Category: Dumbass Laws

Sperminated by a Squid! In the Mouth!

The Sperminator
Best of Dumbass News
I hope all you Dads has a better than average Fathers Day. And being Dumbasses that is highly unlikely, but being your Fearless Leader comes with the responsibility of trying to keep you motivated and in high spirits. By “high spirits” I do not mean tequila.

Since yesterday was Fathers Day, I can only assume that many of you have Little Dumbasses running around your basement. However, many other members of the Dumbass Horde are not so fortunate as to have children. Some Dumbasses have not gotten their wives /girlfriends knocked up yet, while other Dumbasses pay the neighbor to boink their old ladies in hopes of putting a bun in the oven. There are also some Dumbasses who wouldn’t know what to do with a vagina if it bit them in the face. I gotta tell you that it’s my firm personal belief that a biting vagina wouldn’t be much fun anyway, so I won’t yank anyone’s Dumbass Card – yet. I’ll review such cases on its own individual merits. Finally, we have Dumbasses who are – how do I say this delicately? – homos. I have nothing against Dumbasses who are queers as they are valuable member of The Horde. Besides, many gayrod Dumbasses get all worked up over me calling them homos and therefore giving me more ammunition that 1) proves they are indeed homos and 2) some funny shit to write about. I love our prissy homo Dumbases. In a brotherly kind of way of course. Besides, I need someone to design my Fearless Leader wardrobe and who better to turn to than a diva homo?

Speaking of biting vaginas…

Is That a Squid in Your Mouth or Are you Just Happy to See Me? 

Those wacky Koreans are at it again.

There’s this lady in Seoul, South Korea who went to a local eatery to grab a bite to eat. She placed her order which included fatback, grits and fired tripe….oh wait! That’s the wrong South I’m thinking of. I kill me sometimes.

Anyway, this nice Korean lady goes out to eat and once at the cafe, placed her order for squid. She was really hungry by the time her squid got to her so she began to slam it down like Charlie Sheen pounds down expensive sham-pain. During the chewing process, the nice Korean lady experienced a small problem with her cephalopod. 

It was alive!

Wait’ll you hear this: The squid injected its sperm bag into her tongue, according to research published in February.
The unidentified woman reportedly experienced a “pricking and foreign-body sensation” while she chewed and spat the squid out. She had to go to the hospital when she felt severe pain and several “small, squirming” creepy crawlies in her mouth.
Doctors found that the squid had left “twelve small, white spindle-shaped, bug-like organisms” in the mucous membranes of her tongue and cheek.
Indeed, the woman’s mouth had been essentially inseminated.

Upon reading this love story about a squid and a Korean lady’s mouth, no less than 48 quintillion thoughts came to mind. For brevity’s sake (and the fact that I have no idea how to count to 48 quintillion), I shall narrow those racing thoughts into a manageable number – like 2 or 3.

  • Can a nice Korean lady become impregnated by squid sperm working its way down her gullet? BTW, Stephen King (Big Steve is a fellow resident of Maine)  this is my theory and would make a great book about Korean/Squid Crossbreeding, so don’t even think about stealing my idea here. This idea is now “in print” as having originated here on Dumbass News, therefore it is © ® and other legal shit. I am sure, however, that we can work something out. Call my people. Dumbass.
  • How does one go about complaining to the manager of the joint that a squid just unloaded in your mouth? I have several ideas, but none of them are for public consumption. 
  • Does the nice Korean lady swallow?
  • Will sperm sack-squirting squid in the mouth become “The Next Big Thing” in the Homo Community?

Answers

In order of the questions posed above.

  • Stephen King will love my alien/squid/Nice Korean Lady cross-boinking idea and write a best seller about it. I will get my due credit and recognition for being a sick sonuvabitch. A RICH sick, twisted SOB. Steve, email me, baby. We’ve got business to do.
  • See above.
  • If so, she has a bright future in the Nice Squid Sperm Swallowing Korean Lady porn industry.
  • Yes.

Note to self: No more squid for me. Leave it for the homos.

Dumbasses.

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Election Results: More Dumbass Laws!

