Category: Earl

DUI in Nebraska featuring Earl the God of Dumbass Irony

I have another extremely busy day ahead of me and I won’t have time to write a new post for today. BUT! I browsed the blog archives, which by the way you can find in the left sidebar by scrolling down a little, and went all the way back to November 3 , 2010 and found a real doozy of a “Dumbass News” story.

If you think nothing good ever happens in Nebraska, you’d be el correct-o. However! Plenty of Dumbass Stuff happens in Cornhuskerville. Read on to get a good profile of your average Nebraska youth. And remember the Official State Motto of Nebraska: “At least we’re not Iowa. But we wish we were.” 

Heh.

Sometimes the God of Dumbass Irony, or Earl as he is called, has a wickedly cruel sense of humor. For example, take 19 year old Matthew Nieveen, please(!) hahahahahaha Earl, the God of Dumbass Irony, must have waited years for this twist of fate to occur. It’s so unbelievable, it’s believable. The stars of the constellation “Dumbass” were in perfect order, the moon was in the seventh house, Mercury was in retrograde (which, according a friend of mine, is bad mojo waiting to happen) and the final ingredient of this recipe of ironic circumstance is one full tilt boogie dumbass. That’s where my man Matthew comes in. Matthew is a dumbass, as you’ll shortly see. Read the post first then get a look at the photo at the end of the article.

The story that pegs the Irony Meter takes place in Lincoln, Nebraska, where NOTHING good ever happens, unless it’s the annual ass-kickin’ that the Texas Longhorns put on the Nebraska Cornhuskers. That’s another thing about Lincoln, they call themselves Cornhuskers. What the fuck is a Cornhusker other than a guy who can husk corn? Do they have degrees in cornhusking at NU? Is the mere mention of the word “cornhusker” supposed to strike fear into the hearts of your athletic opponent? The only way the word “cornhusker” would scare the hell out of anybody is if all “cornhuskers” were women from Nebraska. But, I digress.

Back to our dumbass, Matthew, and his 15 minutes of infamy. Matthew goes to this party where alcoholic beverages are being served. (Since our story takes place in Lincoln, NE, the drinks served at this party probably have little umbrellas in them, but, again, I digress) The party in question is a Halloween party. So far, so good. (except for the drinks with tiny umbrellas in them) Matthew, who you’ll remember is only 19, goes to the Halloween party and has two drinks with little umbrellas in them and gets el drunk-o. I’d like to note for the record here, that the women Cornhuskers polished off two kegs of Pabst Blue Ribbon, while the boys had the drinks with little umbrellas in them. This is Nebraska, remember. Anyway, my main man, Matt, gets hammered and makes the foolish decision to drive home while being wasted on drinks with little umbrellas in them. While Matthew is operating his motor vehicle under diminished capacity, he gets pulled over by the Lincoln Police, who hate pansies like Matthew who drive drunk, especially when they are tanked on… you guessed it, drinks with little umbrellas in them.

The law then administers road side sobriety tests (which in Nebraska involved husking corn) to Matthew, which he fails miserably. He was, however, alert enough to present the arresting officer a keepsake little umbrella from one of his drinks he had earlier. The cop was not amused. (I just made that part up for dramatic dumbass effect).

IRONY ALERT! Guess what our man Matt was wearing when he got busted? A breathalyser costume! I. Kid.You. Not. This is almost as funny as a green turd in a punch bowl. Those Nebraskans, God bless ’em, have the misfortune of being cornhuskers, then Earl, the God of Dumbass Irony steps in like James Brown throwing a fourth and 2 pass from deep inside his own territory to his tight end and ends up with a 62 yard gain. Remember that, Cornhuskers? Earl could not have more cruel to our man Matthew than if he put one more second on the clock and your opponent kicks the field goal that costs you the Conference Championship (Obscure Texas 13 Nebraska 12 reference). Doggone that Earl, he’s trickster, ain’t he? A breathalyser costume! bwahahahaha  Life must be hell being a Cornhusker and life must really suck if you’re Matthew – drunk, in jail and out one little umbrella from a foo foo drink.

