Here’s a Dumbass Easter Story I wrote just after Easter Sunday last year.
Christians and Jews, just a couple of days ago, celebrated the Holiest Days of the Year in their respective religions – Easter for the followers of Jesus and the Passover for the celebrants of Judaism. Of course, remembering the triumph of God over sin reflects only the religious side of the Easter/Passover story.
To many people these days, Easter is simply a day for the kids to dress up in their Sunday-Go-To-Meetin’ finery, even if they don’t go to Sunday Meetin’, and hunting all the colorful eggs left behind by chickens who were raised on LSD or some really good ‘shrooms. But, I digress.
I must confess, no Catholic pun intended, that I have never met The Messiah face to face. I’ve never met Jesus either, although I do recognize Him as the Son of Man and the Founder of the Church that we know today as the Catholic Church. However, I am not here to do a post on my (or your) religious beliefs.
I am here to show you how some “Christians” choose to “celebrate” these Holiest of Days.
Take this family in Memphis, Tennessee. Please!!!
Mayhem in the Blues City
Like millions of Christians worldwide, Annette Pearson was celebrating the holiday with some guests, another family. Annette had carefully hidden Easter eggs around her yard to be just difficult enough to find that the children present would be a bit challenged to find them. So far, so good.
But! You just knew that a big ass BUT! was about to rear its ugly head. This is, after all, Dumbass
One of the eggs that Annette had hidden was a “Grand Prize Golden Egg!” In it was $7! Seven dollars!? Are you kiddin’ me? A young crack head in Memphis can’t even buy a decent-size rock for seven bucks. seven big ones was evidently some serious cheese to one of Annette’s Easter guests from the other family, as he rather vociferously objected to what he thought was Annette helping her own kids to locate the Grand Prize Golden Egg with the $7 in it. This dumbass got so mad that the slapped Annette upside the head! Not just once, but twice!
This is when the real fun started.
What Would Jesus Do?
WWJD is not a question that entered Annette’s freshly slapped head. Upon being assaulted over a $7 Grand Prize Golden Egg, she went inside her house and grabbed $25 Balck & Decker Claw Hammer.
The dumbass that smacked Annette on her skull soon found out that it didn’t matter what Jesus would do, it only mattered that Annette clobbered him upside his own head with the claw end of the hammer! The man was now bleeding like a stuck pig headed for the rotisserie at a Memphis BBQ Joint.
Did I note that the other family soon joined in on the brawl? They did. More mayhem ensued. Assholes, elbows and ball peen hammers were everywhere! No mention of the $25 B & D Claw Hammer at this point. There is a mention of the arrival of the Memphis Police Department, however.
Sadly, the dumbass who wailed away on Annette’s noggin was not arrested, but his wound did require four staples to close. Annette, on the other hand, was hauled off for $25 Black & Decker Claw Hammer Assault and is now enjoying the hospitality of the Shelby County Inmate Easter Club, headed up by janet Reno lookalike inmate, Julie “Spike” Snodgrass.
Happy Easter, Annette!
Best of Dumbass News
The People’s Republic of Madison is a very nice city. That is if you could chase off the Liberal weenies and Liberal weenie college kids at the University of Wisconsin who live there. Liberal weenie-ism, and by definition dumbassery, is a way of life in Madtown and today’s story will show you just what kind of dumbass occupies this lovely burg.
Book Club Meeting
A 31 year old woman, whose name is not mentioned in my source story, was attending a book club meeting recently when she got a little bit more than a review and nice discussion on the book in question, Communism for Dummies. Other than the book, there was something else at the meeting that caught the lady’s eye. A 4-foot long ball python.
The snake was in an aquarium at the meeting place, the lady noticed it and thought “Oh, boy!. There’s a 4-foot long ball python in that aquarium! Why don’t I take it out of there!” So she did. She shouldn’t have. Supposedly this dumbass bimbo had experience in handling snakes, but based on what happened next, I ain’t so sure. I think maybe her experience with serpents was limited to a man’s nether regions and rubber snakes used as props in her stripper routine. OK, I’m busted. I made up that last part about men’s you-know-whats and stripping, although it sounds plausible to me.
