Category: DUI

Dumbass Kiwi Blows 3 Times Legal DUI Limit, Pees on Breathalyzer

Best of Dumbass News

At last count, Dumbass News was being read by idiots nice folks in 157 countries around the globe. A few hundred of our fellow Dumbasses reside in New Zealand. I don’t remember if we have ever had a story about a Kiwi Dumbass before or not.

So now, New Zealand, it’s your turn in the spotlight because our Dumbass today is one of your own!

You can thank me for shining the disinfectant of sunlight upon the dregs of your civil society later.

Drunk Driving

On the surface this story appears to be a fairly routine drunk driving story. But if you dig a little deeper, you get the details that qualify this tale as a bit, shall we say, “unique”? No we shall not say “unique”, we shall say stoopid as fuck.

Not only did the Dumbass in Question, 26 year old Ryan Scott Thompson of Christchurch, get wasted and drive an automobile, he drove said automobile into an old woman’s house scaring the poor lady out of her wits. Luckily there were some neighbors who witnessed the accident and were able to come to the aid of the Little Old Lady and subdue the suspect until the cops got to the scene.
The New Zealand Herald picks up the story from there, “Thompson blew almost three times the legal breath-alcohol limit after smashing into Dawn Sanders’ living room where she had been sitting moments earlier just after 10pm on July 23.

He pleaded guilty to all charges at his first appearance in the district court and was fined and ordered to pay $1500 in “emotional harm” reparation to Mrs Sanders
Neighbours who rushed to Mrs Sanders’ aid detained the grossly intoxicated but uninjured Thompson until police arrived.
Police said he was unable to walk unaided or coherently answer questions.

After Thompson recorded a breath-alcohol reading of 1137mcg/L (Ed.- which means “drunk as fuck” in the American version) at the police station, a police officer was completing paperwork when he heard the sound of running water, according to the summary of facts.”

That sound of running water? Thompson was caught pissing on the breathalyzer tubes at the police station! Now, to my way of thinking, taking a leak anywhere but in the Toilet at the Cop Shop precludes any claim of innocence or police misconduct. In other words, you have been busted, Dumbass! The Herald adds, “The 301 contaminated tubes had to be destroyed. (Ed.- Ya think?!)

Thompson admitted drinking and driving but was unable to offer any explanation. He was taken to Christchurch for detoxification.
Judge Graham Hubble disqualified Thompson from driving for nine months on the excess breath-alcohol charge and a concurrent three months on the careless use count.
He was fined $200 for wilful damage.”

Questions and Comments Abound

  • “Disqualified from driving” for nine months? WTF? The guy blew a “drunk as fuck” on the Breathalyzer for Christchurch’s sake! He ought to be disqualified from doing anything but nine months of Kiwi Prison Bitchery. In a homo prison.
  • Aside form the fact that the Dumbass crashed into a house, the dude nearly killed a Little Old Lady in the process, and he gets fined $1500? You’re kidding, right, Judge Hubble? Right?
  • The Kiwis ain’t nearly as Bad Ass as the Aussies. 
  • The “sound of running water” is too fucking funny.
  • Pissin’ on the Drunk Detectors is also too fucking funny.

So, my dear Kiwi Dumbasses, you may now bask in your moment of glory. You have officially made it to Big Time when you have made it to Dumbass News. And when I say “Big Time” I mean you have hit rock bottom.

For your self-esteem and emotional well-being (and the fact that Judge Hubble still has a job) you should do your penance by donating a large sum of money through the PayPal Donate Button in the right sidebar to Dumbass News. I’ll fly down and have a nice long talk with Judge Hubble. Over a couple of beers of course.

I know it would make me feel better. And “drunk as fuck”.

Dumbasses.

DUI in Nebraska featuring Earl the God of Dumbass Irony

I have another extremely busy day ahead of me and I won’t have time to write a new post for today. BUT! I browsed the blog archives, which by the way you can find in the left sidebar by scrolling down a little, and went all the way back to November 3 , 2010 and found a real doozy of a “Dumbass News” story.

If you think nothing good ever happens in Nebraska, you’d be el correct-o. However! Plenty of Dumbass Stuff happens in Cornhuskerville. Read on to get a good profile of your average Nebraska youth. And remember the Official State Motto of Nebraska: “At least we’re not Iowa. But we wish we were.” 

Heh.

