Category: Dumb Criminal

Drinking Beer at the DUI Checkpoint!

Best of Dumbass News

As a former Professional Drinker, I could regale you with hours of stories of the stoopid shit I did while in a state of inebriation. Most of it was of the funny as hell variety, but some it was just plain damn dumb. While I am on the subject of being a Professional Drinker, I get asked a lot why I quit consuming adult beverages. The short answer: 1) it was simply time to quit. “nuff said. 2) No, I do not nor have I ever been to an an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. I was a drunk, not an alcoholic. And finally, 3) how did I do it? Easy. I just stopped. Cold turkey. No big deal. Except to my family. See reason number 1 above.

Anyway, I did some dumbass stuff, yes, but I can say unequivocally that never once, nary a single time did I ever pull up to a sobriety check point while drinking a beer. I promise.

I can not say the same for David Caruso.

Not THAT David Caruso

There seems to be some confusion about the David Caruso in this story. He is NOT the TV Cop Guy from that CSI: Miami show. Don’t believe me? I offer you proof.

Not a TV Star Cop

Believe me now? OK…moving forward…..This incident took place in Connect-I-Cut, quite a jaunt from Miami, for the record.

Anyway…Connect-I-Cut cops had a sobriety check point set up recently while looking for drunk drivers. Senor Caruso was one of the lucky citizens who found his way into line on that night.

After, the obligatory 8 hour, 17 minute wait to get through the checkpoint line and assure The Fuzz of some good OT pay, Caruso is finally at the front when the cops notice that he (Caruso) is drinking a beer! While this in and of itself is pretty fucking stoopid, you will not believe what I am about to tell you. This is not David Caruso the Not a TV Star Guy’s first run in with The Law involving booze! I knew that would catch you by surprise, but see if you can buck up and carry on from here, OK?

Previously on Dumbass at the Sobriety Check Point

David Caruso the Not a TV Star Guy had a previous conviction for, you guessed it, drunk driving! Here comes the shocker…he was driving on a suspended license! A suspended license from….(?)…. his previous drunk driving conviction! This happens and awful lot, especially with the illegal Meskins who come over here to drink our beer and steal our wimmin. I know that for a fact. I read it on the internet. You can look look it up.

Bottom line is David Caruso the Not a TV Star Guy is in for a stint at one of Connect-I-Cut’s luxury state penitentiaries where he’ll receive some lovely parting gifts for playing the game and he’ll also get some unwanted attention from various and sundry harden criminals who haven’t had in ass in 5 – 13 years.

Two things come out of this story. 1) another Drunk Driving Dumbass is off the road for a while and 2) David Caruso the I’m Not a TV Star Guy has lost his lifetime membership to DAMM – Drunks Against Mad Mothers.

Dumbass.

****Thanks to the HuffPuffPassPassDon’tBogartPost****

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Guy Farts, Neighbor Threatens to Shoot Him!

Best of Dumbass News

Fearless Leaders lead. That’s what I do for you every day. I lead you. I lead you into the depths of human depravity and dumbassery. I must say, however, that this blog can be educational as well. Today for example, we will study etymology. Wikipedia defines etymology thusly, “the study of the history of words, their origins, and how their form and meaning have changed over time.” 

The word we’ll take a look at today is one that is used and actually practiced daily here at the Dumbass Dome. The word is “fart”. I know it will come as a surprise to many of you that your Fearless Leader would engage in such juvenile vulgarity. (coughcoughbullshitcoughcough) Moving right along…

As we all know, “farting”, or in the vernacular, “letting one rip”, “here’s a kiss for you” or “cutting the cheese”, is the process in which digestive gasses are forced through the anus at super sonic speeds. This type of “fart” is often referred to as a “gasser”. Men are the main emitters of such farts, truck drivers being the most notable. My Old Man was a trucker for over 40 years and, believe you me, I know a gasser when I hear one.

Females, on the other hand, “fluff” or “poot” when they emit anal gas., with “fluff” being the quieter of the two types of farting.

How “Fart” Came About

Not being an expert in etymology, I have turned to others more knowledgeable than I. A brief look at the word “fart” from Wiktionary informs us:

Etymology

Pronunciation

Verb

fart (third-person singular simple present farts, present participle farting, simple past and past participle farted)

  1. (informal, mildly vulgar) To emit digestive gases from the anus; to flatulate.
  2. (colloquial, usually as “fart around) To waste time with idle and inconsequential tasks; to go about one’s activities in a lackadaisical manner; to be lazy or over-relaxed in one’s manner or bearing.

Edified yet?