The python took exception to being removed from its cozy little domicile and promptly bit the dumbass lady in the face! To my knowledge, once a python has a grip on something, it’s not in any hurry to let go of it and this snake was no different than any other python. He latched on and had to be “persuaded” to let go. And by “persuaded” I mean shot with a Clint Eastwood size pistol. You caught me again. I made up the bit about the Clint Eastwood pistol. I did not, however, make up the part about the snake remaining attached to the broad’s face. He was quite content. Did I tell you that pythons, even though not venomous, have teeth? They do. Lots of them. That’s how they hold on to their prey until they can squeeze it until it’s a lifeless lump. The dumbass lady wasn’t hurt too bad and the snake’s owner was able to remove it from the nosy dame’s face.
One thing that came to mind upon reading this story was, why did the dumbass have to mess with the snake in the first place? But then again I don’t like snakes, so it’s a foreign concept to me. Also, if she had experience in handling snakes, how could she let it get within striking distance of her face? It may be just me, but if I’m holding a 4-foot snake of any kind, I am protecting two things (three, depending on how you count ’em): my face and my gazebos. After 55 years, I have grown quite fond of the two (three?) of them.
As I said, the lady wasn’t seriously injured, but I am concerned about the health of the python. That broad could have been infected with some kind of livestock disease. Have you ever seen the corn-fed Liberal weenie women, especially the ones who go to book club meetings, in Madison? I have. In the mid-80s. And I haven’t been back to town since. I’m just sayin’.
Best of Dumbass News
At last count, Dumbass News was being read by
idiots nice folks in 157 countries around the globe. A few hundred of our fellow Dumbasses reside in New Zealand. I don’t remember if we have ever had a story about a Kiwi Dumbass before or not.
So now, New Zealand, it’s your turn in the spotlight because our Dumbass today is one of your own!
You can thank me for shining the disinfectant of sunlight upon the dregs of your civil society later.
On the surface this story appears to be a fairly routine drunk driving story. But if you dig a little deeper, you get the details that qualify this tale as a bit, shall we say, “unique”? No we shall not say “unique”, we shall say stoopid as fuck.
Not only did the Dumbass in Question, 26 year old Ryan Scott Thompson of Christchurch, get wasted and drive an automobile, he drove said automobile into an old woman’s house scaring the poor lady out of her wits. Luckily there were some neighbors who witnessed the accident and were able to come to the aid of the Little Old Lady and subdue the suspect until the cops got to the scene.
The New Zealand Herald picks up the story from there, “Thompson blew almost three times the legal breath-alcohol limit after smashing into Dawn Sanders’ living room where she had been sitting moments earlier just after 10pm on July 23.
He pleaded guilty to all charges at his first appearance in the district court and was fined and ordered to pay $1500 in “emotional harm” reparation to Mrs Sanders
Neighbours who rushed to Mrs Sanders’ aid detained the grossly intoxicated but uninjured Thompson until police arrived.
Police said he was unable to walk unaided or coherently answer questions.
After Thompson recorded a breath-alcohol reading of 1137mcg/L (Ed.- which means “drunk as fuck” in the American version) at the police station, a police officer was completing paperwork when he heard the sound of running water, according to the summary of facts.”
That sound of running water? Thompson was caught pissing on the breathalyzer tubes at the police station! Now, to my way of thinking, taking a leak anywhere but in the Toilet at the Cop Shop precludes any claim of innocence or police misconduct. In other words, you have been busted, Dumbass! The Herald adds, “The 301 contaminated tubes had to be destroyed. (Ed.- Ya think?!)
Thompson admitted drinking and driving but was unable to offer any explanation. He was taken to Christchurch for detoxification.
Judge Graham Hubble disqualified Thompson from driving for nine months on the excess breath-alcohol charge and a concurrent three months on the careless use count.
He was fined $200 for wilful damage.”
Questions and Comments Abound
- “Disqualified from driving” for nine months? WTF? The guy blew a “drunk as fuck” on the Breathalyzer for Christchurch’s sake! He ought to be disqualified from doing anything but nine months of Kiwi Prison Bitchery. In a homo prison.
- Aside form the fact that the Dumbass crashed into a house, the dude nearly killed a Little Old Lady in the process, and he gets fined $1500? You’re kidding, right, Judge Hubble? Right?
- The Kiwis ain’t nearly as Bad Ass as the Aussies.
- The “sound of running water” is too fucking funny.
- Pissin’ on the Drunk Detectors is also too fucking funny.
