A couple of years ago, I started a feature on Dumbass News called Dumbass Newspaper Headlines. DNH was so popular that I decided to make them a regular part of the blog.
Last night I was considering writing a new post of Dumbass Newspaper Headlines, when all of the sudden I thought about a little blurb I saw in a small town Texas newspaper about twenty years ago. This long ago and faraway memory got me to thinking that newspapers have some pretty damn funny stuff in them besides the stoopid headlines. Of course, there’s the occasional typo that completely alters the intended meaning of a sentence, but there is also another very important part of a newspaper that can provide an unintentional belly laugh – the classified ads!
With this in mind, I used my Fearless Leader Google Fu and came upon some damn funny classifieds floating around the ether. AmIageniusorwhat?
So, Fellow Dumbasses, without further ado, I present to you the Very First Edition of Dumbass Newspaper Classified Ads!
Keep in mind that these are actual ads run in actual newspapers all across the country.
Dammit! I was looking for a used tombstone that said”Smith”.
Winter time can be awful lonely in Boise.
I want some of what this guy’s smokin’.
Well that narrows down the search!
Throw in a young stripper and it’s a deal.
Beauty is skin deep, but ugly is to the bone.
Just in case you are ever chased by a dog in a foreign country. Or a foreign dog for that matter.
That’s the Christmas Spirit!
This must be an ad for Bud’s Medical Center.
And last but not least…
Wanna go shopping, Ladies?
Things didn’t go as well as planned for Mrs. Fearless Leader’s surgery yesterday, but thank God she is doing fine. It’s a long story I won’t go into, but suffice it to say it was an excruciating ordeal. We are all exhausted, to say the least.
She just ordered me to make her a sammich, so I guess the anesthesia has worn off.
Best of Dumbass News
A couple of weeks ago I wrote that all you Dumbasses had a reason to get fat. Or fatter as the case may be. That was because July was National Ice Cream Month. It’s a good thing that July ended and we are now wrapping up the first week of August. Now you can’t use ice cream as a crutch to pork up with.
I have yet another reason for you civic-minded Dumbasses to stay below three bills.
Let me splain.
Down in New York a fat guy died. That’s not so unusual as fat people die every day. So do skinny folks. And those in between. When the Big Guy calls your number, there ain’t nuthin’ you can do about it, fat, skinny or medium. It’s AMF (AMF = Adios Mother Fucker)
Anyway, the Fat Guy died of a heart attack and in his will he left his body to science. Problem is, Science didn’t want it. Why? You guessed it. It was too fat! What this Dead Fat Guy’s rather obese (he weighed in at over 300lbs.) corpse ever did to Science, I don’t know. Don’t Dead Fat Guys have something to contribute to Science after they buy the farm?
I just don’t get it. Couldn’t Science dissect this Dead Fat Guy’s body like a frog in 10th grade biology class and learn something from it? Like some shit about heart disease or diabetes or Twinkies. Something! After all, the guy was nice enough to suffer a massive coronary and keel over and leave his remains to Science. What if this particular corpse held the secret to curing some currently incurable illness?
Science is an ungrateful bitch, ain’t it?
Enter Dead Fat Guy’s Family
We now know that Science turned down the Dead Fat Guy’s habeus corpus christi cum laude McDonaldus. Which is more than could be said for the Dead Fat Guy’s Faimly. Science waited a full thirteen days before giving the unwanted corpus dilecti back to the bereaved.
It is at this point that The Bereaved became The Pissed Off.
I am not a Scientist but if my memory and common sense serve me correctly, a Dead Fat Guy can become a Dead Fat Decomposed Blob after a few days, much less nearly two weeks.
Which brings out the curiosity in me.
- If Science is so smart, how is it that it forgets to refrigerate a Dead Fat Guy while he is being turned down by Science itself? A body kept at the proper ambient temperature wouldn’t rot that fast, would it? Inquiring Dumbasses wanna know.
- Now, if Science did indeed forget to properly preserve the remains of the Dead Fat Guy, wouldn’t it, you know, notice that he was doing the ashes to ashes thing?
- If not, why?
- I don’t know.
The Pissed Off, formerly the Dead Fat Guy’s Family, was not amused to the point of filing a lawsuit against Science! Science in this case being the hospital that let the Dead Fat Guy rot to hell. To be fair, the hospital said it tried to donate the Dead Fat Guy to various Dead Fat Guy Body Snatchers but had no takers. Still, thirteen days? I think that if the Dead Fat Guy were the Alive Fat Guy and knew all this was going on, his feelings would be hurt. But he’s still AMF’ed and he doesn’t give a shit one way or the other.
