Look what I got from the “FBI”!
It’s “official” and everything!
NOTICE FROM FBI (OFFICIAL)
4:02 PM (10 minutes ago)
It’s about time! I have been waiting for this moment for over forty years!
Five. Million. United. States. Dollars.
Suck on that, Corrupt Officials who for so long raided my account solely to enrich yourselves. You have finally been exposed for what you truly are – Big Old Meanies! But, it is I who shall get the last laugh! And I’ll be laughing all the way to the bank! Bwahahahahahahaha!
The FBI was even kind enough to load the entire 5 million onto an ATM Card! Wow! How lucky can a guy get? Hell, I even got a Fund Reference Identification Number. And I bet some of you thought I was getting ripped off. It just goes to show you how stoopid some people are. I’ll send you idjits a post card from my palatial beach home in Belize.
The best part is that all I have to do to claim the fortune that is rightfully mine is to wire via Western Union a piddling $135 to Agent Daniel Mark at the “FBI”s Field Office in Abuja, Nigeria! Color me impressed. FBI Agents in Africa are so ready to right the wrongs of those nasty old “Corrupt Officials” that they will verify my funds from half way around the world! And it’s not gonna cost me but $135.
If you still don’t believe in the veracity of this transaction, I have further proof that it’s on the up and up. Agent Daniel Mark even provided me with a valid email address (firstname.lastname@example.org) and a contact telephone number (234-818-865-4399). Now if that ain’t legit, I’ll kiss your ass in the middle of Downtown Dallas and give you an hour to draw a crowd. Wooops! I’ve written those words twice before and they’ve and they’ve come back to bite me in my own ass both times. But not this time, Losers! Hahahaha on you!
Luckily for me, there’s a Western Union vendor at the Rite Aid a mere quarter mile from where I live! The stars have aligned for me! No more Mr. Disabled Old Guy With Two Kids Under 11 Years Old for me! I’m finally somebody! A rich somebody!
As if I need further reassurance, the FBI’s Field Office in Abuja, Nigeria sent copies of this notification to the United Nations, International Monetary Fund AND World Reconciliation Dept Agencies.
I’m filthy fucking rich and you are all a bunch of Mad Dog 20/20-drinkin’ peons. Ha!
I do, however, have one small favor to ask of you before I assume my Rightful Place amongst The Elite. If this thing doesn’t work out, could you please see clear to loan me twenty bucks? I’ll pay you back next Tuesday.
I start off this post with a familiar refrain, “there is no shortage of Dumbasses that make finding material for Dumbass News easy as pie.” Today another group of Duimbasses is highlighted as being the most deserving idiots available in being honored (snicker, snicker) as Dumbasses of the Day.
The unique thing about this story is the fact that it has a “trickle down effect”. By that I mean that it started with a Dumbass at the Top and oozed down to a couple of other Dumbasses involved in the incident.
Burglary of a Car
Here’s the deal…Dumbass #1 broke into a car park in front of the car owner’s house. He stole some shit. By shit I mean a submachine gun, assault rifle, shotgun and some other jazz. (The Jazz includes: a “Remington 870 shotgun, a Colt M16 and an H&K MP-5 submachine gun were missing from the trunk. A bulletproof vest and various magazines and ammunition also were gone.” Thanks sfgate.com!) At this point, I am asking myself, “Fearless Leader Self, what kind of person would have all this military hardware in car while it is parked in his driveway?” I’ll tell you what kind of person would have all this military hardware in car while it is parked in his driveway. An FBI Agent, that’s what kind of person would have all this military hardware in car while it is parked in his driveway.
|Will Trade for Pot|
Enter “Trickle Down”.
A Whole Lotta Tricklin’ Goin’ On Out There
Now Dumbass #1 meets up with his compadre, whom we’ll call Dumbass #2 (clever, ain’t I?), and gives him the pilfered loot. Now, I am not a felon nor do I play one on TV, but I’m thinkin’ that if I do something this damn stoopid, I am gonna go Full Tilt Boogie Stoopid. Lead or follow, just get the hell outta my way.
Back to Dumbass #2…now this dumbfuck has all this stolen weaponry and is looking to ditch it as soon as possible. #2 takes all the guns and shit, spreads them all out on his bed and starts the sales process. By way of text messages! Now where have we heard about Dumbasses sending texts that end up gnawing their asses off? Oh, yeah, I remember. There’s the story of the guy selling dope by texting and one of his messages ends up on 10 year old’s cell phone. The 10 year old’s Grandpa is a State Trooper! Hilarity ensues. The website, Texts From Last Night (NSFW) has some outstanding text messages in their archives.
|Bureau Formal Wear|
Quickly recapping, Dumbass #2 got the stolen shit from Dumbass #1 and is texting out his sales pitch to other Dumbasses. Finally, he make s a “bidness arrangement” with, you guessed it, Dumbass #3. #2 has several thousand dollars worth of military grade weapons and what does he get in return for them? $120 and an ounce of pot. Depending on the quality of the weed, it could go for as much as a few hundred dollars an o-z <—a little drug dealer lingo there. That adds up to maybe 500 bucks. Not only is #2 a Dumbass, he’s a bad bidness man too.
Trickling Back Up
Let the gurgling begin. Dumbass #3 screws up good enough to get busted and it was just a matter of time before Numbers 1 and 2 got popped and they did. That is what is called “climbing the ladder”. Kind of like baseball, but instead of balls and strikes, we’re dealing Dumbasses here. Also, there are no felonies in baseball. I think.
All three Dumbasses now face some serious Federal Pen time for stealing gubmint property and being in possession of guns they ain’t supposed to be in possession of. It’s just a matter of whether their new address will be in Sing Sing or Leavenworth.
Hopefully, our three actors will run into someone who can show ’em what a “sawed-off shotgun” is all about – our Dumbass News Adopted Felon Leon “Hung Like a Horse” Williams. When they “befriend” Leon, he’ll show ’em what assault with a deadly weapon is all about.