An Almost Gone Gasser

On the surface Daniel Collins of Teaneck, New Jersey looks any other 72 year old would-be felon galavanting around the city. Recently, however, Daniel erased “would-be” from his resume. Although not yet convicted by a jury of his peers, Collins’ likely destination in the very near future is Prison Bitchville.

This Guy Hates Farts

You see, Dirty Dan had an ongoing dispute going on with one of his neighbors when the feud erupted. Literally. The neighbor was coming home from a drunken night of heavy crack cocaine usage when he was strolling by Dan’s apartment door. As he was meandering through the hallways of Teaneck’s finest soon-to-be condemned slum, he had the urge to fart. So he did. It was this gaseous emission that sent Daniel Collins over the edge.

Upon hearing the fartage from his passing neighbor, good ol’ Dan rush to his dresser drawer and grabbed a handgun! He then confronted the fartor while brandishing said firearm and threatened to “put a hole” in his head. Letting one ripin public is certainly not very courteous, but “putting a hole” in the gasser’s head is a bit of a harsh reaction when a simple “quit the fucking farting in the hallway, you uncivilized asshole” would have sufficed. Geez, some fucking people. But at least this is the USA, Land of the Free and Home of the Brave, where a man can still fart without fear of persecution from the Gubmint. A deranged neighbor may blow your shit away, but you can still fart free!

It goes without saying that Dan was arrested and believe it or not, released from jail on his own recognizance! What. The. Hell!

Justice awaits Dan “The Man” Collins. If there is any Justice (and irony) in the world, he’ll get the gas chamber.

Dumbass.

Mitt Romney’s Photo Drives Dumbass to Beat Girlfriend

I am a let and let live kind of guy. I couldn’t really care less what people in the privacy of their homes. Gay? Go pack the fudge. Bigamist? Have fun. But you are a Dumbass. Drugs? Shoot, snort, smoke, whatever til you puke or die, I don’t give a shit. As long as nobody is forced into participation, have at it. Having said all that, leave the kids and animals out of it. That’s where I draw the line and make sure the rope is short and the tree is tall. No kids. Period.

One more thing that people, mainly men, do behind closed doors that really chaps my ass is beat wimmin. I can’t abide by that at any time for any reason. Wanna be a tough guy? Come see me. We’ll “talk”. Pussy. Asshole. Coward. Again , I refer to the tall tree, short rope analogy above. End. Of. Story.

Reasons? 

What kills me is the reasons these Dumbasses give for hitting on wimmin. She talked to another guy. She looked at another guy. Supper was cold. Oh, yeah, Tough Guy? Cold is what you’ll soon be if you ever lay a hand on my wife or daughters.

Former “Tough Guy”; New Prison Bitch

Some Redneck Dumbass in Tennessee has a good one (Sarcasm Alert!) for punching out his live-in girlfriend – she is having an affair with Republican Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney. Really. She is. Dumbass saw Romney’s photo on his woman’s Facebook page. And it made him angry. Real angry. Angry enough to smack her in the chops with a closed fist.

Now this “affair” may come as news to Mitt Romney who’s as squeaky clean as a counter top wash with Pine Sol. Many of you may not like his views on the issues of the day, but the dude ain’t no philanderer. Hell. He’s a Mormon for Church of Jesus Christ – Latter Day Saints sake. Plus, he’s been married to his wife, Ann, for something like 38 gazillion years without a hint of an extra marital scandal.

So, for whatever “reason”, Ol’ Mitt made Butt Boy (the Redneck Dumbass) mad as hell. Now he should be scared as hell.

All Well That Ends in Hell

These days it looks like Lover Boy will spend a little time romancing the stones in the county lock up. Say what you can and will about prisoners, but, collectively, they hate a guy that beats on wimmin. When they find out what the Redneck Dumbass, Lowell Turpin of Knoxville is in for, his anal cavity will get tighter than a mosquito’s assholle stretch over a rain barrell. For a while.

I’d venture a guess that good ol’ Loweel never took that small detail into consideration before he belted hid old lady. No it’s time to pay the piper, L-Turp. Now you’ll find out exactly what having your dignity and self-worth taken away is all about, Choir Boy – soprano, of course. The German have a word in deriving guilty pleasure from the pain of others – schadenfreude. Well, Hoss, your schaden is a bout to be freued- ed.

Write home soon and tell the family that you are now a homo, you are gonna feel like one.

Have a nice day.

Dumbass.

Dumbass Driving & Drinking a Beer While at Sobriety Check Point!