Sometimes the God of Dumbass Irony, or Earl as he is called, has a wickedly cruel sense of humor. For example, take 19 year old Matthew Nieveen, please(!) hahahahahaha Earl, the God of Dumbass Irony, must have waited years for this twist of fate to occur. It’s so unbelievable, it’s believable. The stars of the constellation “Dumbass” were in perfect order, the moon was in the seventh house, Mercury was in retrograde (which, according a friend of mine, is bad mojo waiting to happen) and the final ingredient of this recipe of ironic circumstance is one full tilt boogie dumbass. That’s where my man Matthew comes in. Matthew is a dumbass, as you’ll shortly see. Read the post first then get a look at the photo at the end of the article.

The story that pegs the Irony Meter takes place in Lincoln, Nebraska, where NOTHING good ever happens, unless it’s the annual ass-kickin’ that the Texas Longhorns put on the Nebraska Cornhuskers. That’s another thing about Lincoln, they call themselves Cornhuskers. What the fuck is a Cornhusker other than a guy who can husk corn? Do they have degrees in cornhusking at NU? Is the mere mention of the word “cornhusker” supposed to strike fear into the hearts of your athletic opponent? The only way the word “cornhusker” would scare the hell out of anybody is if all “cornhuskers” were women from Nebraska. But, I digress.

Back to our dumbass, Matthew, and his 15 minutes of infamy. Matthew goes to this party where alcoholic beverages are being served. (Since our story takes place in Lincoln, NE, the drinks served at this party probably have little umbrellas in them, but, again, I digress) The party in question is a Halloween party. So far, so good. (except for the drinks with tiny umbrellas in them) Matthew, who you’ll remember is only 19, goes to the Halloween party and has two drinks with little umbrellas in them and gets el drunk-o. I’d like to note for the record here, that the women Cornhuskers polished off two kegs of Pabst Blue Ribbon, while the boys had the drinks with little umbrellas in them. This is Nebraska, remember. Anyway, my main man, Matt, gets hammered and makes the foolish decision to drive home while being wasted on drinks with little umbrellas in them. While Matthew is operating his motor vehicle under diminished capacity, he gets pulled over by the Lincoln Police, who hate pansies like Matthew who drive drunk, especially when they are tanked on… you guessed it, drinks with little umbrellas in them.

The law then administers road side sobriety tests (which in Nebraska involved husking corn) to Matthew, which he fails miserably. He was, however, alert enough to present the arresting officer a keepsake little umbrella from one of his drinks he had earlier. The cop was not amused. (I just made that part up for dramatic dumbass effect).

IRONY ALERT! Guess what our man Matt was wearing when he got busted? A breathalyser costume! I. Kid.You. Not. This is almost as funny as a green turd in a punch bowl. Those Nebraskans, God bless ’em, have the misfortune of being cornhuskers, then Earl, the God of Dumbass Irony steps in like James Brown throwing a fourth and 2 pass from deep inside his own territory to his tight end and ends up with a 62 yard gain. Remember that, Cornhuskers? Earl could not have more cruel to our man Matthew than if he put one more second on the clock and your opponent kicks the field goal that costs you the Conference Championship (Obscure Texas 13 Nebraska 12 reference). Doggone that Earl, he’s trickster, ain’t he? A breathalyser costume! bwahahahaha  Life must be hell being a Cornhusker and life must really suck if you’re Matthew – drunk, in jail and out one little umbrella from a foo foo drink.

Dumbass.

DUI On a Bull Dozer!

Best of Dumbass News

Every story I write about on this blog has earned the right to call itself Dumbass News-worthy. But there is the occasional tale that is tailor-made for this blog like John Wayne was made to be a Cowboy. You know the kind of story I am talking about. One so perfect that you almost have to question its authenticity. That’s how the following story is. Hand meet glove. Enuff said.

Would you be surprised if I told you this perfect Dumbass story involved alcohol? And a guy with three names? And a bulldozer?

I didn’t think so.

B. U. I. (Bulldozing Under the Influence)

Cody Ray Gibbs had already been cited for DUI once before. He thought he was safe from a second one, so he went out and got tanked up with his buddies and finally it was time to go home. On the bulldozer he drove to the bar.

