Category: Dumbass News History

Bank Robbery, Bigot Math and The Frozen Dead Guy!

Portrait of Fearless Leader

Best of Dumbass News

Your Fearless Leader of The Dumbass Horde (me) has had a busy day thus far this cold (15 degrees @ 16:26 EST; the low tonight? 3 below zero!) Saturday in New England. All I can say is that I’m glad Santa brought me a Gazebo Warmer ® for Christmas. Otherwise it could have tragic. And my voice, which is a solid baritone, would have gone up a couple of octaves. God bless the man who invented The Gazebo Warmer ®. Twice. Once for each gazebo. I’m just sayin’.

The tag line of this blog (“Bringin’ the Dumbassery on a Daily Basis”) has never been more appropriate than it was this week. We had enough dumbassery in one week….let me put it this way: if dumbassery was bling, I’d make Flava Flav look like he dressed like Jed Clampett.

Even though I’m late with the dumbassery today, I believe you’ll agree it was worth the wait. For example…

  • This week was so full of outstanding dumbassery that the most “sane” dipshit of the week was a guy who paid his girlfriend’s rent…..by robbing banks! That ought to be a major clue as to what’s yet to come.
  • Speaking of banks (<—-excellent Dumbass Segue)…A Wells Fargo Bank in  where else but California,. was hell bent on making withdrawals extremely simple for not only their customers, but everybody else too! They accomplished this unprecedented form of Customer Service by leaving the bank’s front doors OPEN all weekend!
  • In our most disgusting display of dumbass douchebaggery of the week, school board members in Norcross, Georgia showed their true colors (pun intended) towards black folks without even uttering a word. Hint: It concerns slavery and math. Be prepared to curse aloud. It’s that Ludacris. <—-humor noir
  • Bonus Dumbassery! Every story I post on Dumbass News is kind of like one of my kids. You know what I mean if you’re the parent of more than one child. You love them all, but not one more than the other. Having said that, I have a very difficult time not favoring the story of The Frozen Dead Guy over the other 446 posts on this blog. It’s Classic Dumbass from beginning to end with a healthy dose of international intrigue thrown in for good measure. This is a must read!

Dare I say that This Week in Dumbass News History will forever be the epitome of what the chronicling of dumbassery should be? I dare. Has the bar been set impossibly high for future Dumbass News content? Why, hell no!

I think I have just issued a challenge to myself. Challenge accepted.

Dumbass.

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Dumbass News Birthday Bash Continues! The Readers’ Most Popular Posts

The Dumbass News Birthday Bash continues!

I was going over the blog stats looking for the most popular stories in its two year history so I could re-post them for the Birthday Bash. Of course the older posts are gonna have more views, but the sheer number of views for some of them caught me by surprise.

When I write something, I fully expect it to get a lot of eyeballs on it. But in the case of the most-read stories, some of the stories themselves garnered way more views than I thought they would. I mean, when I write about strippers (or boobs) that brings out the perverts en masse, as expected. Tattoos are also a very popular subject, pot is too, so it comes a no big shocker that stories about pot, strippers (or boobs) and tattoos rank very high on the Dumbass Reading List. Dumbass Newspaper Headlines do well too. Stories about make up do not. See where I’m comin’ from?

Therefore, it comes as no surprise that the stories that got the most attention over the last two years involve strippers (or boobs), tattoos, pot and Dumbass Newspaper Headlines

Here they are:

  • Java Jugs: Have a Coffee and a Lap Dance! – Buy a cup of coffee for twenty bucks and you get a lap dance Free!
  • The Return of Dumbass Newspaper Headlines!This feature is always very well-received by Dumbasses around the world. This early (2nd or 3rd?) edition of Dumbass Newspaper Headlines has been viewed almost 1000 times! Who knew?
  • A Guy Named Gus, His Ducks and Pot – This is the story of a French Guy who innocently feeds his ducks pot. They are very happy ducks. Gus has been read about nearly 1200 times! By stoned Dumbasses.
  • Tattoos Are Forever, Dumbass – I knew this one was gonna be a biggie, but not this big! Viewed nearly 2500 times, this is the tale of a radio station prank and a tattoo that went real wrong.

Those stories oughtta keep you busy and in stitches for a while. With a combined total of over 5000 views, these are the four most-viewed posts in the two year history of Dumbass News. With good reason. See for yourself.

Dumbass.

Lady Lies to Get Out of Jury Duty; Tells Story on the Radio! Ooooooops!

Jury of Your Peers – Do They Look Happy to Be There?

If I have learned one thing in life it is that if you want to keep a secret or keep something private, it is best to not go on a 50,000 watt, clear channel radio station heard in almost 40 states and share your little story. I am fairly certain that such an act would let the cat out of the bag, so to speak. I could be wrong here, but I don’ think so.

