Category: England

Drunk Guy Goes on Midget Tossing Rampage!

Physically speaking, I am a small man.Some dumbasses would say the same about my mental capabilities and character too. The ones who carry these ludicrous thoughts around with themselves are either 1) Liberals or 2) Those who wish to dethrone me as The Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde. Let me tell you sons of motherless goats in Group 2 that it ain’t gonna happen. As far as Liberals go, I ain’t skeered of a bunch of pussies who want to turn the USA into Fwance. What a perfect match. The Fwench wouldn’t fight to save their own mothers and Liberals won’t work to save their own mothers. I told you the Libs were pussies, and we already knew as much a bout the people of the Flag of Surrender. Knowing that, I’m pretty sure that my reign as The Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde is safe. But I digress….

No Fearless Leader Tossing

As I said up there^^^^^, physically I am not what you’d call a candidate to play Middle Linebacker for the Green Bay Packers. I am about a foot too short and at least a hundred pounds too light. As unimposing as I am, there are smaller men in the world than me who are imposing only in the movies and the WWE. Where I come from we call them “midgets”. They prefer to be called “Little People”. Forget that noise. My two youngest children (ages 4 & 9) are “little people”. A fully grown human bean that got the raw end of the “Verticality Stick” is a friggin’ midget! End.Of.Story. Besides, nobody in his right Dumbass Mind would dare to try to do some Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde tossing. Midgets on the other hand are thrown around, willingly in the great majority of cases, like a drunk hooker at a bachelor party. I’m just sayin’.

Drunk Guy Shot Puts Midget, Much to Midget’s Dismay

The Telegraph reports that “A dwarf claims he was partially paralyzed on his birthday when a stranger lifted and heaved him onto the hard ground outside an English pub.” Did I mention that there was a dwarf tossing event at the pub in question when this incident occurred? It’s not stated in the Telegraph article whether the midget victim, Martin Henderson, was participant in the “Mad Midget Weekender” as the show was called, nonetheless Martin was tossed like a salad at a Weight Watchers meeting. The tosser was a drunk bloke who Martin claims was encouraged by a drunk rugby team into giving Martin the Midget the ol’ heave ho. While I certainly sympathize with Martin regarding his injuries, that’s where my concerns for Martin come to an abrupt halt.

Martin Is a Dumbass

While no midget deserves to be blindsided and flung around for the sheer enjoyment of some inebriated asshole…oh, wait! That’s what dwarf tossing is all about! Watching teensy weensy full grown men getting pitched all over the pub to the bemusement of the likkered up assholes in said pub. What the hell was to be expected of a shit load of Brits drinking warm beer, for God’s sake? These are the same people who drink hot tea also! Haven’t these dumbasses ever heard of ice? No wonder the UK is going to Hell in a hand basket. Warm beer indeed.

Let me go through this ordeal step by step: 1) There is a “Mad Midget Weekender” 2) At a British pub 3) That serves warm beer 4) With a lorry load (<——a little Brit lingo there) of drunk dumbasses in attendance. I can’t see any potential problems with that set of circumstances, could you? Evidently Martin the Teensy Weensy Full Grown Man didn’t and look what happened to him.

Giving the Runt Credit

I won’t list them, but suffice it to say that Martin suffered some pretty serious injuries as a result of being unexpectedly dwarf tossed by some plowed dickweed and still has significant health issues from his experience. But is that what has Martin so pissed off about this ordeal? Not from what I can tell.

The reason that the Midget in Question is perturbed is because the impairments from which he suffers have ” derailed what he described as a promising acting career” Acting career? In what, short subjects? A mini series? After reading that, I am of the opinion that martin himself was a few pints along the Drunk Highway on the night in question. Again, I digress…..

The credit Martin is due is because all he wants out this horrible happening is an apology from the rugby that supposedly egged on the Surprise Dwarf Slammer into his commode-huggin’ drunk actions. After all, this could have rather easily a long drawn out court battle taking God knows how long to determine the outcome of.