BEST OF DUMBASS NEWS!
Any reasonable Dumbass would come to the conclusion that considering the clusterfuck known as the Obama Administration and some of the stoopid shit they’ve rammed through Congress (ObamaCare, anyone?), that the citizens of this fine country have had enough in the way of crappy laws to last them several lifetimes. I know I have.

This is not the case. however, in many states throughout the Land. July 1 ushered in all kinds of stoopid-idity in places as diverse as Utah and Cal-ee-forn-ya.

Yes, friends, Teh Stoopid rolls on unabated.

Civic-minded Fearless Leader that I am, I have put to use my World Renown Google Fu and have come up with some dandy new laws that went into effect on the first day of this month. When you read about this insanity, you’ll be glad that it wasn’t you with mad Google skillz. As it is, for me at least, a well placed grappling hook up my ass would be much less painful than what I put myself through discovering these new edicts from our Elected Dumbasses. Let it never be said that I ain’t a Fearless Leader who is unwilling to take one for the team.

You can thank me by hitting the PayPal button and throwin’ a little cheese my way. It’s OK to do that. Really. Nothing soothes the excruciating pain of said grappling hook up said ass like a little cash flow.


Here We Go

You’d expect a place like Cal-ee-forn-ya to come up with some dumb shit when it comes to making new laws. That’s just what they do out there. All I can figure is that it must be in the water. Or it’s that putrid smell emanating from Sacramento that makes the people weird.

The Golden State, along with neighboring Oregon, has made it illegal to sell, trade or distribute shark fins. I understand the reasoning behind this new law, but will it really do anything to curtail the use of shark fins for soups and other stuff? I have a gut feeling that the large Asian population in Cal-ee-forn-ya will “overlook” this new mandate. Sharks fins have been used for thousands of years in Asian stuff like shark fin soup and dry cleaning detergents. OK, I made the dry cleaning soap thing up. I just wanted to see how many people of the Asian Persuasion I could get pissed off.

Also in The Land of Fruits and Nuts, you now have to have a prescription for formerly over the counter medications containing dextromethorphan. That means adios to OTC cough syrups, Nyquil and Dimetapp. The reason behind this new law? Too many Cal-ee-forn-yans are using OTC cough medicine as recreational drugs! Lemme get this straight. In many cities in Cali you can go into a place and buy a “medicinal” blunt, but you now have to have a script from your physician to get Robitussin? That makes perfect sense. <wink>

One other thing that the Commies in Cal-ee-forn-ya put on the books is a law that mandates that public schools teach Homo History. Now, I’m not sure if that means teaching about famous homos in history, like Alexander the Prissy Great or Rock Hudson or does it mean that homos have their own history that non-homos don’t know about? I’m confused. And so are the homos, I think.

Moving Right Along…

The Nation’s First State, Delaware, passed into law a deal that will allow civil unions or domestic partnerships while at the same time clarifying that marriage is between one man and one woman. say what? This seems to me to be akin to banning chocolate milk, but allowing the continued sale of milk and chocolate syrup separately. Why is it that everything dealing with homos is so damned vague?

In Utah, legislation became law essentially banning Happy Hour. In other words, bars can’t have special drink prices for a specified time period during their hours of operation. And I thought the Elected Dicks in Cal-ee-forn-ya were Dumbasses. I am almost 100% certain that bar owners in Utah would never defy this “ban on Happy Hour” by having drink specials all day long! When we’ve lost Utah…

In Illinois, animal shelters and the like will now have to do a more thorough examination of animals when trying to locate an ID chip in the pets. This new due diligence involves, get. ready. for. this.- looking for collars and/or tags that may help ID the pet and its owners!

My personal favorite is the new law in New York State that makes it a crime to sell or possess bear gall bladders. The passage of this new law will however put in dent in y social life. I can’t tell you the number of times in the past few weeks alone, that I have said to Mrs. Fearless Leader, “Honey, I sure would enjoy a road trip to New York State so we could enjoy some good old fashioned bear gall bladders.” I suppose I’ll have to get my bear gall bladders somewhere else now.

Like on the Internet.

From Cal-ee-forn-ya.

Dumbasses.

The Newest Dumbass Laws in America!

