Category: Fat Guy

Dead Fat Guy Rejected by Science!

Things didn’t go as well as planned for Mrs. Fearless Leader’s surgery yesterday, but thank God she is doing fine. It’s a long story I won’t go into, but suffice it to say it was an excruciating ordeal. We are all exhausted, to say the least.

She just ordered me to make her a sammich, so I guess the anesthesia has worn off.

Dammit.

Best of Dumbass News

A couple of weeks ago I wrote that all you Dumbasses had a reason to get fat. Or fatter as the case may be. That was because July was National Ice Cream Month. It’s a good thing that July ended and we are now wrapping up the first week of August. Now you can’t use ice cream as a crutch to pork up with.

I have yet another reason for you civic-minded Dumbasses to stay below three bills.

Let me splain.

Science Schmience

Down in New York a fat guy died. That’s not so unusual as fat people die every day. So do skinny folks. And those in between. When the Big Guy calls your number, there ain’t nuthin’ you can do about it, fat, skinny or medium. It’s AMF (AMF = Adios Mother Fucker)

Anyway, the Fat Guy died of a heart attack and in his will he left his body to science. Problem is, Science didn’t want it. Why? You guessed it. It was too fat! What this Dead Fat Guy’s rather obese (he weighed in at over 300lbs.) corpse ever did to Science, I don’t know. Don’t Dead Fat Guys have something to contribute to Science after they buy the farm?

I just don’t get it. Couldn’t Science dissect this Dead Fat Guy’s body like a frog in 10th grade biology class and learn something from it? Like some shit about heart disease or diabetes or Twinkies. Something! After all, the guy was nice enough to suffer a massive coronary and keel over and leave his remains to Science. What if this particular corpse held the secret to curing some currently incurable illness?

Science is an ungrateful bitch, ain’t it?

Enter Dead Fat Guy’s Family

We now know that Science turned down the Dead Fat Guy’s habeus corpus christi cum laude McDonaldus. Which is more than could be said for the Dead Fat Guy’s Faimly. Science waited a full thirteen days before giving the unwanted corpus dilecti back to the bereaved.

It is at this point that The Bereaved became The Pissed Off.

I am not a Scientist but if my memory and common sense serve me correctly, a Dead Fat Guy can become a Dead Fat Decomposed Blob after a few days, much less nearly two weeks.

Which brings out the curiosity in me.

  • If Science is so smart, how is it that it forgets to refrigerate a Dead Fat Guy while he is being turned down by Science itself? A body kept at the proper ambient temperature wouldn’t rot that fast, would it? Inquiring Dumbasses wanna know.
  • Now, if Science did indeed forget to properly preserve the remains of the Dead Fat Guy, wouldn’t it, you know, notice that he was  doing the ashes to ashes thing?
  • If not, why?
  • I don’t know.

The Pissed Off, formerly the Dead Fat Guy’s Family, was not amused to the point of filing a lawsuit against Science! Science in this case being the hospital that let the Dead Fat Guy rot to hell. To be fair, the hospital said it tried to donate the Dead Fat Guy to various Dead Fat Guy Body Snatchers but had no takers. Still, thirteen days? I think that if the Dead Fat Guy were the Alive Fat Guy and knew all this was going on, his feelings would be hurt. But he’s still AMF’ed and he doesn’t give a shit one way or the other.

Suggestion

Again, I am not a Scientist, but even a Dumbass like me knows that you don’t let a Dead Fat Guy lay around for thirteen days before returning the body to whomever. Why couldn’t these Smarty Pants Science Guys at least fake accepting the Dead Fat Guy? It seems to me that that would be much more “scientific”, not to mention a lot nicer, than giving back a decomposed Dead Fat Guy after thirteen days. Could Science have not just taken out a spleen or gizzard or something and fulfilled the Dead Fat Guy’s last wishes and saved The Pissed Off from being pissed off and filing lawsuits. This is what’s known in the vernacular as “covering your ass”. The Dead Fat Guy’s Family would have been none the wiser, still grieving over the loss of their loved one and out of court. Now, though, they are The Pissed Off and a certain medical facility has a lot of splainin’ and a lot of check writin’ to do to The Pissed Off.

It all could have been much more pleasant and diginified had Science simply sent back the Dead Fat Guy within a day or two. Postage paid, of course.

Scientifically speaking, Science is a….

…Dumbass.

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Science Rejects Dead Fat Guy!

A couple of weeks ago I wrote that all you Dumbasses had a reason to get fat. Or fatter as the case may be. That was because July was National Ice Cream Month. It’s a good thing that July ended and we are now wrapping up the first week of August. Now you can’t use ice cream as a crutch to pork up with.

I have yet another reason for you civic-minded Dumbasses to stay below three bills.

Let me splain.

Science Schmience

Down in New York a fat guy died. That’s not so unusual as fat people die every day. So do skinny folks. And those in between. When the Big Guy calls your number, there ain’t nuthin’ you can do about it, fat, skinny or medium. It’s AMF (AMF = Adios Mother Fucker)

Anyway, the Fat Guy died of a heart attack and in his will he left his body to science. Problem is, Science didn’t want it. Why? You guessed it. It was too fat! What this Dead Fat Guy’s rather obese (he weighed in at over 300lbs.) corpse ever did to Science, I don’t know. Don’t Dead Fat Guys have something to contribute to Science after they buy the farm?

I just don’t get it. Couldn’t Science dissect this Dead Fat Guy’s body like a frog in 10th grade biology class and learn something from it? Like some shit about heart disease or diabetes or Twinkies. Something! After all, the guy was nice enough to suffer a massive coronary and keel over and leave his remains to Science. What if this particular corpse held the secret to curing some currently incurable illness?

