Category: Dwarf Tossing

Drunk Guy Goes on Midget Tossing Rampage!

Physically speaking, I am a small man.Some dumbasses would say the same about my mental capabilities and character too. The ones who carry these ludicrous thoughts around with themselves are either 1) Liberals or 2) Those who wish to dethrone me as The Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde. Let me tell you sons of motherless goats in Group 2 that it ain’t gonna happen. As far as Liberals go, I ain’t skeered of a bunch of pussies who want to turn the USA into Fwance. What a perfect match. The Fwench wouldn’t fight to save their own mothers and Liberals won’t work to save their own mothers. I told you the Libs were pussies, and we already knew as much a bout the people of the Flag of Surrender. Knowing that, I’m pretty sure that my reign as The Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde is safe. But I digress….

No Fearless Leader Tossing

As I said up there^^^^^, physically I am not what you’d call a candidate to play Middle Linebacker for the Green Bay Packers. I am about a foot too short and at least a hundred pounds too light. As unimposing as I am, there are smaller men in the world than me who are imposing only in the movies and the WWE. Where I come from we call them “midgets”. They prefer to be called “Little People”. Forget that noise. My two youngest children (ages 4 & 9) are “little people”. A fully grown human bean that got the raw end of the “Verticality Stick” is a friggin’ midget! End.Of.Story. Besides, nobody in his right Dumbass Mind would dare to try to do some Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde tossing. Midgets on the other hand are thrown around, willingly in the great majority of cases, like a drunk hooker at a bachelor party. I’m just sayin’.

Drunk Guy Shot Puts Midget, Much to Midget’s Dismay

The Telegraph reports that “A dwarf claims he was partially paralyzed on his birthday when a stranger lifted and heaved him onto the hard ground outside an English pub.” Did I mention that there was a dwarf tossing event at the pub in question when this incident occurred? It’s not stated in the Telegraph article whether the midget victim, Martin Henderson, was participant in the “Mad Midget Weekender” as the show was called, nonetheless Martin was tossed like a salad at a Weight Watchers meeting. The tosser was a drunk bloke who Martin claims was encouraged by a drunk rugby team into giving Martin the Midget the ol’ heave ho. While I certainly sympathize with Martin regarding his injuries, that’s where my concerns for Martin come to an abrupt halt.

Martin Is a Dumbass

While no midget deserves to be blindsided and flung around for the sheer enjoyment of some inebriated asshole…oh, wait! That’s what dwarf tossing is all about! Watching teensy weensy full grown men getting pitched all over the pub to the bemusement of the likkered up assholes in said pub. What the hell was to be expected of a shit load of Brits drinking warm beer, for God’s sake? These are the same people who drink hot tea also! Haven’t these dumbasses ever heard of ice? No wonder the UK is going to Hell in a hand basket. Warm beer indeed.

Let me go through this ordeal step by step: 1) There is a “Mad Midget Weekender” 2) At a British pub 3) That serves warm beer 4) With a lorry load (<——a little Brit lingo there) of drunk dumbasses in attendance. I can’t see any potential problems with that set of circumstances, could you? Evidently Martin the Teensy Weensy Full Grown Man didn’t and look what happened to him.

Giving the Runt Credit

I won’t list them, but suffice it to say that Martin suffered some pretty serious injuries as a result of being unexpectedly dwarf tossed by some plowed dickweed and still has significant health issues from his experience. But is that what has Martin so pissed off about this ordeal? Not from what I can tell.

The reason that the Midget in Question is perturbed is because the impairments from which he suffers have ” derailed what he described as a promising acting career” Acting career? In what, short subjects? A mini series? After reading that, I am of the opinion that martin himself was a few pints along the Drunk Highway on the night in question. Again, I digress…..

The credit Martin is due is because all he wants out this horrible happening is an apology from the rugby that supposedly egged on the Surprise Dwarf Slammer into his commode-huggin’ drunk actions. After all, this could have rather easily a long drawn out court battle taking God knows how long to determine the outcome of.

