Once upon a time Fearless Leader was a Professional Drinker. As with all good things, this, too, came to an end.
Since You Asked
- No I did not waste my time on 12 Step Program.
- I went through a One Step Program.
- Cold Turkey.
- Over 3 years ago.
- I was not an alcoholic.
- Alcoholics go to meetings.
- I was a Drunk.
- No meetings required.
- Mrs. Fearless Leader threatened to throw me out on my sorry ass if I didn’t stop boozin’.
- She meant it.
- That was my One Step Program.
- No. Alcohol has not crossed my lips since then.
Now, “why”, you must be asking yourself, “would Fearless Leader give us a glimpse into a very private and personal part of his life?”
In spite of my best efforts to leave some kind of “I’m Not an Alcoholic, I’m a ‘Drunk’ Legacy”, all I left behind was a million or two empty beer bottles, a not uneasy task, but nonetheless not nearly as historic as what a guy in Pennsylvania accomplished.
Here is the story of John W. Saunders, mansion caretaker, and The Case(s) of Missing Whiskey:
The mystery of the missing whiskey has all the elements of a page-turner: a beautiful estate, a century in time, a thirsty thief and a bit of DNA on the lip of a bottle.
The story began to unfold in 2012, when Patricia Hill of New York bought a turn-of-the-century mansion in Scottdale built by J.P. Brennan, a coal and coke industrialist. During an $800,000 renovation to convert it into South Broadway Manor Bed and Breakfast, Hill discovered hidden in the walls and stairwell nine cases of Old Farm Pure Rye Whiskey bottled in 1912 at the West Overton Distilling Co. in nearby West Overton.
“My guess is that Mr. Brennan ordered 10 cases … pre-Prohibition,” Hill said. “I was told by his family that family members used to greet him at the door each day with a shot of whiskey.”
The live-in caretaker, 62-year-old John W. Saunders of Irwin, helped Hill move and dust off the whiskey several times.
One day, Hill found there was little left to dust.
Whiskey Bent & Hell Bound
There was “little left to dust” because over a period of time John W. Saunders saw fit to consume fifty-two bottles of the Old Farm. Keep in mind that this whiskey was bottled between 1912 and 1917, before the 18th Amendment to the United States Constitution went into effect. When you think of the Good Ole 18th, think Prohibition. In other words, this was some Historical Hooch. About $102,000 worth of Historical Hooch.
Upon being confronted about this Whiskey-a-Go-Go, John W. said (I swear I am not making this up) that the hooch probably evaporated and that because it was old, it was “probably no good.” What. The. Fuck. “Hundred year old whiskey ain’t worth a shit” said No. One. Ever!
This statement, and the matter of his DNA being found on some of the whiskey bottles,was John W.’s undoing. Once the Police stopped laughing, about a week later, John W. Saunders was arrested and charged. He must now navigate the legal system and hope for the best. And by “hope for the best” I of course mean “pray like hell that he won’t spend a good portion of the rest of Natural Born Days as an anal pin cushion” for guys named Shagnasty and Pumpkin, IYKWIMAITYD.
***Image from triblive.com***