Category: Easter

How Dumbasses "Celebrate" Easter!

Here’s a Dumbass Easter Story I wrote just after Easter Sunday last year.
 
Christians and Jews, just a couple of days ago, celebrated the Holiest Days of the Year in their respective religions – Easter for the followers of Jesus and the Passover for the celebrants of Judaism. Of course, remembering the triumph of God over sin reflects only the religious side of the Easter/Passover story.

To many people these days, Easter is simply a day for the kids to dress up in their Sunday-Go-To-Meetin’ finery, even if they don’t go to Sunday Meetin’, and hunting all the colorful eggs left behind by chickens who were raised on LSD or some really good ‘shrooms. But, I digress.

Briefly Personal

I must confess, no Catholic pun intended, that I have never met The Messiah face to face. I’ve never met Jesus either, although I do recognize Him as the Son of Man and the Founder of the Church that we know today as the Catholic Church. However, I am not here to do a post on my (or your) religious beliefs.

I am here to show you how some “Christians” choose to “celebrate” these Holiest of Days.

Take this family in Memphis, Tennessee. Please!!!

Mayhem in the Blues City 

Like millions of Christians worldwide, Annette Pearson was celebrating the holiday with some guests, another family. Annette had carefully hidden Easter eggs around her yard to be just difficult enough to find that the children present would be a bit challenged to find them. So far, so good.

But! You just knew that a big ass BUT! was about to rear its ugly head. This is, after all, Dumbass

News! 

One of the eggs that Annette had hidden was a “Grand Prize Golden Egg!” In it was $7! Seven dollars!? Are you kiddin’ me? A young crack head in Memphis can’t even buy a decent-size rock for seven bucks. seven big ones was evidently some serious cheese to one of Annette’s Easter guests from the other family, as he rather vociferously objected to what he thought was Annette helping her own kids to locate the Grand Prize Golden Egg with the $7 in it. This dumbass got so mad that the slapped Annette upside the head! Not just once, but twice!

This is when the real fun started.

What Would Jesus Do?

WWJD is  not a question that entered Annette’s freshly slapped head. Upon being assaulted over a $7 Grand Prize Golden Egg, she went inside her house and grabbed $25 Balck & Decker Claw Hammer.

The dumbass that smacked Annette on her skull soon found out that it didn’t matter what Jesus would do, it only mattered that Annette clobbered him upside his own head with the claw end of the hammer! The man was now bleeding like a stuck pig headed for the rotisserie at a Memphis BBQ Joint.

Did I note that the other family soon joined in on the brawl? They did. More mayhem ensued. Assholes, elbows and ball peen hammers were everywhere! No mention of the $25 B & D Claw Hammer at this point. There is a mention of the arrival of the Memphis Police Department, however.

Sadly, the dumbass who wailed away on Annette’s noggin was not arrested, but his wound did require four staples to close. Annette, on the other hand, was hauled off for $25 Black & Decker Claw Hammer Assault and is now enjoying the hospitality of the Shelby County Inmate Easter Club, headed up by janet Reno lookalike inmate, Julie “Spike” Snodgrass.

Happy Easter, Annette!

Dumbass.

Crackin’ Open Eggs & Skulls on Easter!

Amen




Christians and Jews, just a couple of days ago, celebrated the Holiest Days of the Year in their respective religions – Easter for the followers of Jesus and the Passover for the celebrants of Judaism. Of course, remembering the triumph of God over sin reflects only the religious side of the Easter/Passover story.

To many people these days, Easter is simply a day for the kids to dress up in their Sunday-Go-To-Meetin’ finery, even if they don’t go to Sunday Meetin’, and hunting all the colorful eggs left behind by chickens who were raised on LSD or some really good ‘shrooms. But, I digress.

Briefly Personal

I must confess, no Catholic pun intended, that I have never met The Messiah face to face. I’ve never met Jesus either, although I do recognize Him as the Son of Man and the Founder of the Church that we know today as the Catholic Church. However, I am not here to do a post on my (or your) religious beliefs.

I am here to show you how some “Christians” choose to “celebrate” these Holiest of Days.

Take this family in Memphis, Tennessee. Please!!!

Mayhem in the Blues City

Like millions of Christians worldwide, Annette Pearson was celebrating the holiday with some guests, another family. Annette had carefully hidden Easter eggs around her yard to be just difficult enough to find that the children present would be a bit challenged to find them. So far, so good.

But! You just knew that a big ass BUT! was about to rear its ugly head. This is, after all, Dumbass News! 