Any reasonable Dumbass would come to the conclusion that considering the clusterfuck known as the Obama Administration and some of the stoopid shit they’ve rammed through Congress (ObamaCare, anyone?), that the citizens of this fine country have had enough in the way of crappy laws to last them several lifetimes. I know I have.

This is not the case. however, in many states throughout the Land. July 1 ushered in all kinds of stoopid-idity in places as diverse as Utah and Cal-ee-forn-ya.

Yes, friends, Teh Stoopid rolls on unabated.

Civic-minded Fearless Leader that I am, I have put to use my World Renown Google Fu and have come up with some dandy new laws that went into effect on the first day of this month. When you read about this insanity, you’ll be glad that it wasn’t you with mad Google skillz. As it is, for me at least, a well placed grappling hook up my ass would be much less painful than what I put myself through discovering these new edicts from our Elected Dumbasses. Let it never be said that I ain’t a Fearless Leader who is unwilling to take one for the team.

You can thank me by hitting the PayPal button and throwin’ a little cheese my way. It’s OK to do that. Really. Nothing soothes the excruciating pain of said grappling hook up said ass like a little cash flow.


Here We Go

You’d expect a place like Cal-ee-forn-ya to come up with some dumb shit when it comes to making new laws. That’s just what they do out there. All I can figure is that it must be in the water. Or it’s that putrid smell emanating from Sacramento that makes the people weird.

The Golden State, along with neighboring Oregon, has made it illegal to sell, trade or distribute shark fins. I understand the reasoning behind this new law, but will it really do anything to curtail the use of shark fins for soups and other stuff? I have a gut feeling that the large Asian population in Cal-ee-forn-ya will “overlook” this new mandate. Sharks fins have been used for thousands of years in Asian stuff like shark fin soup and dry cleaning detergents. OK, I made the dry cleaning soap thing up. I just wanted to see how many people of the Asian Persuasion I could get pissed off.

Also in The Land of Fruits and Nuts, you now have to have a prescription for formerly over the counter medications containing dextromethorphan. That means adios to OTC cough syrups, Nyquil and Dimetapp. The reason behind this new law? Too many Cal-ee-forn-yans are using OTC cough medicine as recreational drugs! Lemme get this straight. In many cities in Cali you can go into a place and buy a “medicinal” blunt, but you now have to have a script from your physician to get Robitussin? That makes perfect sense. <wink>

One other thing that the Commies in Cal-ee-forn-ya put on the books is a law that mandates that public schools teach Homo History. Now, I’m not sure if that means teaching about famous homos in history, like Alexander the Prissy Great or Rock Hudson or does it mean that homos have their own history that non-homos don’t know about? I’m confused. And so are the homos, I think.

Moving Right Along…

The Nation’s First State, Delaware, passed into law a deal that will allow civil unions or domestic partnerships while at the same time clarifying that marriage is between one man and one woman. say what? This seems to me to be akin to banning chocolate milk, but allowing the continued sale of milk and chocolate syrup separately. Why is it that everything dealing with homos is so damned vague?

In Utah, legislation became law essentially banning Happy Hour. In other words, bars can’t have special drink prices for a specified time period during their hours of operation. And I thought the Elected Dicks in Cal-ee-forn-ya were Dumbasses. I am almost 100% certain that bar owners in Utah would never defy this “ban on Happy Hour” by having drink specials all day long! When we’ve lost Utah…

In Illinois, animal shelters and the like will now have to do a more thorough examination of animals when trying to locate an ID chip in the pets. This new due diligence involves, get. ready. for. this.- looking for collars and/or tags that may help ID the pet and its owners!

My personal favorite is the new law in New York State that makes it a crime to sell or possess bear gall bladders. The passage of this new law will however put in dent in y social life. I can’t tell you the number of times in the past few weeks alone, that I have said to Mrs. Fearless Leader, “Honey, I sure would enjoy a road trip to New York State so we could enjoy some good old fashioned bear gall bladders.” I suppose I’ll have to get my bear gall bladders somewhere else now.

Like on the Internet.

From Cal-ee-forn-ya.

Dumbasses.

Almost Cooked Squid Sperminates Korean Lady’s MOUTH!!!

I hope all you Dads has a better than average Fathers Day. And being Dumbasses that is highly unlikely, but being your Fearless Leader comes with the responsibility of trying to keep you motivated and in high spirits. By “high spirits” I do not mean tequila.