Way to go, Martin Old Bean! Your sense of Justice is to be admired. However, your sense of the common leaves a lot to be desired. Wrong place, wrong time and all that sort of rot. (<—–more Brit lingo there). Have a nice rodeo warm beer on me, mate. But seriously get the pub owners to fucking ice down some of the ole Amber Current, will ya?

And a pip, pip cheery oh to you.

Dumbass.

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Dwarf Tossing, Door-to-Door Breast Exams & More!

Best of Dumbass from October 15, 2011

This week’s outstanding Dumbass News stories are among the weirdest we have ever seen on these pages. Frakkin’ hilarious stuff. This is going to make the race for “Dumbass of the Year, 2011” is a tough one to call at this point, but I do have some ideas for the finalists for the award. It’s a good thing I do because as I look at the calendar it’s the middle of October already so the end of the year is really not that far off. I am thinking about running a series of polls to where you can have some input into the “Dumbass of the Year” award process. I am leaning towards a tournament type series of polls where your votes will determine who moves on in the selection process. I just don’t really know yet. If you have any ideas I’d love to hear from you. This is your blog, I am just the dipshit who’s dumbass enough to actually put his name on it. Leave a comment with your ideas in the comment section or shoot me an email at realdumbassnews AT gmail DOT com. Now onto The Dumbass News Week in Review! 

  • Dumbass Psychic – Not only does this dumb bitch expose herself as a charlatan, fraud, extortionist, she jumps way up the ladder in the “Dumbass of the Year” rankings. Sad and funny as hell at the same time.
  • What do Dwarf Tossing and the Constitution of the United States have in common? A lot more than you’d think. It takes a true genius of a dumbass like me to actually make sense of it all. read on and you’ll agree. I promise.
  • Door to Door Breast Exams – This story features one of the most ingenious dumbasses in the history of Dumbassery. You have got to read it to believe it. I didn’t make any of this stuff up. Pinky swear.

Remember to let me know if you have any “Dumbass of the Year” nominations or story ideas by emailing me at realdumbassnews AT gmail DOT com. To refresh your memory on your favorite dumbass, browse the blog archives and submit it to the email address <—–back there. If you are a newer reader the archives are a great place to catch up on some of weird news that happens every day somewhere in Dumbass-ville.

Adios.

Dumbasses.

Boobs & Dwarf Tossing!

Best of Dumbass News

This week’s outstanding Dumbass News stories are among the weirdest we have ever seen on these pages. Frakkin’ hilarious stuff. This is going to make the race for “Dumbass of the Year, 2011” is a tough one to call at this point, but I do have some ideas for the finalists for the award. It’s a good thing I do because as I look at the calendar it’s the middle of October already so the end of the year is really not that far off. I am thinking about running a series of polls to where you can have some input into the “Dumbass of the Year” award process. I am leaning towards a tournament type series of polls where your votes will determine who moves on in the selection process. I just don’t really know yet. If you have any ideas I’d love to hear from you. This is your blog, I am just the dipshit who’s dumbass enough to actually put his name on it. Leave a comment with your ideas in the comment section or shoot me an email at realdumbassnews AT gmail DOT com. Now onto The Dumbass News Week in Review! 

  • Dumbass Psychic – Not only does this dumb bitch expose herself as a charlatan, fraud, extortionist, she jumps way up the ladder in the “Dumbass of the Year” rankings. Sad and funny as hell at the same time.
  • What do Dwarf Tossing and the Constitution of the United States have in common? A lot more than you’d think. It takes a true genius of a dumbass like me to actually make sense of it all. read on and you’ll agree. I promise.
  • Door to Door Breast Exams – This story features one of the most ingenious dumbasses in the history of Dumbassery. You have got to read it to believe it. I didn’t make any of this stuff up. Pinky swear.

Remember to let me know if you have any “Dumbass of the Year” nominations or story ideas by emailing me at realdumbassnews AT gmail DOT com. To refresh your memory on your favorite dumbass, browse the blog archives and submit it to the email address <—–back there. If you are a newer reader the archives are a great place to catch up on some of weird news that happens every day somewhere in Dumbass-ville.

