Category: Facebook

More "Dummies": The Flaming Dumbass Award for 2012!

Some men are born into Dumbassery, others have it thrust upon them.

The overwhelming majority of the stories on Dumbass News are about idiots who are natural born Dumbasses – people who come into the world with the Dumbass Gene embedded in their DNA. Other stories usually involve people who are suddenly eat up with a bad case of Dumbass-itis and something, shall we say “out of the ordinary”, happens. It is these Dumbasses that we will honor today.

The 3rd Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Awards are proud to present the nominees for the first-ever Flaming Dumbass Award!

May I have the fire resistant envelope, please…

I am proud to announce the winner of the 2012 Flaming Dumbass Award…

Using a Blow Torch to Rid Your House of Spiders! (And Yourself of a House) Guy! Such a simple task, yet such disastrous results. Let this story, and by extension this award, be a reminder that an attack of Dumbass-itis can unexpectedly hit anybody at anytime.

If you find yourself the victim of Sudden Dumbass-itis Syndrome there are some steps you can take to minimize, or even avoid, the negative impact this malady can inflict upon you and your loved ones.

  1. Don’t create a Facebook account.
  2. Practice tampon control. Realize that feminine hygiene products are possessed by agents of Satan.
  3. Dispose of all flammable materials in your house.
  4. Avoid matches and lighters at all costs.
  5. Do not incinerate household pests with blow torches when a rolled up newspaper will do the trick.
  6. If you fail to heed the warnings of the tips above, for the sake of all that is Holy, DO NOT procreate. Dumbass-itis is hereditary. We certainly don’t need another generation of human beans that carry your DNA. There are too many Liberals in our country right now. 
  7. In regards to Number 6: where’s my blow torch?

Dumbasses.

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Unfriended on Facebook: Leading Cause of Arson!

Unfriendly

Best of Dumbass News

Friends. What would we do without them? We’ve all had a friend who was more like a brother or sister than just a friend. He (or she) was the person you went to when your girlfriend broke up with you. Or when the death of a loved one changed life as you knew it. Or just to get hammered. Tommy Thompson was that friend to me. Always there when I needed a brother. Always there when a family tragedy struck. And damn sure always there when I was ready to make Adolph Coors Company, Golden, Colorado a lot richer. Then the fucker up and died on me. I’m still pissed at him. No matter though, Tommy is always with me in Spirit when I’m doing something stupid or that family thing happens. He’d probably kick my ass if he knew I quit drinking. Now that’s a friend for ya!

Besides missing my Best Friend Ever, I told that little story about Tommy for a reason. The reason? Dumbasses have friends, too. Like these two dumbass bitches in Iowa of all places.

Unfriended

I have been to Iowa. it’s a nice place. Middle America, corn, dumbasses….Jennifer Harris had a friend named Nikki. They were friends in real life and friends on Facebook. Then tragedy struck. Tragedy beyond your wildest dreams. Worse even than a death in the family. Nikki unfriended Jennifer on Facebook! Horror of horrors! This comes from the Des Moines Register, “According to Detective Jack Kamerick, the dispute had much to do with a Facebook event the former-best friends were planning. Jen asked Nikki to create an event on Facebook for a party. Nikki did that,” Kamerick told the Register. “As the date for the party approached there were a lot of ‘declines,’ on Facebook.”

In Des Moines, which is French for “my ass burns like the surface of the sun”, when you unfriend someone on Facebook, you had just as soon call the Pope a Jehova’s Witness. It’s serious bidness. Having been unfriended, Jennie became distraught. Very distraught. She was so distraught in fact, that she did the only thing she could do. Unfriend Nikki? Hell no. Nothing that serious. Jennifer promptly marched her unfriended ass to Nikki’s house and proceeded to set it on fire! Most of would think that setting your former best friend’s house on fire because you were unfriended on Facebook is a little on the extreme side. But this is Des Moines, Iowa we’re talking about here. What do you expect the people there to do? Build a Field of Dreams?