As a former Professional Drinker, I could regale you with hours of stories of the stoopid shit I did while in a state of inebriation. Most of it was of the funny as hell variety, but some it was just plain damn dumb. While I am on the subject of being a Professional Drinker, I get asked a lot why I quit consuming adult beverages. The short answer: 1) it was simply time to quit. “nuff said. 2) No, I do not nor have I ever been to an an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. I was a drunk, not an alcoholic. And finally, 3) how did I do it? Easy. I just stopped. Cold turkey. No big deal. Except to my family. See reason number 1 above.

Anyway, I did some dumbass stuff, yes, but I can say unequivocally that never once, nary a single time did I ever pull up to a sobriety check point while drinking a beer. I promise.

I can not say the same for David Caruso.


Not THAT David Caruso  

There seems to be some confusion about the David Caruso in this story. He is NOT the TV Cop Guy from that CSI: Miami show. Don’t believe me? I offer you proof.

Not a TV Star Cop

Believe me now? OK…moving forward…..This incident took place in Connect-I-Cut, quite a jaunt from Miami, for the record.

Anyway…Connect-I-Cut cops had a sobriety check point set up recently while looking for drunk drivers. Senor Caruso was one of the lucky citizens who found his way into line on that night.

After, the obligatory 8 hour, 17 minute wait to get through the checkpoint line and assure The Fuzz of some good OT pay, Caruso is finally at the front when the cops notice that he (Caruso) is drinking a beer! While this in and of itself is pretty fucking stoopid, you will not believe what I am about to tell you. This is not David Caruso the Not a TV Star Guy’s first run in with The Law involving booze! I knew that would catch you by surprise, but see if you can buck up and carry on from here, OK?

Previously on Dumbass at the Sobriety Check Point

David Caruso the Not a TV Star Guy had a previous conviction for, you guessed it, drunk driving! Here comes the shocker…he was driving on a suspended license! A suspended license from….(?)…. his previous drunk driving conviction! This happens and awful lot, especially with the illegal Meskins who come over here to drink our beer and steal our wimmin. I know that for a fact. I read it on the internet. You can look look it up.

Bottom line is David Caruso the Not a TV Star Guy is in for a stint at one of Connect-I-Cut’s luxury state penitentiaries where he’ll receive some lovely parting gifts for playing the game and he’ll also get some unwanted attention from various and sundry harden criminals who haven’t had in ass in 5 – 13 years.

Two things come out of this story. 1) another Drunk Driving Dumbass is off the road for a while and 2) David Caruso the I’m Not a TV Star Guy has lost his lifetime membership to DAMM – Drunks Against Mad Mothers.

Dumbass.

****Thanks to the HuffPuffPassPassDon’tBogartPost****

Guy Pokes Other Men’s Wimmin, Pays for It w/ His Penis

Dumbass Note: Dumbass News is now read by Dumbasses in 141 countries around the world!!! Our latest Dumbass follower is from Myanmar!

Strange things happen when the sun goes down. Like the old Charley Pride song says, “The snakes crawl at night…”

At night, criminals, mainly thieves and burglars, do their best work, taking anything from jewelry to penises...What?? Did I just type what I think I just typed? Upon further review, I did type what I thought I typed. I typed that thieves steal male sex organs.

Why in the name of Ron Jeremy would a thief want to to pilfer a penis? The reason that immediately springs to mind is that the current owner of the ding-a-ling did something very naughty with it. Kind of a screwy notion, huh? Well, maybe it’s not as rock solid weird as you might think.

Let Me Splain.

Fei Lin, No Relation to Feng Shui, or Tina Fey for that matter,is a Dumbass. Apparently Linny, not of Lenny and Squiggy fame, likes the ladies. Even if the lady belongs to another man., like maybe Won Hung Lo. This is bad joo joo in China. Or Texas. Or Tennessee.

Anyway, Fi Fei Fo Fum was evidently Por-king some Chinese lovelies that were otherwise the significant others of some other guys, Egg Fu Yung among them. Egg Fu and Won Hung got wind of these dastardly deeds and prepared to exact their revenge on Fei Tina Peking Duc. And by “exact” I mean use an exacto knife on his Shang Hai.

Their plan was meticulously thought out and when the time came….

The Time That Came

One night after performing a little Hong Kong Phookey with another man’s woman, Fuk Yu Silly went home and went to bed, falling into a deep REM sleep mode. Recognizing this as their moment to cut and run, the Bad Guys made their way into Far Out, Man’s apartment and performed a penis-ectomy with the skill of a surgeon and the swiftness of a Ferrari.

They sliced Foo King Shits’ willie off and leaving him no hope of being a “man” again, absconded with the cut-off cucumber! In other words, they stole the dude’s dick! Giving a guy the old phallus filet is one thing, but to run off with his member also, is quite another.

