|Dumbass Leaves Crime Scene|
When it comes to criminals, I get great joy from making fun of the really dumbass ones. Which of course comprises about 99.9% of the criminal population. Our man Aaron Braun of Ellsworth, Maine is in the top (bottom?) .001% of the criminally dumbass. A.B., as his fellow criminal dumbasses call him, got a brilliant idea to commit a burglary at a local plumbing supply store. He broke out a window on a side door to the business, made his entry, snagged $300 cash and made a clean getaway. Well…..an almost clean getaway. There was snow on the ground the night that A.B. committed his little breaking and entering. And the problem with snow on the ground is what? Yes! Footprints! A.B., dumbass burglar is also A.B. the dumbass who doesn’t realize that when you walk in snow, you leave footprints! But, wait! There’s more! (best cheap ass product commercial voiceover). Aaron didn’t have a getaway car standing by to make a clean escape. He walked to crime scene and walked home after committing the crime! So guess what? The police showed up investigate the crime and you know what they saw by the side door with the broken window? Yes again! Footprints! Footprints leading to a nearby apartment. Cops follow footprints to nearby apartment and knock on door. Door answered by (Ta-Da!) Aaron Braun! Aaron gets busted and is now a guest of the Hancock County Crossbar Hilton. Aaron, Aaron, Aaron…tsk tsk…Buy a damn car, dumbass! Or don’t rob a place while there is snow on the ground! Or just don’t rob any place. Especially for only $300. Dumbass. Do I have to do all the thinking for you?
Aaron was charged with a bunch of stuff and will undoubtedly be spending a few years making license plates for the State of Maine. During that time, I’ll be working on my next book. It’s called Burglary for Dumbasses, Don’t Leave Footprints in the Snow. That soon-to-be-bestselling treatise will be followed by another winner entitled Public Defenders for Dumbasses.
(hat tip bangordailynews.com)