Since yesterday was Fathers Day, I can only assume that many of you have Little Dumbasses running around your basement. However, many other members of the Dumbass Horde are not so fortunate as to have children. Some Dumbasses have not gotten their wives /girlfriends knocked up yet, while other Dumbasses pay the neighbor to boink their old ladies in hopes of putting a bun in the oven. There are also some Dumbasses who wouldn’t know what to do with a vagina if it bit them in the face. I gotta tell you that it’s my firm personal belief that a biting vagina wouldn’t be much fun anyway, so I won’t yank anyone’s Dumbass Card – yet. I’ll review such cases on its own individual merits. Finally, we have Dumbasses who are – how do I say this delicately? – homos. I have nothing against Dumbasses who are queers as they are valuable member of The Horde. Besides, many gayrod Dumbasses get all worked up over me calling them homos and therefore giving me more ammunition that 1) proves they are indeed homos and 2) some funny shit to write about. I love our prissy homo Dumbases. In a brotherly kind of way of course. Besides, I need someone to design my Fearless Leader wardrobe and who better to turn to than a diva homo?

Speaking of biting vaginas…

Is That a Squid in Your Mouth or Are you Just Happy to See Me?   

Those wacky Koreans are at it again.

There’s this lady in Seoul, South Korea who went to a local eatery to grab a bite to eat. She placed her order which included fatback, grits and fired tripe….oh wait! That’s the wrong South I’m thinking of. I kill me sometimes.

Anyway, this nice Korean lady goes out to eat and once at the cafe, placed her order for squid. She was really hungry by the time her squid got to her so she began to slam it down like Charlie Sheen pounds down expensive sham-pain. During the chewing process, the nice Korean lady experienced a small problem with her cephalopod. 

It was alive!


Wait’ll you hear this: The squid injected its sperm bag into her tongue, according to research published in February.
The unidentified woman reportedly experienced a “pricking and foreign-body sensation” while she chewed and spat the squid out. She had to go to the hospital when she felt severe pain and several “small, squirming” creepy crawlies in her mouth.
Doctors found that the squid had left “twelve small, white spindle-shaped, bug-like organisms” in the mucous membranes of her tongue and cheek.
Indeed, the woman’s mouth had been essentially inseminated.

Call Me, Big Steve.

Upon reading this love story about a squid and a Korean lady’s mouth, no less than 48 quintillion thoughts came to mind. For brevity’s sake (and the fact that I have no idea how to count to 48 quintillion), I shall narrow those racing thoughts into a manageable number – like 2 or 3.

  • Can a nice Korean lady become impregnated by squid sperm working its way down her gullet? BTW, Stephen King (Big Steve is a fellow resident of Maine)  this is my theory and would make a great book about Korean/Squid Crossbreeding, so don’t even think about stealing my idea here. This idea is now “in print” as having originated here on Dumbass News, therefore it is © ® and other legal shit. I am sure, however, that we can work something out. Call my people. Dumbass.
  • How does one go about complaining to the manager of the joint that a squid just unloaded in your mouth? I have several ideas, but none of them are for public consumption. 
  • Does the nice Korean lady swallow?
  • Will sperm sack-squirting squid in the mouth become “The Next Big Thing” in the Homo Community?

Answers 

In order of the questions posed above.

  • Stephen King will love my alien/squid/Nice Korean Lady cross-boinking idea and write a best seller about it. I will get my due credit and recognition for being a sick sonuvabitch. A RICH sick, twisted SOB. Steve, email me, baby. We’ve got business to do.
  • See above.
  • If so, she has a bright future in the Nice Squid Sperm Swallowing Korean Lady porn industry.
  • Yes.

Note to self: No more squid for me. Leave it for the homos.

Dumbasses.

Strippers Help LA Little League Baseball! Almost

Batter Up!

What in the name of all that is Holy are they teaching the kids in Los Angeles? I am speaking specifically about the boys and girls who play Little League Baseball in LA. I was shocked and dismayed at what I recently learn about our National Pasttime and the way it is administrated in the City of Angels.

