Category: Fearless Leader

Now With 151,341 Dumbasses!

Fearless Leader

Dumbass News reached another milestone late Saturday night. We went over 150,000 (one hundred fifty thousand!) total page views! It took us almost exactly two and a half years to do so, and it’s been worth every damn word of it.

I can not tell you how humbling it is to have achieved this feat. As I type this, Dumbass News has been viewed 151,341 times by close to 100,000 unique visitors. Looking back, it’s a bit overwhelming to think: 

  1. That the number of people almost equal to the population of Burbank, Cal-ee-forn-ya would actually take the time to read the stoopid shit that I write.
  2. That the number of people almost equal to the population of Burbank, Cal-ee-forn -ya are stoopid enough to read the stoopid shit that I write.
  3. That 151,341 Dumbasses can read at all.
  4. That the rate of growth of Dumbass News, over the last few months especially, has been so phenomenal.
  5. The rate of growth of this blog proves the words of P.T. Barnum to be true: “There’s a Dumbass born every minute”.
  6. That Dumbass News will forevermore be a part of dark, dingy basement reading curriculum as long as the Internet exists.
  7. That just two and a half short years ago I was ecstatic to check the blog’s stats and see that we had gotten twenty page views on any given day.
  8. Yesterday alone we got over six hundred look sees. And that’s not quite an average day.

To many of you, this may not seem like such a big deal. I guess in The Grand Scheme of Things it’s not. But to me it is. Putting things in perspective, I have written almost 900 posts and over a million words for Dumbass News and it ain’t always been easy. Knowing however that every day several hundred Dumbasses will put down their crayons and coloring books and willingly destroy countless brain cells reading my work makes me wonder what the fuck is wrong with these people feel pretty damn good.

So here we are over 150,000 page views by Dumbasses in 156 countries around the world later, you and me, Dumbasses of Planet Earth hanging out together every day, Cheetos in hand, awaiting Mom’s call to lunch so we can escape the darkness of our dungeons.

We are proud!

We are legion!

We are Dumbasses!

Thank you,
Toby

Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde

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Dumpster Diving Dumbass & Your Fearless Leader; What Do We Have in Common?

I have long proclaimed myself to be a Dumbass. I have done so for one simple reason. I AM a Dumbass! But, I am a genius Dumbass.

I’ll prove it to you.

A few months ago I took the trash out to the dumpster here on the apartment complex grounds. I think it’s time to do it again! bwahahahahahaha I kill me sometimes. At any rate, when I got to the dumpster there was a laptop computer laying on the ground next to the trash bin. The laptop wasn’t covered in toxic waste or bird shit, so I picked it up and brought it home.

At the time I thought it would be a good thing to have around so I could take it apart and put it back together. A learning process, if you will. I wanted to learn to build a computer because I plan on building one soon. What the heck, huh?

Long story short, the discarded laptop laid around for a few months until about three weeks ago when my new Computer Whiz Neighbor came over to take a look at it. (Quick note: when I discovered the computer, it had no battery or power cord but it did have a messed up keyboard) So TJ the Computer Whiz Neighbor brought one of his laptop power cords over, plugged it in to the White Trash Laptop and PRESTO! The damn thing actually worked!

All TJ had to do was replace the hard drive with the HDD from my IBM laptop that Bailey the 5 Year Old destroyed by pouring finger nail polish remover all over the keyboard, therefore into the guts of the IBM as well. Add one USB keyboard and….

Guess which laptop I am now using as the “brains” of Dumbass News? Hint: It ain’t the IBM. Yep, it’s the cast aside Toshiba that I found at the dumpster all those months ago.

Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde, Genius Dumbass.

I like the sound of that.

Best of Dumbass News

Finding material for this website is like taking candy from a baby. It’s too easy.

There are dumbasses in every corner of the planet. For instance, take Alliance, Ohio, PLEASE! Hahahaha See? I am a dumbass, too. Now back to Alliance, Ohio. Not again! I am on a roll here. hahahaha I’ll be here all week.

Anyway…in Alliance, Ohio, a guy decides a nice evening of dumpster diving is in order. Maybe he had some last minute anniversary shopping to do and he was trying to get the perfect gift for his wife the easy way. By stealing. From a dumpster. In the middle of the night. From this information alone, I can deduce that the perpetrator, James Brienzo, is a dumbass.

Is That You, James?

The act of dumpster diving alone is not an indictment of being a dumbass. It’s when you are dumpster diving and the sanitation company makes its nightly rounds to empty the dumpster and you are still in the dumpster that qualifies you as a dumbass. That’s what happened to our boy James. In the middle of his late night White Trash Shopping Spree, James was somewhere in the day old donuts section when whirrrrrrr clllaaaannggg brrrrrrrrrruuuuuppp  suddenly he ends up in the business end of the sanitation truck! But James, like a Boy Scout, is prepared. He has a cell phone! James calls a friend who, in turn, calls the heat (cops). The heat locate the refuse truck that James is in through a GPS.

