Category: Dummy

A Welcome to New Dumbasses & A Taste of The Dummy Awards

Dumbass News has gained tens hundreds of new readers over the course of the last couple of months. This may come as a surprise to many of you, but it doesn’t surprise me at all. Do you realize how many Dumbasses there are in the world? Simple math, and a shit load of shameless blog pimpin’ on Twitter, dictate that this was bound to happen. Something about the law of supply and demand. The Good Lord supplies the Dumbasses and I demand that they read this blog. See? The shit works out right.

 
With all these new people flooding in, it is incumbent upon me as the Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde, to not only welcome them with scorn and derision open arms, but to make them feel at home. And if a Dumbass can’t feel welcome here, then he might as well leave his mother’s basement and move to Communist Cal-ee-forn-ya where he can live out his remaining days under the oppressive thumb of the State Gubmint. 
 
As we wind down 2012,  we are mere days away from presenting the 3rd Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial “You Big Dummy” Awards to the most deserving Dumbasses of the year. Having said that, I felt like this was a great opportunity to prepare our newer Dumbasses for the Glory that is The Dummies by enlightening them with a taste of the 2011 version of this most treasured of trophies. I won’t re-hash the entire list of the Dummy winners from last year, rather I’ll go straight to The Big One (a little Fred G. Sanford humor there), the Dumbass of the Year
 
Enjoy.
 

Attention Dumbasses around the World! The moment you both have been waiting for is here! Despite the public outcry and against the advice of the Dumbass News legal staff, Dewey, Cheatum and Howe (Home Office, Tijuana, Baja Califonia, Mexico), It is now time to announce the “winner” of the very first Fred G. Sanford (that’s S-A-N-F-O-R-D, period) Memorial “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Award! What an occasion! What an extravaganza! What a steaming pile! 

This was one of the most difficult projects that I have ever undertaken while sober. The mere volume of posts featuring some of the most mentally challenged people on Earth in and of itself was a bit overwhelming. Having to decide which dumbass is worthy of such a prestigious honor as the Fred G. Sanford (that’s S-A-N-F-O-R-D, period) Memorial “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Award was a responsibility I did not take lightly. How could I take it lightly? I was fucking sober for Gawd’s sake! I was that serious about this thing. Of course if I had been blasted it would have been much more enjoyable, but I am reformed Professional Drinker, so that was out of the question. A little “Latin Lettuce” on the other hand….:) 

The Final Four

Once I got through the over 400 dumbasses to choose from, the following four stood on their own merits as head and shoulders above the rest. Not so coincidently, each of the four were among the most-read posts of 2011. If you folks weren’t dumbasses I’d swear you knew what you doing in making them so popular. But you are and I won’t. Dumbasses. 

The Last Dumbasses Standing are…

Courtney Love – For snorting Kurt Cobain’s cremated remains when a good line of cocaine would have been much more rewarding. Stoopid bitch.

Dwarf Tossers Dwarf tossers are the backbone of American Dumbassery. They are living proof that this country is all about having the right to not only become filthy rich and a dumbass, but also the right to be as big a dumbass as you can possibly make yourself. This is what separates us from European Pussy Dumbasses, Muslim Extremists and Commies. God bless America!

Five Day Cell Phone Guy This guy spent five days “stranded” on an island off the California coast with his cell phone and a strong connection to a near-by cell tower without once trying to use his phone to call for help. Until the fifth day!

And finally…

Assault With Deer Antlers –   A touching romantic story about a couple of dumbasses that get into a fight and the dumbass lady ends up trying to gore the guy with a mounted deer head. I think they are from my wife’s side of the family. Yankees are weird like that. I’m just sayin’.

The Big Moment!

Can I have a drum roll please?!! It is with great pleasure , reverence for the late Fred G. Sanford (that’s S-A-N-F-O-R-D, period) and deep humility, not to mention a couple of shots of Nyquil because my wife gave me the flu, I am happy to announce the winner of the Fred G. Sanford Memorial “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Award for 2011!!! The winner iiiiissssssssss…….

….Five Day Cell Phone Guy!!!! (wild applause and the sound of tops being screwed off of cheap wine bottles everywhere)  Was there ever any doubt that the outcome would be anything but what it is? Hell no!! Any dumbass that is on an island with a cell phone and a good, strong signal and doesn’t think to try the phone to call for help for five days is the Dumbass of the Year every year in my book.