Dumbass.

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Funny Money & the Dumbass Who Printed It

Best of Dumbass News – December 24, 2010

Usually when we do a story like the one you are about to read, the Dumbass of the Story is easy to spot. However, today we are tasked with picking our Dumbass from a group of Dumbass wannabes! So, gather the family around whatever it is you gather your family around,  read the story and make a group decision! Take a vote and those who correctly guess who the Dumbass is will get a treat, such as an ice cream cone! Those who name the wrong person as the Dumbass of the Story will become Honorary Dumbasses themselves! It’s a win-win situation! Here’s today’s Dumbass Story:

  • Earl Devine of Lafayette, Indiana recently decided that he needed some money. So, instead of getting a job and earning some cash flow the old fashion way, Earl chose to take another path. He printed his own money! Counterfeiting is certainly a step in the right direction of becoming a dumbass, but our friend Earl went above and beyond the call of Dumbass Duty when he printed some fake $100 bills with Abraham Lincoln’s face on them! I am certainly no expert on everything that is on a $100 bill, but I do know that Honest Abe ain’t supposed to be on one. Ratcheting up the dumbass to new levels, Earl went on a spending spree with the fake bills (here’s where our 2nd Dumbass of the Day nominee comes in)  and fooled several merchants in town! Now this turn of events begs a question: What.The.Fuck?! I can only surmise that these “merchants” were products of the Lafayette Public School System. I can also surmise that the Lafayette Public Schools are run by dumbasses. I’m sure that, as we speak, the Superintendent of Lafayette schools is on the phone with the federal Department of Education pleading for more of our tax dollars to pay dumbass teachers more money to “educate” and graduate more dumbasses like these “merchants”. Good work if you can find it, I guess. Earl’s life of crime came to an abrupt halt when a bartender(!), who is probably not a former student of Lafayette schools, realized he had been paid with a phony $100 bill. He called the cops and soon thereafter Earl became a guest of the Lafayette Criminal Justice System. This story gets.even.better. When asked about the funny money by the local bird cage liner, “Detectives called the bills “excellent fakes” in spite of other errors, such as red and blue dots that suggested the bill was printed from an inkjet printer“. It’s now painfully clear to me that at least one detective is, like Earl and several local “merchants”, a product of Lafayette schools. I just can’t, and won’t, label the entirety of the LPD as dumbasses, but one of their detectives is the third nominee for the coveted Dumbass of the Day Award. In fairness to the local “merchants” I mentioned above, several other businesses in town and neighboring West Lafayette also received fake cash from Earl, so what the hell, they are potential dumbasses, too.  

Here’s my take: The whole damn town of Lafayette, Indiana is loaded with dumbasses. Having said that, I guess I won’t be getting a “Welcome to Lafayette” package from the Greater Lafayette Chamaber of Commerce should I ever decide to move there. I’ll scratch Lafayette, Indiana off my “Where to Retire List”. Getting back to our story, the detective who made the “excellent fakes” comment about the $100 bills with Abe Lincoln on them, is not our Dumbass of the Day. This guy’s job is tough enough without being tagged a dumbass, a moron maybe, but not a dumbass. As for the educators in the Lafayette School District, they are probably members of some teachers’ union, so they can’t be blamed for Earl’s level of dumbassery, they just do whatever the Union tells them to do. Being members of a  teachers’ union is approaching Dumbassville, but the teachers, like the fuzz, have a thankless job and at least they are consistently churning out quality dumbasses like Earl. The process of elimination leaves us with no other choice, as if there was another choice, but to crown Earl as today’s Dumbass of the Day! Earl, you can pick up your award in 10-15 years. In regards to the apparent Dumbass Epidemic in Lafayette, Indiana, I have a brilliant solution. Make it a mandatory part of certifying teachers and law enforcement personnel, that they go to bartending school before being accredited by the State of Indiana as a public servant. It seems that the bartender that busted Earl is the only one that knows that Lincoln is not on a $100 bill. Everyone knows he’s on the fifty.

