Best of Dumbass News
Even as a Middle Aged Dumbass who has been around the coffee cup huntin’ the handle, I am still amazed that so many people, although not nearly as many as even 25 short years ago, stay in the same field of work at the same job with the same company for so many years. I have noticed over the last couple of years through my Facebook contact with long time friends, that many of them work for the same school district or company that they started with shortly after I last saw them a million years ago. Those years, by my standard, are measured in Dumbass Years. A Dumbass Year equals whatever I say it does. In this case, 37 years ago equals a million Dumbass Years. Hey, they’re my years so I quantify them how I want to.
For example, my Dad worked for the same company for 37 years and the only reason it wasn’t more is because they shut the place down. He would have had 40+ years seniority, easy. I know some people that work for the same company that did during the summers between High School years. I am looking at you, Randy Randle. 🙂 I think.
Today, I present to you another Seasoned Citizen to whom we can all look up to and admire as someone who has the same job for her whole life and she is eighty-two years old!
Her name is Doris Thompson.
And she’s a career criminal. I love the smell of persistence in the morning. It smells like a jail cell.
All About Doris
Doris – who has at least twenty-five aliases – has a rap sheet that dates back to before I was born! And I was born in 1956! Her criminal record dates as far back as 1955!
According to the LA Times, Doris “targeted doctors’ offices. He said she would enter an office, hide until closing and search for keys to the cash box. He said she stole about $17,000.
Thompson was arrested at an El Segundo hotel without incident, Watt said, and police found evidence linking her to the burglaries.
Watt said a detective who had dealt with Thompson identified her from a video that allegedly caught her in the act. The detective recognized her distinctive hair, which Thompson wears in a stand-on-its-end electric style similar to boxing promoter Don King.
Thompson has a 20-page rap sheet dating to 1955. Burglary appears to be her chosen career.
According to court records, Thompson has been imprisoned at least nine times for burglary in Los Angeles and Orange counties. She first spent time behind bars in 1983, when she was 53, according to the records. It’s unclear why they don’t go back further.”
I Hate These Walls…
Doris’ current crop of troubles stem from an incident in which she hid inside a rest room at Children’s Medical Group in Torrance, Cal-ee-forn-ya, then stole the place blind after she emerged from the can when employess of CMG had left for the day.
I was almost feeling sorry for Old Doris the Fucking Asshole Career Thief – after all she is somebody’s mother and grandmother- until I got to the “Childrens Medical Group” part. One of the items she swiped from CMG? A device to test children’s hearing. Lovely person the Old Battle Axe is, huh? Fuck Her.
Thankfully Doris is very old and with any luck her “career” has been “cut short” by this latest run in with the Law and Old Age. Maybe the citizens of Cal-ee-forn-ya won’t have to support her sorry ass for too long and she’ll be kind enough to, oh, I dunno, die soon.
I Couldn’t Care Less
I know. I know. I shouldn’t be so hard on this poor old lady. Bullshit! The old bitty has led a life of crime for parts of seven decades! And you want me to feel bad for her due to her current circumstances? Paraphrasing Richard Pryor, you are talkin’ to the wrong Fearless Leader, mothafuckah!
Yes, Doris is a Child of God and is due forgiveness for her transgressions, but she can be granted all the forgiveness she’ll ever get from the Good Lord His Own Self, not your Fearless Leader. My Forgive-O-Meter is broken when it comes to Doris Thompson. She has and deserves absolutely NONE of my sympathy or compassion. What’s the old saying? Insanity is doing the same thing time and again expecting different results? Doris is beyond “insane”, she’s a Dumbass.
I think I summed it up rather succinctly way up there ^^^^^ somewhere when I so delicately said, “Fuck. Her”.
Have a nice day, Doris.
Thanks to my long time friend Matt Vaughn in Texas, today we are breaking new ground in the sink hole that is Dumbass News. I’ve come to expect stuff like this from Matt because he is one of the biggest Dumbasses I know. I must admit, however, that I am a bit jealous of Matt. And by “jealous” I of course mean that I would pay an exorbitant amount of money to one of my wife’s Eye-talian uncles (Sicilian, naturally) to put Young Matthew to “sleep with the fishes”, IYKWIMAITYD. This would be easy to accomplish because my buddy Matt lives near one of my old fishing holes, Lake Ray Hubbard. This is one of the reasons I am jealous of my friend – because he lives so damn near the lake. Another reason I am envious of Matt is because he has a Harley and I don’t. Having said all this, you can easily see why Matthew deserves a fate of nothing less than becoming catfish food.
