Category: DWI

Drunk Lady’s Imaginary Friend was Driving

Over the Limit

As a Former Professional Drinker, I can tell you with all certainty and honesty that I have been fried, tie died and laid to the side on more than one occasion. Having said that, I can also tell you with a great deal confidence that I have never hallucinated or “had visions” after consuming massive quantities of Barley Pop and/or Tequila. Again to be forthright, I have paid much homage to the God of Porcelain and fallen asleep in strange places, but all that stuff was as real as waking up in all those strange places.

You see, I was a Professional Drinker, not some rank amateur gettin’ loaded on Boone’s Farm. Any Dumbass can of age can walk into a likker store and get some cheap shit to get blasted on, but I had friends that marveled my prowess as a consumer of fine adult beverages. I had standards dammit!

Chuck Was Driving

Somebody was driving in a Maryland neighborhood recently when the car was driven into the iron gate at an apartment complex. The local fuzz arrived at the scene and discovered a young lady standing alone outside the vehicle. They asked the woman if she had been driving the car. She said, “No. Chuck was driving.”

Problemo number uno: “Chuck” was nowhere to be found. And with good reason. There was no “Chuck”! The cops soon ascertained that “Chuck” was the lady’s imaginary friend.

Problemo numero two-o: The lady was fubar.

Blasted and Busted

It goes without saying that the ignunt bitch was arrested for DUI, DWAI, FUBAR and a bunch of other alphabetic crimes including S-T-U-P-I-D. She could have killed somebody for Pete’s sake!

Another thing, why in the name of Jim Beam would anybody, drunk or not, blame an imaginary friend for their crimes? I don’t get it. It’s not as if someone like, say, the Police could figger the out the deal.

And if you are gonna try to fake out the law with the old “My friend was driving” trick, pick a name that would be at least semi-believeable – a name like “Bulldog” or “Killer”. People named “Chuck” don’t drink and drive. “Charlie”, maybe. “Chuck”, never. I would have been laughed out of Texas if I got busted for DWI (and I didn’t) and blamed it some dude named “Chuck”.

“Chuck”. Indeed.

Penalties

There are very strict penalties against driving while drunk, as there should be, but sometimes they just don’t go far enough.

Any time somebody is caught while DUI and says “Chuck” did it, the penalty should be extra harsh and severe. For instance, these dumbasses should not be allowed to procreate. SNIP SNIP. On the spot. No questions asked. Bringing more stoopid drunks into the world is a crime against humanity. Only intelligent drunks should be permitted to make babies. I’m just sayin’.

This kind of punishment may seem unfair, even draconian, to many of you, but I assure you that society would be much better off without a bunch of panty waists driving around while blitzed. Leave it to the professionals.

Dumbass. 

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