Category: Dumbass Criminals

Dumbass Kiwi Blows 3 Times Legal DUI Limit, Pees on Breathalyzer

Best of Dumbass News

At last count, Dumbass News was being read by idiots nice folks in 157 countries around the globe. A few hundred of our fellow Dumbasses reside in New Zealand. I don’t remember if we have ever had a story about a Kiwi Dumbass before or not.

So now, New Zealand, it’s your turn in the spotlight because our Dumbass today is one of your own!

You can thank me for shining the disinfectant of sunlight upon the dregs of your civil society later.

Drunk Driving

On the surface this story appears to be a fairly routine drunk driving story. But if you dig a little deeper, you get the details that qualify this tale as a bit, shall we say, “unique”? No we shall not say “unique”, we shall say stoopid as fuck.

Not only did the Dumbass in Question, 26 year old Ryan Scott Thompson of Christchurch, get wasted and drive an automobile, he drove said automobile into an old woman’s house scaring the poor lady out of her wits. Luckily there were some neighbors who witnessed the accident and were able to come to the aid of the Little Old Lady and subdue the suspect until the cops got to the scene.
The New Zealand Herald picks up the story from there, “Thompson blew almost three times the legal breath-alcohol limit after smashing into Dawn Sanders’ living room where she had been sitting moments earlier just after 10pm on July 23.

He pleaded guilty to all charges at his first appearance in the district court and was fined and ordered to pay $1500 in “emotional harm” reparation to Mrs Sanders
Neighbours who rushed to Mrs Sanders’ aid detained the grossly intoxicated but uninjured Thompson until police arrived.
Police said he was unable to walk unaided or coherently answer questions.

After Thompson recorded a breath-alcohol reading of 1137mcg/L (Ed.- which means “drunk as fuck” in the American version) at the police station, a police officer was completing paperwork when he heard the sound of running water, according to the summary of facts.”

That sound of running water? Thompson was caught pissing on the breathalyzer tubes at the police station! Now, to my way of thinking, taking a leak anywhere but in the Toilet at the Cop Shop precludes any claim of innocence or police misconduct. In other words, you have been busted, Dumbass! The Herald adds, “The 301 contaminated tubes had to be destroyed. (Ed.- Ya think?!)

Thompson admitted drinking and driving but was unable to offer any explanation. He was taken to Christchurch for detoxification.
Judge Graham Hubble disqualified Thompson from driving for nine months on the excess breath-alcohol charge and a concurrent three months on the careless use count.
He was fined $200 for wilful damage.”

Questions and Comments Abound

  • “Disqualified from driving” for nine months? WTF? The guy blew a “drunk as fuck” on the Breathalyzer for Christchurch’s sake! He ought to be disqualified from doing anything but nine months of Kiwi Prison Bitchery. In a homo prison.
  • Aside form the fact that the Dumbass crashed into a house, the dude nearly killed a Little Old Lady in the process, and he gets fined $1500? You’re kidding, right, Judge Hubble? Right?
  • The Kiwis ain’t nearly as Bad Ass as the Aussies. 
  • The “sound of running water” is too fucking funny.
  • Pissin’ on the Drunk Detectors is also too fucking funny.

So, my dear Kiwi Dumbasses, you may now bask in your moment of glory. You have officially made it to Big Time when you have made it to Dumbass News. And when I say “Big Time” I mean you have hit rock bottom.

For your self-esteem and emotional well-being (and the fact that Judge Hubble still has a job) you should do your penance by donating a large sum of money through the PayPal Donate Button in the right sidebar to Dumbass News. I’ll fly down and have a nice long talk with Judge Hubble. Over a couple of beers of course.

I know it would make me feel better. And “drunk as fuck”.

Dumbasses.

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Military Meatballs Mean Mayhem for Maid!

The Gubmint of the United States of America is a big bidness. And like thousands of other bidnesses around the country, they contract out many services to non-gubmintal entities. For instance, it is not uncommon for a company to contract out for janitorial and cleaning services. In one of the few things it does right, the Federal Gubmint does exactly that, outsources jobs that are better served by private bidnesses.

Cadets at West Point

An example of this job outsourcing is evident at the United States Military Academy at West Point, New York.