So congratulations Five Day Cell Phone Guy, and find a special spot on your fireplace mantle for the “You Big Dummy” trophy and soak up all the glory you so richly deserve as the winner of such a life changing honor. You have truly shown the world what being a dumbass is all about. And believe me my friend, you are a Dumbass with a capital “D”.

I look forward to hearing from you soon, Five Day Cell Phone Guy. Call me when you have the time between network TV and national radio show interviews. I am sure you have a good signal on your iPhone. I just thought I’d save you a few days by telling you that.

Dumbass. 

Of the Year.

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The "Dummies" of 2011 & the 1st Dumbasses of 2012

100% Dumbass News Approved***

We are already one full week into 2012 and things around Dumbass News keep getting better and better, thanks to you, the Dumbasses of the World in 121 Dumbass Nations. I like the sound of that, Dumbass Nations. Has sort of a “band of brothers” feel to it. I am honored to be your Fearless Dumbass Leader, the Duke of Dumbass the Head Dumbass in Charge, the…OK, that’s enough of that.  

Sorry, I lost my mind just for a moment.

Anyway, 2012 is shaping up to be by far, the best year ever for this blog and I am excited as a Dumbass Hobo in a likker store with a pocket full of cheese. For those of you in San Francisco, “cheese” is not what you guys find in your dirty Fruit of the Looms, it means “money” ya frakkin’ idjits. Speaking of cash flow, mine has slowed down to an ebb and your generous Dumbass Donation can be made through PayPal by clicking on the “Donate” button in the right sidebar. Any such gifts would be greatly appreciated. Dumbasses. 🙂


The 1st Week of 2012 

We left 2011 behind in grand style as we paid homage to the best dumbasses last year had to offer. The explosion of dumbassery carried over into the New Year with the first few dumbasses of 2012. 

So, let’s hop into the Dumbass Wayback Machine and take a look at this past week of the best dumbass news stories found anywhere in the World Wide Web.

The 1st Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial “You Big Dummy” Awards  

For a complete look at the various “You Big Dummy” Award nominees and the winners in the different categories click this link. (After reading the story, scroll down below the post and look for “Newer Posts”, click there on every page and that will lead you to next Award Presentation. Just keep going until you get to the “You Big Dummy” winner) 

The Oscars, Grammys and all those fake awards have nothing on the “Dummies”. Hey, we take this shit seriously, unlike those pussies at the other award shows. Our Dumbass of the Year candidates are selected and awarded based on the merits of their dumbassery. No politics involved. Unless it tweaks the Fwench and the homos and non-homos of San Francisco. I hate the Fwench and the jizz dumpsters in San Fran.

  • Starting 2012 with a Threefer Dumbass Bonus! The three “Curious” Old Bastards in this story scream for the manly affections of the Twinkletoes Crowd in S.F. Truly sickening and truly dumbass. Ya gotta love it.
  • The Pistola in Starbucks – Dumbass chick takes loaded gun to coffee shop. Gun discharges. Criminal procedures ensue.
  • I’ll Take “I Got Fined $200 Large for Keeping Chickens in My Yard Because the City is Run By Bigots”, Alex – This one is a riot. The Dumbass in this tale of woe claims he is being singled out by City Officials because he is of Moroccan-Syrian extract. Did I mention that he is a Jew? To my knowledge, the fine dictators of Morocco and Syria would find great pleasure in BBQing this fucking idiot and using him for camel food simply because he is a Jew, and he claims prejudice in the F-L-A? I am almost 100% certain that the asshole is the only person of Arab heritage in Florida, so it must be bigotry. <—–That’s sarcasm, by the way. Read it and weep.

Now you can understand why I am so stoked about 2012. I am confident that the crop of Dumbasses in ’12 will be the Best Bunch Ever! Especially if they are butthurt Arabs, Fwench or homos in San Francissy. This year is gonna be great!

Dumbasses.

***See Copyright in Image***

The 2011 Fred G. Sanford Memorial "You Big Dummy" Dumbass of the Year Award!

Attention Dumbasses around the World! The moment you both have been waiting for is here! Despite the public outcry and against the advice of the Dumbass News legal staff, Dewey, Cheatum and Howe (Home Office, Tijuana, Baja Califonia, Mexico), It is now time to announce the “winner” of the very first Fred G. Sanford (that’s S-A-N-F-O-R-D, period) Memorial “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Award! What an occasion! What an extravaganza! What a steaming pile! 