Science is an ungrateful bitch, ain’t it?

Enter Dead Fat Guy’s Family

We now know that Science turned down the Dead Fat Guy’s habeus corpus christi cum laude McDonaldus. Which is more than could be said for the Dead Fat Guy’s Faimly. Science waited a full thirteen days before giving the unwanted corpus dilecti back to the bereaved.

It is at this point that The Bereaved became The Pissed Off.

I am not a Scientist but if my memory and common sense serve me correctly, a Dead Fat Guy can become a Dead Fat Decomposed Blob after a few days, much less nearly two weeks.

Which brings out the curiosity in me.

  • If Science is so smart, how is it that it forgets to refrigerate a Dead Fat Guy while he is being turned down by Science itself? A body kept at the proper ambient temperature wouldn’t rot that fast, would it? Inquiring Dumbasses wanna know.
  • Now, if Science did indeed forget to properly preserve the remains of the Dead Fat Guy, wouldn’t it, you know, notice that he was  doing the ashes to ashes thing?
  • If not, why?
  • I don’t know.

The Pissed Off, formerly the Dead Fat Guy’s Family, was not amused to the point of filing a lawsuit against Science! Science in this case being the hospital that let the Dead Fat Guy rot to hell. To be fair, the hospital said it tried to donate the Dead Fat Guy to various Dead Fat Guy Body Snatchers but had no takers. Still, thirteen days? I think that if the Dead Fat Guy were the Alive Fat Guy and knew all this was going on, his feelings would be hurt. But he’s still AMF’ed and he doesn’t give a shit one way or the other.


Suggestion

Again, I am not a Scientist, but even a Dumbass like me knows that you don’t let a Dead Fat Guy lay around for thirteen days before returning the body to whomever. Why couldn’t these Smarty Pants Science Guys at least fake accepting the Dead Fat Guy? It seems to me that that would be much more “scientific”, not to mention a lot nicer, than giving back a decomposed Dead Fat Guy after thirteen days. Could Science have not just taken out a spleen or gizzard or something and fulfilled the Dead Fat Guy’s last wishes and saved The Pissed Off from being pissed off and filing lawsuits. This is what’s known in the vernacular as “covering your ass”. The Dead Fat Guy’s Family would have been none the wiser, still grieving over the loss of their loved one and out of court. Now, though, they are The Pissed Off and a certain medical facility has a lot of splainin’ and a lot of check writin’ to do to The Pissed Off.

It all could have been much more pleasant and diginified had Science simply sent back the Dead Fat Guy within a day or two. Postage paid, of course.

Scientifically speaking, Science is a….

…Dumbass.

Infected Fearless Leader and a Fat Guy Sues White Castle Burgers

I have contracted an incurable disease normally found only in the deepest darkest jungles of the Amazon Basin. OK, I made that up. I have, however, come up with a dandy case of The Crud. My wife has been sick for a few weeks and she was nice enough to pass The Crud on to me. I’d like to thank her for that, but I can’t. I’d like to call her names too for making me sick, but she’d just beat me up, so I think I’ll just suffer through whatever The Crud brings me. I hope to be back tomorrow. In the meantime, here’s a story I wrote back in September I think you’ll like 


Toby
Fearless, But Infirm Leader of the Dumbass Horde
 There’s a fat guy in Nanuet, New York that does fat people everywhere a disservice by being a complete and utter dumbass. Said fat guy weighs 290 pounds and he’s all pissed of at a local White Castle burger joint. You see where this is going? Anyway, Fat Guy is suing the White Castle because, wait. for. it., the seats in the place are too small and fail to meet standards set forth in the Americans With Disabilities Act. Fat Guy first complained about the too small seats a couple of years ago and the company responded by promising to install bigger seats and sending him some coupons for, get this, three free White Castle burgers! Lemme get this straight. A fat guy is suing you because the booths in your restaurant are too small and you send him coupons for free burgers? Earth to White Castle…

Where to begin? Let’s start with the ADA. It’s a steaming pile of gubmint intervention into business. But that’s a discussion for another time. Fat Guy is suing White Castle because of the small seats in their establishment. I wonder if Fat Guy ever thought that maybe he’s a tub of lard because he eats too often at White Castle??!! And McDonalds. And Fat Burgers. Eat some fucking yogurt dumbass! Fast food, when consumed by the 55 gallon drum, will make you look like a hot air balloon. And you have the balls to sue White Castle because the seats are too small? Maybe they should sue you for crushing their seats like a rotten tomato by slapping your fat ass down on them. Oh wait! I almost forgot, Fat Guy says that he wants bigger seats so he  can “sit down like a normal person”. Then quit eating White Castle burgers like they are siphoned through a beer bong. Good Gawd, man! You don’t need bigger seats, you need to lose two of your asses, dipshit. Try Subway for cryin’ out loud. Until then, shut the fuck up. And have another cheeseburger.

Dumbass.

Change of Seasons, No Change in Dumbasses

Autumn Brings Out the Dumbasses

Another week of 2011 has come and gone and the seasons have changed. Summer has turned into fall. The leaves on the trees have turned from green to gold and seemingly ordinary people have changed from “normal” to dumbass. Such is life.

With that we take a look back at the past seven days at some of the dumbassery that infects the world around us.

You can rest assured that more dumbassery lay ahead, as there are a seemingly endless supply of dumbass that breathe our collective air. I shall expose them for exactly what they are…

Dumbasses.