Technology is the shit!

The law gets to the truck and are unable to extricate James so, wait.for.it….they order the truck to the nearest dump, where James, along with the anniversary gift he was looking for, was dumped into the landfill and freed! He’s in critical condition at local hospital, but the poor bastard is free. 

I have a suggestion for James and the rest of you who are considering a White Trash Shopping Spree in the middle of the night, Wal Mart is open 24 hours a day! Give it a try.

Dumbass.

Put "Dumbass News" on YouTube or Not? Vote in Our Poll Here!

Dumbasses Unite!

Yesterday I wrote that a Fearless Leader leads. A good Fearless Leader also listens to the people he leads – in this case Dumbasses.

I have been considering an idea for quite some time now that would set the World of Dumbassery on its gazebos. I am seriously thinking about starting a YouTube Channel that would feature me,. in all my Dumbass Glory, reporting on the moose crap that you’ve been reading for the last 22 months in another media format. I would still keep the blog going on a daily schedule, but throwing in at least a couple of video versions of Dumbass News on the YouTube gig every week.

What do you think of this groundbreaking developement?

At the top of the right side bar I put up a Poll where you can voice your opinion. There are several choices, so be sure to read through them all and make your decision accordingly. Your opinion matters. Kind of.

I’ll keep the poll going for a few days so I can get a good cross section of votes from Dumbasses all over the world.

Vote early and vote often!

Dumbasses.

Leading By Example & Dumbass Newspaper Headlines

Greetings, Salutations and What’s up, Dumbasses?! 

I am about to tell you something that happens only to a tried and true Dumbass. I had to re-schedule a pre-surgery assessment appointment for tomorrow. So what, you say. It’s not that I had to re-schedule the damn thing, it’s the reson WHY I had to do so. I. Am. Sicker. Than. Shit. Too sick to go to the Doctor. How messed up is that? It should, however, reinforce the fact that I am a Dumbass of such magnitude, I am deserving of the title and responsibilities of being the “Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde”. I not only preach the Dumbass Lifestyle, I live it as well, ever leading by example, encouraging the masses, etc,etc,etc…

I’ll get back to posting some new stuff ASAP. In the meantime….

Something we haven’t done in a while is Dumbass Newspaper Headlines, so I figured today would be a good day to do them. My source is littlecalamity.tripod.com and they do not specify from which newspaper these headlines come, so I have no way of giving credit where credit is due. I shall, however, steal use them and make the funny.

  • 4-H Girls Win Prizes for Fat Calves – God knows what they would have won if they had thunder thighs
  • Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft – Note to astronaut: No red beans and cornbread just before next liftoff. I’m just sayin’.
  • Big Ugly Woman Wins Beauty Pageant (Newspaper in town of Big Ugly, WV) – Good thing the town ain’t named Big Ass.
  • Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case- And I thought an 8 x 12 foot cell was small.
  • Include your Children When Baking Cookies- Children add texture to the cookies.
  • Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant- That’s one way to save on court costs.
  • Lack of brains hinders research Must be the same dumbasses who believe in global warming.
  • Miners Refuse to Work After Death – That’s a very effective retirement plan.
  • Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped – And from what I understand, she likes it too.

There ya go. Those are just a few of the headlines from bird cage liners from all around the country. You can now understand why print newspapers are going out of business faster than shit through a goose. That leaves us with only one thing to say.

Dumbasses.

The Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde Has Returned!

After three stinking weeks of waiting for my new internet provider to come through, I am back! Go ahead, admit it, you missed me you Dumbass.

I will resume polluting your minds with the Dumbassery that you so richly deserve either later today or in the morning at Midnight EST (GMT -5 hours). So hang in there as I have been chompin’ at the bit to get back to what I do best – being a Dumbass and sharing it with the Worldwide Horde of Dumbasses in a Country Near You.

I looked at some stats before logging in today and saw that Dumbass News, despite the dearth of new material, has been growing at an astonishing rate and I have you Dumbasses to thank for that. Sometime during my hiatus, we went over 50,000 page views. That may not sound like much but consider that we were at less than 15,000 just a few months ago. This blog is now ranked by Alexa (web site rating service) at about Number 2.3 million in the world and 383,000 and some change in the USA! Do the math. The Dumbass Horde is on a Dumbass Rampage! i was not expecting such good news since i was away for so long, but The Horde stood by me. I am a humbled and grateful Fearless Leader. Thank you.

Dumbass. 🙂

Toby
Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde