Category: Dumbass Criminal

NASCAR Bound? Crook Uses Golf Cart as Getaway Car!

Our Suspect?

Here at Dumbass News we pride ourselves in the fact that we find the cream of the crop of dumbassery. Well, that and the fact that we haven’t been caught plagiarising other peoples’ work – yet. But that’s a story for another day. We at Dumbass News also bring to you the World’s Greatest Dumbasses on riding lawnmowers. And after much research, we have expanded our Dumbasses on Lawn Care Machines to include Dumbasses on Golf Carts! Our next entry in this category, hopefully, will be Dumbasses on Hover Rounds.

Anyway, back to the golf carts and the dumbasses who drive them. The Villages is a retirement community down in Marion County, Florida. In other words, old, rich, white people live there, play golf, tennis and other sissy sports like badminton and croquet. One of the old, rich, white guys who lives at The Villages is Bob McNicol. Bob’s golf cart was stolen from his old, rich, white guy home by some not-so-rich, fat white guy. The not-so-rich fat white guy then went on a crime spree while driving the golf cart! This guy is in the Dumbass Hall of Fame by virtue of stealing stuff while on a stolen golf cart. Brilliant! The fat guy then drives the golf cart to a nearby shopping center and burglarizes a shed belonging to a restaurant at the shopping center. What does he steal from the shed? $240 worth of cooking oil! All I can figure is that the guy is planning a helluva chicken fry or he has one of those greenie weenie cars that runs on vegetable oil. I’m going with the chicken fry at this time because fat white guys don’t drive greenie weenie cars that run of vegetable oil. They do, however, eat a shitload of fried chicken. After heaping praise on this dumbass for his ingenuity, he does something that proves he’s just an ordinary, run-of-the-mill fat dumbass when he broke into a storage shed that belongs to a VA Hospital, where the dumbass took some cleaning supplies, a shovel and a ladder. I imagine that some of the guys at the VA Hospital have some creative uses for cleaning supplies, a shovel, a ladder and the thief’s anal cavity. But that’s just an educated guess on my part.

Be on the look out for a fat white guy in a blue shirt and blue shorts (that describes half the white guy population of Florida) who’s driving a white and tan EZ Go golf cart with a US Army sticker on the windshield. If you should see this man, confront him, beat the hell out of him and then call the VA Hospital for clever ways to shove cleaning supplies, a shovel and a ladder up his sorry thieving ass.

Dumbass.

Hat tip to msnbc.com

Advertisements

Want Attention from Your Boyfriend? Poison Him!

Best of Dumbass News

Vicki Jo

Vicki Jo Mills of McConnellsburg was feeling that her boyfriend, Thurman Nesbitt, was lax in his duties in doting over her. So, instead of new lingerie, perfume or hairdos, Vicki Jo, hatched a plan that would make Thomas notice her like she’d never been noticed before.

It has been my experience in life that men sometimes put other things in life ahead of their wives/girlfriends that leave the poor woman craving attention. To be fair, the things that men put first are worthy things like fishing, golf, likker, etc, but there’s absolutely no excuse for neglecting your woman by means other than these. I am sensitive to a woman’s needs that way.

Neglected wimmin often drop subtle little hints that you have not shown them enough attention lately. They’ll put on a new perfume, get a new hairdo, buy sexy lingerie or try to poison you.

At least that’s the way wimmin in Fulton County, Pennsylvania do things.

Neglected

She decided to poison him! Over a period of three years!

This certainly got Thurm’s attention. It also got the attention of his doctor.

During three years of fluctuating blood pressure, vomiting and difficulty breathing, Ole Sawbones called in the Law. From abc27.com, “According to investigators with the Pennsylvania State Police, Vickie Jo Mills used Visine eye drops to poison her boyfriend, Thurman Nesbitt, at least 10 times since June of 2009.
State police got involved in the case in mid-July after Nesbitt’s doctor contacted them. He had been treating Nesbitt for years for unexplained nausea and vomiting, elevating and dropping blood pressure, as well as difficulty breathing.
A test showed the main ingredient for eye drops, tetrahydrozoline, in Nebitt’s blood. Troopers questioned Mills, who admitted to putting eye drops in Nesbitt’s drinking water.” 