Angels 

The Los Angeles Little League is hard up for cash. The league was in need of money to save its season. Therefore, it seems to me, that sizeable donations would be welcome. Oooooooohhhhh noooooo, not in Tinseltown! Not long ago a group of benevolent young ladies made a $1200 donation to the LALL (LA Little League) and it was accepted. BUT! The President of LALL returned the money to them when he found out they were strippers at Jet Strip Club! I couldn’t believe my eyes when I read this. The nice young ladies made the donation as a gift and didn’t ask that any of the teams in LA Little League wear “Jet Strip Club” on their jerseys or anything. I wonder what the name of a team sponsored by Jet would be? The Boobs? The Nipples? The 38s? Just askin’.

Community Outreach 

Jet has long, as they put it, “given back to the community” <snicker> I’ll bet. But seriously folks…I am certain that the “exotic dancers” at Jet have given plenty back to the community. Things like lapdances and STDs. Hahahahaha I just made that part up. On the real side, Jet has made considerable donations to area schools by giving money for school supplies and stuff. These aren’t your ordinary slutty ass strippers we’re talking about here. They are community-minded slutty ass strippers. Just because a chick shows off her yahbos to horny bastards who could never land a woman like a slutty ass stripper, doesn’t mean that their money is somehow coated with poison or it came from the Mafia.

I think the La Little League President Roberto Aguirre screwed the pooch on this one. The league needed money in the worst way. The gals at Jet sent over a check for $1200. There’s some much needed cash flow for the kids. Take it and callate, Roberto. I don’t how this story got out nor do I care. Roberto and the other dumbasses at LALL could have accepted the check and used the money for the kids in the league and shut the fuck up. The whole thing could have been done anonymously. no harm. No foul. Instead some loose-lipped asswipe had to run to the press with the story and now the kids are out over a thousand dollars.

Strippers Are Moms Too 

As long as it’s legal, I don’t give a shit what anybody does for a living. Stripping is legal. In a former life I frequented “gentlemens’ clubs” on a fairly regular basis. I wasn’t searching for some fantasy lover or any other bullshit. I know now and I knew then how the game is played. I just liked going to strip clubs.(I haven’t been to a jiggle joint in over 10 years, so don’t get your underwear all in a wad). I found during my time at these places that many of the young ladies who work there are single mothers with little or no education or hopes of getting a “regular” job. But many them were also going to college to better their lives and stripping was a way to make money (LOTS of money) to pay the bills. And so many of them were single mothers, as you would expect. When you have kids, sometimes you have to do things you would not ordinarily do in order to feed and clothe them. Were there crack whore skanks who danced in the clubs I went to so many years ago? Hell yes.

My point here is not to defend the virtues of taking your clothes off for strangers, but to point out that many of these chicks are just doing what they gotta do, for whatever reason. They are doing nothing illegal by stripping and, again, a shitload of them are college students paying their way through school. Others, on the other hand, are drug addicted losers who’d fuck a horse for their next hit of heroin. I ain’t talking about them here.

I have been friends with dancers before and the young ladies I befriended were just like you and me – regular people. No, I never met them away from their jobs or ask for anything (not even a lapdance). When I went to the clubs, it was like two friends meeting over coffee at Joe’s Coffee Shop in Irving, Texas, except we met over boobs and beer. I must confess, however, I once bought a stripper a puppy. Why? Because she wanted one. And she was my friend.

Finally 

The Prez of La Little League should have just taken the money from the strippers and shut up. Did it ever occur to this Holier than Thou douchebag that maybe one of the dancers had a kid that played in the LALL? Hell no.

Roberto Aguirre, you should go to Jet Strip Club sometime. You might find someone who has a big heart and a willingness to give the kids in the LA Little League a hand. And some much needed money.

Besides, you could probably use a cold beer.

And a lapdance.

Dumbass.

Dumbass Laws: Part 10 – The Finale

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time once again to play theinternet’s favorite weekend laugh-a-thon ….Match the State With the Dumbass Law !!! This is one of the most popular features we do here on Dumbass News, and today ought to be a doozy because the full moon is upon us and we all know that when the moon is full,  dumbasses come out like ants at a family reunion picnic. Brace yourselves…here we go!