One of the many non-gubmintal entities employed by The Academy is a company named Watson Services. Watson provides, among other things, food services at West Point.

Enter The Meatballs

Estelle Casimir has been employed by Watson Services for 28 years, by all accounts a loyal and productive employee.

Until she came across The Meatballs.

You see, Estelle’s primary responsibilities at West Point lie in the Housekeeping Department. In the Housekeeping Department there are no specified duties in the Official Watson Services Housekeeping Department Employee Manual relating to meatballs.

As you may have surmised by now, The Meatballs play a large role in today’s story.

It was a normal day the day that The Meatballs came into Estelle Casimir’s life. That day ceased to be normal the moment West Point Authorities found Estelle in an area on campus that did not relate to her duties as a housekeeper. This does not bode well for Estelle. But wait! Things are about to take a dramatic turn.

Not only was Estelle in area that had nothing to do with her work assignment, she was found to be in possession of The Meatballs! Normally, this would not be such a big deal, but it is alleged that Estelle stole The Meatballs from the campus Mess Hall! Again seemingly no biggie. Reprimand or terminate the offender. Right?

Wrong

These were no run of the mill meatballs. These meatballs were Property of the United States Army, hence, Property of the United States Gubmint! Stealing something from the Gubmint of the United States of America is a very large no-no. Unless of course you are an Elected Official, then you have carte blanche to steal away, meatballs included.

To be fair, Estelle denies any wrongdoing in this matter, but the Federal Gubmint stands by its assertions. Nonetheless, Estelle Casimir faces a $1000 fine and/or a year in a Federal Stockade!

She’s been suspended from her position at Watson Services and has been unsuccessfully looking for housekeeping work.

And more meatballs.

Dumbass.

Happy Hour: $102,000 Hooch Goes Down the Gullet

Once upon a time Fearless Leader was a Professional Drinker. As with all good things, this, too, came to an end.

Since You Asked 

  • No I did not waste my time on 12 Step Program.
  • I went through a One Step Program. 
  • Cold Turkey.
  • Over 3 years ago.
  • I was not an alcoholic.
  • Alcoholics go to meetings.
  • I was a Drunk.
  • No meetings required.
  • Mrs. Fearless Leader threatened to throw me out on my sorry ass if I didn’t stop boozin’.
  • She meant it.
  • That was my One Step Program.
  • No. Alcohol has not crossed my lips since then.
  • Amen.

Why?

Now, “why”, you must be asking yourself, “would Fearless Leader give us a glimpse into a very private and personal part of his life?”

In spite of my best efforts to leave some kind of “I’m Not an Alcoholic, I’m a ‘Drunk’ Legacy”, all I left behind was a million or two empty beer bottles, a not uneasy task, but nonetheless not nearly as historic as what a guy in Pennsylvania accomplished.

Here is the story of John W. Saunders, mansion caretaker, and The Case(s) of Missing Whiskey:

The mystery of the missing whiskey has all the elements of a page-turner: a beautiful estate, a century in time, a thirsty thief and a bit of DNA on the lip of a bottle.

The story began to unfold in 2012, when Patricia Hill of New York bought a turn-of-the-century mansion in Scottdale built by J.P. Brennan, a coal and coke industrialist. During an $800,000 renovation to convert it into South Broadway Manor Bed and Breakfast, Hill discovered hidden in the walls and stairwell nine cases of Old Farm Pure Rye Whiskey bottled in 1912 at the West Overton Distilling Co. in nearby West Overton.

“My guess is that Mr. Brennan ordered 10 cases … pre-Prohibition,” Hill said. “I was told by his family that family members used to greet him at the door each day with a shot of whiskey.”

The live-in caretaker, 62-year-old John W. Saunders of Irwin, helped Hill move and dust off the whiskey several times.