This was one of the most difficult projects that I have ever undertaken while sober. The mere volume of posts featuring some of the most mentally challenged people on Earth in and of itself was a bit overwhelming. Having to decide which dumbass is worthy of such a prestigious honor as the Fred G. Sanford (that’s S-A-N-F-O-R-D, period) Memorial “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Award was a responsibility I did not take lightly. How could I take it lightly? I was fucking sober for Gawd’s sake! I was that serious about this thing. Of course if I had been blasted it would have been much more enjoyable, but I am reformed Professional Drinker, so that was out of the question. A little “Latin Lettuce” on the other hand….:) 


The Final Four

Once I got through the over 400 dumbasses to choose from, the following four stood on their own merits as head and shoulders above the rest. Not so coincidently, each of the four were among the most-read posts of 2011. If you folks weren’t dumbasses I’d swear you knew what you doing in making them so popular. But you are and I won’t. Dumbasses. 


The Last Dumbasses Standing are…


Courtney Love – For snorting Kurt Cobain’s cremated remains when a good line of cocaine would have been much more rewarding. Stoopid bitch.


Dwarf Tossers Dwarf tossers are the backbone of American Dumbassery. They are living proof that this country is all about having the right to not only become filthy rich and a dumbass, but also the right to be as big a dumbass as you can possibly make yourself. This is what separates us from European Pussy Dumbasses, Muslim Extremists and Commies. God bless America!


Five Day Cell Phone Guy This guy spent five days “stranded” on an island off the California coast with his cell phone and a strong connection to a near-by cell tower without once trying to use his phone to call for help. Until the fifth day!

And finally…

Assault With Deer Antlers –   A touching romantic story about a couple of dumbasses that get into a fight and the dumbass lady ends up trying to gore the guy with a mounted deer head. I think they are from my wife’s side of the family. Yankees are weird like that. I’m just sayin’.

The Big Moment!

Can I have a drum roll please?!! It is with great pleasure , reverence for the late Fred G. Sanford (that’s S-A-N-F-O-R-D, period) and deep humility, not to mention a couple of shots of Nyquil because my wife gave me the flu, I am happy to announce the winner of the Fred G. Sanford Memorial “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Award for 2011!!! The winner iiiiissssssssss…….

….Five Day Cell Phone Guy!!!! (wild applause and the sound of tops being screwed off of cheap wine bottles everywhere)  Was there ever any doubt that the outcome would be anything but what it is? Hell no!! Any dumbass that is on an island with a cell phone and a good, strong signal and doesn’t think to try the phone to call for help for five days is the Dumbass of the Year every year in my book.

So congratulations Five Day Cell Phone Guy, and find a special spot on your fireplace mantle for the “You Big Dummy” trophy and soak up all the glory you so richly deserve as the winner of such a life changing honor. You have truly shown the world what being a dumbass is all about. And believe me my friend, you are a Dumbass with a capital “D”.

I look forward to hearing from you soon, Five Day Cell Phone Guy. Call me when you have the time between network TV and national radio show interviews. I am sure you have a good signal on your iPhone. I just thought I’d save you a few days by telling you that.

Dumbass. 

Of the Year.

Most Disgusting Example of the Christmas Spirit Exhibited by a Dumbass is….

Crimestoppers

I would be remiss if I didn’t post some Dumbassery that happened, it pains me to say, during the recent Christmas holiday season. I know it’s difficult to believe, but some people do not adhere to behavior that society would expect of them during a Holy Time of Year. Or during an unholy time of year for that matter. Dumbasses will be dumbasses.  Our next round of nominees for a Dummy Award are cases in points. 

Our finalists in the Most Disgusting Example of the Christmas Spirit Exhibited by a Dumbass are:

Leon, Adopted Felon of “Dumbass News” – Leon is such an integral part of the Dumbass News Family, that it would be almost criminal on our part not to include him in the Dummies in some small way. We love Leon. Why, I even went door-to-door taking donations so the Dumbass Horde could send Leon a carton of New-potes for Christmas. I had to bribe a guard at the Texas Department of Corrections to allow Leon to get the smokes. It was easy, though. The guard’s a fat guy. A little gift card to the local Krispy Kreme took care of it. 

Dumbass Steals Christmas Tree, Posts Details on Facebook Evidently this waste of semen doesn’t realize that the cops read Facebook too. Enough said.