If at First You Don’t Succeed…

Vicki Jo has been charged with aggravated assault in the case, still she maintains that “she “never meant to kill” her boyfriend, but “only wanted him to pay more attention to her.”. I agree with VJ here. poisoning your significant other at least ten times is a definite scream for attention – attention from law enforcement, the District Attorney and a hangin’ judge.

Vicki Jo will also be a big hit in the PA Department of Corrections for Dumbass Wimmin’s “Ain’t She Got a Purty Ass” Division where Spike McGillacuddy forms a one Lezbean welcoming committee, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

Calls for Attention

Men, if you notice any of the more common “pay attention to me or I’ll cut off your gazebos or poison you” signs from your woman, do something immediately to ensure your own safety and happiness at home.

Tell the bitch to make you a sammich.

And get you a beer. Nothing says “I am paying attention to you” like that does.

And Vicki Jo? One word for you: batteries. Lots of batteries. You now have the attention you so are desperately craving.

Dumbass.

The Liberal Way to Get Rich: Make $60K a Year by Begging!

Hiya, Dumbasses! For today’s story, I want you to take notes. Yes, notes. I am going to present to you a way to knock out about $5000 a month. That’s 60 Large a year. get a pencil and paper, a cup of coffee, a poster bard and a Sharpie. This is going to be the easiest $60,000 a year you ever pulled in.

No, I am not selling anything nor am I asking you to buy anything. This is an honest to goodness safe and legal way to make a decent living doing nothing. By “nothing”, I of course mean “panhandling”. Begging. Asking people to give you money and you are obligated in no way to reciprocate the charity. You ask. They give. Easy, huh?

Beggars

We have all seen these guys in towns and cities all across the country. You know the ones. The guy who looks like he last had a shower in 1962 holding a sign that says something like, “Need $$$$ for Gas and Food”. Your friendly neighborhood WalMart store is a prime piece of real estate for these Dumbasses. So is a busy traffic intersection.

In my youth, I would be traveling somewhere in Texas on one of the Interstate Highways and see guys and gals standing on the side of the highway with people zipping by in automobiles at a 75 miles per hour clip. The hitch hiking Dumbass would be holding a small hand written sign that had his destination scribbled on it. For instance, I’d be headed south bound in I-35 from Dallas to Austin and some fool would be planted on the shoulder of the Interstate holding a piece of cardboard with the word “WACO” scribbled on it meaning he wanted to hitch a ride to Waco. I had a perfect answer for these maroons in the form of a bumper sticker that read “No Gas, No Grass, No Ass, No Ride”. And I meant it, too.

I knew the lazy fuck would have no money, so that’s one strike against him. Sometimes a hitcher would have a little weed to share so he’d hop in, we’d get high and he’d get to Waco. Women hitch hikers? I never expected nor wanted any ass from them, I just thought it was a funny way to end a bumper sticker’s pithy saying. There weren’t a helluva lot of females thumbing for rides, but if there was, I’d generally pull over and take her as far as I was going or to her destination, which ever was closer. If the chick looked like she was hungry, I’d stop and buy her something to eat and at the end of the ride slip her a few bucks and wish her good luck, wonder if she’d ever make it to where she was headed. I hope so.

Note Taking Time

I think I misspoke when I said get a pencil and paper earlier. I forgot for a moment that I am dealing with Dumbasses here. I meant to say “Get a crayon and some paper” with which to take notes. Or Doodle. Or eat the crayon. Like I give a shit.

Anyway, there’s a guy named Shane Warren who never hits an honest lick (for you Yoopers, that means he’s a shiftless bastard who doesn’t have nor want a job) and brings home the bacon to the tune of sixty thousand dollars a year! Sixty. Grand. A. Year. Things could be worse here. What is it that allows Shane to rake in the cheese at this rate? He’s a panhandler. A beggar. A lazy sonuvabitch. But a very successful lazy sonuvabitch.