So, my dear Kiwi Dumbasses, you may now bask in your moment of glory. You have officially made it to Big Time when you have made it to Dumbass News. And when I say “Big Time” I mean you have hit rock bottom.
For your self-esteem and emotional well-being (and the fact that Judge Hubble still has a job) you should do your penance by donating a large sum of money through the PayPal Donate Button in the right sidebar to Dumbass News. I’ll fly down and have a nice long talk with Judge Hubble. Over a couple of beers of course.
I know it would make me feel better. And “drunk as fuck”.
Happy Good Friday!
I am taking the day off from blogging, but I came up with a post I wrote last year about this (Daylight Savings) time, so it’s still kinda topical. I hope you enjoy it.
Before we get into the meat of today’s Dumbass post, I must pass on a (cue fanfare and Professional Radio Announcer Voice) Dumbass Public Service Announcement! I hope you Dumbasses in the United States remembered to “spring forward” by setting your clocks and watches forward an hour for Daylight Savings Time. 48 1/2 states observe DST. Parts of Indiana and all of Arizona do not take place in this annual event (unless things have recently changed), making it much harder for the dumbasses of those states to figure out when their favorite reality show comes on TV. But, hey, that’s part of being a Dumbass. DST runs into November which means Americans have to endure one less hour of the Obama presidency. But that’s a subject for another day. I bring it only to give hope to all US citizens and illegal aliens that the end of the Great Experiment in Socialism in our beloved Republic is nigh.
WTF is DST?
I ain’t sure. I just know that the sun comes up and goes down later than normal. During Plain Old Dumbass News, the sun comes up really early here in Maine. It looks like High Noon at 5 AM. It takes some time to get used to. With DST in effect, we have to wait til 6 AM! In addition, it doesn’t get completely dark until close to 10 PM! I must say though, that this allows me many hours of decimating the fish population of the Pine Tree State. Fish.Fear.Me.
Time, or POT as we call it on
As far as Daylight Savings Times goes, it doesn’t really “save” any daylight. So why don’t they call it “The Sun Comes Up and Sets Later Time”. Dumbasses. I have neither time nor the inclination to go into the whole DST Thing in this post, so I’ll refer you to this info from Wikipedia.
The Shocking Truth!
According to some dumbass shit I found in a “Bing” search (Google is Evil; not that Microsoft is much better) Daylight Savings Times is all about money! Big Oil is the main culprit although there are other conspirators as well. Personally, I blame George W. Bush, Evil Oil Man and Bloodthirsty Hater of Minorities. But that’s just me. Read this bullshit and come to your own conclusions. This stuff sounds like it came straight from the Democrat National Committee. But, it tells the Shocking Truth! And that’s what Dumbass News is all about- the Shocking Truth!
Back to Bed
All I know about DST is that I lost an hour’s sleep last night. This is not good. My wife has been sick with various forms of a cold, the flu and now bronchitis and a double ear infection. That means that for a few weeks that I have been Mom and Dad to two young children. What’s the big deal? I am 55 years old. My 9 year old is a great kid, except for when she gets sneaky about stuff. That’s to be expected though. She’s just a growing young lady finding her boundaries. But my 5 year, that’s another story. She’s like a West Texas Tornado destroying everything in her path. The kid is a one girl wrecking crew. Thankfully, there have been no deaths associated with this phenomenon.
Now that I know the Shocking Truth, I can sleep in peace. And expect the sun to rise at 5 AM instead of 4 AM. Oh the joy. Wait! The Texas Tornado wakes up about an hour before the sun comes up! I am a dead man.
But at least I know the Shocking Truth.
Best of Dumbass News
Boy hidee, I gotta tell you that we are loaded with Dumbasses today, folks. And when I say “loaded”, I mean loaded as in a gun.
And it’s funny you should ask, because this story revolves (pun intended) around a firearm. So, let’s take aim at the Dumbasses in our story.
|Aggie Veterinarian Shirt|
Where: College Station, Texas, home of Texas A & M University and the Aggie Nation. For those of you around the country, or the world for that matter, Aggies are a “special” breed of Texan. And by “special” I mean Natural Born Dumbasses. In Texas, we make fun of Aggies the way people in the Northeast make fun of the Irish or Polish or any other ethnic group. If you know a good Irish/Polish/Ethnic joke, simply insert the word “Aggie” for “Irish” or “Polish” or any ethnicity and you’ll have the definition of an Aggie.