Here’s what the Atlanta Urinal-Constipation had to say: “Cody Ray Gibbs, 22, was allegedly under the influence of alcohol when he intentionally destroyed concrete curbing, erosion silt fence and landscaping at a construction site near Powder Springs where homes were to be built, according to an arrest warrant obtained by the Atlanta Journal-Constitution.
Gibbs did not have consent of the property owners to operate the bulldozer between 2 and 2:30 a.m. Aug. 2, the warrant states. The warrant does not state whether or not Gibbs was employed by the company that owned the bulldozer.
A week later, Gibbs was arrested and charged with second degree criminal damage, a felony. Property developers told police that damage was estimated at $10,000.”

What the Hell?

That is just one question I’d like to ask…what the hell? “What the fuck?” comes to mind as well. As does “are you friggin’ kiddin’ me?” Who does this guy think he is, George Jones? (It’s a long story, google “george jones + riding lawnmower” to get the deal)

Cody Ray “D – 9 Cat” Gibbs
  • What the heck was Cody Ray thinkin’ when he decided to take the dozer and go drinking in the first place.
  • Was he hoping to impress the chciks with his ride?
  • Between 2 and 2:30 AM? On a bulldozer? After a night of consuming large quantities of alcoholic beverages? Really?
  • What was he drinking and can I have some? Please.

What Next?

Guys have been busted for DUI on scooters, bikes, motorized wheel chairs and, like George Jones, on riding lawn mowers.The lesson here is that the drinking and driving laws in most states cover a wide range of vehicles for you to get popped on if you are plowed and driving one of them.

So, all you Dumbass Drunks out there take heed. You could be next to be arrested for DUI on a horse or something.

Next thing you know they’ll make it illegal to be fubared and drive a school bus.

Dumbasses.

Drinking Beer at the DUI Checkpoint!

Best of Dumbass News

As a former Professional Drinker, I could regale you with hours of stories of the stoopid shit I did while in a state of inebriation. Most of it was of the funny as hell variety, but some it was just plain damn dumb. While I am on the subject of being a Professional Drinker, I get asked a lot why I quit consuming adult beverages. The short answer: 1) it was simply time to quit. “nuff said. 2) No, I do not nor have I ever been to an an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. I was a drunk, not an alcoholic. And finally, 3) how did I do it? Easy. I just stopped. Cold turkey. No big deal. Except to my family. See reason number 1 above.

Anyway, I did some dumbass stuff, yes, but I can say unequivocally that never once, nary a single time did I ever pull up to a sobriety check point while drinking a beer. I promise.

I can not say the same for David Caruso.

Not THAT David Caruso

There seems to be some confusion about the David Caruso in this story. He is NOT the TV Cop Guy from that CSI: Miami show. Don’t believe me? I offer you proof.

Not a TV Star Cop

Believe me now? OK…moving forward…..This incident took place in Connect-I-Cut, quite a jaunt from Miami, for the record.

Anyway…Connect-I-Cut cops had a sobriety check point set up recently while looking for drunk drivers. Senor Caruso was one of the lucky citizens who found his way into line on that night.

After, the obligatory 8 hour, 17 minute wait to get through the checkpoint line and assure The Fuzz of some good OT pay, Caruso is finally at the front when the cops notice that he (Caruso) is drinking a beer! While this in and of itself is pretty fucking stoopid, you will not believe what I am about to tell you. This is not David Caruso the Not a TV Star Guy’s first run in with The Law involving booze! I knew that would catch you by surprise, but see if you can buck up and carry on from here, OK?

Previously on Dumbass at the Sobriety Check Point

David Caruso the Not a TV Star Guy had a previous conviction for, you guessed it, drunk driving! Here comes the shocker…he was driving on a suspended license! A suspended license from….(?)…. his previous drunk driving conviction! This happens and awful lot, especially with the illegal Meskins who come over here to drink our beer and steal our wimmin. I know that for a fact. I read it on the internet. You can look look it up.

Bottom line is David Caruso the Not a TV Star Guy is in for a stint at one of Connect-I-Cut’s luxury state penitentiaries where he’ll receive some lovely parting gifts for playing the game and he’ll also get some unwanted attention from various and sundry harden criminals who haven’t had in ass in 5 – 13 years.

Two things come out of this story. 1) another Drunk Driving Dumbass is off the road for a while and 2) David Caruso the I’m Not a TV Star Guy has lost his lifetime membership to DAMM – Drunks Against Mad Mothers.

Dumbass.

****Thanks to the HuffPuffPassPassDon’tBogartPost****

Hand Sanitizer: The New Vodka for Dumbasses

Why didn’t I think of this when I was a Professional Drinker?

