Category: Fart

Gubmint Employee Reprimanded for Farting at Work!

I am a simple man (cue Lynyrd Skynyrd). I have always been in awe of the things that so many people take for granted. Like the stars. We see them every night of our lives and over time they are kind of “just there” to most people. Not to me though. There’s not a time I go outside at night and not think of the majesty of those seemingly tiny twinkling lights in the nighttime sky. Think about it for a moment. The star light you are looking at has traveled through the vastness of outer space for billions of light years and is just now visible to the human eye. In essence, you are looking back in time.

Another thing that simply amazes me are tomato seeds. I just can’t wrap my mind around the fact that something so tiny can, when put into some dirt, watered and given the requisite amount of sunlight, produce a marvel of Nature like a big fat beefsteak tomato. How the hell does that work like that? I don’t know and I don’t care. All I know is that it does work and I ain’t askin’ questions.

Which brings us to farting.

A Real Gone Gasser

I am sure that it will come as no surprise to you that stories about farting are not new to Dumbass News. It was almost two years ago to the day that I wrote about the nation of Malawi’s proposed law to ban farting under certain circumstances like:“insulting the modesty of a woman,” “disturbing religious assemblies” and “trespassing on burial places”. Pffffffffttttt!

Last summer I told you about a guy who threatened to shoot his neighbor for farting! This post is doubly entertaining as it also has a brief etymology of the word “fart”.

While outlawing gaseous anal emissions and/or shooting another human bean because he broke wind may be a bit on the extreme side, being reprimanded for farting at work is not.

Hostile Work Environment  

The U.S. Social Security Administration said it has rescinded a reprimand filed against an employee for creating a “hostile work environment” by passing gas.
The reprimand, which became public when it was posted on TheSmokingGun website, was filed against a worker accused by co-workers of creating a “hostile work environment” by continuously passing gas and releasing an unpleasant odor, The Washington Post reported Friday.

The agency said the reprimand has now been rescinded.

“When senior management became aware of the reprimand it was immediately rescinded,” spokeswoman Dorothy Clark said.

The Social Security Administration did not offer a date for the rescinding action or respond to questions about the status of the employee.

The reprimand was filed by the agency’s Office of Disability Operations and cited 60 occasions when the worker was accused of passing gas — up to nine times per day — in his office over the course of about 12 weeks.

The employee was described by TheSmokingGun as a 38-year-old man working at a Social Security office in Baltimore. 

Is nothing sacred anymore?

When an employer can reprimand, or even possibly terminate, you because you exercise your Constitutionally-guaranteed (it falls under the “pursuit of happiness” or something) right to let one rip, then that employer must be held accountable! 

Revolt! 

Eat more beans!

Do not be silent! (but deadly)

Fart like there’s no tomorrow!

Dumbasses.

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Guy Farts, Neighbor Threatens to Shoot Him!

Best of Dumbass News

Fearless Leaders lead. That’s what I do for you every day. I lead you. I lead you into the depths of human depravity and dumbassery. I must say, however, that this blog can be educational as well. Today for example, we will study etymology. Wikipedia defines etymology thusly, “the study of the history of words, their origins, and how their form and meaning have changed over time.” 

The word we’ll take a look at today is one that is used and actually practiced daily here at the Dumbass Dome. The word is “fart”. I know it will come as a surprise to many of you that your Fearless Leader would engage in such juvenile vulgarity. (coughcoughbullshitcoughcough) Moving right along…

As we all know, “farting”, or in the vernacular, “letting one rip”, “here’s a kiss for you” or “cutting the cheese”, is the process in which digestive gasses are forced through the anus at super sonic speeds. This type of “fart” is often referred to as a “gasser”. Men are the main emitters of such farts, truck drivers being the most notable. My Old Man was a trucker for over 40 years and, believe you me, I know a gasser when I hear one.

Females, on the other hand, “fluff” or “poot” when they emit anal gas., with “fluff” being the quieter of the two types of farting.