It’s just plain old rude!

Why Me?

To no one’s surprise, Long Duc Dong is baffled by what happened to his peter. “What I do long for these ferrows to knifey rifey my manhood?” Or something like that. I took a little poetic license with the translation, but you get the picture.

The Rittle City by the Liver po-po think that revenge was a factor in the de-penis-ifying of Mr. Soprano. geez, ya think?

I don’t really know where to go with this from here except to say, guys, keep your goober in your pants when it comes to another dude’s chick. American Ginsu Guerrillas may not be nearly as nice as those wack chink dink defacers.

That is unless you’d like your new name to be No More Stiffy.

Dumbass.

***Photo from austriantimes.at***

Dumbass Steals Guns from FBI Car!

I start off this post with a familiar refrain, “there is no shortage of Dumbasses that make finding material for Dumbass News easy as pie.” Today another group of Duimbasses is highlighted as being the most deserving idiots available in being honored (snicker, snicker) as Dumbasses of the Day.

The unique thing about this story is the fact that it has a “trickle down effect”. By that I mean that it started with a Dumbass at the Top and oozed down to a couple of other Dumbasses involved in the incident.

Burglary of a Car

Here’s the deal…Dumbass #1 broke into a car park in front of the car owner’s house. He stole some shit. By shit I mean a submachine gun, assault rifle, shotgun and some other jazz. (The Jazz includes: a “Remington 870 shotgun, a Colt M16 and an H&K MP-5 submachine gun were missing from the trunk. A bulletproof vest and various magazines and ammunition also were gone.” Thanks sfgate.com!) At this point, I am asking myself, “Fearless Leader Self, what kind of person would have all this military hardware in car while it is parked in his driveway?” I’ll tell you what kind of person would have all this military hardware in car while it is parked in his driveway. An FBI Agent, that’s what kind of person would have all this military hardware in car while it is parked in his driveway.

Will Trade for Pot

Enter “Trickle Down”.

A Whole Lotta Tricklin’ Goin’ On Out There

Scatter Gun

Now Dumbass #1 meets up with his compadre, whom we’ll call Dumbass #2 (clever, ain’t I?), and gives him the pilfered loot. Now, I am not a felon nor do I play one on TV, but I’m thinkin’ that if I do something this damn stoopid, I am gonna go Full Tilt Boogie Stoopid. Lead or follow, just get the hell outta my way.

Back to Dumbass #2…now this dumbfuck has all this stolen weaponry and is looking to ditch it as soon as possible. #2 takes all the guns and shit, spreads them all out on his bed and starts the sales process. By way of text messages! Now where have we heard about Dumbasses sending texts that end up gnawing their asses off? Oh, yeah, I remember. There’s the story of the guy selling dope by texting and one of his messages ends up on 10 year old’s cell phone. The 10 year old’s Grandpa is a State Trooper! Hilarity ensues. The website, Texts From Last Night (NSFW) has some outstanding text messages in their archives.

Bureau Formal Wear

Quickly recapping, Dumbass #2 got the stolen shit from Dumbass #1 and is texting out his sales pitch to other Dumbasses. Finally, he make s a “bidness arrangement” with, you guessed it, Dumbass #3. #2 has several thousand dollars worth of military grade weapons and what does he get in return for them? $120 and an ounce of pot. Depending on the quality of the weed, it could go for as much as a few hundred dollars an o-z <—a little drug dealer lingo there. That adds up to maybe 500 bucks. Not only is #2 a Dumbass, he’s a bad bidness man too.

Trickling Back Up   

Let the gurgling begin. Dumbass #3 screws up good enough to get busted and it was just a matter of time before Numbers 1 and 2 got popped and they did. That is what is called “climbing the ladder”. Kind of like baseball, but instead of balls and strikes, we’re dealing Dumbasses here. Also, there are no felonies in baseball. I think.

All three Dumbasses now face some serious Federal Pen time for stealing gubmint property and being in possession of guns they ain’t supposed to be in possession of. It’s just a matter of whether their new address will be in Sing Sing or Leavenworth.

Hopefully, our three actors will run into someone who can show ’em what a “sawed-off shotgun” is all about – our Dumbass News Adopted Felon Leon “Hung Like a Horse” Williams. When they “befriend” Leon, he’ll show ’em what assault with a deadly weapon is all about.

Dumbasses.

Dumbass Email from "Interpol"; You’re in Big Trouble!