One day, Hill found there was little left to dust.
Whiskey Bent & Hell Bound 
There was “little left to dust” because over a period of time John W. Saunders saw fit to consume fifty-two bottles of the Old Farm. Keep in mind that this whiskey was bottled between 1912 and 1917, before the 18th Amendment to the United States Constitution went into effect. When you think of the Good Ole 18th, think Prohibition. In other words, this was some Historical Hooch. About $102,000 worth of Historical Hooch.
Upon being confronted about this Whiskey-a-Go-Go, John W. said (I swear I am not making this up) that the hooch probably evaporated and that because it was old, it was “probably no good.” What. The. Fuck. “Hundred year old whiskey ain’t worth a shit” said No. One. Ever! 
This statement, and the matter of his DNA being found on some of the whiskey bottles,was John W.’s undoing. Once the Police stopped laughing, about a week later, John W. Saunders was arrested and charged. He must now navigate the legal system and hope for the best. And by “hope for the best” I of course mean “pray like hell that he won’t spend a good portion of the rest of Natural Born Days as an anal pin cushion” for guys named Shagnasty and Pumpkin, IYKWIMAITYD.
Dumbass.

***Image from triblive.com***

Mamas Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Dumbasses – Again

Best of Dumbass News

Redneck Bottle Rocket

What is a Redneck? A Redneck is a hard-working harder livin’, God-fearing, take no shit and will kill a sonuvabitch that presents a clear and present danger to him or his family kind of a man. A Redneck is a man who will help his neighbor because it’s the right thing to do, not because some Yankee Liberal dickweed from the Gubmint forced him to do so.  Rednecks love music and often have a little band that plays places like the VFW on weekends. He loves Lynyrd Skynyrd, Hank Williams, Jr, Willie and Waylon and George Jones. Regardless of what some guy whose closest encounter with the South is bucket of chicken from the Colonel, not all Rednecks are stoopid. Or dumbasses. The great majority of us are pretty good people. That’s the short version of what a Redneck is. I am a Redneck. I am proud to be a Redneck and anybody that doesn’t like Rednecks can kiss my Redneck ass. Now we can get to today’s story. Provided of course that you didn’t kiss my ass and split the scene.  🙂

However, Some Rednecks ARE Stoopid 

There are dumbasses in every segment and ethnicity of the American people. I am sad to say it, but that includes Rednecks. But a Dumbass Redneck is a higher quality of Redneck than any segment of the other Dumbasses in our society. It’s in the Bible, I think. Look under St. Jim Bob, Ch1, Vs1. Rednecks like Mark Wach of Palm City, Florida are the kinds of Rednecks that give the rest of us a bad name. Why?

Why 

Mark was, as we Rednecks say, drunk. In his state of intoxication, Mark was having a nice, normal bit of Redneck Fun by blasting away with his firearms. Shooting a gun while drunk is against all that a normal Redneck believes in, therefore Mark is in serious danger of losing his Redneck Card and being forced to un-learn the Top Secret Redneck Handshake. If he can’t un-learn it, then we’ll just kill him. Anyway…Mark was firing off a few rounds on his property when he and his son got into an altercation. The son was all out of whack not simply because Mark was shooting his guns, the son was pissed because Mark was shooting the son’s lawn mower which was in the son’s yard. Where I’m from, we call this Wednesday. As usual, the cops showed up and spoiled the fun. Mark was quick to point out to the fuzz that “this is what Redneck people do.” This is true. But 99% of the time, we did stuff like this before we got bombed. After we got lit up real good, we would move on to much safer Redneck activities. Stuff like playing horse shoes. With the horse shoes still on the horse! Those were mighty good times. Except for the horses.

Why, Mark? 

I do not endorse or condone using a firearm while drunk. That is completely unacceptable at any time. Aside from that minor detail, Mark and his son, I think his name is Bobby Bob, were doing nothing more than having a good old Redneck Hootnanny. However, Mark did some stoopid shit and it gives all Rednecks a bad name.

Here’s some brother to brother, man to man, Redneck to Redneck advice: next time you want to get to’ down, put the weapons away! Play horse shoes. But make sure the horse is cool with it first. Trust me on this one.

Dumbass.

Tip for Removing Wedding Rings: Glock 9mm

Have you ever had trouble removing a ring from your finger?

Me, too.

I have learned over the years that when I do a lot of strenuous work that involves using my hands for an extended period of time, like gardening, my fingers swell up just enough that taking off a ring ain’t as easy as it should be.

I have used several methods of stuck ring removal with varying degrees of success – cold water, soap, butter and others that escape me at the moment.