How “Fart” Came About

Not being an expert in etymology, I have turned to others more knowledgeable than I. A brief look at the word “fart” from Wiktionary informs us:

Etymology

Pronunciation

Verb

fart (third-person singular simple present farts, present participle farting, simple past and past participle farted)

  1. (informal, mildly vulgar) To emit digestive gases from the anus; to flatulate.
  2. (colloquial, usually as “fart around) To waste time with idle and inconsequential tasks; to go about one’s activities in a lackadaisical manner; to be lazy or over-relaxed in one’s manner or bearing.

Edified yet?

An Almost Gone Gasser

On the surface Daniel Collins of Teaneck, New Jersey looks any other 72 year old would-be felon galavanting around the city. Recently, however, Daniel erased “would-be” from his resume. Although not yet convicted by a jury of his peers, Collins’ likely destination in the very near future is Prison Bitchville.

This Guy Hates Farts

You see, Dirty Dan had an ongoing dispute going on with one of his neighbors when the feud erupted. Literally. The neighbor was coming home from a drunken night of heavy crack cocaine usage when he was strolling by Dan’s apartment door. As he was meandering through the hallways of Teaneck’s finest soon-to-be condemned slum, he had the urge to fart. So he did. It was this gaseous emission that sent Daniel Collins over the edge.

Upon hearing the fartage from his passing neighbor, good ol’ Dan rush to his dresser drawer and grabbed a handgun! He then confronted the fartor while brandishing said firearm and threatened to “put a hole” in his head. Letting one ripin public is certainly not very courteous, but “putting a hole” in the gasser’s head is a bit of a harsh reaction when a simple “quit the fucking farting in the hallway, you uncivilized asshole” would have sufficed. Geez, some fucking people. But at least this is the USA, Land of the Free and Home of the Brave, where a man can still fart without fear of persecution from the Gubmint. A deranged neighbor may blow your shit away, but you can still fart free!

It goes without saying that Dan was arrested and believe it or not, released from jail on his own recognizance! What. The. Hell!

Justice awaits Dan “The Man” Collins. If there is any Justice (and irony) in the world, he’ll get the gas chamber.

Dumbass.

Dumbass Threatens to Shoot Neighbor Who Farted! Bonus: History of "Fart"!

Fearless Leaders lead. That’s what I do for you every day. I lead you. I lead you into tje depths of human depravity and dumbassery.I must say, however, that this blog can be educational as well. Today for example, we will study etymology. Wikipedia defines etymology thusly, “the study of the history of words, their origins, and how their form and meaning have changed over time.” 

The word we’ll take a look at today is one that is used and actually practiced daily here at the Dumbass Dome. The word is “fart”. I know it will come as a surprise to many of you that your Fearless Leader would engage in such juvenile vulgarity. (coughcoughbullshitcoughcough) Moving right along…

As we all know, “farting”, or in the vernacular, “letting one rip”, “here’s a kiss for you” or “cutting the cheese”, is the process in which digestive gasses are forced through the anus at super sonic speeds. This type of “fart” is often referred to as a “gasser”. Men are the main emitters of such farts, truck drivers being the most notable My Old Man was a trucker for over 40 years and, believe you me, I know a gasser when I hear one.

Females, on the other hand, “fluff” or “poot” when they emit anal gas., with “fluff” being the quieter of the two types of farting.

How “Fart” Came About

Not being an expert in etymology, I have turned to others more knowledgeable than I. A brief look at the word “fart” from Wiktionary informs us:

Etymology

Pronunciation

Verb

fart (third-person singular simple present farts, present participle farting, simple past and past participle farted)

  1. (informal, mildly vulgar) To emit digestive gases from the anus; to flatulate.
  2. (colloquial, usually as “fart around) To waste time with idle and inconsequential tasks; to go about one’s activities in a lackadaisical manner; to be lazy or over-relaxed in one’s manner or bearing.

Edified yet?