This Dumbass does so well at making money of the generosity of others that, according to BusinessInsider, he makes about the same amount of money a year as an architect, appraiser or computer programmer analyst. This seems to bolster President YouDidn’tBuildThis’ argument that the private sector is doing OK. Now if we could just get the welfare cheats (I am talking the cheaters here, not everybody on assistance) and other lazy asswipes to start begging from someone besides the gubmint, the economy would be so hot it would spit sparks moving forward.

Shane Warren, $60K/year Beggar

Oh, yeah. Each day that Shane spends begging for food and travel money, he pays $200 for a panhandling permit, which he says is no problem. No shit?

Wasted Money

This story makes me think of my friends back home. People who went to trade school or college or something like that and have jobs that provide a service to their communities. People like Clay, who runs his own insurance agency. Or my dear sweet Anna (one of my favorite people EVER) who teaches Spanish and English to the white kids and Meskins. Or Joe the roofing guy, who is there in the hottest heat and the coldest cold repairing holes in roofs all over North Texas simply because people need it done – now. I think about these friends and about how they have sacrificed time and money helping others while guys like Shane Warren let others help him at a $5000 a month rate.

Some will say that Shane is a worthless dickweed sponging off the kindness of strangers while others will say he’s brilliant and is doing nothing wrong or immoral. Shady? Maybe.

I say that he’s got a great gig going on. He ain’t forcin’ anybody to throw some loose change in his direction, he’s just holding up a sign. When the well runs dry, Shane will get thirsty and will find some other way to quench his parched throat. I say more power to him. He ain’t rippin’ off taxpayers and he ain’t hurtin’ kids. Plus he’s carving out a pretty good existence for himself. I hope the IRS doesn’t bust his ass.

What do you think? Is Shane a crook? A genius? An Asshole? Tell us in the comments.

Crook, genius, asshole…I don’t know. But I do know that Shane Warren is my kind of guy.

A Dumbass.

***Photo courtesy koco.com***

7

Bank Robber Brags About Her Crime on You Tube! (w/Video)

I am a big fan of social media. Sites like Facebook and Twitter play a major role in my online life.

I use Facebook mainly to keep up with friends and family, exchanging the latest news about what’s going on in our respective parts of the world. I’m not much of a “talk on the phone” kind of guy. When you use the phone, there are a few things that can happen:

  1. The person you are calling will answer the phone because he’s home.
  2. The person you are calling has Caller ID and sees it’s you calling and will NOT answer the phone.
  3. The person you are calling is not home therefore your call goes unanswered anyway.
  4. The person you are calling is either not home or not taking calls and you get put through to a voice mail or answering machine. At this point you either leave a message or not.
  5. You leave a message which is never responded to. In Texas we say that this message is as useful as tits on a boar (male) hog.

Having said all that, I can guaran-damn-tee you that if you leave a message or comment on Facebook, the other party will be back in touch with you quick as a hiccup. Who needs a phone?

Lately, I have been partial to Twitter. Sure, the 140 character limit per tweet is sometimes a pain in the ass, but I get a lot of great information from my Twitter timeline. An advantage to using Twitter, for me at least, is that I have only about 250 Friends on Facebook, but I have over 1100 followers on Twitter. More followers means potentially more Dumbasses. If I post something that gets “re-tweeted” by a single person, it is then seen on his timeline by all of his followers as well. Maybe one of his followers “re-tweets” the same post, before you know it, your “tweet” is seen by tens of thousands of people. This is why I like to promote Dumbass News on my Twitter timeline. One “tweet” could net the blog a lot of hits.

And that’s a good thing.

Hannah Sabata

Bank Robber Confesses on You Tube

You Tube is arguably the most popular social medium in the world. It is the video version of Google. If you enter a term in the search box on You Tube, chances are you’ll come up with a corresponding video. People put all kinds of shit on You Tube. Even confession to a crime.