A Dumbass in Bradford, Pennsylvania has come up with a ring removal idea that is sure to take the Dumbass Horde by storm!

Let me splain.

Wedding Ring Blues 

For some damn reason, known only to himself, Alfredo Fortunato Malespini III (is that an Eye-talian name or what?) wanted his wedding ring off his finger, and he wanted it off there bad.

I’m not sure whether or not Alfredo used any cold water, soap or butter in order to get his wedding ring off his finger, but he was persistent in his quest to be ringless. After considerable deliberation, Alfredo finally found a solution to his dilemma!

Grab a hand gun and shoot the wedding ring off his finger!

Now, to the uninitiated, this may seem to be a bit extreme. And that’s because it is, you Dumbass! Who in his right fucking mind would use a firearm to remove a wedding ring from his finger?! Alfredo Fortunato Malespini III, that’s who!

Seriously, Big Al corralled a pistol, carefully took aim at his wedding band and BANG! Problem solved. Sort of.

Alfredo managed to blast his ring finger into oblivion, but there was a slight hitch in his plan. He blew his digit off, but the ring remained on the stump where a moment ago there was a perfectly good ring finger.

I guess it is necessary to the plot to inform you that during this whole deal Alfredo Fortunato Malespini III was, according to police officers who answered the call about a Dumbass shooting off his finger, extremely intoxicated. Ya think?

There’s one more little twist to this story. Alfredo is employed as a prison guard!

Malespini has been charged with a bunch of gun-related shit and could end up sharing a cell with some of the very people he was paid to supervise. Can you say “prison bitch“? I have a sneaky feeling that if Alfredo ends up in the Slammer, the boys in Cell Block D will invent new ways to play “Hide the Sausage” with him.

Suggestions for Alfredo 

  • For any future wedding ring removal, try cold water, soap or butter.
  • Don’t wear a ring.
  • Don’t stay married so you won’t be obliged to wear a wedding ring.
  • Lay off The Sauce.
  • Next time, aim lower. Your nut sack would be a good place to start.
  • Have fun in Cell Block D.
  • And here’s the obligatory “don’t drop the soap” warning.

Dumbass.

Chicago Gun Control Laws Lead to Bullet Wound in Weenie!

Chicago.

Chi-town.

The Windy City.

The Second City.

Gun Control Capital of the United States. Hence, Murder Capital of the United States.

Closing in on being The Dumbass Capital of the United States of America, but, for the moment, Florida has the most concentrated Dumbass per capita ratio in The Fruited Plain. Chicago, on the other hand, does lay claim to being The City With the Highest Concentration of Powerful Dumbasses in the United States of America.

A quick roll call of Powerful Dumbasses with Ties to Chicago:

  • President of the United States
  • Mayor of Chicago, Rahm Emanuel
  • Rev. Jesse Jackson
  • Jesse Jackson, Jr.
  • Father Michael Pfleger
  • Rev. Jeremiah Wright
  • William Ayers, Terrorist
  • Bernadette Dohrn, (Mrs. Wm. Ayers)
  • Jay Cutler, QB, Chicago Bears
  • Chicago White Sox

That’s quite a list, ain’t it?

The Powerful Dumbasses on The List better make room, because it looks like Chicago has a rising Powerful Dumbass-in-Waiting and at the rate this Young Dumbass is going, he’ll be on The List by his 18th birthday. If he lives that long.

Gun Go BOOM!

The Protagonist in our Dumbass Drama today is but 17 years old.

Shooters of Weenies***

Our Protagonist was chillin’ wit sum hoes (a little South Side lingo there) in Northwest Chi-Town one night recently when he thought he’d be cool. And, as you might have guessed, by “be cool” I mean “do something extraordinarily fucked up”.

The kid with the bleeding weenie called the cops. He told them that two guys dressed like ninjas jumped out of a black van and summarily shot him in his package. Then he changed his story. Then he changed his story again. And again. He went on lying to the cops until he got tired of his weenie bleeding like a stuck pig when finally ‘fessed up.

The Young Dumbass was hospitalized and he’ll be fine in due time.

WTF?