Again, I am not a Scientist, but even a Dumbass like me knows that you don’t let a Dead Fat Guy lay around for thirteen days before returning the body to whomever. Why couldn’t these Smarty Pants Science Guys at least fake accepting the Dead Fat Guy? It seems to me that that would be much more “scientific”, not to mention a lot nicer, than giving back a decomposed Dead Fat Guy after thirteen days. Could Science have not just taken out a spleen or gizzard or something and fulfilled the Dead Fat Guy’s last wishes and saved The Pissed Off from being pissed off and filing lawsuits. This is what’s known in the vernacular as “covering your ass”. The Dead Fat Guy’s Family would have been none the wiser, still grieving over the loss of their loved one and out of court. Now, though, they are The Pissed Off and a certain medical facility has a lot of splainin’ and a lot of check writin’ to do to The Pissed Off.
It all could have been much more pleasant and diginified had Science simply sent back the Dead Fat Guy within a day or two. Postage paid, of course.
Scientifically speaking, Science is a….
Here’s a little diddy I wrote a little over a year ago. It comes from the Dumbass News Overseas Dumbass Bureau, UK Division
Best of Dumbass News
|These Puppies Need a Sweater|
Boobs are wonderful things . I love boobs. They provide nourishment to millions of babies around the world as they have throughout history. They also make tremendous sweater puppies during the right time of year. Nothing like a tight sweater holdin’ those puppies up and
ogling like a pervert observing a wonder of Nature. But even boobs can be taken too far.
For example…there’s a dumbass Mom in the UK who was thoughtful enough to give ” her daughter Poppy a $10,000 voucher for breast augmentation surgery for her seventh birthday, UK tabloid Closer reports.” Poppy, the daughter, is SEVEN years old and she’s gonna have a rack. What the fuck is the dumbass mother thinking? There is one stipulation here. Poppy cannot get her boobs until she’s 16. If she naturally develops large hooters on her own, Poppy will receive other great prizes like a computer. I have a sneaky feeling that if Poppy ends up with bigguns through the natural way, she’ll end up on AOL showing them to horny men around the planet on her brand new computer!
Maybe Poppy’s mom has some effect on her daughter when it comes to fake tits and such. From the article,
“The 50-year-old has supposedly dropped more than $800,000 on her own plastic surgeries and plans to have her daughter watch her next series of treatments, slated for later this year. Burge remarked, “I want Poppy to see what will happen. Some people think it’s controversial and I get angry when strangers say I’m a bad mother because I don’t think there’s any harm in giving her this gift.”She added, ( I am shocked!- ed.) “Poppy is a normal kid who is good at sports and loves playing outside. Girls don’t want Snow White and Cinderella any more….I’m just supporting her and making her dreams come true.”
It’s clear to me now. Fake knockers and and a few hundred grand on cosmetic surgery, on “normal kids”, of course, will make them popular and successful in life. Or a hooker with fake ta-tas who is “good at sports and loves playing outside”. I’ll bet.
Since we had so much fun earlier, let’s do it again!
Here’s another edition Dumbass Newspaper Headlines!
I bet the cougar enjoyed that!
If you can’t beat ’em….
I bet that was real hard to do.
I’m sure the Colonel would be proud.
Does that mean wear less pink?
A true Hero!
Get more Dumbass Newspaper Headlines here!
OK Dumbasses from 145 countries around the Globe it’s time once again for the blogosphere’s favorite daytime fun show “Let’s Give the Reader Brain Damage!” or as it is commonly referred to, Dumbass Newspaper Headlines!
Remember, these are actual newspaper headlines that somehow made it to press without being altered. In other word’s some editor was drunk, stoned, asleep or all three when these headlines got published.
In the South these kinds of people are referred to as “idjits”.
They were looking for guys with knives.
Ya don’t say!
The question is, “Whose Civil War?”
FAIL is right.
And in other news: Elvis is Still Dead.
I got nuthin.
Even more Dumbass Newspaper Headlines!