Nineteen year old Hannah Sabata of Waco, Nebraska did just that. She went on a crime spree that involved stealing a car and robbing a bank then made a video bragging (confessing) about her misdeeds and posted it to You Tube! Fucking brilliant.

So Hannah performed Grand Theft Auto and Armed Robbery because the State took away her baby because she was, according to the State of Nebraska, a piss poor excuse for a mother? But she’s a victim of the government! Well, hell, that makes perfect sense.

Hannah will now be relegated to doing whatever felons do in prison.

Looking on the bright side, when she’s released from the Big House she’ll have some great script ideas for one of those “Women Prisoners in Chains, Lezbeans on a Rampage” movies.

It’ll be an autobiography.

Dumbass.

Dumbass Killer Must Pay $36,000 for Victim’s Funeral

I have written many stories about dead people for Dumbass News. For a plethora (<==gratuitous El Guapo link) of reasons, I have deemed that each of these stories contained the requisite amount of dumbassery needed to make it into “print”.

Some Examples of Dead Guy Stories

Strangely enough, and befitting this blog, two of the most popular Dead Guy Stories involve sex. I’m tellin’ ya that there’s a lot of dyin’ goin’ on when people are bumpin’ uglies.

In one story, the woman said, “Ooooo Big Daddy make my day!” That’s when the gun went off. See for yourself.

Another Biggie is the one about the guy that was cheating on his wife and died during a threesome!

One of the most popular stories in the History of This Blog is about the Frozen Dead Guy of Nederland, Colorado. I used to live in Nederland, so I can personally vouch for the authenticity of the Frozen Dead Guy.

A Different Kind of Dead Guy Story

Deposit $36,000 Please

While the aforementioned tales of the crypt are certainly Dumbass News-worthy, the lack something that today’s Dead Guy Story has – revenge from the grave!

Here’s the thumbnail version: Guy kills another guy. Family of Dead Guy sues killer for the cost of the victim’s funeral. Judge grants Family of Dead Guy’s request. Nothing unusual – yet.

The Catch: Dead Guy was a member of Hmong (pronounced “mung”) religious sect. The thing is that Hmongs have large funerals. Very large funerals. In this case the Big Adios lasted more than three days and included food and drink for all 500 guests. The tab? Thirty-six large. $36,000. Thirty-six grand.

Upon getting the ruling, the Killer’s lawyer went ape shit, saying that the average funeral costs only about $8000. The Judge in the case told the defense attorney “tough toenails, asswipe”,your client owes these people 36 Great Big Ones. Hizzoner also stated that it didn’t appear to him that the Dead Guy’s Family was running up the tab, they were just following Hmong tradition.

That’s some tradition they’ve got goin’ on there. Hell, when the time comes for me to buy the farm, my survivors could invite everyone I know and 500 people wouldn’t show up. Those who do show up, however, can throw back more likker than 500 Hmongs. Easy. Don’t even get me started on how much food they could inhale.

And there ain’t a Hmong amongst ’em.

Dumbasses.

***Hat tip to FARK.com & The Journal-Times of Sheboygan***

 

DUI On a Bull Dozer!

Best of Dumbass News

Every story I write about on this blog has earned the right to call itself Dumbass News-worthy. But there is the occasional tale that is tailor-made for this blog like John Wayne was made to be a Cowboy. You know the kind of story I am talking about. One so perfect that you almost have to question its authenticity. That’s how the following story is. Hand meet glove. Enuff said.

Would you be surprised if I told you this perfect Dumbass story involved alcohol? And a guy with three names? And a bulldozer?

I didn’t think so.

B. U. I. (Bulldozing Under the Influence)

Cody Ray Gibbs had already been cited for DUI once before. He thought he was safe from a second one, so he went out and got tanked up with his buddies and finally it was time to go home. On the bulldozer he drove to the bar.