Way to go, Martin Old Bean! Your sense of Justice is to be admired. However, your sense of the common leaves a lot to be desired. Wrong place, wrong time and all that sort of rot. (<—–more Brit lingo there). Have a nice rodeo warm beer on me, mate. But seriously get the pub owners to fucking ice down some of the ole Amber Current, will ya?

And a pip, pip cheery oh to you.

Dumbass.

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UK Guy Goes Fishin’, Catches Diver by Scrotum!

Scrotum Fisherman

Best of Dumbass News 

The story I am about to enlighten you with is something very close to what happened to me once while fishing, so I totally believe in its veracity. Besides, the British newspaper The Telegraph wouldn’t lie to us, would they? Of course not! (coughbullshitcough)

It seems that this British Guy was fishing for mackerel in the surf of the Atlantic Ocean near Exmouth, England, when he got what he thought was the bite of a lifetime. Heart pounding at the mere thought of a giant catch, British Guy set the hook and fought the beast for must have seemed like an eternity. The catch then surfaced and British Guy’s pounding heart sank into his shorts, exposing something he would not expected in a million years. He had caught a …wait…for …it…scuba diver! I swear I am not making this up. Adding insult to injury, the diver was hooked in the balls! This gets even better. The diver’s girlfriend surfaced about this time and removed the fish hook from the guy’s nut sack, swam to shore and, according to the fishing British Guy, “nonchalantly handed the hook back to me and apologised.” bwahahahahahaha! That’s great stuff right there. Those whacky Brits are a laugh a minute, aren’t they? Stiff upper lip and all that. If a fisherman hooked me in the manhood, I come up with a spear gun and send him to his Reward. I’m just sayin’.

The dumbass in this story is the Scuba Diver. Why? He was supposed to have a little floating marker that showed divers were in the area. He didn’t. Dumbass. British Guy also had this to say, “My brother-in-law’s a diver and he said it served the bloke right – at the end of the day he could have ruined his kit (British for “nut sack”) or even worse.” Off the top of my head, I can’t think of many things worse than a 1/0 fish hook embedded in my scrotum, but I am sure that such things exist. Where? I don’t know, but they must exist and I do not want to know about them. Enough said.

The moral of this story is that when scuba diving the diver must let fishermen, boats, whatever, know that he is diving in the area. The diver should also, unlike the diver in the story, wear a protective cup over his junk just in case. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of nut sack.

Dumbass.

Dwarf Ambushed & Tossed by Drunk Brit!

Physically speaking, I am a small man.Some dumbasses would say the same about my mental capabilities and character too. The ones who carry these ludicrous thoughts around with themselves are either 1) Liberals or 2) Those who wish to dethrone me as The Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde. Let me tell you sons of motherless goats in Group 2 that it ain’t gonna happen. As far as Liberals go, I ain’t skeered of a bunch of pussies who want to turn the USA into Fwance. What a perfect match. The Fwench wouldn’t fight to save their own mothers and Liberals won’t work to save their own mothers. I told you the Libs were pussies, and we already knew as much a bout the people of the Flag of Surrender. Knowing that, I’m pretty sure that my reign as The Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde is safe. But I digress….

No Fearless Leader Tossing

As I said up there^^^^^, physically I am not what you’d call a candidate to play Middle Linebacker for the Green Bay Packers. I am about a foot too short and at least a hundred pounds too light. As unimposing as I am, there are smaller men in the world than me who are imposing only in the movies and the WWE. Where I come from we call them “midgets”. They prefer to be called “Little People”. Forget that noise. My two youngest children (ages 4 & 9) are “little people”. A fully grown human bean that got the raw end of the “Verticality Stick” is a friggin’ midget! End.Of.Story. Besides, nobody in his right Dumbass Mind would dare to try to do some Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde tossing. Midgets on the other hand are thrown around, willingly in the great majority of cases, like a drunk hooker at a bachelor party. I’m just sayin’.

Drunk Guy Shot Puts Midget, Much to Midget’s Dismay

The Telegraph reports that “A dwarf claims he was partially paralyzed on his birthday when a stranger lifted and heaved him onto the hard ground outside an English pub.” Did I mention that there was a dwarf tossing event at the pub in question when this incident occurred? It’s not stated in the Telegraph article whether the midget victim, Martin Henderson, was participant in the “Mad Midget Weekender” as the show was called, nonetheless Martin was tossed like a salad at a Weight Watchers meeting. The tosser was a drunk bloke who Martin claims was encouraged by a drunk rugby team into giving Martin the Midget the ol’ heave ho. While I certainly sympathize with Martin regarding his injuries, that’s where my concerns for Martin come to an abrupt halt.