Faithfully

We have talked before how cool the internet is and all the spiffy things you can do on it – shopping, paying bills, watching pron, etc…As good as all that stuff is, there are an equal number of bad things about the 3 Dub (that stands for “www.”; a nickname us blogging sensations use when communicating with each other) Scams, phishing, ID theft, etc. For example…

My wife got this email last night. It sounds very ominous and basically implicates her in a very serious crime. I will print it n its entireity belo then dismantle it point by point.


The Very Serious Email

  • Good Day.

    This is the internet fraud unit of the Interpol police, we are mandated by the British High Commission and the FBI to combat internet fraud and our monitoring device picked up several signal transaction on your server and since then we have been monitoring all your internet transaction and we have just discovered that you have been into series of transaction and we have been on the trail ever since.

    From our investigation you have been into a transaction worth of millions of dollars which you have spent money on, and we discovered from our investigation that you have been dealing with the wrong people. A compensation of six hundred and fifty thousand united state dollars ($650,000.00) has been allocated to all Americans, Arabians,Europeans,canadians and Asian citizen who have been scammed and harassed on the internet. We are also been backed up by the UNITED NATIONS. We have been investigating emails been directed to selected individuals.
      

    We want to clear your doubts; you are to continue your transaction with Robert Nicholas of the compensation payment department immediately.Please you are to notify us when you receive this email.

    You are not to disclose this information to a third party as we are on the trail to get all perpetrators of cyber crime.

    Thank you for your understanding

    Faithfully

    Bryan Anderson

    Head Internet Fraud Unit. 

Sounds ominous, huh?
I would think that such letters are intended for older people who are not so internet savvy or maybe even a little off kilter upstairs.Sadly, there those who fall for this shit every day of the week. That’s almost understandable. But consider also the fact that perfectly functioning, mentally stable, smart, grown people get involved in scams like this all the time. These are the dumbasses to whom I am referring in this post.

Pay Attention!   

Let’s play a Dumbass Game right now. Let us say that you received this email and were so scared that you soiled your drawers thinking that you could be in some serious shit.Fear not! Fearless Leader s here to cast aside your worries and fears! Ya Dumbass. And I say that with love in my heart.

For your sanity, not to mention your bank account, let us dismantle this fraudulent communique step by step, shall we?

The Dismantling

This will be easy.

  • The greeting of the email, “Good Day”. I may be in the minority here but if you are involved in a serious crime, I highly doubt the first words of the letter would be ‘good day”. “Hey, you rotten thieving sonuvabitch” or “Mr. Smith” maybe, but there’s no way in hell that an email of this nature begins with a sunny phrase such as “good day”.
  • Interpol is indeed an international police force kind of thing. However, I don’t think that they are stoopid enough to inform a criminal suspect of their (Interpol’s) activities during a major fraud investigation. Don’t you Dumbasses ever watch James Bond movies? Geez.
  • The bullshit about the British High Command: the BHC has no jurisdiction whatsoever in the United States.If I’m not mistaken, neither does Interpol..I believe Interpol is an investigative type agency. It’s headquartered in Fwance, so take it for what it’s worth. That’s not to say that Interpol is worthless, but I am skeptical of it nonetheless.
  • Some of the grammatical; mistakes alone send up a red flag the size of an 18 wheeler right away. Notice “canadians” and “several signal transaction” and other stuff that leads me to believe that some guy in Nigeria is the author of this crap. The do a lot of internet scamming in Nigeria.
  • The Dumbass who wrote this also says that his group is backed by the United Nations! Oh, my God! Run for the hills! Not the UN! I say, fuck the UN! Sideays. With a rusty BBQ grill brush. The UN is as useful as tits on a boar hog.
  • Notify the writer upon receipt of the email. Yeah, I’ll get right on that. This deal stinks more and more by the word.
  • Don’t tell anybody, you are instructed. That all by its own self says, “I am gonna rip you off so bad and so fast, you won’t know what hit you, fucking idiot.”
  • “Thank you for your understandin”. If you understood you wouldn’t be Dumbass enough to fall for this fraud!
  • The closing is a real beauty. “Faithfully”? Really? The only thing this asshole is faithful to is rippuing off and ripping you off bad. 

There’s more, but I think you get the idea.

That’s my Public Service Announcement for this week, so please remember that the British High Command and Interpol have absolutely no jurisdiction in the United States.If the High Sheriffs (FBI, Treasury Dept.et al) think you are involved in some high tech, high-level, international fraud scheme, and have sufficient evidence, you won get an email about it, they will be knocking down your door like a Mack Truck hit it with several US Army tanks at their disposal. And they won’t be real nice when they slap the bracelets on you.

This post was almost serious. Do not make me go through this again.Got it?

Dumbass.