|Non-Baptist Young People|
Man! I don’t kniow what alien genetic mutation has taken over my body, but it has done a fine job of it. I am still sick as hell. There is good news , however. I was the very first one in our little apartment community to come down with whatever it is and since that time, I have spread it to the masses! Yes! I have created an epidemic just by saying “hello” to my neighbors. Now, they won’t even pass in front of my apartment without a can of Lysol or a Toby-like VooDoo doll. But at least they leave me the hell alone! See? There is an upside to this whole sick like death thing. Anyway, this story was first posted last February and I thought I could use some Old Time Religion to make me feel better. Here ya go….
On a recent Sunday, dumbass members of the Greater New Zion Baptist Church in Fletcher, North Carolina had a meeting – fists meeting noses, fists meeting jaws…A fight broke out during a church service! Amen! Talk about standing up for the Lord! But, I have this sneaky feeling that the Lord was not amused that a brawl broke out during a worship service. At least they weren’t dancing. <—-A little Baptist humor there.
It took policemen from five different agencies to quell this mini-riot of about 75 people. I am operating on the assumption that the Greater New Zion Baptist Church is made up of a fairly conservative group of parishoners. I base that on the fact that a) they are Baptists and b) they are in North Carolina. I don’t think you’ll find many Liberals in the congregations of churches like Greater New Zion. I’m just sayin’. But what in God’s name would bring people attending church services to come to blows with one another? I certainly don’t know the answer and so far neither do the cops. Maybe some Duke University grads went to the church which is attended by U of North Carolina Alums, with the intention of having a hymnal raid. You know what I mean…a hymnal raid is like a panty raid except it’s not as “naughty” and is surely nowhere near as fun. Or maybe the Duke guys wanted to dance with the UNC graduate Church Ladies. Worse yet, maybe the Duke guys wanted to have sex with the UNC Church Ladies while they were standing up! This is totally unacceptable! Having sex while standing up could lead some people to believe that they were dancing! (That’s my allotment of Baptist and dancing jokes for one column) Regardless, these people are dumbasses. If they would have been Catholic, holy mackerel (!), the penance would have been to say at least 100 “Hail Marys” and to clean up after several meetings of the Knights of Columbus. The latter part of this penance is most extreme. have you ever seen the aftermath of a Knights of Columbus meetings? Alas, the group in question is strictly a Baptist one and the punishment will be quite different, but no less severe. This congregation will have to now sit down in front of their televisions and watch a full hour of Paul Crouch and his hair, on the Trinity Broadcasting Network, a fate worse than sliding down a 100 yard long razor blade and landing in a pool of rubbing alcohol. A terrible penalty indeed, but at least they won’t have to dance. Or have sex standing up. Dumbasses.