Martin Is a Dumbass

While no midget deserves to be blindsided and flung around for the sheer enjoyment of some inebriated asshole…oh, wait! That’s what dwarf tossing is all about! Watching teensy weensy full grown men getting pitched all over the pub to the bemusement of the likkered up assholes in said pub. What the hell was to be expected of a shit load of Brits drinking warm beer, for God’s sake? These are the same people who drink hot tea also! Haven’t these dumbasses ever heard of ice? No wonder the UK is going to Hell in a hand basket. Warm beer indeed.

Let me go through this ordeal step by step: 1) There is a “Mad Midget Weekender” 2) At a British pub 3) That serves warm beer 4) With a lorry load (<——a little Brit lingo there) of drunk dumbasses in attendance. I can’t see any potential problems with that set of circumstances, could you? Evidently Martin the Teensy Weensy Full Grown Man didn’t and look what happened to him.

Giving the Runt Credit

I won’t list them, but suffice it to say that Martin suffered some pretty serious injuries as a result of being unexpectedly dwarf tossed by some plowed dickweed and still has significant health issues from his experience. But is that what has Martin so pissed off about this ordeal? Not from what I can tell.

The reason that the Midget in Question is perturbed is because the impairments from which he suffers have ” derailed what he described as a promising acting career” Acting career? In what, short subjects? A mini series? After reading that, I am of the opinion that martin himself was a few pints along the Drunk Highway on the night in question. Again, I digress…..

The credit Martin is due is because all he wants out this horrible happening is an apology from the rugby that supposedly egged on the Surprise Dwarf Slammer into his commode-huggin’ drunk actions. After all, this could have rather easily a long drawn out court battle taking God knows how long to determine the outcome of.

Way to go, Martin Old Bean! Your sense of Justice is to be admired. However, your sense of the common leaves a lot to be desired. Wrong place, wrong time and all that sort of rot. (<—–more Brit lingo there). Have a nice rodeo warm beer on me, mate. But seriously get the pub owners to fucking ice down some of the ole Amber Current, will ya?

And a pip, pip cheery oh to you.

Dumbass.

Ice Cold Dumbass Pain Relief

Got a Headache? Try Ice Water

I found an article that is as near perfect as you can get for Dumbass News. What you are about to read is scientific evidence that being a Dumbass can be a good for your health! I say this with a caveat, however. The study that determined this stuff was done in England. And since England is evolving into a Third World Muslim Hellhole, I have concluded that English scientists are Third World Dumbasses. And pussies. Let me splain.

The Splainin’

These guys with nothing better to do than conduct research on the effects of cussing on your health, while their country is going down the loo, have come to a surprising conclusion. Cussing can be good for your health! You read that right you fuckin’ dumbass. Let go with the ugly words and you will feel better than ever! Well, that’s not exactly the truth. The pussy English guys who did this study came to the conclusion that those who cuss “moderately”, whatever the hell “moderately” means, can actually relieve pain! No shit? These morons did an experiment where 67 other English pussies put their hand into a bucket filled with ice water and repeated a cuss word over and over can do so for forty seconds longer than those who repeated a non cuss word over and over. BUT! if you cuss more than 60 times a day you won’t get any benefit from keeping your hand in ice water for a period of time. What? Here’s something straight from the pussy English scientists themselves, “And the study found those who swear as many as 60 times a day receive less pain relief than those who curse a few times a day. People who curse frequently do so without an emotional response, which reduces the pain-relieving effects, the study said.” Well that certainly clears that up.