Since yesterday was Fathers Day, I can only assume that many of you have Little Dumbasses running around your basement. However, many other members of the Dumbass Horde are not so fortunate as to have children. Some Dumbasses have not gotten their wives /girlfriends knocked up yet, while other Dumbasses pay the neighbor to boink their old ladies in hopes of putting a bun in the oven. There are also some Dumbasses who wouldn’t know what to do with a vagina if it bit them in the face. I gotta tell you that it’s my firm personal belief that a biting vagina wouldn’t be much fun anyway, so I won’t yank anyone’s Dumbass Card – yet. I’ll review such cases on its own individual merits. Finally, we have Dumbasses who are – how do I say this delicately? – homos. I have nothing against Dumbasses who are queers as they are valuable member of The Horde. Besides, many gayrod Dumbasses get all worked up over me calling them homos and therefore giving me more ammunition that 1) proves they are indeed homos and 2) some funny shit to write about. I love our prissy homo Dumbases. In a brotherly kind of way of course. Besides, I need someone to design my Fearless Leader wardrobe and who better to turn to than a diva homo?
Speaking of biting vaginas…
Is That a Squid in Your Mouth or Are you Just Happy to See Me?
Those wacky Koreans are at it again.
There’s this lady in Seoul, South Korea who went to a local eatery to grab a bite to eat. She placed her order which included fatback, grits and fired tripe….oh wait! That’s the wrong South I’m thinking of. I kill me sometimes.
Anyway, this nice Korean lady goes out to eat and once at the cafe, placed her order for squid. She was really hungry by the time her squid got to her so she began to slam it down like Charlie Sheen pounds down expensive sham-pain. During the chewing process, the nice Korean lady experienced a small problem with her cephalopod.
It was alive!
Wait’ll you hear this: The squid injected its sperm bag into her tongue, according to research published in February.
The unidentified woman reportedly experienced a “pricking and foreign-body sensation” while she chewed and spat the squid out. She had to go to the hospital when she felt severe pain and several “small, squirming” creepy crawlies in her mouth.
Doctors found that the squid had left “twelve small, white spindle-shaped, bug-like organisms” in the mucous membranes of her tongue and cheek.
Indeed, the woman’s mouth had been essentially inseminated.
Upon reading this love story about a squid and a Korean lady’s mouth, no less than 48 quintillion thoughts came to mind. For brevity’s sake (and the fact that I have no idea how to count to 48 quintillion), I shall narrow those racing thoughts into a manageable number – like 2 or 3.
- Can a nice Korean lady become impregnated by squid sperm working its way down her gullet? BTW, Stephen King (Big Steve is a fellow resident of Maine) this is my theory and would make a great book about Korean/Squid Crossbreeding, so don’t even think about stealing my idea here. This idea is now “in print” as having originated here on Dumbass News, therefore it is © ® and other legal shit. I am sure, however, that we can work something out. Call my people. Dumbass.
- How does one go about complaining to the manager of the joint that a squid just unloaded in your mouth? I have several ideas, but none of them are for public consumption.
- Does the nice Korean lady swallow?
- Will sperm sack-squirting squid in the mouth become “The Next Big Thing” in the Homo Community?
In order of the questions posed above.
- Stephen King will love my alien/squid/Nice Korean Lady cross-boinking idea and write a best seller about it. I will get my due credit and recognition for being a sick sonuvabitch. A RICH sick, twisted SOB. Steve, email me, baby. We’ve got business to do.
- See above.
- If so, she has a bright future in the Nice Squid Sperm Swallowing Korean Lady porn industry.
Note to self: No more squid for me. Leave it for the homos.
You gotta remember that these are actual newspaper headlines and classified ads, not something that I made up. So, let’s get to this week’s Dumbass Newspaper Headlines!
Computers are as much a part of our daily lives as having breakfast in the morning. We use them for almost everything in our lives – banking, research, shopping and communication. Now we learn that computer viruses are spreading to human beans!!! Let’s pray that the Blue Screen of Death is not contagious. Just sayin’. Dumbasses.
You are serious, right? Whoever let that headline make it to print must be the editor of The Dumbass News Daily. Fuckin’ moron. But wait! They get better!
I blame it those damned illegal immigrants! Next thing you know they’ll throwing tacos into the dumpster. What will that look like to some dumbass? I have several possibilities for jokes here, but they are too tasteless even for me, so, (insert taco joke here).
What’s the name of this town? Dumbassville? Does everybody in Dumbassville wear Essence of Turd cologne? Do they eat shit sandwiches for lunch? Oh, wait! They can’t eat shit sandwiches, the dumbasses don’t like bread!
Her life’s ambition is to be the Mofongo Queen in next year’s pageant. “Mistress of the Universe” is a bit much for a teen girl.
And the headline of the day is;
It’s amazing what they can do with a little plastic surgery these days. I’ just sayin’.