So, Matt, if you wake up one morning with a severed horse head in your bed, it’s nothing personal, bro. It’s just bidness.
The groundbreaking part of our story today involves ID theft. This is a first for Dumbass News. In the past I have written about this stoopid bitch that was cashing Social Security checks – that were written to her DEAD boyfriend! There was also the time that we discovered that credit card theft is a gateway to becoming a smoker.
While cashing gubmint checks made out to your dead boyfriend and credit card theft are fine felonies indeed, they don’t compare to the Dumbassery we will learn about today.
May I See Your ID, Please?
Brianna Priddy is a waitress at the Applebee’s in the Denver suburb of Lakewood, Colorado. A couple of weeks ago, Brianna’s wallet was stolen from her. In the meantime, somebody was going around the Greater Denver area cashing hundreds of dollars of bad checks using Brianna’s stolen ID. This is important to remember.
One day Brianna was at work serving some delicious Applebee’s menu fare to the upstanding citizens of the Metro Denver area when a young lady came into the restaurant and was seated in Brianna’s section. The young lady, whom we’ll call Clarice, then ordered an adult libation. Brianna wasn’t sure that Clarice was of legal drinking age, so like the Law and Applebee’s company policy dictate, Brianna asked Clarice for some form of identification to verify that Clarice was indeed of the age of majority. Clarice happily complied and presented a drivers license to the waitress.
The ID that Clarice showed the server was Brianna’s stolen drivers license! This is what is commonly referred to as “Karma” or as I like to call it, “a swift kick in the nuts”.
Do Not Pass “Go”
One can only imagine what Brianna was thinking. But, she kept her cool and calmly took Clarice’s drink order then proceeded to call the local constabulary post haste.
Clarice was taken into police custody and charged with a bunch of shit that will keep her behind bars for a few years.
Thank you, Matt, for this heartwarming story of what goes around comes around. I can always count on you to deliver the goods, all in the name of Good Old Fashioned Dumbassery.
Now about that horse head….
|Kidnappers’ Tool of Choice|
A terrible thing happened to Rahmell Pettway.
He was kidnapped.
Last Thursday passersby found Rahmell sitting between two parked cars on the streets of New York City. His mouth, legs and hands were bound by duct tape and he complained of pain in his ribs.
The Police were notified and Rahmell told them the tale of his abduction. He told the cops that two guys in a blue minivan had kidnapped him and held him for two terrifying weeks moving him from place to place around the Big Apple.
However, NYC’s Finest soon became skeptical of Pettway’s story. With good reason.When The Law found Rahmell, a roll of duct tape was still dangling from his wrist!
A confession to this fakery soon followed.
Why would Rahmell go to such extraordinary lengths and concoct such an elaborate hoax?
He didn’t want to tell his girlfriend why he was gone for those two weeks! He was afraid that she’d kick his ass! Of course we all know that faking our own kidnapping is a sure fire way to avoid an ass-kickin’ from our sweetheart.
I know that Mrs. Fearless Leader would be most compassionate if I suddenly disappeared for a couple of weeks. She’d be compassionate enough to change the locks on the door and leave a note for me to contact a friendly neighborhood divorce lawyer. Child support and punitive alimony would soon follow.
Guys, it’s really very simple.
If you don’t want to be with your girlfriend/wife, just tell her. There are a number of ways to do this.
- Tell her the red dress she just spent $400 on makes her ass look like the rear end of a ’65 Buick.
- Question her personal hygiene habits. Use phrases like “smells like albacore tuna”. IYKWIMAITYD.
- Start wearing her panties and that $400 red dress.
- Demonstrate a sudden fixation for interior decorating.
- Plaster your home office walls with posters of RuPaul.
- Comment how studly Ryan Secrest is.