My Own Scientific Conclusions

You mean to tell me that if cut off my cussing at 59 times a day I am gonna get some kind of pain relief? And all this time the myriad Doctors I’ve been seeing for my arthritis and fibromyalgia have been giving me enough bills to choke Roseanne Barr and all they had to do was tell me to cuss 59 times a day? I expected men and women who spent a hundred or more large earning a medical degree to know what they are doing. That theory is shot to hell. I smell a malpractice suit in the air. I’ll keep an eye out for Joe Bornstein, the TV lawyer who has his very own “800” number. Joe also handles disability claims, car wrecks and assault with a deadly midget. I know this to be true because the evil insurance companies lawyers always cower and shit their pants when the injured party says that Joe is their attorney. To think, I hired a local lawyer to handle my disability claim when I could have had some guy who the bad guy attorneys fear like Barrack Obama fears capitalism.

Questions 

How could the idiots that performed this study tell what caused the guinea pigs’ pain to moderate. Do they have a Pain-O-Meter or some shit? Also, how could they conclude that it was because the twits who kept their hand in the ice water longer do so because they were cussing? I want some fucking answers! Another thing…why in the name of all that is Holy would these spitwad -for-brains dumbasses want to cuss and keep their hand in a bucket of ice water!? My last question…who’s stoopid enough to carry around a bucket of ice water just in case they have a headache? Remember too that it’s very impolite to cuss in public.The really smart assholes who participated in this voodoo will put a couple of Guiness Stouts and a waterproof lunch container in bucket of ice water. A couple of Guiness will kill any pain you are experiencing, from a headache all way to a pick axe protruding from your skull, hand in ice water bucket not needed.

I Want Answers!
 
I’m sure you’ll agree that these are vital inquiries that cry out, nay, demand answers and I will not rest until I find them! I am afraid, however, that we’ll discover that the study took place in a methadone clinic. I’m just sayin’.

Dumbasses.

***Photo from Kool Czar Blog***

Sweater Puppies: Wonders of Nature

Wonders of Nature

I figured that the perfect subject for The Return of Dumbass News is boobs. Boobs are wonderful things . I love boobs. They provide nourishment to millions of babies around the world as they have throughout history. They also make tremendous sweater puppies during the right time of year. Nothing like a tight sweater holdin’ those puppies up and ogling like a pervert observing a wonder of Nature. But even boobs can be taken too far.

For example…there’s a dumbass Mom in the UK who was thoughtful enough to give ” her daughter Poppy a $10,000 voucher for breast augmentation surgery for her seventh birthday, UK tabloid Closer reports.” Poppy, the daughter, is SEVEN years old and she’s gonna have a rack. What the fuck is the dumbass mother thinking? There is one stipulation here. Poppy cannot get her boobs until she’s 16. If she naturally develops large hooters on her own, Poppy will receive other great prizes like a computer. I have a sneaky feeling that if Poppy ends up with bigguns through the natural way, she’ll end up on AOL showing them to horny men around the planet on her brand new computer!

Maybe Poppy’s mom has some effect on her daughter when it comes to fake tits and such. From the article, “
The 50-year-old has supposedly dropped more than $800,000 on her own plastic surgeries and plans to have her daughter watch her next series of treatments, slated for later this year. Burge remarked, “I want Poppy to see what will happen. Some people think it’s controversial and I get angry when strangers say I’m a bad mother because I don’t think there’s any harm in giving her this gift.”She added, ( I am shocked!- ed.) “Poppy is a normal kid who is good at sports and loves playing outside. Girls don’t want Snow White and Cinderella any more….I’m just supporting her and making her dreams come true.” It’s clear to me now. Fake knockers and and a few hundred grand on cosmetic surgery, on “normal kids”, of course, will make them popular and successful in life. Or a hooker with fake ta-tas who is “good at sports and loves playing outside”. I’ll bet. 

Dumbasses.

Wheel of Misfortune!

The Crud still has a firm grip on my gazebos, so I am still sick as a dawg. Unable to sally forth, I am re-posting a story from last November that was warmly received by dumbasses around the world. And by “warmly received” I mean rejected like it was contaminated with leprosy. Anyway, here ya go… 

 On game shows, things don’t always go as planned. You put people in an atmosphere where they could win a shitload of money and/or prizes, and things could, unintentionally, turn ugly real quick. I remember watching Wheel of Fortune (I think) long ago and the puzzle looked like this “N*GGER”. That is a recipe for disaster. At first glance, it looks very much like a racial epithet waiting to happen. But the correct answer was “NAGGER”. Still, what a dumbass thing to even let the appearance of something so vile be a part of the game.