For example: How many Irish/Polish/Ethnic Group/Aggies does it take to get dinner? The answer is two (2). One to watch out for traffic.
See what I mean? That’s an Aggie for you.
A Dumbass and his wife, co-starring a pistol.
It seems as if this innocent skunk had wandered into the Dumbass’s yard one night. So, he comes up with this Great Plan to Eradicate the Skunk Once and for All. This GPTETSOAFA would involve a pistola. Let inject here the fact that Texans are rather proud of their firearms and their ability to use them as needed. This includes shooting spouses who are Dumbasses.
Let me splain.
I told you that the skunk was in the guy’s yard and he (The Guy, not the skunk) says, “Honey! There’s a skunk in the yard! Let’s go blast that little bastard to Kingdom Come!” The wife agrees. So she grabs a gun and outside they head searching for their unsuspecting prey. Skunks are unsuspecting because they are stoopid. But if you had a weapon like the spray a skunk can lay on you, you’d be unsuspecting too. But I digress.
Outside the couple goes and within a few seconds they spot the intruder, the skunk. Here’s where a shitload of Dumbassery comes into play. For some reason, the Dumbass is gonna let his wife shoot the skunk rather than do it himself. Why, I don’t know, but I do know that that is a decision that he will regret for the rest of his life. If he lives.
Aim This Way, Sweetie!
|Aggie/Irish/Polish/Ethnic Group Pistol|
The Dumbass goes on the opposite side of the skunk from the lady with a loaded gun! “Just squeeze the trigger, Sugar Puss”. So, Sugar Puss takes careful aim at her quarry, waits for just the right second and BAM! That’s when the Dumbass felt a burning sensation in his belly. The burning sensation of a .45 calibre bullet!
The skunk got away. The guy hit the ground with a bullet in his gut.
I smell questions coming up here.
- Why did he think that shooting a skunk was the way to get it rid of it? At a safe distance, (a skunk can spray from 7 to 15 feet, so 16 feet from the bidness end of the skunk is considered a safe distance) simply go outside, make a shit load of obnoxious noise, like the Aggie War Hymn, and the little stinker will haul ass outta there like somebody stuck a Roman Candle up his ass. ***I will caution you at this point, that stuffing a Roman candle up a skunk’s ass is not a highly recommended activity. Loud noise will do just fine.***
- Even though the Dumbass in Question is an Aggie, he should have known that standing in front of the business end of a .45 is not a good idea. Why would he do this?
- Further exacerbating the situation is his encouraging the lady to shoot the skunk while he is in the line of fire. This, too, is highly suspect, if not deadly, behavior. Why would he do this?
- After being struck in the abdomen by a large calibre handgun bullet, will this Aggie guy live long enough to learn a lesson from his Dumbassery?
- Let’s hope so.
- Did this moron not realize that a dead skunk stinks just as bad as a live one can when provoked? That smell doesn’t just dry up because the furry little fuck has assumed room temperature.
- Who amongst us is stoopid enough to pick up a dead skunk and move it elsewhere?
- Not me.
There are probably another hundred or so questions that could be asked at this time, but I think we have covered the basics.
So there you have it, Dumbass Horde. The shallow end of the gene pool has reared its ugly head yet again and man faces death by Dumbassery. I just hope the guy recovers from his wounds……so we can make up Aggie jokes about him.
Now you know what an Aggie is. It’s just another word for …
***Hat tip to Dumbass Matt Vaughn***
I have a sick kid that requires a visit to Old Sawbones this morning so I won’t have time to create another Dumbass Masterpiece. I shall, therefore, regale you with a narrative of Days Gone By. For all you Yoopers, that means here’s some of the Best of Dumbass News.
People are strange, as Jim Morrison wrote lo so many years ago. They (meaning “we”) suffer from some weird shit. Me? I am scared to death of heights, so I suffer from dumbassis tallus itis. Some people are afraid to go outside which, in the parlance of the American Psychiatric Association, is known simply as “stupid as fuck”. Then there are those who are actually scared shitless of clowns. This affliction is known as “bozo erectus areyoukiddingme sigmund freud syndrome”, or coulrophobia.
After reading today’s story we should all be very afraid of grown men who paint their faces up like ancient Zulu warriors in order to amuse people, or as they are known in San Francisco, homos.