KOA

KOA, 850 AM in Denver, Colorado is one of the most famous radio stations in the country. They are legendary in broadcast circles. KOA has been broadcasting for over 80 years and is very popular throughout the state. I have spent many hours listening to KOA in any number of states in the USA. It goes everywhere!

Knowing what we know, it would be safe to assume that you were to do an interview on KOA, that there would be someone you know is listening at that very minute. As a matter of fact, you can take it to the bank. Just ask Susan Cole.

Jury Duty

Susan was talking on the air with long time KOA talk show host Dave Logan (a former Denver Broncos wide receiver) telling the tale of how she skipped out on jury duty. She told Logan that she faked mental illness in order to avoid serving on a jury. Two things here: 1) Shirking your civic obligation to serve on jury duty, as big a pain in the ass as it can be, is not a good idea. 2) Faking an illness or lying to the Jury Duty Guys in order to avoid service is a felony. I’m just sayin’. And as one who suffers from BiPolar Disorder and ADHD, making light of mental illness is not very nice. It doesn’t offend me personally (none of my personalities….hahaha) but it sill ain’t cool. I can also state categorically that I have papers to prove I am a basket case, can you prove you’re sane? I didn’t think so.

Remember that part up there ^^^ where I said if you were on KOA, somebody you know would be listening? Guess what? As Susan told of her web of deceit, somebody she knew was listening to her tell it! Susan’s friend was not amused and reported her to the authorities. Karma, bitch, karma.

In the very near future, Susan won’t be telling tall tales on the radio, but she will be listening to them in the Denver County Jail – as a convicted felon.

My Word 

I know how inconvenient serving jury duty can be, I’ve been there. But it really is a civic obligation not to be taken lightly or routinely dismissed simply because it comes at a bad time. Juries are the foundation of our legal system and without them things could get pretty chaotic pretty quick. Just serve when you’re call upon to do so. You might actually learn something about how the criminal justice system works. There is another way to observe the workings of the justice system up close. That is to shirk jury duty. You’ll just get to see the system from the other side while 12 of your peers decide that your are an unAmerican dumbass lying to get out of the very thing they are there for. And all 12 of them may not be in a good mood on your day in court. Think about it.

Just ask Susan Cole.

Dumbass.

Day 447 May Be Number 1

The Best Dumbass News Week Ever?

Your Fearless Leader of The Dumbass Horde (me) has had a busy day thus far this cold (15 degrees @ 16:26 EST; the low tonight? 3 below zero!) Saturday in New England. All I can say is that I’m glad Santa brought me a Gazebo Warmer ® for Christmas. Otherwise it could have tragic. And my voice, which is a solid baritone, would have gone up a couple of octaves. God bless the man who invented The Gazebo Warmer ®. Twice. Once for each gazebo. I’m just sayin’.

The tag line of this blog (“Bringin’ the Dumbassery on a Daily Basis”) has never been more appropriate than it was this week. We had enough dumbassery in one week….let me put it this way: if dumbassery was bling, I’d make Flava Flav look like he dressed like Jed Clampett.

Even though I’m late with the dumbassery today, I believe you’ll agree it was worth the wait. For example…

  • This week was so full of outstanding dumbassery that the most “sane” dipshit of the week was a guy who paid his girlfriend’s rent…..by robbing banks! That ought to be a major clue as to what’s yet to come.
  • Speaking of banks (<—-excellent Dumbass Segue)…A Wells Fargo Bank in  where else but California,. was hell bent on making withdrawals extremely simple for not only their customers, but everybody else too! They accomplished this unprecedented form of Customer Service by leaving the bank’s front doors OPEN all weekend!
  • In our most disgusting display of dumbass douchebaggery of the week, school board members in Norcross, Georgia showed their true colors (pun intended) towards black folks without even uttering a word. Hint: It concerns slavery and math. Be prepared to curse aloud. It’s that Ludacris. <—-humor noir
  • Bonus Dumbassery! Every story I post on Dumbass News is kind of like one of my kids. You know what I mean if you’re the parent of more than one child. You love them all, but not one more than the other. Having said that, I have a very difficult time not favoring the story of The Frozen Dead Guy over the other 446 posts on this blog. It’s Classic Dumbass from beginning to end with a healthy dose of international intrigue thrown in for good measure. This is a must read!

Dare I say that This Week in Dumbass News History will forever be the epitome of what the chronicling of dumbassery should be? I dare. Has the bar been set impossibly high for future Dumbass News content? Why, hell no!

I think I have just issued a challenge to myself. Challenge accepted.

Dumbass.