Such an incident, while very rare, is not limited to American TV. There are plenty of dumbasses in other countries too. In England, the standards for TV are quite different than those of the USA. They are a little more “liberal” across the pond. For instance, I have seen episodes of some Chef Ramsey show of one kind or another where the word “shit” is not bleeped out. On other shows on whatever over the air dumbass UK channel you’ll see women with their “assets” exposed for all to see.

Which brings us to our story for the day. In jolly old England, on Channel 4, they air a show called “Countdown“, which I gather is a lot like Wheel of Fortune. But the British are very lucky because this show, Countdown, has neither hide nor hair of Keith Olberdouche associated with it.(Countdown. MSNBC. Olberdink. get it? Nevermind) Just sayin’. However, Countdown is not immune from its own dumbass moments. Not long ago, the show had a puzzle with the following letters in it: “DTCEIASHF”. Take a  minute to look it over and try to figure out what could possibly go wrong. I am gonna go check the mail, and I expect an answer from you when I get back. Your time starts now. OK, I’m back. If you guessed “SHITFACED”, you have solved the word puzzle the same way the contestant on the show did. While this a perfectly legitament answer, the dumbass producers of this show made a decision to re-tape the show (!) because of this answer, relegating this segment to the cutting room floor and keeping their “squeaky clean” reputations spotless. Dumbasses.

What the fuck? You dumbasses were the ones to allow this word puzzle on to your show, and then some poor dumbass gives a perfectly good answer and you shitcan it? It’s not like you dumbasses have any “standards” or anything. You dickweeds canceled Benny Hill for God’s sake. Well, maybe not Channel 4, but the same assholes that run British TV canceled Benny Hill. Dumbasses. And these idiots all the of sudden have scruples. Pardon me while I heave.

Solve this puzzle you British TV censor bitches. CUFK OYU MUDBESSSA.

I’d like to buy a vowel, Pat.

British Fisherman Catches 6 Foot, 200 Pounder, Then Releases It!

Scrotum Fisherman

The story I am about to enlighten you with is something very close to what happened to me once while fishing, so I totally believe in its veracity. Besides, the British newspaper The Telegraph wouldn’t lie to us, would they? Of course not! (coughbullshitcough)

It seems that this British Guy was fishing for mackerel in the surf of the Atlantic Ocean near Exmouth, England, when he got what he thought was the bite of a lifetime. Heart pounding at the mere thought of a giant catch, British Guy set the hook and fought the beast for must have seemed like an eternity. The catch then surfaced and British Guy’s pounding heart sank into his shorts, exposing something he would not expected in a million years. He had caught a …wait…for …it…scuba diver! I swear I am not making this up. Adding insult to injury, the diver was hooked in the balls! This gets even better. The diver’s girlfriend surfaced about this time and removed the fish hook from the guy’s nut sack, swam to shore and, according to the fishing British Guy, “nonchalantly handed the hook back to me and apologised.” bwahahahahahaha! That’s great stuff right there. Those whacky Brits are a laugh a minute, aren’t they? Stiff upper lip and all that. If a fisherman hooked me in the manhood, I come up with a spear gun and send him to his Reward. I’m just sayin’.

The dumbass in this story is the Scuba Diver. Why? He was supposed to have a little floating marker that showed divers were in the area. He didn’t. Dumbass. British Guy also had this to say, “My brother-in-law’s a diver and he said it served the bloke right – at the end of the day he could have ruined his kit (British for “nut sack”) or even worse.” Off the top of my head, I can’t think of many things worse than a 1/0 fish hook embedded in my scrotum, but I am sure that such things exist. Where? I don’t know, but they must exist and I do not want to know about them. Enough said.

The moral of this story is that when scuba diving the diver must let fishermen, boats, whatever, know that he is diving in the area. The diver should also, unlike the diver in the story, wear a protective cup over his junk just in case. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of nut sack.

Dumbass.