Category: E D

Cure for Erectile Dysfunction? Breastfeeding for Grown Men!

I am at an age (55) when physical maladies that also beset millions of other Dumbasses of similar Life Seniority have begun to manifest themselves upon my person.  I am mainly talking about My close friend Arthur Itis and his cousin Fi Bro Myalgia.


While these discomforts are quite unpleasant to deal with, I am thankful beyond words that I am not afflicted with something really serious like cancer, heart disease or God forbid, E.D. While some of my body parts function with limited success, others do exactly what they were designed to do, and for that I am most happy.


Dysfunctional Ding-a-ling 


There’s a guy named Jeff from Parts Unknown, USA who says that he has problems with his pee pee. Jeff is only 34 years old, so this is indeed sad news for not only Jeff, but his better half, Michelle. It is great news, however, for Duracell or whoever manufactures the brand of batteries Michelle uses in her Battery Operated Boyfriend (BOB) when good ol’ Jeff can’t “tote the mail”.


Jeff and Michelle have searched far and wide for something that will make Jeff’s pecker “normal” again. I would assume that their search includes using hard-on medication like Viagra or Cialis. Quick aside: Why do the drug companies that produce pills that make a man’s willie stand up like a Georgia pine for extended periods of time advise you to seek medical help if your erection lasts longer than four hours? I have never understood this. I am telling you right here and right now that if I ever find myself in need of medical assistance in achieving a woody and I consume one of these drugs to help me out, I am riding that baby to Kingdom Come if that’s where it leads me. Medical attention indeed.


Jeff’s “Medical Assistance” 

E D Symptom Alleviators

Brother Jeff has come up with a novel method of  alleviating the symptoms of his Erectile Dysfunction. He drinks his wife’s breast milk! I am not making this up! 

The source for this story is the HuffandPuffnadBlowYourHouseDownington Post. Here’s an  extra long excerpt that takes this tale beyond the limits of stoopid, straight into the World of Dumbass: Jeff and Michelle, who wish to have their last names withheld, have been incorporating breastfeeding into their sexual routine since a few months after the birth of their first child. The girl, now age 2, has stopped breastfeeding, but Michelle, 27, is now producing milk for the couple’s 8-month-old son.

Jeff drinks his wife’s milk “straight from the source.” Not only do both partners find the process intensely erotic, but Jeff also says that it significantly alleviates his symptoms of erectile dysfunction.
The children have always received first priority when it comes to Michelle’s milk supply, Jeff noted.
The couple will be featured on the season 3 premiere of ‘Strange Sex.’ However, when Jeff and Michelle first submitted an application, they were hoping to be featured for a different fetish: vampirism.
Vampirism is “exactly what it sounds like,” Jeff said, though he added, “I do not need blood for sustenance.”
For Michelle and Jeff, vampirism is by no means a gory experience. The bites Jeff would give Michelle would “essentially be like a scraped knee,” with minimal amounts of blood.
The vampirism alleviated his ED symptoms “somewhat,” Jeff said, but the two practiced it fairly infrequently, partially due to the risk of scarring.
What This Means     
After careful and studied contemplation on the matter at hand, I have come to the inescapable conclusion that Jeff and Michelle are Dumbasses.
What did you expect me to say? That these two freaks are merely “expressing themselves”? I think they are expressing themselves all right, expressing themselves in a way that screams, “We are two fucking psychotics!”.  
Jeff, my man, go back to using the instant stiffy stuff. Drinking a nursing mother’s Boob Juice  ain’t cool, bro. I don’t care if your thingy is hangin’ there limp as an egg noodle that has been soaking in water for a week.
And that vampire gig? Bad joo joo.
Another thing, what are you gonna suck on when the “well” runs dry?
Never mind. I don’t want to know.
Dumbass. 
Thanks to the HuffPo for not (yet) suing my ass off for using the long excerpt. 
  
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