- Boink a farm animal.
Best of Dumbass News
Grocery shoppers in Little Rock BEWARE! There’s a guy who could be in your local Kroger store pissing all over the Pilgrim’s Pride or Tyson chicken! What this dumbass has in mind by pissing on the chicken, I don’t know. But, I am relieved to know that he bypassed the T-bone steaks. If the dude had peed on the T-bones, I would become a vegetarian on the spot. Pissing on the yard bird, not so much. Anyway…
This dumbass went to a Kroger store (Kroger is a large grocery store company – ed.) in Little Rock as decided that he would “marinate” the yard birds with his tinkle. I know you’ll find this difficult to believe, but the dumbass was drunk! The Little Rock police got a call from Kroger’s saying that a man was being “verbally aggressive” with some of the employees. But, before the Law could get there the dumbass peed on over $500 worth of chicken. He also ate a large package of ham. I happen to know that the good people of Little Rock love their hogs, ooooooooooohhhhhhh pig soooooooo-eeeeeeeeeyyyyyyy! A little football lingo there.
So…the dumbass pisses on over $500 worth of chicken, eats a large package of ham and gets verbally aggressive with store employees. Enter the LRPD who quickly subdue the drunk dumbass and prepare to haul his ass to jail. Upon confronting the dumbass suspect, the police made this brilliant observation, “he was reported by officers to have been unsteady on his feet, smelled of alcohol and had bloodshot eyes when they arrived on the scene.” What was their first clue? The cops left out the fact that the dumbass smelled of pig. Our dumbass was “charged with public intoxication, theft of property, and criminal mischief.” Criminal mischief? Does that mean he pissed all over the chicken? I really got nothin’ today, but I do hope that pissing on the yard bird isn’t one of the “special seasonings” in KFC. If it is, the dumbass and I gotta have a loooooooooonnnngggg talk. Not only is he pissing on my chicken, he’s breathing my air.
Other than Jesus, mothers are God’s greatest gift to humanity. No questions asked.
I am closing in on sixty years old and I am still my Mom’s Bouncin’ Baby Boy. At least her eyes I am. I don’t think there’s anything Mom wouldn’t do for me if I asked her to. At my age there’s not a helluva lot I ask my Mom for, but there are times when she can tell that I need “something” – moral support, an ear to bend, stuff like that. And she’s right, I do, at times, need her wisdom when life throws me a curveball. Moms are good like that.
I said earlier that there’s very little that Mom wouldn’t do for me. I can only think of three things off the top of my head that my Mom would disown me over. Those things are:
- Leaving the Catholic Church.
- Marrying a Liberal woman.
- Calling her for bail money.
I have good news for Mom – I am still Catholic. I am married to Conservative woman. I don’t need bail money. Yet.
The same can not be said of Zachariah Dalton Howard.
What Zach Did
I don’t know if Zach is Catholic or married to a Liberal woman, but I do know that he’s a Dumbass.
You see, not long ago Zach walked into a Niceville, Florida convenience store to do more than buy a shitload of Snickers bars. He approached the cashier on duty, said he had a gun and wanted all the money in the register drawer. It turns out that Zach’s timing was as bad as his idea to commit a felony. Lo, the cash drawer was empty! Dejected that his crime was a waste of time, Zach calmly left the convenience store and headed straight for a pay phone. To call his Mother for a ride home!
Now, I am not a criminal, nor do I play one on TV, but I can say with an abundance of confidence that calling your Mother after a failed attempt at armed robbery violates some kind of Criminal Code of Conduct or something. Doesn’t it? If not, it should.
By the way, Zach told the cops after he was arrested that he had not planned to rob the c-store, he just happen to hatch the idea of becoming a laughingstock in the Criminal Underworld while he was on his way to the store to buy a shitload of Snickers bars!
Upon further review, I have come to some conclusions about Zachary Dalton Howard.
- When on his way to a convenience store, Zach should think more about a shitload of Snickers bars than committing armed robbery.
- There are much better ways to become a criminal laughingstock than unlawfully demanding money from a local merchant. For example, on next next foray into Felonyland, Zach could lose almost a half a million dollars worth of pot in a car jacking.