Dumbass.

30 Women Riot Over Facebook Comment!

The internet is a powerful machine. Facebook is a powerful cog in this powerful machine.

Generally speaking, Facebook is a great way to, like I do, stay in touch with friends and family or to reconnect with people you haven’t seen or heard from in many moons (a little Injun Lingo there). The social network is also a great source of comedic, if felonious, material. I should know. I have an FB account and it gets weird enough there, but the stories I come across when doing research for stuff to write about on this blog are, to say the least, fucking outrageous.

Troublemaker

Social Media Stoopididity

Some examples of Facebook Dumbassery that we’ve covered on Dumbass News include the story of a guy who stole some Christmas stuff then posted the details of his theft on his Facebook page! Another time a Florida couple got into a disagreement over a Facebook comment that landed them both in the slammer! Then in a touching Moment of Muslim Social Media Madness, a raghead somewhere named his newborn daughter “Facebook”! Allah will not be pleased.

But wait! There’s more!

Facebook Comment Incites 30 Woman Riot!

A good cat fight between two Dumbasses of the female persuasion is a man’s dream, even if it’s over something posted on FB.

This brawl then must be a man’s wet dream. Not only does it involve females at war over some stoopid shit placed on a Facebook page, it evolves into a full out free for all with over thirty bitches erupting into a full scale armed conflict, the likes of which have not been seen since the Beatles appeared at Shea Stadium in NYC in the mid 60s.

From the HuffPuffSnuffIsEnuffPost

More than 30 women gathered for a large street fight in Sacramento on Sunday afternoon, reportedly over a Facebook post.

According to Sacramento Police Department Officer Michele Gigante, the fight reportedly began when a woman saw what she interpreted as a suggestive post on her husband’s Facebook account from another woman.
“The incident is still under investigation,” said Gigante to The Huffington Post. “But it looks like the women then met for a fight, along with their friends or other people involved.”
By the time police arrived, the fight had already dispersed. But witnesses reported seeing at least 30 women using baseball bats, bottles, rocks and other weapons.
According to CBS, one woman reportedly broke a candleholder from a nearby memorial and used it as a weapon. At least two people were hospitalized.
“Two people really sustained major injuries,” said Sacramento Police Sgt. Andrew Pettit to CBS. “Those two people were reportedly hit with bats and they went to the hospital requiring stitches.”
CBSLocal in NutSackTown reported that after the melee, some of the brawling bitches went into a nearby convenience store for cold drinks! A couple of foatys (Hood Rat talk meaning 40s), no doubt.
On the Other Hand
What if this Clash of the Titans and Louisville Sluggers had involved a man’s comment to a woman other than his wife? Mayhem, massive bloodshed and a gazebo-removing frenzy would have ensued with gazebos rolling like Homeless Marbles down the streets of NutSackramento. 
Then the women would have jumped in and the REAL horror would have begun.
I shudder at the thought. 
Dumbasses.

30 Women Riot Over Facebook Comment to Dumbass’s Husband!

The internet is a powerful machine. Facebook is a powerful cog in this powerful machine.

Generally speaking, Facebook is a great way to, like I do, stay in touch with friends and family or to reconnect with people you haven’t seen or heard from in many moons (a little Injun Lingo there). The social network is also a great source of comedic, if felonious, material. I should know. I have an FB account and it gets weird enough there, but the stories I come across when doing research for stuff to write about on this blog are, to say the least, fucking outrageous.

Social Media Stoopididity

Some examples of Facebook Dumbassery that we’ve covered on Dumbass News include the story of a guy who stole some Christmas stuff then posted the details of his theft on his Facebook page! Another time a Florida couple got into a disagreement over a Facebook comment that landed them both in the slammer! Then in a touching Moment of Muslim Social Media Madness, a raghead somewhere named his newborn daughter “Facebook”! Allah will not be pleased.

But wait! There’s more!

Facebook Comment Incites 30 Woman Riot!