One of the eggs that Annette had hidden was a “Grand Prize Golden Egg!” In it was $7! Seven dollars!? Are you kiddin’ me? A young crack head in Memphis can’t even buy a decent-size rock for seven bucks. seven big ones was evidently some serious cheese to one of Annette’s Easter guests from the other family, as he rather vociferously objected to what he thought was Annette helping her own kids to locate the Grand Prize Golden Egg with the $7 in it. This dumbass got so mad that the slapped Annette upside the head! Not just once, but twice!

This is when the real fun started.

What Would Jesus Do?

WWJD is  not a question that entered Annette’s freshly slapped head. Upon being assaulted over a $7 Grand Prize Golden Egg, she went inside her house and grabbed $25 Balck & Decker Claw Hammer.

The dumbass that smacked Annette on her skull soon found out that it didn’t matter what Jesus would do, it only mattered that Annette clobbered him upside his own head with the claw end of the hammer! The man was now bleeding like a stuck pig headed for the rotisserie at a Memphis BBQ Joint.

Did I note that the other family soon joined in on the brawl? They did. More mayhem ensued. Assholes, elbows and ball peen hammers were everywhere! No mention of the $25 B & D Claw Hammer at this point. There is a mention of the arrival of the Memphis Police Department, however.

Sadly, the dumbass who wailed away on Annette’s noggin was not arrested, but his wound did require four staples to close. Annette, on the other hand, was hauled off for $25 Black & Decker Claw Hammer Assault and is now enjoying the hospitality of the Shelby County Inmate Easter Club, headed up by janet Reno lookalike inmate, Julie “Spike” Snodgrass.

Happy Easter, Annette!

Dumbass.

Celebrity Dumbasses: Roseanne, Spike, Hagar and More!

1 Tequila, 2 Tequila, 3 Tequila, Floor

Like it or not, the American public looks up to celebrities in ways that aren’t always, shall we say, healthy. Many of our fellow citizens look up to celebs as some kind of guru or some stoopid shit, when in reality, most celebrities are just stoopid shits themselves. Talent, or lack thereof, aside, many famous people are just as big a Dumbass as those who worship them.

Some of the more incredibly infamous stunts pulled by these “I’m Famous and Therefore Better Than You” assholes include Roseanne Barr’s screeching rendition of our National Anthem and more recently Spike “I’ll Take the Black Guy’s Side Because Whitey is a Raaaaacist” Lee’s tweet revealing the home address of the “White Hispanic” (whatever the fuck that is) guy who killed a black teenager down South. Spike did this despite the fact that there are conflicting stories about what actually happened! The shooter wasn’t black, so good old Spike jumped right in there condemning the “White Hispanic” guy because, well because he ain’t black. There’s one minor problem here. Lee tweeted the wrong address! The address put out there for the Twitterverse to see belonged to a couple in their 70s that had nothing to do with this whole tragic incident! Nice job, Spike. Bigoted asswipe.

Other Celebrity Dumbasses

There are more than enough Dumbass famous people who do idiotic things to belittle and berate, but I picked a few for today’s post that are real attention grabbers and surefire candidates for Celebrity Dumbass of the Year.

Behold:

Hagar Cabo’d When He Should Have Wabo’d Sammy Hagar is a nut case. Decades of nightly blasting of concert amplifiers have scrambled the Red Rocker’s gray matter. He claims that he was once abducted by aliens! And I don’t mean Meskins.

Remembering Kurt Cobain in a Very Special Way – Cobain’s widow, Courtney Love, has snorted many foreign substances up her nose over her lifetime, but non more special than Kurt Cobain’s cremated remains. No. Shit.

Doggie Therapy for Mariah’s Pooches – Mariah Carey is by most accounts a very nice, if not weird, young lady. With the voice of an angel also comes the brains of a spit wad. When Mariah was preggers with her twins, she put her dogs in therapy so the puppies would learn how to deal with the arrival of the baby bookends. No word yet on whether she’s breast feeding the dogs along side the twins.

I’m sure that I’ll be writing about more Dumbass Celebrities in the future, so these stories will probably seem tame in comparison with what is yet to come. I can’t wait!

Happy Easter & Passover 

I joke and cuss and demean Dumbasses on a daily basis on this blog, so the “Serious Times” are few and far between. I want to, however, wish all of you a blessed Easter and a spiritually edifying Passover. God bless you all.

Dumbasses.  🙂

Gawn Easter Egg Huntin’

I am taking the Easter Weekend off from blogging so I can meet with Peter Cottontail and finalize Easter plans with him for my two little girls.

Please use this time to look through the older posts and read the ones you may have missed when they were originally published. There’s some pretty funny and amazing true stories in the archives, so I am sure you’ll get a kick out of one of them.

Have a great Easter Weekend and I’ll catch up with you again on Monday!

Adios,
Toby