru with a duct taped nekkid lady in the back seat! I’m fairly confident that the local constabulary had some very powerful handguns pointed directly at Mr. Driving Nekkid Guy at the sight of such a situation.

After taking a large shit on the genuine imitation llama hair seat cover, and losing his boner, Mr. Driving Nekkid Guy and Ms. Custom Duct Tape Job by Jim Bob Jumpback explained that they were just out for a nekkid ride just for a little for fun. And sexual thrills. Yup, instead of a nice candlelight dinner with some cheap wine, these two dumbasses get nekkid, duct taped and stoopid. And cited for disorderly conduct for driving around Portland, Oregon for all to see. This just oooooozzzzzeeesssss romance.

Reactions

When people learned of this little Love Boat on Land episode, most of the reactions were of the “So what, they were just having fun?” variety. One local dumbass posted on the Portland Police Department Facebook page, and I quote, “Nothing wrong with that, they were just trying to have some fun, you monsters.” I ain’t kiddin’.

The best comment came from a guy who summed it up very nicely: “Keep Portland weird, man.” Perfect.

I implore you to heed this advice as you travel through this journey we call life: nekkid, duct taped and driving through a major city is no way to go through life, son.

Dumbasses.