Here’s what the Atlanta Urinal-Constipation had to say: “Cody Ray Gibbs, 22, was allegedly under the influence of alcohol when he intentionally destroyed concrete curbing, erosion silt fence and landscaping at a construction site near Powder Springs where homes were to be built, according to an arrest warrant obtained by the Atlanta Journal-Constitution.
Gibbs did not have consent of the property owners to operate the bulldozer between 2 and 2:30 a.m. Aug. 2, the warrant states. The warrant does not state whether or not Gibbs was employed by the company that owned the bulldozer.
A week later, Gibbs was arrested and charged with second degree criminal damage, a felony. Property developers told police that damage was estimated at $10,000.”

What the Hell?

That is just one question I’d like to ask…what the hell? “What the fuck?” comes to mind as well. As does “are you friggin’ kiddin’ me?” Who does this guy think he is, George Jones? (It’s a long story, google “george jones + riding lawnmower” to get the deal)

Cody Ray “D – 9 Cat” Gibbs
  • What the heck was Cody Ray thinkin’ when he decided to take the dozer and go drinking in the first place.
  • Was he hoping to impress the chciks with his ride?
  • Between 2 and 2:30 AM? On a bulldozer? After a night of consuming large quantities of alcoholic beverages? Really?
  • What was he drinking and can I have some? Please.

What Next?

Guys have been busted for DUI on scooters, bikes, motorized wheel chairs and, like George Jones, on riding lawn mowers.The lesson here is that the drinking and driving laws in most states cover a wide range of vehicles for you to get popped on if you are plowed and driving one of them.

So, all you Dumbass Drunks out there take heed. You could be next to be arrested for DUI on a horse or something.

Next thing you know they’ll make it illegal to be fubared and drive a school bus.

Dumbasses.

Dumbass Robs Bank, Goes Back for More!

It’s happened to me a hundred times. And it’s probably happened to you as well.

I am talking about patronizing the drive thru at a joint like McDonalds, placing your order, paying for it only to get home and find out that you have been short changed an order of fries or something. So, whaddaya do? You go back to The Arches and retrieve the stuff you should have been given in the first place and maybe get a coupon for a free Big Mac redeemable on your next visit to McD’s. Or you simply eat (pun intended) the price of the forgotten item.

This got me to thinkin’, “What if something like this were to happen to a bank robber?” Actually I didn’t think that. It’s just my way of segueing into today’s Dumbass News. Clever, huh?

We have done stories about bank robbery before including this one about a guy that knocks off a bank then brags about it on Facebook! There’s also the one about the idiot that tried to disguise himself by putting underwear on his head and the Dumbass who robbed a bank and took a getaway bus in order to escape! But today’s story may top them all.

The Scene

Picture yourself in Syracuse, New York. Or if you’d rather not, I understand. But Syracuse is where this story takes place, so deal with it.

Anyway, 1001 James Street in Syracuse is home to Alliance Bank. It is also the site of one of the stoopidest crimes in Syracuse annals.

The Heist

Arthur

Twenty-eight year old Arthur Bundrage was out of crack cocaine one day when he got a great idea. “Today is a great day to rob a bank!”, he thought. So Arthur moseyed on over to the aforementioned Alliance Bank at 1001 James Street where he promptly walked in and demanded $20,000 in cash from one of the bank’s tellers. The teller refused. Again, Arthur ordered the teller to fork over the 20 large. This time bank employee relented (maybe Arthur said “please”) and crammed some cash into a bag and handed it over to Arthur. Arthur then split the scene. The bank called 911.

This story doesn’t end here, however.

So Arthur pulled the bank job, left the scene of the crime, the cops have been notified and are on the way to the bank and what does the Dumbass do? He looks at his ill-gotten gains and determines that the bank teller did not give him the full 20 grand that he demanded. It is at this point that we find out that Arthur Bundrage is about as smart as a spit wad.

Unsatisfied with his haul, Arthur heads back into the bank to get the rest of the $20,000! He got there about the same time the cops did.

He was arrested without incident.

Dumbass.

***Hat tip to and photo courtesy of syracuse.com***