Virginia – It’s against the law to flip a coin in any eating joint to determine who buys the coffee.
DN – I personally have no problem with this. It’s more fun to flip the waitress to see who pays for coffee.

Washington – A woman who sits in man’s lap on a train or bus is obligated to put a pillow between herself and the man, or face a jail term of six months.
DN – And if she doesn’t put a pillow between herself and the man, she faces nine months of morning sickness and weird cravings. Dumbasses.

West Virginia – In Nicholas County, it is verboten that a minister tell jokes or funny stories from the pulpit during the service.
DN – That’s cool with me. I can get straight to my nap that much quicker.

Wisconsin – In order too make cheese in America’s Dairyland, you must have a Cheese Maker’s License. In order to make Limberger cheese, you must have a Master Cheese Maker’s License.
DN – If you nmake Limberger cheese, you’ll need a helluva lot more than permit. A good divorce lawyer comes to mind. Juat sayin’.

Wyoming – It’s illegal for a woman to stand within five feet of a bar while drinking.
DN – This is a great idea. If a drinking woman falls while standing more than five feet from the bar, she is less likely to spill other people’s drinks.

That’s it. We have covered dumbass laws in all fifty states of the Union and there have been some real winners. If you’d like to review the other nine posts dealing with dumbass laws, search the archives by using the search box on the home page. And don’t fret, I’ll be on the lookout for more dumbass laws from all over the world because one can never get enough dumbass.

Dumbass Laws, Part 9

Well…it’s been a week or so since we got to make fun of all those other states that have some real dumbass laws and your state doesn’t. I hate to bust your bubble, but even my home state of Texas has some dumbass laws, so if I haven’t mentioned some dumbass laws for your state yet, just hold yer taters, because your state is coming up tonight or the next time we do a dumbass laws segment. Once we get past Round One of dumbass laws from around the country, we will probably do a “Best of Dumbass Laws” post, just to review some of the more stupid shit laws on the books. I may even run a poll featuring some of the “best” dumbass laws and let you vote on the Most Dumbass State at the end of this series. Let’s now see what kind of dumbass awaits us tonight.
 South Dakota – It is expressly forbidden to lie down and fall asleep in a cheese factory.
DN – What the hell do they want you to do in a cheese factory, sing polka songs to stay awake? I visited a small cheese factory in Wisconsin many years ago, and if South Dakota cheese factories are anything like the one I was in, you’d rather be in the showers at a skid row truck stop than to be in one of those foul-smellin’ fungus traps. Trust me on this one. It ain’t a purty sight.

Tennessee – I love the Volunteer State, but they have some fucked up laws on the books. Like this one: it is illegal to catch a fish with a lasso.
DN – No lassos, huh? This reminds me of an old fishin’ story. this guy was out fishing every day at this one lake and so were many other fisherman. None of the fisherman caught a thing over a few days of fishin’, but this one dude was geting his limit every day. So, the guys not catching anything became suspicious of the one guy catching all the fish and they called the Game Warden. Sure enough the game Warden goes out to the fishin’ hole and sees the one dude throwing dynamite into the water. BOOM!!! Up to the surface of the water come dozens of fish and the guy scoops them up with his net. The Game Warden padles his boat out to where the guy was fishing and said, “You can’t use dynamite to fish! That’s illegal! The guy itches another piece of dynamite into the water and BOOM!! The fish float to the surface by the dozens. The Game Warden says,”Hey! You can’t do that! So, the guy lights a stick of dynamite and hands it to the Game Warden and says, “You wanna argue or you wanna fish?” I’ll be here all week.

Texas – It’s against the law to own the Encyclopedia Brittanica in Texas. Why? It has a recipe for making beer in it.
DN – I have it on good authority that the Moonshiners in Texas responded by saying, “What’s an Encyclopedia? And does it taste like chicken?”
Utah – Birds have the right of way on all freeways in Utah.
DN – Yeah, Thunderbirds.

Vermont – It’s illegal to whistle under water.
DN – In Vermont, it’s also against the law to drown on air. Dumbasses.

There you have it. Five more states with some real dumbass laws. College footbal, Texas vs. Oklahoma State, is coming on in a few minutes, so I’d better lasso myself an order of Buffalo Wings. Unless that’s against the law, too.