Drunks or addicts are always looking for a new cheap way to get high. They resort to over the counter medications like Sudafed, Nyquil or even mouthwash in order to get a buzz. I am sure you have heard of this.

Just yesterday, however, I discovered a way to get a buzz on that would not in a million years have crossed my mind, and now that I know about it, still wouldn’t do it. But it’s a novel idea nonetheless.

The latest “magic elixir”? Hand sanitizer. Yes, that stuff you wash your hands with to get all those pesky viruses and other bad shit off of them. Not only does hand sanitizer rid your hands of bacteria that could make you sick, it packs quite a wallop evidently.

DUI

Clean Hands & a Clean Liver

A lady gets pulled over while driving because she was all over the road and nearly hit a parked car. Upon  approaching the lady, the office who pulled her over smelled alcohol. The lady denied that she had been drinking. At least she hadn’t been drinking likker. She had been slammin’ down hand sanitizer!

According to the Daily Mail, upon further review, she later admitted to downing half of a large bottle of hand sanitizer.
Medical experts said a 20z bottle of the liquid contains about the equivalent in alcohol of four vodka shots.
Wilcox, from Middlebury, Connecticut, is thought to have drank the equivalent of 32 shots giving her blood alcohol level of 0.17
In an interview with News 8 Wilcox, who decline to have her photograph taken, admitted to drinking hand sanitizer.

She said: ‘I just saw it there so I drank it.’

When asked how much she drank, she replied: ‘Half a bottle.’
She told the TV station she drank from a big bottle but after being charged with DUI said it was the last time.

Observations 

  • Hand sanitizer? Really?
  • Why?
  • Cheap vodka is only about seven bucks a bottle and tastes much better, I’m sure.
  • It was “just there”? Clorox Bleach is “just there”, but I can assure you that I have absolutely no inclination to grab a shot glass and go to town on it.
  • If it’s that good, why stop at half a bottle? Only amateur drinkers do this. Go for the Big Time, baby! Slam the whole damn bottle!   
  • How many hospital workers feel the urge to knock back a few shots of hand sanitizer while on duty? That shit is everywhere in hospitals and those people are under a tremendous amount of stress.
  • I will now take a Breathalyzer with me to all doctor visits and the occasional trip to the hospital. 
  • This is what happens when you live in a Communist State like Connecticut.
  • This calls for immediate Hand Sanitizer Control measures.
  • When they outlaw hand sanitizer, only outlaws will have hand sanitizer.
  • They can pry my hand sanitizer from my cold dead hands.
  • Does Rite Aid have this stuff on sale?

Dumbass.

Guy Blows 3 Times DUI Limit & Pees on Breathalyzer!

Thompson blew almost three times the legal breath-alcohol limit after smashing into an elderly woman's living room. Photo / File
***Photo from NZ Herald***

At last count, Dumbass News was being read by idiots nice folks in 142 countries around the globe. A few hundred of our fellow Dumbasses reside in New Zealand. I don’t remember if we have ever had a story about a Kiwi Dumbass before or not.

So now, New Zealand, it’s your turn in the spotlight because our Dumbass today is one of your own!

You can thank me for shining the disinfectant of sunlight upon the dregs of your civil society later.

Drunk Driving

On the surface this story appears to be a fairly routine drunk driving story. But if you dig a little deeper, you get the details that qualify this tale as a bit, shall we say, “unique”? No we shall not say “unique”, we shall say stoopid as fuck.

Not only did the Dumbass in Question, 26 year old Ryan Scott Thompson of Christchurch, get wasted and drive an automobile, he drove said automobile into an old woman’s house scaring the poor lady out of her wits. Luckily there were some neighbors who witnessed the accident and were able to come to the aid of the Little Old Lady and subdue the suspect until the cops got to the scene.
The New Zealand Herald picks up the story from there, “Thompson blew almost three times the legal breath-alcohol limit after smashing into Dawn Sanders’ living room where she had been sitting moments earlier just after 10pm on July 23.

He pleaded guilty to all charges at his first appearance in the district court and was fined and ordered to pay $1500 in “emotional harm” reparation to Mrs Sanders
Neighbours who rushed to Mrs Sanders’ aid detained the grossly intoxicated but uninjured Thompson until police arrived.
Police said he was unable to walk unaided or coherently answer questions.

After Thompson recorded a breath-alcohol reading of 1137mcg/L (Ed.- which means “drunk as fuck” in the American version) at the police station, a police officer was completing paperwork when he heard the sound of running water, according to the summary of facts.”