A good cat fight between two Dumbasses of the female persuasion is a man’s dream, even if it’s over something posted on FB.

This brawl then must be a man’s wet dream. Not only does it involve females at war over some stoopid shit placed on a Facebook page, it evolves into a full out free for all with over thirty bitches erupting into a full scale armed conflict, the likes of which have not been seen since the Beatles appeared at Shea Stadium in NYC in the mid 60s.

From the HuffPuffSnuffIsEnuffPost

More than 30 women gathered for a large street fight in Sacramento on Sunday afternoon, reportedly over a Facebook post.

According to Sacramento Police Department Officer Michele Gigante, the fight reportedly began when a woman saw what she interpreted as a suggestive post on her husband’s Facebook account from another woman.
“The incident is still under investigation,” said Gigante to The Huffington Post. “But it looks like the women then met for a fight, along with their friends or other people involved.”
By the time police arrived, the fight had already dispersed. But witnesses reported seeing at least 30 women using baseball bats, bottles, rocks and other weapons.
According to CBS, one woman reportedly broke a candleholder from a nearby memorial and used it as a weapon. At least two people were hospitalized.
“Two people really sustained major injuries,” said Sacramento Police Sgt. Andrew Pettit to CBS. “Those two people were reportedly hit with bats and they went to the hospital requiring stitches.”
CBSLocal in NutSackTown reported that after the melee, some of the brawling bitches went into a nearby convenience store for cold drinks! A couple of foatys (Hood Rat talk meaning 40s), no doubt.
On the Other Hand
What if this Clash of the Titans and Louisville Sluggers had involved a man’s comment to a woman other than his wife? Mayhem, massive bloodshed and a gazebo-removing frenzy would have ensued with gazebos rolling like Homeless Marbles down the streets of NutSackramento. 
Then the women would have jumped in and the REAL horror would have begun.
I shudder at the thought. 
Dumbasses.

Dumbass Steals Christmas Tree, Posts Details on Facebook

Confession is good for the Soul

Facebook. The dumbass gift that keeps on giving us dipshits that do dumbass things for the whole world to see. We have over the lifetime of this blog carried several stories about dumbasses on Facebook. For example, this one about a Florida couple who had some “domestic issues” when the lady changed her Facebook status. Hilarity and incarceration ensued. A-hab the A-rab named his newborn daughter “Facebook”. Really. Then yesterday we had the story of a dumbass bimbo who was “unfriended” on FB by her best friend. The bimbo then proceeded to set the best friend’s house on fire. The stoopid bitch is now in the Des Moines, Iowa Crossbar Hilton. Well, my un-friends, there’s another dumbass Facebook story that I feel I feel is worthy of its own page on Dumbass News. And it’s homegrown.

Mainely a Dumbass 

It is with great pride that I am able to bring you a dumbass on Facebook story that took place only 51.19 miles from where I sit right now, in the town of Falmouth, Maine. This is the biggest news to hit Falmouth since the traffic light went up the day before yesterday. Here’s the deal.


The Deal

An 18 year old dumbass, Tyler Winslow, of South Portland, Maine got a wild hair up his ass and decided to go to a Falmouth nursery to get a Christmas tree. Oh, he got a Christmas tree all right. He felled the tree with a 12 gauge shotgun! Tyler, which is a pussy name for a guy anyway, (he should have been named something manly like “Gus“) was on his way to committing the perfect shotgun-removed Christmas tree crime until he did something stoopid. Real stoopid. How stoopid? One word: Facebook. That’s how stoopid. The dumbass took pictures of the tree and told the world how he had gotten it by blasting away at it with a magic wand. Side note: “Magic wand is a slang word for shotgun. Here’s why: when wave a 12 gauge around in a crowd, people suddenly disappear.”