- At least Zach didn’t lose $20,000 cash in Vicious Murdering Drug Cartel Guy money and ask the cops to write him an excuse letter to the Bad Guys.
- Zach should put down the crack pipe.
- Zach is doomed to marry a Liberal woman. Who else would be stoopid enough to make a life long commitment to this idjit.
- Mom ain’t happy with Zach.
2013. That has a nice ring to it. Happy New Year to the Dumbass Horde!
As you know, over the last few days we have been passing out Dummy Awards in a plethora of categories to the most deserving Dumbasses of 2012. Before we get to The Big One, the 3rd Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Award, let’s take a quick look back at the “winners” thus far.
- Best Use of Duct Tape By a Nekkid Dumbass
- Best Use of 9-1-1 by a Drunk Dumbass
- The Flaming Dumbass Award
- Dumbass Dongs of 2012
What an outstanding group of Dumbasses! And to think, these maroons are winners in the preliminary categories! The excitement is overwhelming!
Don’t vapor lock on me yet. We’ll announce the Finalists and the Big Winner of the 3rd Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Award tomorrow! Vapor locking today would preclude you from experiencing this magnanimous occasion Wednesday. Your cooperation in this matter is greatly appreciated.
Today’s story is one of those things that could happen anywhere at any time. At first glance, it’s just another story of a politician that was using the public coffers for his own benefit and enrichment. That is what in legalese is known as “embezzlement”. Embezzlement is a serious no no and can land one in The Big House for an extended period of time if convicted.
But, there is more to this story than meets the eye.
Please permit me to expound.
A Mississippi mayor accused of misusing taxpayer money to buy personal items was indicted Tuesday on embezzlement, false pretense and making fraudulent statements charges.
Southaven Mayor Greg Davis has been under scrutiny since November 2011, when the Mississippi Auditor’s office told him to repay $170,000 for allegedly improper billings, including travel, food, liquor and one bill for $67 at Priape. <—-remember this word.
Like I told you up there^^^, there’s seemingly nothing more to the story than a small town Mayor ripping off the citizens to whom he is sworn to serve.
The Mayor has been charged with a bunch of other shit also and could very well end up serving a lengthy prison term.
But the best part of the story is yet to come.
Remember that word that I asked you to keep in mind? Priape. That’s French for “Priapos”. What is “Priapos? This is “Priapos”: In Greek mythology, Priapus or Priapos (Ancient Greek: Πρίαπος), was a minor rustic fertility god, protector of livestock, fruit plants, gardens and male genitalia. Priapus is marked by his absurdly oversized, permanent erection, which gave rise to the medical term priapism.
Do you see where this is going? No?
Let me splain.
NSFW Material Comin’ Up
The good Mayor spent at least $67 of taxpayer money at a place called Priape. Priape has to do with weenies and erections. OK, one more hint. EXTREME NSFW HOMO ALERT! This is Priape.
Yes! The Mayor is a Goober Gobbler!
He has been married for 18 years to Suzann and is the father of three daughters. Listen to what Mrs. Mayor Homo has to say about her husband, ‘Greg is a wonderful husband and girl-daddy,’ Suzann Davis was quoted as saying about her husband. ‘He can fix a broken toilet —- and do one of the best ponytails you have ever seen!’ Well, hell! Not only is the Mayor a great homo husband, he can fix toilets, make super ponytails and is a wonderful girl-daddy to top it all off. I bet he’s a fabulous decorator too.
I’m sure those are qualities that will serve the Mayor well as he enters the next phase of his life as a prison bitch. I mean, being able to “do one of the best ponytails you have ever seen” is certainly a resume enhancer in The Big House. And fixing broken toilets? To die for!
Oh, one more thing. The part about being a “girl-daddy”? That should be very appealing to a certain segment of the prison population.
Look, I don’t give a shit whether this guy is a homo, a hetero or a switch hitter, that’s his own bidness. What I do care about is that he stole from the very people who entrusted to him the Office of Mayor of Southaven, Mississippi and the duties and responsibilities of said office.
Instead, he screwed ’em. Now it’s his turn to get a good fucking – in the State Pen.
***Hat tip to The Daily Mail Online***