|Ever Heard of Beano?|
I am sick. Very sick. But you already knew that and besides, I don’t mean sick in that way. I have The Crud. I feel like shit. So for today’s Dumbass News you get a rerun. This was the third (I think) post I ever wrote for what is now, no doubt, the most far-reaching, socially relevant and influential instrument of Dumbassery in the Known Universe, Dumbass News.
This has become somewhat of a pet cause of mine over the last couple of years and I haven’t re-posted it in quite a while, so here ya go.…
The North American Wife Carrying Championships!
There are few things in this world that come anywhere near leaving me speechless. What I am about to describe to you damn near did it. Human beings, by their Latin name known as dumbassus erectus, will do almost anything for amusement and/or competition. There are such events as the Calaveras (CA) County Fair and Jumping Frog Jubilee, Watermelon Thump in Luling, Texas, where the biggest attraction is the watermelon seed spitting contest and 35,000
dumbasses people attend each year, and here’s a new one to me that recently took place right here in Maine – The North American Wife Carrying Championships! I mean, we don’t get the Olympics, NASCAR, NFL, Major League Baseball and whatnot, but we do make a sport of wife carrying! Just imagine the fun and companionship to be had by dumbass couples from all around the country.
- Dumbass Wife to Dumbass husband : “Honey, I have just the thing that could save our marriage.”
- Dumbass Husband : “And that would be what?”
- Dumbass Wife : “You could carry me!”
- Dumbass Husband : “I’ve been doing that for the last 25 years.”
- Dumbass Wife : “No,dear. I mean you could carry me in the North American Wife Carrying Championships!”
- Dumbass Husband : “You do love me! Our marriage is saved!“
The object of this dumbass “sport” is to navigate a 278 yard course lined with mud holes and all sorts of fun obstacles like that while carrying your dumbass wife on your back! What fun! The people who participate in dumbass wife carrying are deadly serious about it, why they’ve even got specialized ways for a man to carry his better half. From ABCNews.com we learn : “Carrying methods include traditional piggyback, the fireman’s carry or something called the “Estonian carry,” said Paula Wheeler, director of development for the Mahoosuc Arts Council, the event’s sponsor.” The “Estonian carry” sounds particularly menacing (or pornographic, I ain’t sure which). The best thing about this event, besides the certain hilarity that ensues, is what the winner receives as a prize. I.Am.Not.Making.This.Up. His wife’s weight in beer! There is a God! It turns out that the dumbass husband totin’ around his dumbass wife becomes a dumbass drunk! You now understand what people who live in a place like Maine, where there are about 8 months winter, do during those long cold times. They make up dumbass stuff like wife carrying! And curling, but that’s another story for another day. If every married couple in the United States took part in wife carrying, the divorce rate would plummet.The alcoholism rate among married men would skyrocket (see prize for winners), but those men would be happily married drunks. In my view, it all evens out. 🙂 For those of you who are considering wife carrying as a marriage-enhancing tool, I’ll leave you with info on the 2011 World Wife Carrying Championships to be held in Finland. I almost forgot that there is a division in this dumbass competition for women who want to carry their husbands! Equal opportunity, you gotta love it. I am curious here, what is the wife’s prize if she wins? Her husband’s weight in bon bons?
I’ll cover this event again this fall when the North American Wife Carrying Championships return to Maine! And you people thought we had nothing worthwhile to do up here.
I first published this story in July of last year. It was my first post to have been written on Heather’s desktop computer. My laptop died at the hands of an evil, vicious, mean, rotten and nasty Force of Nature — Bailey the 4 Year Old!
This post also gives me another shot at making fun of Cal-ee-forn-yah, which you all know will be the newest sport in the Dumbass Olympics this summer. There is one difference in the medals for the real Olympics and the Dumbass Olympics. Medals in the real Olympics are made of gold, silver and bronze. Dumbass Olympics medals will be made form old beer cans painted the appropriate color with WalMart spray paint. Yes, Dumbass, we are going all out for this year’s Dumbass Olympics. Spare no expense as Dumbasses of the world unite in the Spirit of Competition and Brotherhood!
(Dateline – Deep in the Bowels of Heather’s Keyboard) My 4 year old daughter Bailey has banished me to this foreign land. I am using my wife’s computer because Bailey loves Daddy so much she dumped a full bottle of water (16.9 oz) all over my laptop. R. I. P. Laptop. Enough said.
Speaking of chihuahuas (<—clever segue), in Altadena, California, two would-be robbers turned out to be two honest-to-goodness pussies when they tried to rob a local “smoke shop”. A “smoke shop” in California is the pseudonym for “Buy Your Bong Here” shop. The two dumbasses were thwarted in their attempted heist by a) a 12 gauge wielding store owner, b) an off duty policeman or c) a man-eating chihuahua. If you said a or b, you are a dumbass. These two pansies were scared off by a fucking dog the size of a large grapefruit! The stotre’s video surveillance system “ shows the store owner begin to place money into a backpack worn by one of the robbers while his Chihuahua starts barking loudly and forcefully at the men.
Investigators said the robbers were apparently spooked by the dog and fled the store with less money than they could have obtained from the store owner.
The video depicts the Chihuahua follow the men from the store and chase them down the street.” Really? A chihuahua? A fucking chihuahua? Will the last real man in The Land of Fruits and Nuts please stand up? Oh, wait, there are none. Forgive me for that slip of the fingers.