I think that Tyler TKWPNWSHBNG was overcome by his success, and forgot one minor detail about his caper. The Police also read Facebook. They did. He got busted and is now gonna spend his 19th birthday (his B-day is on Christmas Eve!) in jail. Now, that’s what I call Justice. This episode just goes to show that if you have a pussy name, steal a Christmas tree and put proof of your exploits on Facebook, you get what you deserve. On the other hand, since the nimrod’s birthday is Christmas Eve, maybe someone can slip a file into his Christmas stocking. Naaaah. They’d prolly just post about it on Facebook.

Dumbasses.

Unfriending On Facebook: A Leading Cause of Arson

Unfriendly

Friends. What would we do without them? We’ve all had a friend who was more like a brother or sister than just a friend. He (or she) was the person you went to when your girlfriend broke up with you. Or when the death of a loved one changed life as you knew it. Or just to get hammered. Tommy Thompson was that friend to me. Always there when I needed a brother. Always there when a family tragedy struck. And damn sure always there when I was ready to make Adolph Coors Company, Golden, Colorado a lot richer. Then the fucker up and died on me. I’m still pissed at him. No matter though, Tommy is always with me in Spirit when I’m doing something stupid or that family thing happens. He’d probably kick my ass if he knew I quit drinking. Now that’s a friend for ya!

Besides missing my Best Friend Ever, I told that little story about Tommy for a reason. The reason? Dumbasses have friends, too. Like these two dumbass bitches in Iowa of all places.

Unfriended

I have been to Iowa. it’s a nice place. Middle America, corn, dumbasses….Jennifer Harris had a friend named Nikki. They were friends in real life and friends on Facebook. Then tragedy struck. Tragedy beyond your wildest dreams. Worse even than a death in the family. Nikki unfriended Jennifer on Facebook! Horror of horrors! This comes from the Des Moines Register, “According to Detective Jack Kamerick, the dispute had much to do with a Facebook event the former-best friends were planning. Jen asked Nikki to create an event on Facebook for a party. Nikki did that,” Kamerick told the Register. “As the date for the party approached there were a lot of ‘declines,’ on Facebook.”


In Des Moines, which is French for “my ass burns like the surface of the sun”, when you unfriend someone on Facebook, you had just as soon call the Pope a Jehova’s Witness. It’s serious bidness. Having been unfriended, Jennie became distraught. Very distraught. She was so distraught in fact, that she did the only thing she could do. Unfriend Nikki? Hell no. Nothing that serious. Jennifer promptly marched her unfriended ass to Nikki’s house and proceeded to set it on fire! Most of would think that setting your former best friend’s house on fire because you were unfriended on Facebook is a little on the extreme side. But this is Des Moines, Iowa we’re talking about here. What do you expect the people there to do? Build a Field of Dreams?

Dumbass.

Hat tip to Heather the Dumbass Wife, But Great Cook.  🙂

A Facebook Love Story…Or Not.

The Bane of Civilization?

Facebook. You’ve got Facebook. I’ve got Facebook. All God’s children got Facebook. Or so it seems. For me Facebook has been a valuable tool in my “online life”. Through Facebook, I have connected with friends that I hadn’t heard from in thirty-five years. I have also used Facebook to promote all my blogs, including this one, with amazing results. I’m sure there are tens of millions of other people around the world who have had similar experiences with the social network. This is not the case with everyone, however.

Take this dumbass couple from Brooksville, Florida. Please! They were evidently having some domestic issues when the lady changed her relationship status on facebook and the guy went ape shit.To make matters worse, she had the unmitigated gall to “unfriend” him. As you and I know this is not a good sign of domestic tranquility. Especially for dumbasses. However, this is where hilarity ensues.

The chick started throwing things at the dude, who retaliated by throwing stuff back at her and then punching her in the head. God knows what would have happened if she turned down his request to play Farmville. We could be talking murder one here. Long story, short. The cops came heard both sides of the story and then hauled both these dumbasses of to jail on charges of domestic violence. That’s a helluva price to pay for being “unfriended” on Facebook.

Upon arrival at the County Jail, one of the arresting officers was overheard to say, “Facebook ’em, Danno”  🙂  Dumbasses.