Category: Economy

Yale U: "Hey! Let’s Spend $385,000 of Taxpayer Money Studying Duck Ding Dongs!"

Disclaimer: I am not an economist. I am a Dumbass.

Having said that, being a Dumbass does not mean one is stoopid. On the other hand, being a Dumbass doesn’t necessarily preclude one from being stoopid. Unless of course one is speaking of the Federal Gubmint. But I digress.

Back to the economist thing…I am not formally trained in the field of economics. I am, however, well versed in the field of poverty. For example, I have a budget of “x” number of dollars each month. I gotta make do with “x” number of greenbacks or face the consequences. If I only have “x” dollars to work with, but I actually spend “x + 1” dollars, I have Officially Gone Into Debt. This is not a good thing. Since I have gone over my budget by a dollar, I have to either work to make a dollar to replace it or I have to cut back by a dollar on something else.

Pretty easy to understand, right?

Not if you are the Gubmint of the United States of America.

Let me splain.

Economy in the Crapper

I am not alone in not being a learned economist. There are at least 535 others just like me. And they all walk the Halls of Congress in Washington, DC. These men and women, elected by the people of our Representative Republic, have put this country in debt by over sixteen trillion dollars. 

This is what $16 trillion looks like:

That’s quite a stunning visual aid, ain’t it?
Lift Toilet Lid, Flush Money  
We could sit here all day and all night arguing about where to make cuts to the Federal Budget. There’s enough fraud, waste and pork to go around for all of us. But! There is one place I’m sure we can all agree on that goes beyond the pale, even for the U S Gubmint: the Study of Duck Dicks.
Yep, duck weenies.
The Gubmint of the United States actually paid almost $385,000 to Yale University to study various aspects of duck penises. Here’s some of the actual text from The Duck Ding Dong Study grant: “The project examines how reproductive morphology covaries with season, age, and social environment in a diverse sample of duck species that differ in ecology, territoriality and breeding system.”  That’s fancy schmancy Snooty Ivy League School Talk for, “Hey, fellas! You know how we can spend $385,000 of taxpayer money and have fun at the same time? By “researching” duck dicks!” 

If you think I am drunk and/or making this shit up, see for yourself at recovery.gov. <—–see that? (.gov) That means that this web site is run by the very people who voted to grant $385,000 to one of the most prestigious universities in the world to play with duck dongs! Talk about your Duck Dynasty!

Oddly enough, this is not our first foray into feathered friends foolishness. In one of our earliest Dumbass News stories, a Fwench guy was caught feeding marijuana to the ducks on his farm. In that story there was not one mention of Gus the Duck and Pot Guy getting his ducks stoned so he could take a close look at their peckers. 

Perhaps Gus should apply for a job at Yale.
Or the United States Gubmint.
Dumbasses.

***For Other Exciting Ways the Gubmint spends YOUR money, here’s a list of mind blowing ways your taxes get flushed from The Political Commentator***

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Budget Shortfall Solution? Dem Says "Tax Bicycles!"

Miss Cleo

Sunday’s Best of Dumbass News

Here we are in what is arguably the worst economic period in the United States since the Great Depression. Liberals, like the Dipshit in Chief, do what they do every time the economy turns even the least bit sour. They yell from the highest mountain top for higher taxes, especially on the rich. Despite having been proved a fallacy every time it’s been tried, Liberals continue to scream for more taxes. Sometimes, they refer to a new tax as a “fee”. It’s still a damned tax, dumbass! The latest liberal asswipe to want to confiscate more of your money is a Democrat (go figure) from New Jersey (go figure again) named Cleopatra Tucker of Essex, NJ.

Cleo’s brilliant idea is to tax bicycle riders by having them register their bikes! Now she wants the government to issue license plates for bikes! Wait a minute, this gets even better. Cleo’s reasoning for taxing your bike? This is Double Barrel Dumbass, folks. Cleo wants to tax your bike in order to make the streets safer for old people! What a dumbass! “My goal was to at least begin a discussion of how best to protect elderly pedestrians. No idea is perfect, but protecting elderly pedestrians deserves attention,” said Tucker. Dumbasspatra said that several old folks had called her office to complain about being knocked over by bike riders. Bullshit. Anyway, in Cleo’s mind taxing the bike is going to make it safe for the old folks of New Jersey to hobble down the street! What. The. Fuck? If an old guy gets knocked on his ass by a bicyclist, two things come to mind. One, he’s senile and is walking in the street or two, the bike rider is riding on the sidewalk and breaking an existing law. Oh, I apologize. I simply forgot how taxing and registering cars has virtually eliminated auto accidents. How stupid of me. I’m sure that police officers all over Jersey would be on the lookout for a six year old without a state-approved license plate on his bike. I mean, the cops don’t have a single more important thing to do than bust bike registration scofflaws. I am getting a headache.

After being called everything but a Child of God for the last week, Cleodumbasstra Tucker decided that maybe her idea wasn’t such a good idea. Ya think? Now bicyclists all over New Jersey are free to run over senior citizens at will once again and then Cleo baby will again call for some kind of tax to keep seniors safe from the menacing hordes of New Jersey bike riders. I have an idea, why tax the bikes when you can tax the old people! I’m sure there are more old people than bikes in NJ, so the revenue generated by this type of law would solve every conceivable economic problem in New Jersey.Tax ’em enough and they’ll all become shut-ins, thus keeping them safe from those evil bicyclists. And if a little old lady strolls on the sidewalk, she does so at her own risk and she’s fair game for the next Schwinn zooming by! That makes as much sense as anything Cleopatra Tucker has proposed.

Dumbass.