Adios.

Dumbasses.

Dumbass Psychic, Dwarf Tossing & Door-to-Door Boob Exams

Best of Dumbass from October 15, 2011

This week’s outstanding Dumbass News stories are among the weirdest we have ever seen on these pages. frakkin’ hilarious stuff. This is going to make the race for “Dumbass of the Year, 2011” is a tough one to call at this point, but I do have some ideas for the finalists for the award. It’s a good thing I do because as I look at the calendar it’s the middle of October already so the end of the year is really not that far off. I am thinking about running a series of polls to where you can have some input into the “Dumbass of the Year” award process. I am leaning towards a tournament type series of polls where your votes will determine who moves on in the selection process. I just don’t really know yet. If you have any ideas I’d love to hear from you. This is your blog, I am just the dipshit who’s dumbass enough to actually put his name on it. Leave a comment with your ideas in the comment section or shoot me an email at realdumbassnews AT gmail DOT com. Now onto The Dumbass News Week in Review! 

  • Dumbass Psychic – Not only does this dumb bitch expose herself as a charlatan, fraud, extortionist, she jumps way up the ladder in the “Dumbass of the Year” rankings. Sad and funny as hell at the same time.
  • What do Dwarf Tossing and the Constitution of the United States have in common? A lot more than you’d think. It takes a true genius of a dumbass like me to actually make sense of it all. read on and you’ll agree. I promise.
  • Door to Door Breast Exams – This story features one of the most ingenious dumbasses in the history of Dumbassery. You have got to read it to believe it. I didn’t make any of this stuff up. Pinky swear.

Remember to let me know if you have any “Dumbass of the Year” nominations or story ideas by emailing me at realdumbassnews AT gmail DOT com. To refresh your memory on your favorite dumbass, browse the blog archives and submit it to the email address <—–back there. If you are a newer reader the archives are a great place to catch up on some of weird news that happens every day somewhere in Dumbass-ville.

Adios.

Dumbasses.

Coming to An Olympic Games Near You: Midget Throwing!

On Your Mark, Get Set….

One of my favorite things about blogging is that I get to tweak Liberals and do-gooders like Rush Limbaugh tweaks Democrats. You see, leftists have no sense of humor and think that they know what’s better for you than you do for yourself, high and mighty sanctimonious dickweeds that they are. And The Lord’s Day is as good a time as any to pester the bejeebers outta them. They are already in a snit because so many of you are going to Church today. Liberals hate Church, so their panties are already in major knot. So, let’s ramp it up a notch and get them fuming about something else while we’re at it. 

Enter dwarf tossing!

It’s times like these that make me proud to be an American. Last night we had a Republican Presidential Candidate debate in my next door neighbor, New Hampshire. Democracy in action, with each candidate sharing his views on various matters to the citizens of this great land. Just like the Founding Fathers envisioned. One of the major objectives of the Founders was that government remain limited in its role in the American peoples’ lives. I am for that. The government should be really good at three things…Guarding our borders against all enemies, killing bad guys swiftly and efficiently while turning the hell holes they live in into nice parking lots and leaving me the hell alone! And believe it or not a State rep in Florida gets the idea of small government! Let me splain.

Representative Ritch Workman of Melbourne has introduced a bill to the state legislature that repeals a twenty-two year old ban on dwarf tossing! Now that’s what I’m talkin’ about! we used to do something similar when I was a younger man back home in Texas. We’d throw horse shoes – with the horse still in them! It was a tough go but we managed until we got too drunk and/or stoned at which time we’d throw women. The women loved it! The chicks were drunk an/or stoned also, so it was in the name of fun and togetherness. Besides, the women folk knew if they played that they would “get some” later. OK, I made that stuff up, except for the drunk and/or stoned part.