Pimpin’ Out Christmas I get mad at the way some people treat Christmas more like “Bling Day” than an actual, you know, Holy Day! It was a pretty good rant.

And the winner of the Dummy for the Most Disgusting Example of the Christmas Spirit Exhibited by a Dumbass is….

The guy who stole the Christmas tree! Only a total loser, dickweed, asshole, piece of camel shit would steal during the Christmas Season. Then brag about it on Facebook! Please do not pro-create. Your spawn will further drain the gene pool.

One more thing, Eistein. God doesn’t forget.

Dumbass.

Now for the Prison Bitch Headed for Hell Dummy Award!

Prison Lesbian – My Kind of Prison Bitch

The 1st Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial You Big Dummy Awards keep rolling on like a snowball headed for Hell. Which is where this blog has been headed for quite some time – straight to Hell. Oh well, I’d rather laugh with the sinners than die with the Saints, I guess.  Speaking of Hell…


In our next Dummy category, the Best Performance by a Prison Bitch Headed for Hell Division, we have some of our fellow citizens who ain’t exactly starin’ St. Peter square in the eye. For these dumbasses, the Pearly Gates are seemingly welded shut. Let me splain. 


The nominees for this particular Dummy are not what we call productive, law-abiding Americans. These men are killers, escapees and lifers. They may be God’s children, but unless they find Jesus real quick, they will end up as God’s red-headed step children. Nothing against red heads or step kids – I have both in my immediate family. So quit yer bitchin’. 


The nominees…


Inmate Sues Prisons Over SoyThis asswipe is doing life without parole for being real naughty. So what does he waste his time on? Suing the Florida Department of Corrections (or whatever) because they (the FDOC) use soy in their meat products. And by “soy” I mean beans, not sauce. This ain’t Wung Fu’s Chinese Take Out we’re talking about here. This is prison, dumbass! You want steak?  Don’t do shit that’ll put you in The Big House.


Another Dumbass with a Tattoo Is Now a Prison Bitch – This shit for brains murdered another gangbanger and thought he had gotten away with it. El wrong-o, Frijole breath. He gets a tattoo depicting the crime and the crime scene. The only thing he left off the tat was his inmate number. He can get that added now. Read the story. It’s beaut.


Ed Takes a Walk into Prison Bitch-hood Ed, the dumbass, got a five year hitch for some kind of dumb shit and was doing a fine job of serving it – until he got on the prison work detail program. One day, Ed just walked away. He was busted for pissing in public thirty years later! ed is now serving his original sentence plus a lot more. It’s a heart-braking story. Really. No kiddin’. Yeah…right.

And the winner of the Prison Bitch Headed for Hell Dummy award is…..Ed!!! The dip stick was only a little while away from completing his sentence and would have been under 30 years of age upon said completion. he’s now 50 and will be lucky to see the light of day as a free man ever again.


Dumbass.
 

The 2011 Dummies! Dead People Division

The New Marital Aid?

Welcome back to the 2011 Dummy Awards, Dumbasses! Moving on to our next Dummy presentation…This Dummy will be going to the Best Performance by a Dumbass, Dead People Division. We had a great year for dead people and dumbasses (unless you were the dead person) in 2011. This category spanned the Dead People spectrum from gubmint fuck ups with dead people to banks and dead people to well, you just name it…2011 was memorable for dead folks all the way around.

The nominees for Best Performance by a Dumbass, Dead People Division are…

The Gubmint and Dead People – This is one of my personal favorites. I always enjoy a good story about what a bunch of dumbasses we have working for our Federal Gubmint. And this tory gives me hope that in the future our grand children will have just as a quality, if not better, of Dumbass working for them a hundred years from now.


Dumbass Shoots, Kills Wife During Sex I love a good, kinky romance story as much as the next dumbass, but some things are better left undone. I’m just sayin’.


SSA says Lady is Alive. She Says Nothing. She’s DEAD! More gubmint incompetency as the Sociah Curity Guys try to write a benefit check to a dead woman!

This category of the Dummies was a tough nut to crack. there were several excellent stories to choose form so I can’t go wrong no matter what, but I liked these three the best. 

And the winner of the Dummy is….

Dumbass Shoots, Kills Wife During Sex! As weird as it may seem. people die during love making every day. usually it’s some medical condition like a heart attack or aneurism that are the cause of the Big Adios. But our man with the gun here exceeded and excelled in the practice of people keelin’ over while humping. I’ll never see a Dirty Harry movie love scene in the same light again.