The last paragraph in this story as written on HuffPo goes like this: As of Saturday, multiple reports indicated it was unclear what charges the boy would face, if any. According to the state’s criminal code, giving false reports to police could be classified disorderly conduct and punishable by fines.

“What charges, if any…”? Are you fucking kidding me? You mean “if any” like discharging a firearm within the city limits? No kind of “recklessness with a deadly weapon”-type charges? How about possession of an unregistered pistol? Granted, the HuffPo story doesn’t say that the gun is unregistered, but you can bet your bottom dollar that it ain’t.

“But, Fearless Leader,” you plea, “how can you be so sure of that?”

It’s really quite simple. With the kind of draconian and, in my opinion, unconstitutional, gun control measures in Chicago, along with the Commie mainstream media’s leftist bias concerning firearms, if this pistol was in fact a registered weapon, they (the media and every Illinois politician within range of a TV news camera) would have pounded that point home with Thor’s hammer.

Did I mention that the Powerful Dumbass-in-Waiting came clean to the police about being affiliated with at least one Chicago gang?

“What charges, if any…” Really?

Fucking Dumbasses.

***Photo from Huffington Post via Alamy***

Traffic Stop Yields Drugs in Guy’s Prosthetic Leg and in Lady’s Hiney!

When it comes to stories about what lengths drug users and dealers go to to hide their stash, we’ve had some humdingers here on Dumbass News. A cursory search of the blog archives turns up several examples of the innovative methods tweakers employ when smuggling or simply concealing their narcotics:

  • A Nigerian guy living in Brazil planned for his retirement by sending nearly six pounds of cocaine to his native land in roasted chickens!
  • A couple of stoopid bitches were doin’ a solid for a boyfriend by trafficking more than a kilo of coke in their hair weaves! 
  • Fake boobs aren’t just for beauty pageant contestants and strippers any more. A Panamanian lady attempted to haul three pounds of blow into Barcelona in her breast implants! 
  • Not to be outdone, a guy named Dave was busted for having a mobile meth lab in his underwear!

These Dumbasses are pikers compared to the group of jizzwhistlers (thanks @ToddKincannon !) you will learn about today.

Brake Lights Ain’t All That Are Busted

Up the Ass & In the Leg

Four fine young Dumbasses were driving around in Charlotte County, Florida, minding their own bidness when a mean ole Charlotte County Sheriff’s Deputy pulled them over because the brake lights on their tan Hyundai were not working.

As per Standard Long Arm of the Law Operating Procedure, upon approaching the occupants of the
automobile, Deputy Dawg asked all four of the idjits in the car if they were in possession of guns, swords, stash, contraband or nuke-u-lar weapons. All four responded “negatory” and granted the cop permission to search the car.

This is OK if you have nothing to hide, but if you are holding illegal narcotics on your person, this can quickly, as they say, turn around and bite you in the ass. Such was the case when the Law asked one of the passengers if he had any drugs hidden in his prosthetic leg. He did.

It was at this point of the investigation that the fun began. If you were the Cops. The four suspects? Not so much.

Here a Drug, There a Drug, Everywhere a Drug Drug

Now the Fuzz has the right to really start a serious examination of not only the car, but the Four Dumbasses as well. 

The driver of the car, a woman, was found to be concealing a bag of some nasty shit (morphine and hydromorphine) in her bra. She also confessed to having a hydromorhine pill in her wallet laying on the front seat of the car. At this time, she performed the Old Fake-a-rooni Evasive Maneuver on the Deputy, raced over to her wallet, quickly grab said pill and swallowed it!

During a further inspection of the car, the cops found some other shit, including some hypodermic needles.

Then it happened.

The lady ‘fessed up and admitted that she had one more hypo hidden on her person.

In. Her. Ass.

Now, I’m not a user of illegal drugs, but if I were, and I learned that the needle I was about to use to main line some morphine had been hidden in some chick’s asshole, it is at this exact moment that I would become an ex-illegal drug user. Pronto. “Tainted” narcotics (see what I did there?) be damned.

It won’t be long now that the young lady’s ass will be used for more than concealing hypodermic needles. See: Lezbeans in Prison movies.

Dumbasses.

***Hat Tip Sun Sentinel and HuffPo***
***Photo From SunSentinel***