Back to the midgets. Rep. Workman does not endorse nor condone tossing Little People, but he says that it is every American Midget’s God-given right to be passed around like a good one-hitter amid a sea of drunk dumbasses if he or she chooses to do so. I agree. This is America dammit and each and every one of her 310,000,000 residents has the Constitutional Right to be the best and brightest at his/her chosen field of endeavor. That same right applies to dumbasses too! Stoopid people, homeless people and midgets are guaranteed by the United States Constitution to be the biggest and best dumbass he or she can possibly be! Can I get an amen from the Readership?

Needless to say that the Little People of America is not exactly enthused by this situation. The Head Midget says that dwarfs who worked at being tossed about were alcoholics and had bad self-esteem. No shit, dumbass! Still, cry me a fucking river. Or since you are a Little Person Dumbass, cry me a creek, asswipe. Look, I don’t give a shit about Dwarf Tossing. If a Little Man wants to do that stoopid and demeaning shit, more power to him. It’s NOT about the dehumanizing of midgets being thrown around like rags dolls, it’s about The Right to Be Stoopid as put forth and guaran-fucking-teed by the document that is the very foundation of this country! So relax and puff on a fattie, Little People. “Normal” sized folks do stoopid shit that dwarf (pun intended) Dwarf Tossing all the time. Hideous, vile, destructive, thoughtless things. Like vote for Democrats.

Dumbasses.

Dumbassery at a High Level – Except in Green Bay & The Big Easy

Not Anymore. Dammit.

The week that we are ending today has been a memorable one.

It all started for me during the National Football League Playoffs last Sunday. Needless to say, from my perspective, starting about 4PM EST, things sucked from that moment on. A little while after four, the Divisional Playoff game between the San Francisco Ballerinas and Nawlins Saints. The Pansies won and the Coon Asses headed back to the Big Easy. Dammit. Things did not get any better from there for me.

My favorite NFL team of over 50 years, the Green Bay Packers, were next to make me wanna barf when they lost to the New York Mannings. In Green Bay no less! What.The.Hell. I remain in shock. How could the defending Super Bowl Champs lose to a team that squeaked into the playoffs beat creaming the Dallas Rhinestone Cowboys in the last game of the regular season! I mean for Vince Lombardi’s sake, the Pack was 15 – 1 during the regular season and the Mannings finished at 9 – 7 by virtue of their win over Dallas. That’s SIX game spread! In lieu of this upset, I am still boycotting all cheese from Wisconsin. Until I make a double decker Toby Burger later today, protest be damned!

To top off the whole disastrous week, my wife and/or one or both of my little girls have been sick all week. Actually this is about the third week that Heather and Issy have been on again off again ill. Heather and Issy Woo Woo are still under the weather. Whatever it is that’s kickin’ their asses will not go the hell away! Now I wear the “I’m Next to Contract the Super Crud” bull’s eye on my back. Oh, the joy! Dammit. Again.

Even though this week sucked swamp donkey gazebos for my family and me (and my beloved Packers), the dumbassery we displayed in our posts was at a very high level, with each day presenting a tough act to follow for the next day’s story. It wasn’t easy, but through hard work, determination and cheating, we did it.

  • On Monday, we paid tribute to Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Also on Monday, I had a dream! A dream of eliminating terrorists in a most unusual way. Penis cancer!
  • I have posted several stories about dwarf tossing on Dumbass News, but the one we had up on Tuesday had a bit of a twist to it. Ambush Dwarf Tossing!
  • Some weenie at a fitness club in Cal-ee-forn-ya was mortified, mortified, I tell you at posters in the club that featured young, pretty fit women in minimal clothing. BTW…his name is “Twinkletoes”, IYKWIMAITYD.

That’s an All Pro lineup of Dumbassery if I’ve ever seen one. Of course I said the same thing about the Green Bay Packers and the Nawlins Saints last Sunday and look how that worked out. Both teams got their asses handed to them by inferior teams. On any given Sunday, I suppose. Dammit.

Dumbasses.

Dwarf Ambushed & Tossed by Drunk Brit!