Drunk Nebraska Dumbass Pegs the Irony Meter

I have another extremely busy day ahead of me and I won’t have time to write a new post for today. BUT! I browsed the blog archives, which by the way you can find in the left sidebar by scrolling down a little, and went all the way back to November 3 , 2010 and found a real doozy of a “Dumbass News” story.

If you think nothing good ever happens in Nebraska, you’d be el correct-o. However! Pleanty of Dumbass Stuff happens in Cornhuskerville. Read on to get a good profile of your average Nebraska youth. And remember the Official State Motto of Nebraska: “At least we’re not Iowa. But we wish we were.” 

Heh.

Sometimes the God of Dumbass Irony, or Earl as he is called, has a wickedly cruel sense of humor. For example, take 19 year old Matthew Nieveen, please(!) hahahahahaha Earl, the God of Dumbass Irony, must have waited years for this twist of fate to occur. It’s so unbelievable, it’s believable. The stars of the constellation “Dumbass” were in perfect order, the moon was in the seventh house, Mercury was in retrograde (which, according a friend of mine, is bad mojo waiting to happen) and the final ingredient of this recipe of ironic circumstance is one full tilt boogie dumbass. That’s where my man Matthew comes in. Matthew is a dumbass, as you’ll shortly see. Read the post first then get a look at the photo at the end of the article.

The story that pegs the Irony Meter takes place in Lincoln, Nebraska, where NOTHING good ever happens, unless it’s the annual ass-kickin’ that the Texas Longhorns put on the Nebraska Cornhuskers. That’s another thing about Lincoln, they call themselves Cornhuskers. What the fuck is a Cornhusker other than a guy who can husk corn? Do they have degrees in cornhusking at NU? Is the mere mention of the word “cornhusker” supposed to strike fear into the hearts of your athletic opponent? The only way the word “cornhusker” would scare the hell out of anybody is if all “cornhuskers” were women from Nebraska. But, I digress.

Back to our dumbass, Matthew, and his 15 minutes of infamy. Matthew goes to this party where alcoholic beverages are being served. (Since our story takes place in Lincoln, NE, the drinks served at this party probably have little umbrellas in them, but, again, I digress) The party in question is a Halloween party. So far, so good. (except for the drinks with tiny umbrellas in them) Matthew, who you’ll remember is only 19, goes to the Halloween party and has two drinks with little umbrellas in them and gets el drunk-o. I’d like to note for the record here, that the women Cornhuskers polished off two kegs of Pabst Blue Ribbon, while the boys had the drinks with little umbrellas in them. This is Nebraska, remember. Anyway, my main man, Matt, gets hammered and makes the foolish decision to drive home while being wasted on drinks with little umbrellas in them. While Matthew is operating his motor vehicle under diminished capacity, he gets pulled over by the Lincoln Police, who hate pansies like Matthew who drive drunk, especially when they are tanked on… you guessed it, drinks with little umbrellas in them.

The law then administers road side sobriety tests (which in Nebraska involved husking corn) to Matthew, which he fails miserably. He was, however, alert enough to present the arresting officer a keepsake little umbrella from one of his drinks he had earlier. The cop was not amused. (I just made that part up for dramatic dumbass effect).

IRONY ALERT! Guess what our man Matt was wearing when he got busted? A breathalyser costume! I. Kid.You. Not. This is almost as funny as a green turd in a punch bowl. Those Nebraskans, God bless ’em have the misfortune of being cornhuskers, then Earl, the God of Irony steps in like James Brown throwing a fourth and 2 pass from deep inside his own territory to his tight end and ends up with a 62 yard gain. Remember that, Cornhuskers? Earl, the God of Dumbass Irony could not have more cruel to our man Matthew than if he put one more second on the clock and your opponent kicks the field goal that costs you the Conference Championship. Doggone that Earl, he’s trickster, ain’t he? A breathalyser costume! bwahahahaha  Life must be hell being a Cornhusker and life must really suck if you’re Matthew – drunk, in jail and out one little umbrella from a foo foo drink. Dumbass. PIC BELOW**