An Almost Gone Gasser

On the surface Daniel Collins of Teaneck, New Jersey looks any other 72 year old would-be felon galavanting around the city. Recently, however, Daniel erased “would-be” from his resume. Although not yet convicted by a jury of his peers, Collins’ likely destination in the very near future is Prison Bitchville.

This Guy Hates Farts

You see, Dirty Dan had an ongoing dispute going on with one of his neighbors when the feud erupted. Literally. The neighbor was coming home from a drunken night of heavy crack cocaine usage when he was strolling by Dan’s apartment door. As he was meandering through the hallways of Teaneck’s finest soon-to-be condemned slum, he had the urge to fart. So he did. It was this gaseous emission that sent Daniel Collins over the edge.

Upon hearing the fartage from his passing neighbor, good ol’ Dan rush to his dresser drawer and grabbed a handgun! He then confronted the fartor while brandishing said firearm and threatened to “put a hole” in his head. Letting one ripin public is certainly not very courteous, but “putting a hole” in the gasser’s head is a bit of a harsh reaction when a simple “quit the fucking farting in the hallway, you uncivilized asshole” would have sufficed. Geez, some fucking people. But at least this is the USA, Land of the Free and Home of the Brave, where a man can still fart without fear of persecution from the Gubmint. A deranged neighbor may blow your shit away, but you can still fart free!

It goes without saying that Dan was arrested and believe it or not, released from jail on his own recognizance! What. The. Hell!

Justice awaits Dan “The Man” Collins. If there is any Justice (and irony) in the world, he’ll get the gas chamber.

Dumbass.

Malawi Looks to Ban Farting!

According to the Chinese calendar, 2011 is the Year of the Rabbit. But according to the Dipshit Calendar, 2011 is the Year of the Dumbass. And, ladies and gentlemen, the dumbasses of the world have not let us down so far in this young year.

The Next Malawian Law?

We bitch and moan about the dumbasses that we have elected to our gubmint, and rightfully so, but we rarely whine and complain about foreign leaders. That is about to change. While we are supplied with an endless flow of dumbass in the USA, ours aren’t the only dumbasses elected to High Office. Take Malawi, please! for example. What’s that? Where’s Malawi? I think it’s near New Jersey. What do I look like? A Rand-McNally Atlas? But, I digress.

In Malawi, which is a New Jersey Secret Code Word for “our women are ugly and at least we’re not Delaware”, that nation’s President is calling for a law to outlaw farting in some instances. In my opinion, this law doesn’t pass the smell test. (insert your own fart joke here) I am not making this stuff up. The UPI, which does make up stuff, reports that the proposed Fart Law will “include measures to ban “passing gas” with the intention to “mold responsible and disciple citizens,” “insulting the modesty of a woman,” “disturbing religious assemblies” and “trespassing on burial places”. Let’s break down this proposal into sections. The first section we’ll observe is the “Intention to Mold Responsible and Disciple Citizens” Section”. What. The. Hell.? How in the world can the fart-or “mold” a fart-ee? Will the fart-ee’s face become molded into a “holy shit that thing stinks” look when somebody lets one rip? You know, like your Mom told you when you were  kid. “If you keep making that hideous face it will freeze like that forever.” Furthermore, what if some Malawian prankster got his hands on a whoopie cushion and went all over the place “farting” and causing other Malawians’ faces to “freeze like that”? would that be a crime? If so, what would the punishment be? On to the “Insulting the Modesty of a Woman Section” of this would-be law. If a modest woman, the fart-ee marries a flatulent man, the fart-or, can she testify against him in a court of law? If not, then her status as a fart-ee is immaterial to the case, and she must suffer the life of a fart-ee married to a fart-or until death do they fart part. Thank goodness there is opposition to this statute. The Main Opposition Guy said the bill, which would also impose penalties on people posing as fortune tellers, would create a “kangaroo-like court” that would “not be ideal for a democracy.”Yeah, fart-ors and fortune tellers are the bane of a civilized society, aren’t they?

Just remember this. When they outlaw farts, only outlaws will have farts. Dumbasses.