But, I digress.
Let’s assume it’s 2:55 in the morning, you are sleeping off a major bender anf all of a sudden, there’s a knock at your door. Under these circumstances, I am grabbing the nearest double barrel 12 gauge and s-l-o-w-l-y approaching the door. If I am still drunk enough, I shoot first, then approach the door. Again, I digress.
This is exactly what happened to a Boca Raton, Florida couple recently. Except for the drunk part. I made that up for dramatic effect.
Instead, however, of being leery of someone knocking at their door at nearly 3 AM (!), the female part of the couple answered the damn door! What could possibly go wrong? Let me tell you what could possibly go wrong. There could be a guy in a scary clown mask at your door just a-chompin’ at the bit to steal 120 Klonopin tablets (Klonopin is BAD, BAD joo joo), expensive watches, your wallet and all its contents including credit cards and cash – what could possibly go wrong.
|Klown on Klonopin|
If you weren’t skeered of clowns before this little incident you will be now. Except for one thing. You know the guy in the scary clown mask. How do you know that you know the guy in the scary clown mask? He lifts up the mask to reveal his identity! Well, hell! I feel all better now! Did I mention that Bozo has two friends with him and they are carrying crow bars? he did and they were.
So, the three clown Dumbasses enter the home swipe the Klonopin (I’m tellin’ ya, this is some nasty shit!), $5000 worth of watches and the wallet, plastic and cash.
The lady later ID’ed the clown who lifted up his mask and he and his buddies were soon busted by the Boca PD.
- I do not answer the door at 3 AM unless the voice on the other side is that of my Mother. I am still shooting first, though. If it really is Mom, I’ll apologize for blasting her to Kingdom Come and she’ll understand. And maybe even forgive me. I am an only son, after all.
- Ditch the Klonopin. I can’t even begin to tell you what that stuff can do to a normal human bean.
- If you know a guy that dresses up like a clown and shows up at your door at 3 o’clock in the morning with two guys carrying crowbars, it’s time to find some new friends.
- You deserve whatever Fate deals you if you keep five thousand dollars worth of watches and Klonopin in the same place.
- You are a Dumbass for all the above reasons.
So, the next time you are at the circus with the kids or grand kids, look at the funny clowns and think of this story, then tell it to the children with you. They’ll see Bozo in a whole new light and they will never answer a 3AM knock at the door unarmed.
And flush the damned Klonopin for Gawd’s sake. That shit is nasty.
|I.D. the Dumbass Crook!|
Best of Dumbass News
Dumbass criminals are a dime a dozen these days. Everywhere you look, a dumbass criminal is sure to be nearby. Hey! That gives me an idea! My idea is a spin off of the old “Watching People at the Mall Game” or for brevity’s sake, WPMG. You can still play WPMG but while you’re doing it, you can add a whole new dimension to it. While playing WPMG, you can also play “Look for the Dumbass Criminal at the Mall Game”! That’s right, folks! You can take the WPMG one step further by trying to guess which dumbass in the mall is not just a dumbass at the mall, he’s also a dumbass criminal at the mall! What fun for the entire family! Not only will your family be having a great time together at the mall, but you’ll be doing a Public Service as well. By identifying a potential dumbass criminal, you’ll be helping local law enforcement to stop many crimes before they even happen! And to think that all this family fun time is absolutely FREE. A bargain at twice the price! Bwahahahahaha! Another benefit to WPMG and IDing dumbass criminals is that you can text your findings to all your friends! Or even post them to Twitter! Who knew that crime fighting and dumbass identifying would be such a rush?!
Here’s a helpful hint for you while playing WPMG and finding dumbass criminals, be sure to sit near the food court. Every dumbass in the mall and every dumbass criminal in the mall will, at the very least, pass by the food court. Location is a very important component to WPMG. You want to be a in target rich environment and the food court offers that and more! Also you’ll need to be inconspicuous while playing WPMG, so be sure to mix in with the mall crowd by ordering a slice of pizza or a big tub of popcorn while dumbass criminal IDing.
I’m sure that in all the excitement of writing about WPMG and dumbass criminals, I forgot some help hints to pass along to you, but at least you have the basics down, and that’s what’s important. So, good luck in your WPMG and dumbass criminal identification! Your country is calling on you!