That sound of running water? Thompson was caught pissing on the breathalyzer tubes at the police station! Now, to my way of thinking, taking a leak anywhere but in the Toilet at the Cop Shop precludes any claim of innocence or police misconduct. In other words, you have been busted, Dumbass! The Herald adds, “The 301 contaminated tubes had to be destroyed. (Ed.- Ya think?!)

Thompson admitted drinking and driving but was unable to offer any explanation. He was taken to Christchurch for detoxification.
Judge Graham Hubble disqualified Thompson from driving for nine months on the excess breath-alcohol charge and a concurrent three months on the careless use count.
He was fined $200 for wilful damage.”

Questions and Comments Abound

  • “Disqualified from driving” for nine months? WTF? The guy blew a “drunk as fuck” on the Breathalyzer for Christchurch’s sake! He ought to be disqualified from doing anything but nine months of Kiwi Prison Bitchery. In a homo prison.
  • Aside form the fact that the Dumbass crashed into a house, the dude nearly killed a Little Old Lady in the process, and he gets fined $1500? You’re kidding, right, Judge Hubble? Right?
  • The Kiwis ain’t nearly as Bad Ass as the Aussies. 
  • The “sound of running water” is too fucking funny.
  • Pissin’ on the Drunk Detectors is also too fucking funny.

So, my dear Kiwi Dumbasses, you may now bask in your moment of glory. You have officially made it to Big Time when you have made it to Dumbass News. And when I say “Big Time” I mean you have hit rock bottom.

For your self-esteem and emotional well-being (and the fact that Judge Hubble still has a job) you should do your penance by donating a large sum of money through the PayPal Donate Button in the right sidebar to Dumbass News. I’ll fly down and have a nice long talk with Judge Hubble. Over a couple of beers of course.

I know it would make me feel better. And “drunk as fuck”.

Dumbasses.

Dumbass Busted for DUI on Bull Dozer!

Every story I write about on this blog has earned the right to call itself Dumbass News-worthy. But there is the occasional tale that is tailor-made for this blog like John Wayne was made to be a Cowboy. You know the kind of story I am talking about. One so perfect that you almost have to question its authenticity. That’s how the following story is. Hand meet glove. Enuff said.

Would you be surprised if I told you this perfect Dumbass story involved alcohol? And a guy with three names? And a bulldozer?

I didn’t think so.

B. U. I. (Bulldozing Under the Influence) 

Cody Ray Gibbs had already been cited for DUI once before. He thought he was safe from a second one, so he went out and got tanked up with his buddies and finally it was time to go home. On the bulldozer he drove to the bar.

Here’s what the Atlanta Urinal-Constipation had to say: “Cody Ray Gibbs, 22, was allegedly under the influence of alcohol when he intentionally destroyed concrete curbing, erosion silt fence and landscaping at a construction site near Powder Springs where homes were to be built, according to an arrest warrant obtained by the Atlanta Journal-Constitution.
Gibbs did not have consent of the property owners to operate the bulldozer between 2 and 2:30 a.m. Aug. 2, the warrant states. The warrant does not state whether or not Gibbs was employed by the company that owned the bulldozer.
A week later, Gibbs was arrested and charged with second degree criminal damage, a felony. Property developers told police that damage was estimated at $10,000.”

What the Hell?

That is just one question I’d like to ask…what the hell? “What the fuck?” comes to mind as well. As does “are you friggin’ kiddin’ me?” Who does this guy think he is, George Jones? (It’s a long story, google “george jones + riding lawnmower” to get the deal)

Cody Ray “D – 9 Cat” Gibbs
  • What the heck was Cody Ray thinkin’ when he decided to take the dozer and go drinking in the first place.
  • Was he hoping to impress the chciks with his ride?
  • Between 2 and 2:30 AM? On a bulldozer? After a night of consuming large quantities of alcoholic beverages? Really?
  • What was he drinking and can I have some? Please.

What Next? 

Guys have been busted for DUI on scooters, bikes, motorized wheel chairs and, like George Jones, on riding lawn mowers.The lesson here is that the drinking and driving laws in most states cover a wide range of vehicles for you to get popped on if you are plowed and driving one of them.

So, all you Dumbass Drunks out there take heed. You could be next to be arrested for DUI on a horse or something.

Next thing you know they’ll make it illegal to be fubared and drive a school bus.

Dumbasses.