Today’s venture into Dumbass Land is one for the books. This story is up there with the best of them, including the drunk lady who attacked a cop with a sex toy and the nekkid mail guy from yesterday. Unlike those two dumbasses who acted alone in their dumbassery, today’s Dumbass News feature involves a whole family! After all, it is the holiday season when families should be spending time together and doing all sorts of family activities, right?
A dumbass family in Akron, Ohio, like millions of families around the country were getting together to celebrate the birth of our Lord. That’s when the Ghost of Dumbass Present came a knockin’. Two brothers and their mother were enjoying a little fried yardbird when all Hell broke loose. Brother #1 accused Brother #2 of taking a bite from a piece of chicken and throwing it back on the plate. This is unacceptable behavior, except in Kentucky where this is called “sharing”. Well, Brother #2 took offense at the suggestion that he would do something so rude and unsanitary, after all Akron is a few hundred miles north of Kentucky. At this point, like a true gentleman, Brother #1 invited Brother #2 outside for a good old country ass kickin’ a friendly discussion of what had transpired. Brother #2 agreed and outside they went. Once outside, a lively discourse took place then Brother #2 excused himself from the debate in order to retrieve a crowbar. He then proceeded to pound Brother #1 about the head, shoulders and the upper extermities of his body. In other words, Dumbass #2 cracked open Dumbass #1’s skull with the crow bar. Dumbass #1 then bled a lot, Brother #2 split before the law could get there and Mom admitted to being the unrefined wench who took a bite of the piece of chicken and putting it back on the plate! A dumbass family trifecta! Maybe Akron is closer to Kentucky than I thought. But I digress.
Brother #1 was taken to the hospital and after bleeding a lot then getting patched up, was free to go home with Mom and review the events of the day. It was determined that Brother #2 was not only a dumbass, but a felon as well, Brother #1 is a pussy who let his little brother crack open his skull like a baker cracks open an egg and Mom is a dumbass for putting a used chicken leg back on the plate and keeping her mouth shut while felonies were being committed in her front yard.
Thus ends our tale of a happy family in Akron, Kentucky Ohio. Dumbasses.