Physically speaking, I am a small man.Some dumbasses would say the same about my mental capabilities and character too. The ones who carry these ludicrous thoughts around with themselves are either 1) Liberals or 2) Those who wish to dethrone me as The Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde. Let me tell you sons of motherless goats in Group 2 that it ain’t gonna happen. As far as Liberals go, I ain’t skeered of a bunch of pussies who want to turn the USA into Fwance. What a perfect match. The Fwench wouldn’t fight to save their own mothers and Liberals won’t work to save their own mothers. I told you the Libs were pussies, and we already knew as much a bout the people of the Flag of Surrender. Knowing that, I’m pretty sure that my reign as The Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde is safe. But I digress….

No Fearless Leader Tossing

As I said up there^^^^^, physically I am not what you’d call a candidate to play Middle Linebacker for the Green Bay Packers. I am about a foot too short and at least a hundred pounds too light. As unimposing as I am, there are smaller men in the world than me who are imposing only in the movies and the WWE. Where I come from we call them “midgets”. They prefer to be called “Little People”. Forget that noise. My two youngest children (ages 4 & 9) are “little people”. A fully grown human bean that got the raw end of the “Verticality Stick” is a friggin’ midget! End.Of.Story. Besides, nobody in his right Dumbass Mind would dare to try to do some Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde tossing. Midgets on the other hand are thrown around, willingly in the great majority of cases, like a drunk hooker at a bachelor party. I’m just sayin’.

Drunk Guy Shot Puts Midget, Much to Midget’s Dismay

The Telegraph reports that “A dwarf claims he was partially paralyzed on his birthday when a stranger lifted and heaved him onto the hard ground outside an English pub.” Did I mention that there was a dwarf tossing event at the pub in question when this incident occurred? It’s not stated in the Telegraph article whether the midget victim, Martin Henderson, was participant in the “Mad Midget Weekender” as the show was called, nonetheless Martin was tossed like a salad at a Weight Watchers meeting. The tosser was a drunk bloke who Martin claims was encouraged by a drunk rugby team into giving Martin the Midget the ol’ heave ho. While I certainly sympathize with Martin regarding his injuries, that’s where my concerns for Martin come to an abrupt halt.

Martin Is a Dumbass

While no midget deserves to be blindsided and flung around for the sheer enjoyment of some inebriated asshole…oh, wait! That’s what dwarf tossing is all about! Watching teensy weensy full grown men getting pitched all over the pub to the bemusement of the likkered up assholes in said pub. What the hell was to be expected of a shit load of Brits drinking warm beer, for God’s sake? These are the same people who drink hot tea also! Haven’t these dumbasses ever heard of ice? No wonder the UK is going to Hell in a hand basket. Warm beer indeed.

Let me go through this ordeal step by step: 1) There is a “Mad Midget Weekender” 2) At a British pub 3) That serves warm beer 4) With a lorry load (<——a little Brit lingo there) of drunk dumbasses in attendance. I can’t see any potential problems with that set of circumstances, could you? Evidently Martin the Teensy Weensy Full Grown Man didn’t and look what happened to him.

Giving the Runt Credit

I won’t list them, but suffice it to say that Martin suffered some pretty serious injuries as a result of being unexpectedly dwarf tossed by some plowed dickweed and still has significant health issues from his experience. But is that what has Martin so pissed off about this ordeal? Not from what I can tell.

The reason that the Midget in Question is perturbed is because the impairments from which he suffers have ” derailed what he described as a promising acting career” Acting career? In what, short subjects? A mini series? After reading that, I am of the opinion that martin himself was a few pints along the Drunk Highway on the night in question. Again, I digress…..

The credit Martin is due is because all he wants out this horrible happening is an apology from the rugby that supposedly egged on the Surprise Dwarf Slammer into his commode-huggin’ drunk actions. After all, this could have rather easily a long drawn out court battle taking God knows how long to determine the outcome of.

Way to go, Martin Old Bean! Your sense of Justice is to be admired. However, your sense of the common leaves a lot to be desired. Wrong place, wrong time and all that sort of rot. (<—–more Brit lingo there). Have a nice rodeo warm beer on me, mate. But seriously get the pub owners to fucking ice down some of the ole Amber Current, will ya?

And a pip, pip cheery oh to you.

Dumbass.